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Inside a shoebox

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  • 31-12-2005 7:25pm
    #1
    theboytaylor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 129 ✭✭




    Inside a shoe box
    I keep memories and
    all that you gave me.

    All that you gave me
    was everything I wanted and
    more than I could hope for.

    More than I could hope for,
    I should have known
    was far too much for me to ask.

    Far too much for us to last.



    Once again comments/suggestions on this are greatly appreciated.
    Thanks


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    #2
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    OMG. I have so been there. I even have a damn shoebox!! Filled with silly crap and memories.
    Its one great piece of writing, keep it up.
    I was nearly crying by the last line for some reason.


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    #3
    NoDayBut2Day
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭NoDayBut2Day


    I like the repetition in the lines; adds a unique and nice effect to the poem. I too can feel the sadness in the lines; very well written :)


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    #4
    lu22
    Closed Accounts Posts: 51 ✭✭lu22


    i love this, i feel and have felt everything you managed to squeeze in to such a short few words! brilliant, i love it!!!


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    #5
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭Outcast


    I really like it, it's well written and very powerful. I'm not sure about the first bit though. "I kept memories and all that you gave me" seems to jar a bit. I think it might work better if you rephrased it and said "everything you gave me".
    Good job though


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    #6
    Oakburner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭Oakburner


    stick with all that you gave me in that line. excellent work man. enjoy that feedback.


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    #7
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭Outcast


    I've come back and having read it again I'd say leave it, don't know what I was smoking last time.
    Great job


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    #8
    Jimmy-James
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Jimmy-James


    Great work dude i really like this one a lot, possibly even more than your last one which was really good too. Keep up the good work!


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    #9
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Excellent. I think it doesn't need the last line though, but that's just me.
    I would have liked a cliff-hanger.

    Keep it up. Best thing I have read in a long long time.


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