ex still loves me

lizanne

Hey guys.

K long story short i was with my bf for 2 and a half years.We broke up when i was 16, he was big in to drugs, would sleep with me then leave n i wouldnt hear from him for days, he only wanted me on his arm when we were out and even then hed chat up girls in front of me.He would tell me all the time he never loved me, then hed get stoned and tell me he DID love me.

So when we broke up we became m8s and we were GREAT mates. wed go drinkn, set each other up with people and generally we got on great.When i was 17 i met a man whos now my fiance, we have been together 3 years and i have never been happier.

Then my ex decided to tell me hes still in love with me, that hes loves me the last 4 years and that it kills him to see me with my fiance.He said sorry 4 d way he treated me and he knows im the love of his life.

I told him i loved him as a m8 but thats it.. and i told him no matter what i would never leave my fiance cos i adore him.

So my ex went mad and now he wont speak to me.
I love this guy, hes sucha good friend... but i cant love him the way he wants me to.

Now hes acting like a spoilt child, sulkn cos i wont be with him, he wants me to drop the great life i have with my fiance... for him!!!

And when I said no way he said he doesnt wana know me any more.

I dont know what to do, I cant win

DawnMc

Firstly, well done for not going back there. It seems that your ex wants what he can't have. It is most likely that he would drop you straightaway if you went back to him.
Imho, I would give him an ultimatum - either he accepts your offer of friendship or he leaves your life

the Guru

He is only jealous that you are getting married , and most likely if you did get back together he would go back to his old ways and you would loose the best thing you ever had

lizanne

the Guru wrote:

He is only jealous that you are getting married , and most likely if you did get back together he would go back to his old ways and you would loose the best thing you ever had

ya i adore my fiance, hes everything my ex never was.
But my ex was 1 of d best m8s i ever had we got on SO well, i thought all that was behind us, i didnt even consider him an ex i considered him a m8.
I gave him d option n he said hed rather not know me than sit and watch me play happy familys.

Like i said i cant win

but i dont wanna lose a m8 ive had for 7 years....

WhiteWashMan

lizanne wrote:

Hey guys.

K long story short i was with my bf for 2 and a half years.We broke up when i was 16, he was big in to drugs, would sleep with me then leave n i wouldnt hear from him for days, he only wanted me on his arm when we were out and even then hed chat up girls in front of me.He would tell me all the time he never loved me, then hed get stoned and tell me he DID love me.

So when we broke up we became m8s and we were GREAT mates. wed go drinkn, set each other up with people and generally we got on great.When i was 17 i met a man whos now my fiance, we have been together 3 years and i have never been happier.

Then my ex decided to tell me hes still in love with me, that hes loves me the last 4 years and that it kills him to see me with my fiance.He said sorry 4 d way he treated me and he knows im the love of his life.

I told him i loved him as a m8 but thats it.. and i told him no matter what i would never leave my fiance cos i adore him.

So my ex went mad and now he wont speak to me.
I love this guy, hes sucha good friend... but i cant love him the way he wants me to.

Now hes acting like a spoilt child, sulkn cos i wont be with him, he wants me to drop the great life i have with my fiance... for him!!!

And when I said no way he said he doesnt wana know me any more.

I dont know what to do, I cant win

your ex sounds like an idiot.

im not sure who he thinks he is to demand that you break up your relationship, but if you are with you fiance and you love him and you want to be with him, then the best thing you can probably do is to just stop seeing your ex.
you may have been great friends in the past, but now, he is emotional baggage, and he is trying to use emotional blackmail on you to break up.
thee things are not what good mates do. if he is so in love with you, hed be happy for you. that is a fact.

CathyMoran

It seems like an open and shut case - your ex is jelous of your new happy life, he did not want you when he was with you but he does not want any one else to have you. Just think, what would you want for him if he was happily engaged?

The Clown Man

Wait.

You have a fiancee at the age of 20?

I think you are addressing the wrong problem. The one that has you asking this question in the first place..

lizanne

The Clown Man wrote:

Wait.

You have a fiancee at the age of 20?

I think you are addressing the wrong problem. The one that has you asking this question in the first place..

ah whats wrong with dat my mam married at 17

Jivin Turkey

lizanne wrote:

ah whats wrong with dat my mam married at 17

How old are your parents now? 37?

BeardyGit

Dump your fiancé and get back with your ex. The two of you can fight with each other over which one of you gets to use your bed tonight, then you can make up and get stoned together.

It's never easy to face up to the fact that sometimes people are just bad for each other. Your ex/mate is being selfish, immature and deliberately hurtful. That's not what you thought you were getting when you became friends/gf-bf in the first place, is it? You know you don't want to go out with him again - That's pretty clear.

Why would you consider a friendship to be any different to a relationship when it comes to the disrespectful and wreckless behaviour he's so aptly demonstrating at this point in your life? You've a fiancé who really *should* be your best friend (if you're actually planning on getting married as opposed to using the term as some label for your *special* relationship) so why allow this bother you?

Yeah it's difficult to accept that you have to give serious consideration to turning your back on your ex/mate. That's kind of natural when you just confront yourself with the possibility. But look at the facts. He's deliberately interfering with your relationship with your current beau. That's not on of course. As a friend he would be entitled to ask you are you sure you've thought it all through. As a friend he would be entitled to express concerns if he really thought you were heading for trouble. But as a friend he would have no right to treat you in such a hurtful manner. His track record should be considered. You know he made a terrible boyfriend. You know he's just as bad a friend.....

Pruning your circle of 'friends' is something you need to do as an adult. Cut off the dead branches of friendship before they suck the life out of you. He's deadwood. He's a weed. He's social mulch. Drop him.

Gil

WhiteWashMan

lizanne wrote:

ah whats wrong with dat my mam married at 17

lose the stupid text speak will you. you have a keyboard, not a numerical pad.

LegacyUser

I think it possibly might be a good idea to give your ex another chance. People make mistakes. I think the question you have to ask yourself before you decide anything is, "Do I really love my Fiance, and Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?" If the answer to this question is anything but a resounding YES, Then maby at your age it wouldnt hurt to give your first love/"Great mate" another chance.

johnwoods

Gil_Dub wrote:

He's deadwood. He's a weed. He's social mulch. Drop him.

Gil

Hmm, you dont even know him, and you can tell all this from the paragraph she wrote about him? Very good.

BeardyGit

johnwoods wrote:

Hmm, you dont even know him, and you can tell all this from the paragraph she wrote about him? Very good.

This is simple stuff. He's causing her some emotional strain when he has absolutely no right. The OP has already told him he's a friend and nothing more. If he really was a friend he'd accept that (in addition to apologising for being a waster - That alone is not enough). I hope that's clear enough - I'll not respond to any further smart ass comments from you.

johnwoods

Gil_Dub wrote:

I'll not respond to any further smart ass comments from you.

Good.

lizanne

Jivin Turkey wrote:

How old are your parents now? 37?

60

how can you be bisexual and still commit yourself to your fiance?

lizanne

Deleted User wrote:

how can you be bisexual and still commit yourself to your fiance?

he lets me do my thing that way as long as i tell him b4 hand

you cant get married then coz if you get married!you are supposed to commit to one person.you dont deserve to have a church or civil marriage if you are planning to cheat!

lizanne

Deleted User wrote:

you cant get married then coz if you get married!you are supposed to commit to one person.you dont deserve to have a church or civil marriage if you are planning to cheat![/Q

excuse me?
dont you dare presume to tell me what i do and do not deserve. you dont know me.

youre still a cheater.your boyfriend must be so hurt or do you allow him to sleep with men?

democrates

There are a number of questions you have to ask yourself.

Is your best chance of a happy life with your fiance or with the ex?
Which one is more likely to be your number one supporter in life?
Which one is more likely to provide for you and your children adequately?

It's hard to conclude this drug ex is acting in your best interests, he needs to straighten himself out before he invites any woman to risk her future with him.

And yet you have an open relationship with your fiance, are you both agreed this will continue once you're married? What does each expect from the other once you're married? How many kids do you want? Will you work lizanne if you have kids or stay at home? Where will you live? Etc. Etc. Most important questions, neglect them and invite trouble, maybe failure.

What are the chances of having any successful long term relationship if it is interrupted every so often with other intimate relations? I don't know the statistics but I'm guessing fairly slim. And I'm guessing your mum and dad were madly in love when they married and committed to a life together without either having sex outside the marriage.

Add to that the facts that you're only 20, and are having trouble solving this problem. The conclusion has to be that getting married is a risky proposition until you have more experience and/or certainty. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it amplifies them, and having kids even more so.

If you're going ahead with your fiance forget the other guy, he's a high threat to your hapiness so long as he wants you back. And why expect him to be a drinking buddy to you and/or your fiance now that you know how he feels, why would you put him through that? Set him free so he can move on and find someone else, don't ask him to stick around so you can have your cake and eat it, that would be totally selfish.

Good luck whatever you do.

lizanne

democrates wrote:

There are a number of questions you have to ask yourself.

Is your best chance of a happy life with your fiance or with the ex?
Which one is more likely to be your number one supporter in life?
Which one is more likely to provide for you and your children adequately?

It's hard to conclude this drug ex is acting in your best interests, he needs to straighten himself out before he invites any woman to risk her future with him.

And yet you have an open relationship with your fiance, are you both agreed this will continue once you're married? What does each expect from the other once you're married? How many kids do you want? Will you work lizanne if you have kids or stay at home? Where will you live? Etc. Etc. Most important questions, neglect them and invite trouble, maybe failure.

What are the chances of having any successful long term relationship if it is interrupted every so often with other intimate relations? I don't know the statistics but I'm guessing fairly slim. And I'm guessing your mum and dad were madly in love when they married and committed to a life together without either having sex outside the marriage.

Add to that the facts that you're only 20, and are having trouble solving this problem. The conclusion has to be that getting married is a risky proposition until you have more experience and/or certainty. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it amplifies them, and having kids even more so.

If you're going ahead with your fiance forget the other guy, he's a high threat to your hapiness so long as he wants you back. And why expect him to be a drinking buddy to you and/or your fiance now that you know how he feels, why would you put him through that? Set him free so he can move on and find someone else, don't ask him to stick around so you can have your cake and eat it, that would be totally selfish.

Good luck whatever you do.

i do not have an open relationship ok.
i was bisexual before i got together with my fiance and i cant just change it ok, and what i ment by he lets me....... i ment as in threesomes and stuff.......... gets ur facts straight. when did this discussion become about my sexuality

and another thing i never said i wanted him as a drinkn buddy u got crossed wires i never ONCE mentioned the words"drinking buddy" in my post

but i KNOW you are not faithful.if he slept with men.would you be angry?

billy the squid

The Clown Man wrote:

Wait.

You have a fiancee at the age of 20?

I think you are addressing the wrong problem. The one that has you asking this question in the first place..

didnt know there was a time limit on an engagement, being engaged at 20 isnt that big a deal, one could wait till they're 50 to get married after getting engaged at 20 if they so choose.

to the OP

have you considered the possibility that he was only being a "mate" in the hope that eventually he would get his leg over again. now that you have said no it has become aparant to him that you are of no benefit to him.

it doesnt take a lot for a reformed drug user to regress back to before, the chances of you going back to the way things were are high if you go back to him.

lizanne

billy the squid wrote:

didnt know there was a time limit on an engagement, being engaged at 20 isnt that big a deal, one could wait till they're 50 to get married after getting engaged at 20 if they so choose.

to the OP

have you considered the possibility that he was only being a "mate" in the hope that eventually he would get his leg over again. now that you have said no it has become aparant to him that you are of no benefit to him.

it doesnt take a lot for a reformed drug user to regress back to before, the chances of you going back to the way things were are high if you go back to him.

believe me iv no intention of even talkn 2 him again

democrates

lizanne wrote:

i do not have an open relationship ok.
i was bisexual before i got together with my fiance and i cant just change it ok, and what i ment by he lets me....... i ment as in threesomes and stuff.......... gets ur facts straight. when did this discussion become about my sexuality

and another thing i never said i wanted him as a drinkn buddy u got crossed wires i never ONCE mentioned the words"drinking buddy" in my post

Sorry if I upset you lizanne, I probably could have worded it more diplomatically, and I understand it's hard to discuss a very personal situation when it looks like people are being unfair and judgemental, as some were, I hope you've got more benefit than grief from this, but as in life, ignore the nasties, if someone tries to hand you a piece of sh1t, you don't have to take it!

I'm absolutely not questioning your sexual orientation here, nor am I saying threesomes are morally wrong, I wouldn't do that, you have a right to a happy life like anyone else and consenting adults is fine as they aren't hurting anyone else. All I'm saying is that in my opinion the threesomes might present an extra risk to the success of your future marriage.

I guess when you say you don't have an open relationship you mean it's not that each one goes off with anyone else whenever they like. But at the same time if it includes the odd threesome would you agree that it's not a 100% closed relationship either? Shades of grey situation.

Of course I haven't walked in your shoes so how do I know what might work for you and your fiance, I don't. My opinion is based on my own and other relationships I've seen up close over the years, I've seen many broken over quite minor things that got out of hand. Maybe a google search on 'threesome successful marriage' or something like that might bring up some helpful guidance from people who have actually done it.

Drinking buddy was my phrase, I assumed you were still meeting for drinks when you said "So my ex went mad and now he wont speak to me". So maybe you just talk on the phone or whatever, apologies for my wrong assumption there. Still lizanne (nice name btw), it seems you've decided to stick with the fiance, and in the event your ex tries to restart the relationship even claiming it's just as m8s, you sound ready to tell him it's time to move on for both your sakes.

My heart goes out to you, it's tough to get through these things, but I suppose being philosophical it makes life more interesting too.

Again, the best of luck, I mean that, I'm not being sarcastic.

The Corinthian

lizanne wrote:

And when I said no way he said he doesnt wana know me any more.

I dont know what to do, I cant win

`
Probably not, but that’s life. Call his bluff and let him break contact. Either he’ll get over it or he won’t. I don’t think there’s a hell of a lot that you can do other than that.

Deleted User wrote:

how can you be bisexual and still commit yourself to your fiance?

My understanding is that she has some form of open relationship with her fiancé. If she does and they’re both happy with that arrangement, then that’s frankly their business. Someone is cheating only if it involves transgressing the rules (hence calling it cheating) - and if those agreed rules include other people then it would not be cheating.

lizanne

democrates wrote:

Sorry if I upset you lizanne, I probably could have worded it more diplomatically, and I understand it's hard to discuss a very personal situation when it looks like people are being unfair and judgemental, as some were, I hope you've got more benefit than grief from this, but as in life, ignore the nasties, if someone tries to hand you a piece of sh1t, you don't have to take it!

I'm absolutely not questioning your sexual orientation here, nor am I saying threesomes are morally wrong, I wouldn't do that, you have a right to a happy life like anyone else and consenting adults is fine as they aren't hurting anyone else. All I'm saying is that in my opinion the threesomes might present an extra risk to the success of your future marriage.

I guess when you say you don't have an open relationship you mean it's not that each one goes off with anyone else whenever they like. But at the same time if it includes the odd threesome would you agree that it's not a 100% closed relationship either? Shades of grey situation.

Of course I haven't walked in your shoes so how do I know what might work for you and your fiance, I don't. My opinion is based on my own and other relationships I've seen up close over the years, I've seen many broken over quite minor things that got out of hand. Maybe a google search on 'threesome successful marriage' or something like that might bring up some helpful guidance from people who have actually done it.

Drinking buddy was my phrase, I assumed you were still meeting for drinks when you said "So my ex went mad and now he wont speak to me". So maybe you just talk on the phone or whatever, apologies for my wrong assumption there. Still lizanne (nice name btw), it seems you've decided to stick with the fiance, and in the event your ex tries to restart the relationship even claiming it's just as m8s, you sound ready to tell him it's time to move on for both your sakes.

My heart goes out to you, it's tough to get through these things, but I suppose being philosophical it makes life more interesting too.

Again, the best of luck, I mean that, I'm not being sarcastic.

thank you very much

tj-music.com

lizanne wrote:

And when I said no way he said he doesnt wana know me any more.

So be it! Move on. He should do the same.

Femelade

lizanne wrote:

believe me iv no intention of even talkn 2 him again

whats the point of this thread then?

he doesn't want to talk to you. you have no intention of talking to him again.

problem bloody solved.

geez! :rolleyes:

lizanne

Femmy wrote:

whats the point of this thread then?

he doesn't want to talk to you. you have no intention of talking to him again.

problem bloody solved.

geez! :rolleyes:

yes but at the time i began the post he had just told me it was him or my fiance and i didnt no wat to do but now its sorted

Victor

Can people tone it down a little?

Marriage is not solely about a relationship with one person. Many a married man cheats, his wife knows he cheats, but they get on with things.

Just because someone is bisexual does not mean they can't be committed (although in this case there appears to be an "arrangment").

lizanne

Victor wrote:

Can people tone it down a little?

Marriage is not solely about a relationship with one person. Many a married man cheats, his wife knows he cheats, but they get on with things.

Just because someone is bisexual does not mean they can't be committed (although in this case there appears to be an "arrangment").

thank you........... can this thred be closed now as the problems solved