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I stand atop a Mountain

  • 22-12-2005 4:56pm
    #1
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭


    I stand atop a Mountain

    I stand atop a mountain and I see the world,
    I do not deny that there is shadow
    I admit that darkness veils my eyes
    I see and feel pain, loss, fear, anxiety, disappointment
    I taste the bitter salt of tears on the air
    I wince and recoil and shut my eyes
    Safe in my own mind
    I hide from the suffering
    Reassured by the steadfast blankness,
    Away from the unpredictable troubles of the world.

    My eyes open
    It happens suddenly, I gasp, stunned
    The veil is gone and I can see
    I see the people each walking along their own paths
    Each path intertwining with countless others
    I see the world that is, I see the truth
    The walkers of life reaching out
    A shoulder to cry on,
    An arm to lean on,
    A friend to count on.

    I smile and my eyes fill
    Sweet tears of joy flow in rivulets down my cheeks
    Yet my vision is not blurred
    I still see life, I still see the people
    The truth, the hope, the care, the goodness, the love.

    The sun climbs up over the mountain
    And rises behind me
    I stand atop a mountain and I see the world
    Reassured by the shining light.

    What do you all think? Wrote this quite a while ago but thought I'd post it


Comments

  • #2
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    It's a really good really nice piece, honest and simple, but I kinda think it feels like its lacking rhyme a bit too much. I know it's freeverse, but you ned structure too...


  • #3
    lu22
    Closed Accounts Posts: 51 ✭✭lu22


    i love it, it explains a million things that i have thought about a million times..thanks its beautiful


  • #4
    Laplandman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 89 ✭✭Laplandman


    originally posted by Le Rack:
    I kinda think it feels like its lacking rhyme a bit too much. I know it's freeverse, but you ned structure too...
    Are you from the sixteenth century by any chance?


  • #5
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    yes yes I am.

    No, I'm not saying it has to totally rhyme, that's the idea of freeverse I know, but it just seems to me that it's lacking rhyme a bit too much. I still really like it but yeah...


  • #6
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭Outcast


    Thanks guys,
    I see what you mean with regard to the rhyme scheme but I think it works ok in this piece.


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  • #7
    Shad0r
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,167 ✭✭✭Shad0r


    Thank you for writing a poem that doesnt suck. I'd almost given up reading poetry on this forum but its good to know that there are still diamonds in the rough.


  • #8
    Blush_01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    Le Rack wrote:
    yes yes I am.

    No, I'm not saying it has to totally rhyme, that's the idea of freeverse I know, but it just seems to me that it's lacking rhyme a bit too much. I still really like it but yeah...

    Poetry doesn't need any rhyme to be poetry. I think to add rhyme that didn't fit when it was first written would mess with the flow and sound very jagged and forced. But then again, what do I know about poetry!


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