Trying to be happy..after 3 years

LegacyUser

So....I guess I better put in some back story for this first.

Years ago I used to be REALLY shy, I mean painfully shy, this was a killer and made me fairly depressed and I used to spend alot of time on my own, I hated being alone and I thought I'd never have a girlfriend as I found it hard as hell to talk to girls.

I got to college and made alot of friends and started going out which was nice, the first few times going out were hard as I wasn't a very social person but I managed none the less and it was a great experience I made a few friends that were girls and they really helped me out.
After college I met a girl and we started dating, all was well and I was happy because it was such a change and all new to me (you know what I mean) so fast-forward 3 years and I';m still with the girl.

We argue about little things almost every day, I mean really stupid things, suo much so that I've often said "why are we arguing about this, its meaningless". The arguments have gone on for maybe 2 years but I guess I';ve gotten so used to them I've lost track and I don't notice them anymore.
These arguments usually result in girlfriend ignoring me for a few min or something.

During the last three years I've maybe thought 3-4 times that I'm just not happy and that I can't take the constant small arguments all the time and that I could be happier but I've never acted out such thoughts.

However during the last month I've been feeling less and less happy and the constant small stupid arguments have really been getting to me, during the past week I've become increasly stressed out about the whole situation.
So much so that I finally told one of my friends about the whole situation and how I feel.
To sum up the whole situation here;s the list

- Constant small arguments almost every day
- Seems we have nothing in common, interests, etc
- While I have no problem with commitment (kids, marriage) anytime the girlfriend mentions these things I get freaked out cause I don't want to get stuck in situation longterm were I'm not happy.
- I feel its constant give give give from me but I get nothing back, I do all the cleaning etc
- I've been stressed out for over a year now to the point were it has affected my health and I think this is the cause.
- I don't think I've loved her for some time now, infact I think I've never even had the "feeling" instead I stayed with her because it was all new and it was nice to have a girlfriend etc
- I've tried to explain to the girlfriend before that these arguments are really upsetting me but this has changed nothing

I think ultimetly the bottom line is, I don't want to get married or have kids and then realise that I'm not happy, I'd hate myself for ruining my kids life by splitting up with the girlfriend.
So I feel I should just end it now.....well when I say now I mean I'll wait till after christmas/new years cause I don;t want to ruin it all for her....I already see myself as a BASTARD for feeling this way and I'd hate myself even more for upsetting her during the holidays, but then again I'd hate myself if I upset anybody.

My biggest fear now is moving on in life, I'd affectively be starting all over again...this is inpacted more by the fact that I now live with my girlfriend so the whole moving thing would alot of stress. While I'm no where near as shy anymore its still a very big change but I'm sure my friend will help me out.

At the moment I'm so stressed out, my mood has changed to the point where she knows somethings up...I just made a excuse to say I was home-sick at christmas, I'm scared to hell that the next time we have a small argument that I'll just blurt everything out about how I don't think we should be together anymore...its killing me.

Anyone have any thoughts?

chump

Time to break up...

Don't think about it for a few days/weeks anyway and provided you still feel the same way in the new year, end it...

Tough on all parties, but best for all...
Of course you could just be feeling bad as you've nothing going on in your life other than your girl and so have no outlet... your girl should only be 1 part of your life, not the whole shebang

Happy christmas

LegacyUser

Just because you're in a relationship doesnt mean you have to stay in one. Sometimes its better to cut your losses and walk away. You dont have any kids so it doesnt have to be complicated.

A stressful relationship led to some very serious health problems for me. I stuck it out longer than I should have because I have excessive loyalty problems and dont like to be a quitter, but staying in that relationship was like beating a dead horse. I wouldnt recommend it. The arguing will just wear you down and it gets to the point where so much trust has been chipped away you dont even feel like telling the person what you had for lunch for fear of the response. This isnt love. This is poison and it will kill you.

Love fades, its something no one likes to talk about or admit but it happens. And it can either mature or it can turn sour.

Only you can decide if the arguing will change or not. From what you have presented it doesnt look likely.

Breaking up will also be stressfull, at least initially, so prepare for it so its as least stressfull as possible. Perhaps you have been procrastinating this? You will see eventually that the three years was not a waste. When you emerge out of the initial pain of the breakup you will be able to see where it went wrong, and it will mature you for your next encounters.

Of course it will upset her, it will upset you, thats how breakups work. Hating yourself or not hating yourself will not change that either way, so you may as well choose not to hate yourself.

As for shyness, well, how old are you? Its true what they say, you do grow out of it, I was pathologically shy and now, well, im nearly disgraceful.

What was really telling was that you said you dont think you have loved her for a while. If there was love there than maybe it would be worth fighting for.

By the way, hows the sex life?

ronbyrne2005

it aint your fault if it isnt working ,sit down with her after xmas and see if you can work things out but if your convinced shes not the one then dont bother talking and just split early in january. and remember it isnt your fault.

Laguna

If you're unhappy with this girl, you know the only way to rectify this situation is to call it a day with her. What other reason do you have to stay with her if you feel miserable all the time?, maybe it's because you've been with her for so long you feel you may as well stay together for the sake of it?, well, maybe it'll take you breaking up with her to realise that you're better off alone than in a relationship that serves no other purpose than to be an emotional drain.

LegacyUser

Few other items:

I know what people are going to say about this next bit..that I'm just thinking that grass is greener and all that...but I don't think thats the case.

I've changed jobs lately and I've met a girl with so much in common and the greatest personality I;ve ever come across.
This to me was the trigger...it finally got me thinking thatfeeling *safe* just is'ent enough and that I should be able to meet someone who I can be happy with.

I don't know why and I can't explain it and it scares the living **** out of me, but the other day me and the girl from work were talking. She asked what I was doing for christmas and I kind of dodged the question, she asked again and I did the same again....then for some bloody unknown reason I told her everything! I don't know why, its not a normal thing for me, it takes me awhile to trust people..
But in this case I just felt so at ease with her that I told her everything about me and my girlfriend and how things havn't been going well, she listened and she told me about her past relationships and all that and throughout the day we talked about relationships and anything else that came to mind.

I don't think I'm breaking up with my girlfriend just to try and be with this girl, in fairness whatever chances I had have now changed because I believe we're now just "friends" especially after I told her everything.



As with all couples we've had a bigger arguments, 3 times in the last year during these arguments she's said that maybe we should break up, this leaves me thinking that *maybe* she feels the same in the back of her mind.



Since I don't want to break up with her during christmas it means I have to do the whole christmas thing, so far I've found this so bloody hard.
Lastnight I spent ten minutes just looking at the christmas card I'm going to give her and I knew no matter what I wrote that it still felt as if I was writing "I'm a ****en lier" on it
Its the most horriable feeling I've ever had......

BeardyGit

Jaysus man. I really feel for you here but there's little I could add that would be of any real help. You've already reached your own decision about what you want to do and I guess more than anything else you're hoping a bunch of strangers can help you pluck up the courage to get on with it? Well, that's fair enough. From what you've said....It sounds like it's all over with her. But you're the one who has to take control here and be satisfied when it's all over and done with that you've made the right decision.

Don't drag this out any longer than you need. If you have plans for new years together, scrub them now. Don't waste her or your time - You've made the decision, follow through and both of you can move on. Of course, leave it for a couple of days but don't act your way through another New Year charade together....

Good luck pal,

Gil

faceman

Hey OP i really sympathise with u. I havent read all the replies here but i note some say just call it a day. My opinion is u need to sit ur partner down and explain to her that ye are very much at breaking point and ask her what she wants from the relationship and tell her what u want. U both need to be totally open and honest with each other.

It wont be easy but its what I wud do. OTherwise u will both only drag it out unnecessarily and grow to resent each other and possibly ruin any chance of fixing things up.

Best of luck dude and happy xmas. Let us all know how it goes.

laluna

hi

this is such an amazing story - well for the fact that i feel those particular words applied to me and my partner. The length of the relationship was about the same as you mentioned. We split up about 4 weeks ago now - by god its hard - i mean real hard. I have lost my best friend. We have left on good terms there was no reason not to leave on bad terms. I am getting through it day by day.

Its still hard but deep down i know its right, i had stopped growing as a person, i had stopped thinking about myself, loving myself and so many other things

for now i will leave it at that cos it is hard to write, but maybe its helped you.

take care & happy christmas

faceman

laluna wrote:

for now i will leave it at that cos it is hard to write, but maybe its helped you.

take care & happy christmas

Sorry to hear that. God bless and have a good Christmas.

LegacyUser

laluna wrote:

Its still hard but deep down i know its right, i had stopped growing as a person, i had stopped thinking about myself, loving myself and so many other things
take care & happy christmas

I often feel this, basically I hate feeling "is this it?" this can't be what a relationship is...in the end after all the love feeling stops (I question if it was ever their) a relationship is still a friendship and the way I see it I don't argue with ANY of my friends as much as me and my girlfriend argue...so I think its just not worth it...its not worth the stress in my life.

As I said before, in my mind I'll see myself as a bastard no matter what I do, part of the reason is I know christmas is hard for her, her mother died about 4 years back at the beginning of Dec and I don't want to ruin christmas this year for her as she seems so happy.

Deep down I'd like to be able to end it all before new years so I can make a fresh start because its killing me to fake everything so I don't upset her during christmas, but I don't want to hurt her moe then I need to.

kerrymaid

In similar situation myself - constant niggling fights and lack of kindness and respect between us - I want out but it's hard to find the will to follow through - between you and me - you know and I know we are WASTING our time with a situation we can't seem to change. It's grinding you down, making you feel worse and worse - I think this kind of thing can make people seriously ill in the long term. You know not everyone is like that? they're seriously not! there are some very considerate laid back happy people out there. JOIN THEM NOW! I have been at my happiest when I've been single and not influenced by anyone's controlling ways. I'm begining to see sense myself. Thank you for posting

laluna

it is not your fault - remember it is not your job to make somebody else happy, secure in themselves....

the no 1 person is u, it may sound selfish but it is.

she is actually stunting your growth as a person

believe in yourself, end it now and if she respects you at all she will appreciate you now waiting till xmas is over maybe not for a while, but later when time passes

CathyMoran

If you are not happy in the relationship and it is not going anywhere and you do not have any commitments (kids) then it would be better to leave. I am not saying that it will be easy, far from it, but it is better to be single than be in an unhappy relationship. The girl that you like in work is probably just an excuse for the break up but I would not discount a relationship with her when you have mourned the loss of the current relationship. Just be gentle with the girl but she probably already knows...

laluna

if you could only buy willpower!

it is so easy being the person who is always giving, i dont mean money....
i mean the person not receiving any feedback, not feeling better after doing something they thought would make them feel better.

relationships do need work, but the spark should always remain there as well on a sexual level. i dont mean that feeling at the beginning of the relationship but something quite similiar.

when one realises that a relationship is unhealty and there and then does something about it, they have already took the first step - a mighty achievement dont you think, instead of another day, week, month of negativity and wearing ones self esteem and worth down.

if anyone wants a chat - no probs
take care

lazydaisy

In a sinking ship its everyman for himself, or herself, so it may feel selfish with the timing not being great, but is the alternative any better?

Imagine how she would feel if you faked this hunky dory christmas and new year. Wouldnt that add to the confusion? She'd be phoning her girlfriends, "oh fiona [fake name] I dont understand we had such a nice christmas, everything was going so well, what happened.We were so happy."

Its so funny, I can relate to everyone in this problem. I have been in each of your shoes, most recently Ive been the girl who the fed up livin boy friend is really into and makes him want to dump his girlfriend [I didnt do anything homewreckerish- he could just relate to me and was envious of my freedom], it ] , before that OP -I was in your shoes and it was a mixture of inertia, fear and guilt that kept me there but it was too much to bear for much longer.

You said you were homesick? Is this in any way true? That was a good opportunity to lay your cards on the table.

Resolve is the key here. Breakups require nearly as much commitment as relationships do! I really learned that lesson this year!

micosavo

In the end, we can all give as much advice as possible, but only you know the score. You know deep down what you need to do. Whether it's to move on or stick it out and make it work. It's a chance we all take. Maybe over-simplfying things may help. You are not happy. Ask yourself is she happy. Sit the two of you down and have it out - all of it, as a previous person said, lay all your cards on the table, no-one can be faulted for being honest. Tell her to lay all her cards on the table.

I'd also like to say thats it's not 3 years wasted. It's three years of glorious experiences, good or bad, that you can learn from. Use what happened over the last three to help you in your future. Also, those experiences have made you what you are today, be happy for that.

LegacyUser

So......the end has come and gone

Yesterday was so hard, I was basicaly lieing all day and it got to much so much that in the end I had to say I was home sick so around 7pm I went back to my parents house. (was my first christmas that I spent away frome home)

I was moody all day, but their was nothing I could do to prevent it because I knew it was all just a lie, so anyway around 12 lastnight (25th) I phoned my girlfriend to say goodnight as I was off to bed, she asked what was wrong between us I said I don't know, then she asked was I breaking up with her......I couldn't think of anything to say so in the end all I could say to her was "I don't want to do this over the phone" she started to cry and she hung up the phone.

So I phoned her back about 20min later, we had a talk and she said how much she'd change and all that, in the end I told her I'd prefer talk to her in person (breaking up over the phone is like doing it via txt message in my mind).

So...fast forward to today...properly the longest day of my life, I finally got up the courage to go back to her house.
So I walked in and we had a talk, talked about good times and bad and their was no shouting...although their was alot of crying for both of us.

She mentioned she knew something was up from the moment she opened the christmas card I gave her on christmas day, as I wrote "I will always care for you - Love 3yearswasted?" in the end it was all I could write without feeling that I was REALLY lieing to her.

We both agreed that we both helped each other as people and that in the end if one of us did'ent feel anything then it wasn't worth continuing.
She said I can stay in the house till I can sort a place of my own out.
We hugged and agreed we'd remain friends.

Its now a few hours since we broke up, we're not shouting at each other or being smart with each other...we're talking to each other like normal people.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would, I have to say neither of us took it as bad as I thought we would.

Thats it, its all over and now I feel like I'm beginning my life all over again and its scary...so scary

While I may not love her anymore I will always care for her, she changed my life in many positive ways and that means alot to me.

LegacyUser

I'd just like to say thanks to everyone for their comments you've all been helpful and I'm very greatful. laluna thanks for your kind comments, regarding your own situation you'll be ok in the end your properly stronger then you give yourself credit for. keep your chin up.

I've been lucky...while I have lost alot of friends over the year due to neglect while I was in a relationship, thankfully one of my old friends was their for me and she was my shoulder to cry on, she;ll never know just how thankful I am because this is the second time she's helped me out in such a big way.

The funny thing is I've also made some new friends during the past few weeks, I think if that hadn;'t happened I'd properly be freaking out right about now.

Once again thanks everyone, its been so helpful to be able to just explain whats going on and have some feedback.

LegacyUser

christ, this sounds like me and my ex. broke up after three years recently after constant arguing. it's hard because i love him so much, I can't imagine getting over it to be honest. But I guess that somewhere deep down I know we couldn't have gone on the way we were going, I just dunno when I'll eventually come to terms with how it ended up.

dudara

The very best of luck to you, but if you feel that the relationship was indeed stunting you as a person, then it was indeed the right thing to do

LegacyUser

Well its been over 6 months since I last posted and I can honestly say that what I did was one of the best steps I've ever made in my life.

I'm a much happer person and I actually met someone else who I can honestly say must be the first person to actually get me and understand me and communication is one of the easiest things for both of us, it really is a amazing feeling.

For anyone thats reads this I like to hope it gives you the courage to change your life when your not happy, its not worth being unhappy....it really isn't!

Once again thanks everyone!

Kell

3yearswasted? wrote:

I actually met someone else who I can honestly say must be the first person to actually get me and understand me and communication is one of the easiest things for both of us, it really is a amazing feeling.

Of course you feel that way. She's not a fúckwit like your ex. So, from shy person to serial monogamist. There be progress for you.

K-

shellie11

3yearswasted? wrote:

Well its been over 6 months since I last posted and I can honestly say that what I did was one of the best steps I've ever made in my life.

I'm a much happer person and I actually met someone else who I can honestly say must be the first person to actually get me and understand me and communication is one of the easiest things for both of us, it really is a amazing feeling.

For anyone thats reads this I like to hope it gives you the courage to change your life when your not happy, its not worth being unhappy....it really isn't!

Once again thanks everyone!

Hi OP i've read all the posts and its such a touching story.Im so glad you finally got the courage to get away and start a new life for yourself.Are you still in contact with your ex? And did anything happened with the girl from work...

LegacyUser

'

shellie11 wrote:

Hi OP i've read all the posts and its such a touching story.Im so glad you finally got the courage to get away and start a new life for yourself.Are you still in contact with your ex? And did anything happened with the girl from work...

Hi shellie11,
I'm no longer in contact with my ex, thankfully I haen;'t even seen her in almost 12 months.

The girl at work, well thats a long story, the long and short of it is I didn't fancy her or anything but she did give me the courage to end it with my ex which I'm very greateful for and I'm still very big friends with the girl in work because of how much she has helped me.

I guess the girl in work was just somebody that got me which was a big change for me, I just think maybe I was hanging around with the wrong type of people and this changed my mood in the worst way.

Going forward I couldn't be happier, as previously mentioned I met somebody and we're still together and I honestly can';t believe how much she and this whole experience has transformed my life in so many ways.

If anybody else has any further questions feel free to post and I'll do my best to answer them, to be perfecdtly honest I'd hate to see anyone go through what I had to do, but in the end as hard as it was it was a learning experience and its made me who I am today '

LegacyUser

'

3yearswasted? wrote:

To sum up the whole situation here;s the list
<SNIP>
- I've been stressed out for over a year now to the point were it has affected my health and I think this is the cause.

I just thought it's worth mentioning that my health problems cleared up totally about 3 months after I broke up with my ex, so I was actually right '

faceman

Glad to see things worked out for you