Boyfriend Keeps Lying

LegacyUser

Hey,

My problem is that my boyfriend keeps lying to me. The lies are mainly about nights out.
For example, last night we were going to go out. This had been decided well in advance. But I had study to do and he had some work to do so we decided we'd give that night a miss. He went on about how he was tired aswell etc and he wanted an early night. So I ring him at 11.30pm that night to have a chat, he's not at home, and his sister tells me he's been out all evening with his friends.
Almost the exact same thing happened last weekend and has happened before again.
He's not particulary (if at all) apologetic about this and claims I'm trying to control his life when I get annoyed or upset about it.
What also happens is that if he goes out without me, he will sometimes tell me he wants to come back about 11pm (again he's very tired, wants an early night) and then stays out all night. He won't answer any of my calls if he's out when he's said he won't be which makes the situation so much worse.
I know he's not getting up to anything bad (like cheating) so I'm not worried about that.
He will also lie and tell me he stayed at home last night and I later find out he was out.
I don't particulary care if he's out but it's the fact he lied to me about it. He doesn't get this point.
We have been together for a bit over a year.
There are other examples of lying over the relationship, some not about nights out, but to same general theme. Most are 'white lies'.
Our relationship certainly has its ups and downs but I'm finding the lying more frequent now.
He can be quite childish in other ways also, mainly, I think, due to the fact he spent 8 years as a student and has a close relationship with his mother.

I'm early 20s, him late 20s.
We don't live together but I stay at his place a good bit.

Do you think this behaviour is acceptable?

Am I right to get upset about it?

What should I do about it?

condra

Hi.

Some people might say youre being posessive, and maybe you are, but I think your bf is taking the piss big time. Ive no time for lies in a relationship, espeiclly after so long when its obviously serious. The more he feels like he can get away with lying, the more he will lie and the bigger the lies will get.

I know he's not getting up to anything bad (like cheating)

How do you know?

Surely if he's lying about it he feels like he has something to hide. I suggest you have yourself a few girls nights out and lie right back to him. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You might be jealous and posessive but he is the kind of guy who will drive you crazy unless he comes into line.

Dont take any more sh!t is my suggestion.

ApeXaviour

womoma wrote:

Surely if he's lying about it he feels like he has something to hide. I suggest you have yourself a few girls nights out and lie right back to him. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Agreed. If that doesn't work, threaten to break up with him and stipulate that his consistent lying is the only reason. Honesty in a relationship and all that.

secret_squirrel

Dump him. He has no respect for you, or your relationship.

This doesnt seem like one or two white lies - its a whole raft of then. If he's willing to lie to you pretty much every time he's out then he's pretty low.

Tbh from the little you have posted he doesnt sound very mature. If at his late 20's hes not prepared to consider that fact that life is about more than spending weekends out (presumable on the batter) with his mates then it doesnt bode well for a long term relationship.

However the comment about him being a mammy's boy does suggest you could be a little possesive too. Trying to wrest control from her are you? Even unconciously?

AARRRGH

Lied to wrote:

I know he's not getting up to anything bad (like cheating) so I'm not worried about that.

If you are certain of this, then I'm afraid I'm on his side.

Why are you checking up on him all the time?
Why can't he go out with his friends without you getting bothered and giving him grief over it?

Again, if you are certain it's not because he's cheating the reason he probably doesn't answer his phone is because he's thinking, "For **** sake, here we go again with this bull****."

Of course, he could just be an immature selfish fool.
Or you could be mistaken about the not cheating part...

You do sound very posessive though.

condra

You do sound very posessive though.

One point I was trying to make, [and failed miserably in doing so] was that I believe that jealousy can be a 2 way thing to some degree.

I was worried after splitting from my first long term girlfriend that I had become a jealous posessive monster. But in subsequent relationships jealousy wasnt an issue whatsoever. In hindsight I realise that I had quite good reason to be acting so out of character. She was a liar and a flirt and we got trapped in a vicous circle of jealousy and deception.

What Im saying is, there are other guys who will respect the fact that you may be a little insecure and need reassurance. By respecting that I mean they wont be going on the piss wth the lads every chance and pretending to you that theyre sitting in bed reading Wuthering Heights.

ApeXaviour

womoma wrote:

One point I was trying to make, [and failed miserably in doing so] was that I believe that jealousy can be a 2 way thing to some degree.

I was worried after splitting from my first long term girlfriend that I had become a jealous posessive monster. But in subsequent relationships jealousy wasnt an issue whatsoever. In hindsight I realise that I had quite good reason to be acting so out of character.

Very well put. There's a balance in these things. If you're a jealous monster you're not necessarily completely to blame.

I was really jealous of a friend of my ex. Thought it was just me, was convinced by her it was just me and that I was being irrational, controlling and trying to choose her friends and all, so I suppressed it. Well didnt she end up leaving me for him so... yeah and in hindsight, she brought it out of me. I feel somewhat justified now. Jealousy hasn't been an issue in other relationships since either.

secret_squirrel

womoma wrote:

What Im saying is, there are other guys who will respect the fact that you may be a little insecure and need reassurance.

Very very good point! Listen to this man.

Azureus

dublindude wrote:

If you are certain of this, then I'm afraid I'm on his side.

Why are you checking up on him all the time?
Why can't he go out with his friends without you getting bothered and giving him grief over it?

dublindude wrote:

Again, if you are certain it's not because he's cheating the reason he probably doesn't answer his phone is because he's thinking, "For **** sake, here we go again with this bull****."

Of course, he could just be an immature selfish fool.
Or you could be mistaken about the not cheating part...

You do sound very posessive though.

if he wasnt getting up to anything then there would be no need to lie about it.
its not being possesive as she doesnt have a problem with him going out, she has a problem with uneccesary lying that tbh most people (jealous/possesive or not)_would have a problem with in a relationship.

AARRRGH

Azureus wrote:

if he wasnt getting up to anything then there would be no need to lie about it.
its not being possesive as she doesnt have a problem with him going out, she has a problem with uneccesary lying that tbh most people (jealous/possesive or not)_would have a problem with in a relationship.

Hmmm. The feeling I got is that she wants to keep track of his every movements?

BeardyGit

If I may, I'd like to refer to my own experience with this type of situation. I went out with one girl for several years (let's leave it at 'several' ) and ended up doing something similar to what your boyfriend is doing now. There was no malice in it....

What led to it? A couple of very poor reactions from her when she found out I was out with friends (maybe for a quiet pint or visiting someone at their house etc) when I'd knocked plans to go out with her on the head earlier that evening because I was knackered after the day.

It wasn't that I didn't want to spend the evening with her, just that I was quite simply incapable of paying her the kind of attention she wanted and in all fairness deserved when I was with her. When I was tired after a long, stressful day at work, increasingly frequent 'moaning' about me being quiet and wanting to cut the night short ensued. I can't blame her really - Nobody wants to have their boyfriend call round during the week and fall asleep on the couch.

But the lads? They couldn't care less. I could come home knackered. Have a shower and something to eat and still be knackered. Drop round to them, watch half the movie and fall asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. Life went on for them and it really didn't matter....

The girlfriend? I knew if I'd cancelled plans with her I'd be CREASED if I called her afterwards and said I was on the way round to crash on their couch or fall asleep with a pint in my hand in the lounge of the local instead of hers. Tell the truth there and you'll get understanding a couple of times. "Sure honey, I know you're tired, that's okay" quickly turns into "You're always tired and making excuses". I worked hard....She was in college. It's not the same thing and she couldn't see that. I didn't want to make plans during the week and even most Fridays as I was just bolloxed from working so hard. So, what do you do? You keep your mouth shut, try not to make plans for 'work nights'. Occasionally get in the bad books. Try to do your best but ultimately you're just waiting for the missus to get out of college so she knows what a real hard days work is all about.....

White lies. Lies all the same I know. But it's not like I was being a selfish **** and I doubt your boyfriend's situation is much different. If he's tired during the week - Offer to just watch a video. Don't put him under pressure to make plans for weeknights. If you don't, then tell him not to commit to anything 'til he's home from work, showered and fed. Don't be disappointed if he's wrecked - And I don't mean try to hide the disappointment (he'll know anyway and will just try to make you feel better), I mean change your approach to him. Give him a bit of a bollocking once in a while if he's breaking the ground rules but just remember that everyone's day is different and although he may love spending time with you, he'll likely not want to spend time with you if he feels you'll resent his work induced fatigue. He'll feel bad about the prospect of upsetting you if he's anything like I was at the time. I didn't want to say "No" to my girlfriend....I also didn't want her to feel I didn't *want* to pay her attention - I just wasn't capable of it at times....

Hey, maybe none of this is relevant to your situation. They're just my musings on this subject as it certainly rang bells for me. My former accomplice in matters of the heart is now very successful in her chosen career (bravo, I'm proud of ye) and suffers daily the numb fatigue of modern office workers. I'd love to tell her "I told you so", but I knew she couldn't understand at the time.....

Anyway....I'm wrecked.

Gil

[EDIT!!!!!!!! Before anyone takes offence, the comment about a hard days work isn't a slag at you lot doing exams and all that - I'm studying in the evenings for my second degree - I'm just saying it's not a sustained back breaking routine, day in, day out when you're in college fulltime. I do know....I was a student a long time ago!]

annR

Dump him if he can't be straight with you.

He can be quite childish in other ways also, mainly, I think, due to the fact he spent 8 years as a student and has a close relationship with his mother.

Dump him because of this as well, I think this sort of thing is trouble.

WhiteWashMan

dublindude wrote:

If you are certain of this, then I'm afraid I'm on his side.
.

of course you are....

dublindude wrote:

Why are you checking up on him all the time?.

wow, you managed to get the fact that she is constantly checking up on him when she decides to give him a call at 11:30 before going to sleep. wow!

perhaps if she calls him once a week, shes probably being needy too?

dublindude wrote:

Why can't he go out with his friends without you getting bothered and giving him grief over it?.

i dont see where she says she has a problem with him going out with his friends?
i can certainly understand when he says he is going to be somewhere and then he is out enjoying himself after they had plans to go out together.

since when was asking the question 'why did you lie to me' considered giving grief.

man, if i was your girlfriend, id walk all over you. apparently you have no problem with your partner doing as they feel and not telling you the truth.

dublindude wrote:

Again, if you are certain it's not because he's cheating the reason he probably doesn't answer his phone is because he's thinking, "For **** sake, here we go again with this bull****.".

not really, people get defensive when they try to defend themselves. if he was doing nothing wrong, why is the boyfriend getting all defensive, not answering calls, lying about where he is and what he is doing?

surely if he is going out, he can just say to to his partner, 'hey, im off out tonight'. is it that big a deal?

dublindude wrote:

Of course, he could just be an immature selfish fool.
Or you could be mistaken about the not cheating part...
QUOTE]

you seem hung up on the cheating bit. maybe its the only bit you saw. maybe youve been cheated on in the past and you cant get over it? who knows.

anyway, its not about the cheating, its about the fact that her partener is lying to him. thats not good for a relationship.

dublindude wrote:

You do sound very posessive though.

ah, i see. this is the bit that makes all the lying ok then is it?

'youre too needy, and so i need to lie every weekend so i can go out without you.'

if he is so deperate to go out without his girlfriend at the weekend, then what exactly is he going out with her for?

WhiteWashMan

dublindude wrote:

Hmmm. The feeling I got is that she wants to keep track of his every movements?

yeah, its the calls every 3 minutes and the constant stream of text, and the fact that she demanded gps positioning on him that gave it away eh?

there is nothing wrong with whanting to know what your partner is doing. if he says he is going out, then hey, whats the probelm with that.
i mean, its not like he has anything to hide, right?

of course, if you dont want to have that nice relationship thing, where you are part of a couple, and tell each other things like what youre up to, or where youre going on a saurday night out, then really, what exactly are you doing in a relationship.

i mean, if you want to go out and do your own thing, why not just be single, and save yourself the whole hassle of lying about it?

wouldnt it be easier to just pretned you have a girlfriend? at least when you do the dirt, sure it would only be make believe!

hottstuff

sounds like hes playing goalkeeper for the opposite team

i agree , if he lies , he HAS reason to lie.......

LegacyUser

To me it sounds obvious to me what is going on. please understand I'm not trying to make judgements I'm just saying what I think is happening.

He has a problem that he thinks that you are hassling him when he has nights out. He feels unable(isn't *rsed) talking to you about it. He lies to you, so you feel suspisious of whats going on, actually do hassle him, he feels even more of a need to lie to you etc etc..viscious circle.

Ok now it happens to everyone at some stage in coupledom(no matter how happy they are) that they feel their partner shouldn't come out everytime they go out, conversely....everyone at some stage will feel pissed off their partner is off with friends without them.

Solution, normally I'd say talk to him, with this type of thing he's going to think your "hassling" him again so I'd suggest just give him a taste of his own medicine. Honestly don't worry your head about it he obviously isn't. The best thing you could possibly do is not act annoyed that he lied to you. Just go out and do the same. He'll learn quick enough.


I don't agree with the "he must be up to something" theory though....not necissarily true...I think he's just being a bit of a pr*ck and to be honest either you trust him or you don't it's not a halfway house.

secret_squirrel

Gil_Dub wrote:

......excellent post...........

'Nuff Said. OP is this a possibility?

LegacyUser

secret_squirrel wrote:

'Nuff Said. OP is this a possibility?

Not exactly. I really enjoy staying home and just watching tv but he doesn't like it so much. When we are together it's usually him pressuring to go out.
He also doesn't really have a group of 'lad' friends. As in if he went out he'd spend the night drinking and talking about politics. And they might incluse girls too. They are mutual friends also. Since they are my friends too, I know he's not up to anything with the ladies as I know they'd tell me.
Another thing is he does have a bit of a history of alcohol abuse and there have been a few alcohol related 'incidents'. After the last one he promised to quit drinking forever and join AA. This never happened.
I was annoyed when he started drinking again as I was upset over some of the things which happened before and was happy to say goodbye to nights like that.
I feel he may be sneaking out to drink without me watching over him as other friends don't know that situation or know how serious it got.
When I say alcohol abuse, that might be a bit harsh, it doesn't affect him day-to-day but he tends to go overboard on nights out etc.
Anyway, thanks for the replies. I think a few nights out with the girls and getting some clearer rules will do for now and I'll see how it goes.

hullaballoo

Well if he's an alcoholic, and he won't get help, it's an open and shut case.

Sorry to say it, but I'm just the first of a long stream of posters who are going to feel the same about this.

You need to get out of there, and fast. The fact that he's lying to you is ancillary to, albeit consequential of the drink problem. Alcoholics are bad news OP, anyone in here will tell you that, even dublindude.

Alcoholism is always caused by an underlying psychological issue that needs resolution, so the problem isn't usually curable by just giving up the drink. Drink will be replaced by something else and eventually will destroy him/you/anyone close to him. The only way to resolve it is to address the underlying issue, and that's up to him.

bug

Bit of a binge drinker perhaps eh?

Did some things he'd rather forget during the episodes?
You know about them and his mates dont?...you see an importance of him not following on his current binging chosen path and he doesnt perhaps?...he just see's it as a hinderance and an aggrevation,the things that you know about. So he hides it.
He doesnt want you to think he's a loser and possibly resents you knowing about his "episodes"
He doesnt want to stop right now? He may never. Thats his choice. Your choice is whether you want to be the ogar all the time, and whether you think it merits it.

Take a step back. Back off from him a bit for your own self. If you keep being portrayed as the ogar, you'll soon feel like one. Accept that that's what he is going to do or get out.
I mean if I was out, and even half thought the other half would be wondering, I'd set their mind at ease without a second thought, a text, a quick drunken call saying your rat-arsed, a low-down of the nights events. Thats life. Its the reality of a relationship situation. Does someone think enough of you to do the same or does someone see it as a hinderance?

As in if he went out he'd spend the night drinking and talking about politics

well thats not the worst thing he's not down the local whoring over the local trash that thinks she's an honoury member of sugarbabes.
For now he is what he is, you have to stop wrecking your head. Back off from him and see if the lies reduce.
Lies arent acceptable. Just make that statement and make a decision to back off from him for a little while.
By back off I mean make a desision to concentrate a few weeks on your own friends, your own life, your own circle, just push him a little bit further out of your head for a bit. It'll clear your head.

See where you at then.

Dont pressurise, just step back. No one should make you worry that much.

The lies are probably a result of him feeling under pressure. Im not saying its merited as you said, he's perhaps a little immature. Back off and see what *you* want from a relationship. See if you want to stay the course and ride this through. See if the lies stop when you stop paying attention to him for a while.