Christmas Cracker Jokes

TheStrandRoads

It's that time of the year where you find these lying around the house begging to be chuckled at. So post up the ones that made an impression this Christmas.

I'll get the ball rolling;

* Why did the mechanic choose to sleep underneath the car?

Because he wanted to get up oily in the morning.

* Why are Pirates so angry?

They just ARGG!!

John

qz

What do you call a sick crocodile?

An illigator.

killswitch

what kind of bear needs deoderant?#


A Pooh Bear

The Bollox

ok, ok, I got one

what kind of jokes suck?

CHRISTMAS ****IN' CRACKER ONES!

pp_me129

Marts wrote:

ok, ok, I got one

what kind of jokes suck?

CHRISTMAS ****IN' CRACKER ONES!

thats a good one

<<<Picks up pen and jotter>>>

Capt'n Midnight

so old it's the only non PC cracker joke

When did the Chinaman go to the dentist ?
tooth hurty

Steoob

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

so old it's the only non PC cracker joke

When did the Chinaman go to the dentist ?
tooth hurty

lol soooo racist

projectmayhem

i'm sorry i entered this thread

rick_fantastic

what do u get if u cross a vampire and a snowman???


frostbite....

Megatron

what's a duck's favoirte tv show ?


Duckumentires

Karoma

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

it made an impression alright..

StupidLikeAFox

How do you write "hungry horse" using only 4 letters?

MT GG




*cringe*

Steoob

ColHol wrote:

How do you write "hungry horse" using only 4 letters?

MT GG




*cringe*

em.... i dont get it

polkadots

Steoob wrote:

em.... i dont get it

neither do I come to think of it..
I get the MT (empty) part but GG?
Maybe it's a horse thing?

Steoob

polkadots wrote:

neither do I come to think of it..
I get the MT (empty) part but GG?
Maybe it's a horse thing?

hmm its a thinker....is there ahorse forum??

Victor

polkadots wrote:

neither do I come to think of it..
I get the MT (empty) part but GG?
Maybe it's a horse thing?

"Going to the GGs" means attending a horse racing festival. So 1 GG = 1 horse.

jaggeh

the joke wasnt funny in the first place, and now someone had to explain it makes it negative funny.....STOP STEALING MY FUNNY!

Victor

jaggeh wrote:

the joke wasnt funny in the first place, and now someone had to explain it makes it negative funny.....STOP STEALING MY FUNNY!

I Blame Jaggeh!!!!11!!twenty one!!

Capt'n Midnight

What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.


What does Cinderella take to the beach when she goes swimming?
Glass Flippers!

What was King Arthur's favourite fish?
A Swordfish!

Where do fish go for their holidays?
Finland!

What do frogs drink when they're thirsty?
Croaka Cola!

Where do salmon keep their money?
In the river bank!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A FSH!

What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?
An Octobus!

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and Ships!

Where would you go to weigh a whale?
A Whaleweigh Station!

What eats people two by two?
Noah's Shark!

What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.

What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!

What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

What do you call a bear without an ear?
a B

What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.

What building has the most stories?
The library.

What do you rarely hear in school?
The H.

What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.

What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.

What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.

What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost?
Cockapoodleboo!

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up

What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A waist of time!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

What kinds of keys can't open a door?
A Turkey, Donkey, or a Monkey.

What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid!

What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"

What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FOR

What is big, white, gives milk, and has one horn?
A milk float.

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!

What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles (or Smiled.) There is a mile between the first and last word.

What is the best material for kites?
Fly paper.

What is the best thing to use if you itch?
Scratch paper.

What kind of robbery is least dangerous?
A safe robbery.

What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)

What's the best month for a parade?
March!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe

Is being a telephone operator a business or a profession?
It is more like a calling.

Do teenagers age fast?
No, but sometimes their parents do!

Which dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!

Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

In which battle was Admiral Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.

Which kind of bird picks up heavy things?
A crane!

When is rabbit soup not good?
When there's a hare in it!

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.

Where do broken ships go?
To the dock.

Where did the butcher dance?
At the meatball!

Where did the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.

Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.

Where do sheep get a hair cut?
At the baa baa shop!

Where can you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie.

Why does Snoopy want to quit the comic strip?
He's tired of working for "peanuts"!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.

Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.

Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
People were dying to get in!

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Why are chef's mean?
Because they beat the eggs, mash the potatoes and whip the cream!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with!

Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Because little goes a long way!

Why did the mexican throw his wife out the window?
He wanted tequila.

Why did the lady miss her husband?
Because she never shot a gun before!

Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!

Why did the FBI arrest Santa?
Because he was out all night sleighing.

Why did the basket ball floor get wet?
The players dribbled on it.

Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the NoBell prize!

Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind!

Why did the jelly roll?
Because he saw the apple turnover.

Why do surgins wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did it.

Why do parents know best?
Because they made the same mistakes before!

Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.

Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach. And...
Because she ran away from the ball.

Why did the old house see the doctor?
Because it had window pains.

Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the sentence would be.

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
(Think about it)

Why is an island like the letter "T"?
It is in the middle of "waTer".

Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
There isn't a single person in it.

Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with Pooh!

Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
She heard there was going to be some change in the weather.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy street?
Because he had lost his nerves.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.

Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!

Why was ten afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.

Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.

Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an American City?
Because he is "Bald Tim More"!

How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A bucaneer.

How many penguins does it take to fly an airplane?
None. Penguins can't fly!

How many letters are in the alphabet?
Really 26, but 24, since E.T. went home.

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

How do you make "nor do we" into one word?
ONE WORD

How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S!

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take it's chair away.

How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, surround it by peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

How do you keep a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit card.

How do really small people call each other?
On microphones.

How did the carpenter break his teeth?
He chewed his nails.

How can you cut the sea in two?
With a seasaw.