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personal deception

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  • 16-12-2005 2:46pm
    #1
    lu22
    Closed Accounts Posts: 51 ✭✭


    forging memories to keep up with the lies

    theres nothing like vengence on those you despise

    dark days, sad ways,
    black & grey & cold

    friends & lovers come & go
    memories are old

    Digging your grave from the day you were born,
    with rebel mind in place.

    cover it up with your money & smiles, clothes of pretty lace

    theres no doubt about it, theres fear in your heart,
    as you finally take off the mask

    and sitting alone with head in your hands,
    you see life wasn't given as a task

    but you pushed it away for fear of rejection
    and took up some silver instead

    and now as the lowly dance and be merry

    you put a gun to your head...END

    I know the punctuation is bad but I'd like some feed back .. good, bad & ugly !


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    #2
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    My English teacher would have a fit ( punctuation) but I loves it. Fave line:friends & lovers come & go
    memories are old


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    #3
    cjs19
    Closed Accounts Posts: 52 ✭✭cjs19


    Vey nice good rhythm, even without punctuation. Here comes the harsh part, although take it constructively please. I cant help feeling it's a little teen angst. Why must every poem end with suicide? It also seems a little melo dramatic "you put a gun to your head...END", come on? It's stomach churning. If it is absolutely necessary that you use gun imagery, why not approach it from a different perspective? Lennon and McCartney, instead of using, "I want to kill myself with a gun so I can escape this tormented life...END" simply wrote "Happiness is a warm gun."


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    #4
    cjs19
    Closed Accounts Posts: 52 ✭✭cjs19


    Vey nice good rhythm, even without punctuation. Here comes the harsh part, although take it constructively please. I cant help feeling it's a little teen angst. Why must every poem end with suicide? It also seems a little melo dramatic "you put a gun to your head...END", come on? It's stomach churning. If it is absolutely necessary that you use gun imagery, why not approach it from a different perspective? Lennon and McCartney, instead of using, "I want to kill myself with a gun so I can escape this tormented life...END" simply wrote "Happiness is a warm gun."


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    #5
    Blush_01
    Registered Users Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    The rhyme is too forced, it needs to be blended in better, like eyeshadow.


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