A Room Full of Wasteful Days

McFiddler

Here's a poem I've just completed. All critism and comments much appreciated. Be as brutal as you like



A Room Full of Wasteful Days

I snuff out a smoke, another, and cringe,
My fingers appear yellow and seem to act old.
Eyes jitter and grasp the cold room,
A damp case scantily littered with memory.

The seats around bear marks as clues.
They were here a while, we had wine, we laughed.
Now the bottles hold cigarette ash
And spider webs combine them.

I imagine myself as a sunken ship,
On a tranquil bed unfamiliar to me,
With a romantic besetting, a glimmer and shine
and scampering crab for company.
I imagine a glade in the prime of spring
Where animals probe in the yellow tint,
And I'm happy alone and not in this room
Where none care to disturb me.

Forlorn and restless I sit for days
And dream of touch like silken skin,
Replace the room with the sweet perfume
of a girl I must have onetime knew.

Perhaps I'll pick a few possessions
And say a few unheard goodbyes.
I'll beckon the courage I wish to have
And venture out to different skies.
Where sunlight is never swallowed by shade,
And time is plenty and wisely spent.
I'll grow truely old with stories to tell
And forget this wasting unwanting hell.

Blush_01

Ok, immediate reaction - I like it, but it's a little confused.

of a girl I must have onetime knew

of a girl I must have onetime known? (Small, but I'm a grammar nazi, even though I'm so grammatically incorrect at times it hurts. Go figure!)

I love the imagery, but the beginning of the poem seems very different to the end. It also seems less comfortable in itself as a poem and reads more like prose. However, with the exception of the final rhyming couplet, the rhyming is beautiful - it doesn't jangle, doesn't sound sing-song-y and it sits well on the ear (like a good aural wine. Nothing like a bit of ear-grape!) The final rhyming couplet, however, lets this down a little. It doesn't flow as well as the other rhymes and might suit a little re-working. It would be more effective if it didn't rhyme, in my opinion. Although, that may be easier said than done.

Just on the non-thyme thing... John Milton was very anti-rhyme and believed that it let literature down to play with rhymes - take a look at Paradise Lost. I'm still only reading Book 1 (again) but it doesn't need rhyme to make it a poem, and it's one of the most famous poems in English literature.

I'm tired and a little drunk, but I like it.

Vangelis

I think the 'onetime know' is artistic! Poets don't have to be slaves of grammar. Poets are opportunists!

McFiddler, I wouldn't be surprised if you are a poet by profession. ?

You have created a specifically grey and hopeless atmosphere, and I like the 'urban' mental picture it creates in my mind. The title neatly emphasises the core of the poem, I think. I won't interpret too much.

It's wonderfully written!!

Blush_01

See, I disagree on the artistic thing, I think it just sounds wrong, and for me that detracts from the sound of the poem as a whole. I agree that it's a lovely poem though.

Rantorama

Rhyming or not...I think its a great poem.

4Trouble

McFiddler, I think this is great. It grabs your attention and keeps a hold of it right to the very last line. The whole grammer thing; I'm inclined to disagree, Blush. "Poetic/Artistic license" gives a bit of lee-way (correct spelling?) to the creative mind to push the boundaries a bit. Poetry doesn't either have to rhyme or "not rhyme" to be good. And while some poets like structure to the point of being rigid about it, other poets don't. If we all did the same thing poetry would be very boring indeed.

McFiddler

Hey thank you all for your comments thus far.

Blush_01 wrote:

of a girl I must have onetime known?

I actually had written the line using known but I decided to change it to knew. I know or I knew it's grammatically incorrect but it wasn't a mistake. I prefer the sound of the line with knew for some reason.

Blush_01 wrote:

I love the imagery, but the beginning of the poem seems very different to the end.

I also did that on purpose to! I wanted the flow of the poem to get more upbeat towards the end to create a sense of hope and to prevent myself coming across as a total moan. Maybe it could be a little more subtle and gradual though. It does kinda jump a bit.

Blush_01 wrote:

The final rhyming couplet, however, lets this down a little.

I totally agree. I was unhappy with the way I left it but was tired at the time of posting and couldn't come up with anything else. Actually I've just had another look and I still can't think of anything. Any suggestions anybody??

Vangelis wrote:

McFiddler, I wouldn't be surprised if you are a poet by profession.

pshhhh yea right! I wish. Thank you very much though I'm chuffed!

It's strange cos I posted this poem on another website and they slated it. I don't mind though cos they really gave me some stuff to think about.

Outcast

The imagery and tone are fantastic but I think it's a bit overwritten.