Intro Revision

The Gnome

We after the harsh review to my first post here I decided to take another route with my prologue and I have produced the following piece of work. Comments most welcome.

“We are more ancient than you can possibly fathom;
we watched your race grow from youngling primates to
the earliest few of your present form. We ranged across
every land, our power challenged by none. We watched
you harness fire, agriculture and it was thus that we
watched as you fashioned the first of our deaths, Iron.

Perhaps it was our arrogance that betrayed us; your frail
forms could not possibly threaten the might of the Fey.
We toyed with your kind and you worshipped us for it. But
we soon grew to fear what you were, or what you were
becoming. We fled you and the places you had you lay
upon and called home, we fled to the vast forests, the
endless mountains and the dark places of the earth. Even
then we could not escape the cursed Iron you wrought
and so we found a place that had not yet felt your taint.
An island, rich in power, covered in lush forests, deep bogs
and sweeping mountains. It held many hidden places and
we easily fashioned to out liking. For a time we were alone
once more and we relished in our freedom.

Our kin multiplied and metamorphosed into such numerous
beings of every kind and manner. The sleight Elves, at one
with all around them, masters of the art of magic. The
Spriggans, mischievous and bold, became pranksters of the
world. Treants and Nymphs, living wood and plant, spread
growth and abundance in every place they walked. Gnomes
appeared, bizarre and aloof, great thinker and knowers of
hidden thing.s Creatures of the earth and sea, Dwarves
and Merrows, clashed and delighted in mock battle. Creatures
of spirit, the Phooca and Bean Sidhe, watched over the
lands with ethereal eyes. Creatures of a darker nature came
forth too, the dark, of which we do not speak.

As all things in this world though, it was not to last, you
spread to our island as you spread elsewhere, like vermin.
Very few came at first; they feared the dark forests we
inhabited. Their memories of the Fey had faded, the placed
my kin up high like Gods. Some had begun to harness powers
somewhat like our own, Druids they called themselves and
they could sense our presence. They began to commune with
us thinking us to be these Gods of theirs and we thus that is
what we became. It seemed we had finally a means to control
your kind; we fed off your belief and reverence and were
nourished like never before. Then the others came. Warriors
from across the sea, Men, bearing not the sword but the
words of a different God

Your belief in us waned, as did our power. We had grown
so dependant of those we had feared so much. With the loss
of your worship cam the loss of our being, many of us began
to fade from existence. Those who remained were weak and
pale in comparison to those who came before. So it was thus
did we die our second death, a death of faith.

And then for a long time you forgot we even existed. Until now.”

Shad0r

You certainly have me interested enough to want to read more. I like the ending of your prologue...makes you want to jump right into chapter 1. Good work.

The Lamb

Really good stuff man,certainly an improvement on your other piece, which we can all agree was tripe.:o i mean seriously what were you at? Anyway, keep up the good work, looking forward to reading the rest, lets all hope that i wont have to use it as toilet paper.:cool:

Demetrius

Really interesting. I want more. Keep it up.

kingofvillan

What the hell was that crap supposed to be. Another bloody reject from the Lord of the Rings fanclub> I mean seriously why do people like you see something like LOTR and suddenly think I can do that...... YOU CAN'T WRITE FOR BEANS.

The sleight Elves, at one
with all around them, masters of the art of magic. The
Spriggans, mischievous and bold, became pranksters of the
world. Treants and Nymphs, living wood and plant, spread
growth and abundance in every place they walked. Gnomes
appeared, bizarre and aloof, great thinker and knowers of
hidden thing.s Creatures of the earth and sea, Dwarves
and Merrows, clashed and delighted in mock battle
What the hell, its like you lifted straight out of JRR Tolkien reject collection.

watched over the
lands with ethereal eyes
I sense a thesauras at work

Do us a favour and burn that. For God sake think outside the box, make up your own story and stop ripping off somebody elses.

Sarky

Banned for muppetous abuse. Christ, is it THAT hard to be polite about things?

turbot

OK, I've read through this and find it interesting, especially towards the end. I would read on... and like the interactions between man + fey, and where it leads:

What I like about it;
- Notions on consciousness
- Simplified overview of implied history
- Death of faith and where it leads

And a few comments on ways you might explore making this better:

(And I suggest you ignore the cynical abuse from people who probably couldn't tell a joke, let alone a story and make it worth hearing):

1) This is a brief first person dialogue, ... we referring to an oversoul/consciousness of the fey. And you and your referring to mankind.
At the same time, it is very objectively descriptive.... and almost lacks personality / air of authority... it's too neutral.

To me, for this piece to be really interesting, I'd like to experience the spectrum of emotions assumed from these experiences, beyond describing just what happened. I'd like to hear the voice allude to a different kind of authority, like that which is granted from a closer relationship with nature, and I'd like there to be more mystery, and unravelling puzzle within the piece.

2) You talk this through on our behalf, which makes it easy to understand, but also limits the mystery/interaction of the reader. It's better to provoke curiosity for part of a story and leave it untold, than to close it in a few sentences with undue simplification; like iron. There were many things that contributed to each....:

Good luck and please PM me when you have more!

Thomas