leading him on?

LegacyUser

this is a pretty trivial problem compared to some of the other topics but theres a guy who i've known for years but i moved away and hadn't seen him in about 3 years, over the past year i've moved back home and i see him almost every day...

the thing is he likes me and its kind of unrequited on my part. He's a lovely lovely guy and i love being around him because we get on so well, personality wise he's everything i could ever wish for in a boyfriend..the problem is i'm not attracted to him on a physical level, its not that he's ugly i suppose he's average looking, its just that i don't find him attractive,but then again i've never fancied guys who were considered 'conventially goodlooking'. i'm flattered that he likes me, but its getting very awkward, looking at me when he thinks i'm not looking and stuff, and he's always on the verge of saying something but never does but i know its only a matter of time before he does ask me out. I don't want to lead the guy on but at the same time i really enjoy his company and there is a certain 'spark' between us its definately more than a 'frendship' thing , but looks wise i'm not attracted to him and i realise that that doesn't make much sence and to be honest i dont understand how i can fancy him on one level and not on the other.anyway i'm rambling now, and starting to sound like a superficial cow.
i don't want to hurt the guy but i feel that by hanging around him i'm leading him on ,should i just keep my distance or say something to him i don't want to lose him as a friend??

LegacyUser

For god's sake women!!
Communicate honestly and straight up with him.
You're saying you don't want to hurt him, in fact not doing or saying anything about it is constantly hurting him at the moment.
My advice is, bring it up, tell him how much you love him as a friend etc... and this is the most important part, MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM THAT IT WILL NEVER NEVER DEVELOP ROMANTICALLY. And once you have done this, it is up to him if he wants to coontinue the friendship knowing this FACT.
Please be straight with him, if you really care for him you will do this.
Trust me, i have been in this situation.

py2006

Oh my god! I am that guy at the moment! I am actually a bit freaked out reading this as it sounds exactly like me!!!! Although I don't see her everyday, usually just on weekends!

Do him a favour! Put him out of his misery! Its awful not being certain whether somebody likes you or not are your good mates. It will hurt him but if he is a good friend he will remain so.

rrrrr

question wrote:

this is a pretty trivial problem compared to some of the other topics but theres a guy who i've known for years but i moved away and hadn't seen him in about 3 years, over the past year i've moved back home and i see him almost every day...

the thing is he likes me and its kind of unrequited on my part. He's a lovely lovely guy and i love being around him because we get on so well, personality wise he's everything i could ever wish for in a boyfriend..the problem is i'm not attracted to him on a physical level, its not that he's ugly i suppose he's average looking, its just that i don't find him attractive,but then again i've never fancied guys who were considered 'conventially goodlooking'. i'm flattered that he likes me, but its getting very awkward, looking at me when he thinks i'm not looking and stuff, and he's always on the verge of saying something but never does but i know its only a matter of time before he does ask me out. I don't want to lead the guy on but at the same time i really enjoy his company and there is a certain 'spark' between us its definately more than a 'frendship' thing , but looks wise i'm not attracted to him and i realise that that doesn't make much sence and to be honest i dont understand how i can fancy him on one level and not on the other.anyway i'm rambling now, and starting to sound like a superficial cow.
i don't want to hurt the guy but i feel that by hanging around him i'm leading him on ,should i just keep my distance or say something to him i don't want to lose him as a friend??

It's not your fault you feel like this. You women are complicated! The guy isn;t engaging your emotional brain and making you feel the way you need to feel in order to be attracted to someone. You can't put your finger on why he's not attractive to you. Really it has little or nothing to do with how he looks, it's more of an emotional thing. You just don't get that feeling around him because he didn't push the right buttons. You're not superficial at all. I would stop hanging with him so much and tell him no when he asks you out.

EvilPixieOne

Actually this has happened to me too and, though I wasn't sure about it at the start, we ended up going out and it actually worked really well. We're not together now because of other factors but for you you've known him alot longer then I did mine and it looks like your friendship is going to be affected whatever the outcome so just work out how to tell him, and soon

jrey1981

For his own good you need to forget him as a friend and let him move on while moving on yourself, even if that means avoiding each other.

It is harsh, but in my experience the "I dont want to lose him as a friend" thing just doesnt work.

LegacyUser

I was on the opposite side and kinda still am in terms of there was a girl i liked who i couldn't make up whether she liked me or not. I have seen this case with people hundreds of times and i can make many assumptions which i would guess are true in this case.

First of all i can tell straight away why your not attracted to him. Women always say they want sensitivity, honesty, trustworthines, generosity, someone they can be friends with and all this crap. But as any man knows this is a lie. More than anything, women want charimsa and a dominating personaility: the alpha male. This is genetics and we can't blame women for this. What annoys me is that they lie about it. This guy has all the stuff you think you want in a man, but he hasn't got the charisma or dominance or the alpha male personality which women desire. Women like you would prefer a powerful guy who treats them like **** then a nice guy who maybe is shy or not 100% popular. That's why women who get beaten up by their boyfriends don't leave them coz they claim that they still love him. How can you love someone who beats you up? It's genetics. Nothing to do with looks. Its not to say a nice guy can't have the charismatic, dominating, powerful, alpha male personality which attracts women, but women prefer a charismatic dominating guy who treats them like **** then a nice guy who is shy or not 100% popular.

I have no doubt if he went out and was with a different woman every night or had a girlfriend you would instantly be more attracted to him. I have seen this case a million times. Think of some guy you like, compare him to this other guy and see what the difference is.

My advice would be to go out with him for a while and i strongly believe you will then see him more as boyfriend material. If not then realise that from his point of view, liking a friend who doesn't like you is the worst thing in the world. If you tell him you don't like him in that way you definately will not lose him as a friend. He will still want to be around you. But inside he will always be hoping you change your mind, especially as long as you are single. It will always be on his mind, he will never want to see you as just a friend, unless he finds someone else.

The best thing you could do is introduce him to a friend (don't insult him choose someone reasonably good lookin) who might like him but ask him about her before don't just introduce them together and put him on the spot, coz you wouldn't like if someone did that to you. Doing this will also hint that you don't like him in that way. Actually it might be best to tell him your not that into him and then introduce him to a friend after.

The problem is women make up their minds within minutes of meeting men whether they see him as a friend or potential boyfriend based on looks and initial conversation and other stuff and nothing will ever change their initial opinion. Because of this, very few relationships begin with people who were friends for a long time. Men base initial impressions completely on looks, but their opinion is always open to change the longer they know the girl (no matter how ugly the girl is initially). Hope that helps. I'm not being bitter and i'm not trying to portray you as the bad person in all of this, as long as you acknowledge the truth.

One other thing: as long he is a friend who likes you, he is probably the kinda guy who would always jump at the chance to do you a favour and help you out in any way. Don't use him! Not saying you do that but don't.

Victor

Set him up with someone?