The Fall of the Gnome King

The Gnome

Hey all,

This is the first draft of a section of the prologue for a short children's book I'm writing. I'm thinking about extending it to about two page. Any ideas?

Feel free to critique to your heart content, I'm a beginner so be nice.

Harken and behold!
The Dawntimes were finally passed.
The end shape was taken.
The earth was still sculpting itself now,
Though less furiously then in the ages before.
Wrathful fire and molten stone
Now placid winds and the graceful waters.
The land itself was now a lush green,
Filled with flora and fauna of ever kind and manner.
Great lakes and vast oceans flushed with life.
Food was bountiful and plenty in all places.
Inhabitants young and newly fashioned;
Life’s game was engaged by all

The Elves had just taken to the woods,
Most graceful and peaceful of the new peoples.
Living in harmony with nature.
Gained the magics of the land.

The Kingdoms of Stone were claimed.
The Dwarf kin, their greed and love of material things,
Drew them to war and darkness,
Halls of Earth and Stone.

Humans, the eldest of all,
Spread over the Plains and,
Forged their mudden huts,
Harnessed the use of the tool.

Lastly those of the Gnome brought forth their devices and trinkets;
Harnessed magics unknown to all but the Dragonkin.
With this power they created the great glass cities of Mulieak,
Thus they became the first of the Great Nations.

Custom22

The Gnome wrote:

Hey all,

This is the first draft of a section of the prologue for a short children's book I'm writing. I'm thinking about extending it to about two page. Any ideas?

Feel free to critique to your heart content, I'm a beginner so be nice.

Harken and behold!
The Dawntimes were finally passed.
The end shape was taken.
The earth was still sculpting itself now,
Though less furiously then in the ages before.
Wrathful fire and molten stone
Now placid winds and the graceful waters.
The land itself was now a lush green,
Filled with flora and fauna of ever kind and manner.
Great lakes and vast oceans flushed with life.
Food was bountiful and plenty in all places.
Inhabitants young and newly fashioned;
Life’s game was engaged by all

The Elves had just taken to the woods,
Most graceful and peaceful of the new peoples.
Living in harmony with nature.
Gained the magics of the land.

The Kingdoms of Stone were claimed.
The Dwarf kin, their greed and love of material things,
Drew them to war and darkness,
Halls of Earth and Stone.

Humans, the eldest of all,
Spread over the Plains and,
Forged their mudden huts,
Harnessed the use of the tool.

Lastly those of the Gnome brought forth their devices and trinkets;
Harnessed magics unknown to all but the Dragonkin.
With this power they created the great glass cities of Mulieak,
Thus they became the first of the Great Nations.

Corrections/Suggestions:

now = then
then = than
Wrathful doesn't really make much sense here.
Now = then, and you could put a semi-colon at the end of that line instead of a full stop.
now = remove it entirely
kind and manner = superfluous, one or the other would do.
engaged = consider changing for "played"
Thus = Thus,
Nations = you are referring to a race here. Not a nation. Great Peoples maybe.

Overall I think it doesn't work. Its overwritten for a childrens book and it doesnt really add much to the old Tolkien fantasy.

The Gnome

Custom22 wrote:

Corrections/Suggestions:

now = then
then = than
Wrathful doesn't really make much sense here.
Now = then, and you could put a semi-colon at the end of that line instead of a full stop.
now = remove it entirely
kind and manner = superfluous, one or the other would do.
engaged = consider changing for "played"
Thus = Thus,
Nations = you are referring to a race here. Not a nation. Great Peoples maybe.

Overall I think it doesn't work. Its overwritten for a childrens book and it doesnt really add much to the old Tolkien fantasy.

Thanks custom some grammatical mistakes I didn't spot there. Just to clarify a few things though, the reason `wrathful' is used will be explained later in the story and 'nations' is used because other nations will follow.

I'm not sure if 'kind and manner' is superflous kinf refers to type and manner to behaviour. Also I used engaged rather than played to imply a more calculating and tactically nature to 'to how the game is played' if you understand me.

I agree it is overwritten but I was to have a section at the beginning that would be more difficult to grasp at a first reading to add enjoyment when reading back again.

Thanks again, it's good to hear some positive critisism.

Custom22

The Gnome wrote:

Thanks custom some grammatical mistakes I didn't spot there. Just to clarify a few things though, the reason `wrathful' is used will be explained later in the story and 'nations' is used because other nations will follow.

I'm not sure if 'kind and manner' is superflous kinf refers to type and manner to behaviour. Also I used engaged rather than played to imply a more calculating and tactically nature to 'to how the game is played' if you understand me.

I agree it is overwritten but I was to have a section at the beginning that would be more difficult to grasp at a first reading to add enjoyment when reading back again.

Thanks again, it's good to hear some positive critisism.

Thats pretty well justified then. I'd say change the wording somewhat to help it seem the way you intend it to, if you get me...

The Gnome

Custom22 wrote:

Thats pretty well justified then. I'd say change the wording somewhat to help it seem the way you intend it to, if you get me...

Yeah, I know what you mean custom. Still a fair bit of tweaking to do anyway.

Blush_01

There are enough Tolkien rip-offs out there. It'd work better for an adult audience considering the language you're using, which seems overly contrived and not entirely fluid enough yet (yet being the key word here!). If you worked it a bit and find a really unique angle, you could have something good, so keep at it.

cjs19

No originality at all Im afraid. However I do not feel it is at all your fault. The fantasy tale was started and finished with Tolkien. Unfortunately due to his complete mastery and vastness of ideas, he pretty much covered everything there is to work with in fantasy, and paved the way for everything that was to follow to come across as a meek attempt at what he created. Elves, Gnomes, Dragons, Men, you left out Hobbits, Orcs, Goblins and Trolls. I understand that inspiration can be found in Tolkien, I even attempted my own fantasy novel but soon realised I couldnt match the quality or originality of the predecessor, partly because Tolkien worked from the inside out. His languages came first and he built a story around them, which gives the world real depth. Many have tried to mimic it since and failed because apart from originality, there is no feeling of depth. Nice language though and good imagery, try a different theme.

The Gnome

Thanks Blush and cj, I understand what you mean but the story itself is won't be following any like the classic Tolkien take. I'm afraid you are right in saying the area is worked to death but and I, myself, cant help seeing the resemblance in a lot of the work I read.

Though he was a superb writer, he raised the bar to an impossible level. Anyway enough of that lest the thread turn into another Tolkien debate.

Blush_01

Just before it gets dropped - Tolkien's languages had a lot to do with Old and Middle English - mainly old. He was a fantastic linguist and a champion of the continued study of Old and Middle english, which is a huge part of the heritage and history of literature in English... he's considered to be one of the great authorities on the language and he's dead... I'm a bit jealous. Two cents used up, sorry!

OP, if the story changes completely, then why have that introduction there at all.

The Gnome

Blush_01 wrote:

Just before it gets dropped - Tolkien's languages had a lot to do with Old and Middle English - mainly old. He was a fantastic linguist and a champion of the continued study of Old and Middle english, which is a huge part of the heritage and history of literature in English... he's considered to be one of the great authorities on the language and he's dead... I'm a bit jealous. Two cents used up, sorry!

I agree, I'm currently studying English, Linguistics and Folklore myself, fascinating stuff alright. Even tried my hand at creating a language but soon gave up. He is indeed a literary genius.

Blush_01 wrote:

OP, if the story changes completely, then why have that introduction there at all.

The introduction is a bit of a back story but not directly linked with the main plot of the story.

Blush_01

Ok. Well, how about showing us some of the actual story?

The Gnome

Blush_01 wrote:

Ok. Well, how about showing us some of the actual story?

Lord no. That won't be going anywhere near the public domain until its decient! Not even half way there now, plenty of more drafts to be had.

Blush_01

I'm going to admit to something I probably shouldn't, but it's the way it is.

I never do drafts. I rarely read over what I write, and anything posted here may have been constructed in two or more parts but none of it was ever changed past correction of spelling mistakes that I noticed (obviously the ones I didn't catch are still there) and perhaps substituting a word for something similar if I felt that the same word happened to occur too close to itself.

Be brave... it makes things that bit more interesting. Actually, get involved in my writing exercise idea. I'd like to see it take off, it'd add another dimension to the forum and maybe help people to move past the teenage angst that riddles almost everything here. (Not that I can really talk.)