Life ruined by drugs

LegacyUser

Hello, Im a regular poster to boards.

Ive got quite a problem so tbh im not sure where to start.

Basically, Ive become socially withdrawn in the last few years. Im quite young, 22. When I was younger 13-17, I used to go out at the weekends and meet girls, have great crack with my mates and all that. I really enjoyed life, meeting ppl and having the crack. When I become 17 though I began to experiment with drugs, first it was hash. I smoked a good bit of it and really enjoyed it and I suppose I thought I was cool and all that. I started hanging around with different sort of ppl. It was a different scene. I still kept in contact with some of my older friends and went drinking with them and cruising in the cars but over time this kind of phased out because I began not to have that much in common with them. Then I started taking pills (ecstasy). We had some mad times but I think it was shortly after this I began to get quite paranoid. Im abit immature in many ways (well back then I was anyway) and the other lads that used to take pills and stuff seemed to be more mature or chilled/relaxed. It didn't really fit in with them that well. They thought I was a bit of an eegit. (I think, maybe I was just really paranoid). I was talking alot of pills over a period of 9-10months. Sometimes, we could do them 4 weekends in a row, we would take at least three or 4 every night along with lots of hash. I became really paranoid and didn't know how to talk to ppl properly.

I then moved to a city on my own to do a course and never really made any friends. I was socially withdrawn at this stage, I suppose because my social life for the previous two years had resolved around drugs. I didn't even know what friends were anymore. So, I got used to my own company. I moved again and then things got worse. I was living with lads I didn't know and stayed alot of my time in my room as I was very bad socially and felt uncomfortable in their presence most of the time. Ive now moved again and this time with my friend, we get on well. He used to be part of the pill taking gang but he was different.

I think hes going through a similiar thing as me but he would never admit it or talk about it to me and vice versa. We go out but its difficult. I dont enjoy myself, im always very concious. I get mental block trying to talk to ppl. I have tried my best, I really have. I have absolutely no self esteem, I think sometimes...
but its funny, some days I wake up and I can accept myself...some confidence comes from somewhere...its gives me a taste of what my life could be like but the result is the same everytime, I get depressed and the next day I go back to my normal self.

I can honestly say that I think im naturally confident. I always was when I was younger, I just cant get any self-esteem, no matter how hard I try.
These days I cant even live my life normally, if im walking down the street im very paranoid and im always putting myself down. Ive thought about going to a counsellor a few times but I never do it. Im not even willing to do that much for myself.

LegacyUser

Are you still smoking the hash ?

LegacyUser

no, I don't touch anything any more.

Fajitas!

noselfesteem wrote:

Ive thought about going to a counsellor a few times but I never do it. Im not even willing to do that much for myself.

You might aswell, noone else is going to do it for you like... There's no point in being constantly unhappy. E's do have psychological effects too, aswell as if your smoking hash over a long period.


Take care, and hope you can help yourself.

seanogal

You have taken a very important step on the road to recovery,ie you have admitted to yourself and now publicly that your life is not as you want it and that there is a problem.You need professional help to deal with this as it is a hugely complex area.It can be done but it is a slow and sometimes painful process.I am in a similar position.After over 25 years I have admitted to having an alcohol problem and am recovering in a psychiatric hospital at the moment.Dont put this off.Go to a gp and get help.I wish you the best of luck.

ApeXaviour

Right..

Firstly stop this intro-spective self destructive over-thinking. A little is ok, a lot is pointless and depressing.
Secondly I'll tell you how I overcame my lack of self-esteem / shyness w.r.t. making friends in a new place. You can't. Not initially anyhow. It's weird, kind of like your stuck in a viscious circle/trap. If you made yourself some friends and a social life your self esteem would raise dramatically. Bar anti-depressants, this is the only thing that would do it. Since it's the lack preventing this, what do you do?

You act. I don't care if you can't act, you do it anyway.

Pretend to be happy, jolly, sound and most of all friendly (almost intrusively so). Go up to somebody in your place of work/study/living with hand out to shake and introduce yourself with a big smile on your face. You can't? Yes you can, there are no physical obstacles preventing you so just do it and screw the consequences. They'll more likely be better than worse so its a good risk. Just do it. Don't "try", that is accepting defeat. Make yourself to do it, don't think about it. Just friggin do it

Now some people here are likely to get all pedantic with me. I don't care, it worked for me, it will likely work for him. Some may start saying you should be yourself etc or other such un-useful things. Is being yourself working? No.
You're not changing yourself by doing this, no more than an actor playing a role, we are not our persona. Eventually as you become friendly with these people you can drop the pretenses and become your real lively self infront of them..

Oh and if you haven't already stop taking E. Excessive hash use can make people introverted also.

democrates

Your life is far from ruined, a) you're very young, b) you've survived tough times, c) you can easily retreive the situation and look forward to happy days!

You're in a temporary state brought on by the downward spiral of drugs, it's got nothing to do with who you really are and what you can and will be in life.

You just have to let the real you emerge and flourish again, similar to what ApeXaviour said. Life-coaches and counsellors use a technique called "self-talk interrupt" in these situations. It is a method for taking control of the thoughts you have, when a bad one occurs and starts dragging you down, interrupt it, and replace it with a good one that boosts you and encourages you to go forward and be happy. It works brilliantly.

For example a good thing to remind yourself is "We're all born with a right to a happy life, including me".
That's right goddammit, you have a right to a happy life, so why not grant yourself that happy life! You don't want to meet your maker in the afterlife and be accused of cruelty do you? Cruelty to who? Yourself! Think about that.

It takes practice to catch the downer thoughts and replace them with boosters, but it's easy to learn so take the bull by the horns and start right now:
If the fear of not doing this successfully or some other negative thought is hovering at the back of your mind, boot that traitor thought out on it's ass, replace it with the true belief that you will be successful at this, you will have those happy days going out with friends and laughing your head off! That is your god given birthright and no-one has the right to take it away, claim it back, it's yours.

The old saying "life is a journey, not a destination" is very true. Think of it this way, every day is a page in the book of your life. If there are bad things on past pages so what! Today is a fresh clean page and you can write whatever you want on it, so choose to write good stuff, enjoy each day. If you find yourself wishing you were in a better future right now, remind yourself that each page in that book of your life is just as valuable as the rest, so enjoy each and every one.

Avoid downer songs and until you're ready don't listen to the news which is a concentrated dose of other peoples downers, instead listen to uplifting songs like the classic gospel number "Oh happy days" (doesn't matter if you're not religious, the feelgood factor is yours for the taking so why not gorge yourself on it). Make that your new approach to life, dive in head first and immerse yourself in good positive experiences.

Decide that no matter what setbacks life brings, you'll always choose to improve your situation. Then you'll always know the future is bright, your graph is always going to go up again!

So the next time someone asks how you are say "never better!" with a smile and mean it. You have free will, you have the choice, choose hapiness, choose life!

spahndirge

Ok, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and ask why do you blame drugs?

We all put chemicals into us, we all have different upbringings, we've all experimented (and still do), and some of us have happy lives with drugs. What I'm saying here is that don't look at it as damage done, but just another part of growing up. When experimenting with drugs, a lot of time can be taken out of your life dealing with drugs when it normally is taken up by the standard dating/broken friendships/college/job thing.

Just from the title of your post you are already fighting a losing battle. Drugs can't change your personality, you can, they haven't ruined your life, you have let things get out of control.

Is any of this making sense? Or does it seem just a little far out?

CiaranC

Sounds to me like you are making drugs into a scapegoat when the problem is you.

Dragan

I'm afraid i gotta go with the last two posts. You just drop the drugs and hope everything will get better. You gotta go out of your way to help yourself.

By the sounds of it, no one knows you really well so you can pretty much reinvent yourself how you would like to be. Funny, confident at all that ****.

There was a time when i thought my dealings in the Dark Side had been the root of all my evils, then i realised it was just me.

Just something to think about.

meditraitor

I think the drugs had a major part to play in you introspectiveness,, you have have been phycologically stunted by your use of them during a very susceptable time in your growth to adulthood.
spahndirge and CiaranC dont really have a clue as to the effect of drug use during teenage years and there comments are not helpfull so ignore them.

One bit of advise I will give you is

You are still very young and If you steer clear of drugs from now you will find in time that you will start getting back to your old self,
just get out there and put yourself about, find new friends, join a club (sports, interest of some kind), the more contact you have with other people(non drug scene) the easier it will get.
You havent got the head for drugs and the good thing is you know it, stay away..
Good luck man...

Mark

spahndirge

meditraitor wrote:

spahndirge and CiaranC dont really have a clue as to the effect of drug use during teenage years and there comments are not helpfull so ignore them.

One bit of advise I will give you is

You are still very young and If you steer clear of drugs from now you will find in time that you will start getting back to your old self,
just get out there and put yourself about, find new friends, join a club (sports, interest of some kind), the more contact you have with other people(non drug scene) the easier it will get.
You havent got the head for drugs and the good thing is you know it, stay away..
Good luck man...

Mark

Oh god, here we go, the person who tried a few yokes and things went a bit pear shaped. AS you said, he doesn't have the head for them, one of the reason why drugs are and should be ilegal. And it's idiots like you who try and tell people that drugs are bad, mmmmkay?

I like to see the easy answer to all this guys problems you've mentioned, join a club, do some sports, get away from drugs, you sound like a priest.

PS - And it's "their", don't try and come off all high and mighty without knowing something like that. Idiot.

meditraitor

spahndirge wrote:

Oh god, here we go, the person who tried a few yokes and things went a bit pear shaped. AS you said, he doesn't have the head for them, one of the reason why drugs are and should be ilegal. And it idiots like you who try and tell people that drugs are bad, mmmmkay?

I like to see the easy answer to all this guys problems you've mentioned, join a club, do some sports, get away from drugs, you sound like a priest.

PS - And it's "their", don't try and come off all high and mighty without knowing something like that. Idiot.

Lowering this to a personal attack is off no help to the OP, he/she came here for some advise and opinions that will be helpfull, not some malemenstral opinion that is of no use to anyone.

In my opinion your judgement is flawed and the fact that the first thing you did was criticise and the second was a personal attack just proves to me I am not far off the truth.

Priest,,, mmmmmmmmmm how little you know

Mark.

Dragan

meditraitor wrote:

I think the drugs had a major part to play in you introspectiveness

Maybe his introspectiveness had a major part to play in the drugs???

You are assuming that the bad, bad drugs led to his curret situation.

OP , i would suggest you check out the reason why you left the original group of friends. Did a feeling of not fitting in exist even then???

And i stand by my original advice.

If no one knows you , you have nothing to lose. Re invent yourself and be the better person you want to be!

spahndirge

meditraitor wrote:

Lowering this to a personal attack is off no help to the OP, he/she came here for some advise and opinions that will be helpfull, not some malemenstral opinion that is of no use to anyone.

In my opinion your judgement is flawed and the fact that the first thing you did was criticise and the second was a personal attack just proves to me I am not far off the truth.

Priest,,, mmmmmmmmmm how little you know

Mark.

Thanks for proving me right. Look back at your original post which you stated...

meditraitor wrote:

spahndirge and CiaranC dont really have a clue as to the effect of drug use during teenage years and there comments are not helpfull so ignore them.

Let's rephrase that; don't listen to me I do not have a clue. Now, how could I not take that as a personal attack? First off you are singling me out and saying I have no clue what drugs are about, secondly, you're telling someone to disregard my opinion. Now, I shall quote this....

meditraitor wrote:

In my opinion your judgement is flawed and the fact that the first thing you did was criticise and the second was a personal attack just proves to me I am not far off the truth.

Well done!

meditraitor

spahndirge wrote:

Ok, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and ask why do you blame drugs?

We all put chemicals into us, we all have different upbringings, we've all experimented (and still do), and some of us have happy lives with drugs. What I'm saying here is that don't look at it as damage done, but just another part of growing up. When experimenting with drugs, a lot of time can be taken out of your life dealing with drugs when it normally is taken up by the standard dating/broken friendships/college/job thing.

Just from the title of your post you are already fighting a losing battle. Drugs can't change your personality, you can, they haven't ruined your life, you have let things get out of control.

Is any of this making sense? Or does it seem just a little far out?

IMO this is not helpfull, the fact he came here for advise shows a willingness to change,your whole "he's fighting a loosing battle" and its all his fault attitude is not the positive attitude he needs right now

2c

spahndirge

meditraitor wrote:

IMO this is not helpfull,

And arguing with me is? Saying my advice is useless? That's all you can come back with? Criticise my opinion?

You're on a roll today! You have done nothing but come in here, devalue opinions and advice, and now you're continuing to do it, while ignoring my previous post.

PS - type a full reply before you reply, perhaps you could think beforehand aswell.

meditraitor

spahndirge wrote:

And arguing with me is? Saying my advice is useless? That's all you can come back with? Criticise my opinion?

You're on a roll today! You have done nothing but come in here, devalue opinions and advice, and now you're continuing to do it, while ignoring my previous post.

PS - type a full reply before you reply, perhaps you could think beforehand aswell.

I stand by what I said, if he gives it some time off the drugs, he will notice a sharp upturn in his quality of life..that is, if as he said he was not introverted before his little experimental phase, he will get back to himself.. I hope Im right.

now, can you get back to the OP and his issue's, if you have some * start a thread and go from there.

Sorry for any grammatical error, :v:

CiaranC

The point that the OP is blaming a brief flirtation with drugs for his personal problems is perfectly valid. Practically everyone has a experiences of drugs in the formative years - some good, some bad.

Whatever the case, I think wed agree that he should leave the drugs behind so he can rule them out as the root of his problem.

Gordon

spahndirge wrote:

PS - And it's "their", don't try and come off all high and mighty without knowing something like that. Idiot.

banned for a week

LegacyUser

To the OP..

I spent my early 20's doing the drug thing and while i had lots of fun, I found my personality fell away too. I went down the sports route and reckon I'm gaining it back now and am as out-going as I remember i was before. I reckon I was at your stage a while ago and have worked my way through it. Take all the positive advise you can. Give yourself little tasks and start getting some activities/hobbies to put your time into and to meet people. It does work, believe me. I can quite happily go to raves now, be myself and not touch drugs and have a great time with my mates.

Luckily some of them are like minded and some do drugs, but unlike me, can handle them in moderatiuon, so I don't feel I've left any of the scene I used to enjoy behind... which was one thing I was afraid of loosing out on.

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

jesus lads, enough with the b1tching...

As for the original post, you are a classic crash and burn example.
It happened to me aswell. The bad news is that you are just going to have to accept the fact that you have developed a moping depressed personality and you ARE an anti-social person.
It is vitally important that you don't beat your self up over the fact that at one time you werent this way.
Don't fall into the trap of trying to become what you were in the past. That stage in your life, abeit a much happier time than now, is history.
The good news is that your personality is always changing. In the same way that you are nothing now like you were 5 years ago, similarily in 5 years time you'll be nothing like you are now.
As for the paranoia, as i remember it it was always associated with a feeling/emotion of anxiety or unrest. What you have to do is bite the bullet and try and force yourself to calm down or relax when you get this feeling. That's all you can do. and calming down may not make you feel better in the short term, it is this calming down that over time effects your personality. For the better...
I think that's how i got through it, WHEN YOU FEEL ANXIOUS, TRY AND CALM YOURSELF DOWN. It has a chain reaction, and although the paranoia doesn't go away immediately, you can fade it out over time with this simple process. Then if you manage to become a more relaxed person, which will happen over time, then you will find that you'll become more sociable. For the time being, don't sit in your room trying to comprehend or put into words what is wrong with your life, that doesnt help at all, that just encourages negative emotion. the type of negative emotion that over time, accumulated and got you were you are in the first place!!!

Anyway, i hope that helps you, and i hope things work out for ye man..

cjs19

Oh Jesus, has anybody any idea how fragile somebody experiencing drug induced psychoses can be? Paranoia is a beast that feeds itself and even the slightest misinflection in a phrase can trigger an attack. Stop dishing out medical advice if youre not a Doctor. To the last poster: "you are a classic crash and burn example." Had you any inkling that maybe beginning your post with this phrase was probably not a great idea, when in fact you actually made some helpful points. To the OP, listen mate, people here cant help you with reduced levels of serotonin or damaged neurotransmitters from excessive use of mixa diethylamide meth amphetamine. In short the common cause of depression/paranoia/schizophrenia and social withdrawal within MDMA users pertains to the lengthening of the synapses in the patients brain, meaning it takes much longer for a message to jump to the next nerve ending. This is the case for happy messages originating in the dopamine centre(in MDMA cases) or everyday messages. The best steps are to consult your doctor and explain your case history and he can perhaps recommend some avenues not just reuptake inhibitors. If all this sounds technical, it is. It's not meant for a boards.ie forum. You have done well however in admitting your problem and I strongly recommend you seek medical attention. There are recovery techniques, they just take a little readjusting.

turbot

Think of drug use like this:

Drugs are a convenient, albiet potentially risky way to access all kinds of euphoric states of mind and have blissful mad experiences that most people, for all practical extents and purposes, aren't easily able to access by themselves.

Using drugs at these formative times in your life means that
1) You barely had to rely on yourself to get into a good mood, thereby not really practicing, developing or figuring out this part of your psyche, of being in an OK mood and making it good

2) The paranoia you describe that happened next (possibly likely due to neuro-chemical effects of the drugs) left you in a place where it was much harder to develop such effects.

You can also achieve something similar state of withdrawal, by really badly burning yourself out...

I think you have to focus on what makes your life better bit by bit, and very rigiorously apply that:

- Learn about and preferably seek professional advice about how you can nourish yourself to redress any imbalances the drugs might have called.

Read "Optimum Nutrition For the Mind" by Patrick Holford and start drinking organic juices, etc. This will better support you nutritionally, which means you will probably have more energy / clarity as a result. Go and see a doctor and he might be able to prescribe you specific amino acids like trytophan which can help support your seretonin levels.

- Fill your life with worthwhile activities that do not require too much social interaction. I'd suggest that you do Yoga Classes... , martial arts, learn to meditate, you might find that if you start doing some kind of bio-energy healing that it could help you. Doing these will also make you more interesting as a person

- Personally, in terms of overcoming fears, I find that playing slightly scary computer games helps, because in order to actually win, you have to learn to manage your fears. Maybe you can get a job that requires you hand out flyers or something like that.

- A good social life is often the bi product of being in a pretty good state of mind, and being an interesting person who finds good social opportuities; so it's smart to support yourself

- I also think that such paranoia means you become highly sensitised to smaller influences like your blood sugar levels; try eating good organic porridge for breakfast / avoid sugars and see what happens.

You are young and you have loads of life in you so make the most of it!

Xandy

Just to comment on this. I understand some of the feelings the original poster feels(esp about communicating). Since the starting of this year my life just went straightdownhill. Im going on 18 and doing my leaving certificate. I was a frequent cannabis smoker but after I had a seizure in which i was hospitalised i stopped. I feel as if my life has drifted away from me. My biggest problems are lack of self esteem and communicating with people and to to put it straight: fear of what one refers to as a "retard". I know im not the worst off, im young,im not extremely unattractive or overweight anyway and ive a history of past excellent results in school and sitting all honours subjects for my leaving, socially im abstract and i view myself in an extremely negative way. I believe im depressed. Im constantly beating myself up over things, my mind is never at rest and in general I would just simply describe myself as being paranoid. I have recognised my social problems in simply communicating but although I know i could have a normal conversation,my subconcious is never relaxed with other thoughts.I lost all my past friends,they were cruel and lowlife wasters,now they cause me to become nervous in school. The only thing now is in school(before i had a popular enough repution) now im stuggling each day to get by(im trying my best as its my leaving cert year),when asked to read paragraphs id break into sweats and id become completely nervous and it would be a terrible struggle to read the piece, stumbling over words. The last months have been all rollercoasting downhill and i feel im at the point now where im somehow beginning to cope with my **** ups by just studying and simply moving on as if things have no meanings although I always beat myself up over things. I feel it was drugs and the bad group that broke me. They were bullies. I have friends who are decent people (not dorky in any way) who are simply nice people and I feel they know about my problems... I cant offer much advice, all my attempts to try live some of my older happier life have resulted in me in tears alone in my room. My point is I belive hashish and a bad set of friends can **** up badly! Reading the original post was all to familar. There are nice people out there whocan help your problems. Personally i find taking small steps day by day helps and usually i fall, picking myself up is the hard part. Dont take large steps, then you fall easier and further. I really do wish you the best, i know how fustrating it feels when you believe you wasted your life. if you ever want to talk plz pm me I would be happy to talk with you.

LegacyUser

Lot of good advice going to OP, but I'll just add my thoughts anyway.

I've been where you are, though alcohol was my problem. I was never physically addicted, I just couldn't handle the stuff. It completely washed away (or make me feel it had washed away) what I considered my good points. I'm sure most of us here have similar stories so there's no need to elaborate, the real issue is how I've made myself self-confident again.

Stopped drinking altogether (just to clear the system)
I pretty much changed my cd collection, no longer listened to stuff I associated with that time in my life, and replaced it with feel-good music (obvious I know)
Went back to sports, since training leads to natural chemicals being released and it occupied my time. Also a good way to meet a new set of friends.
Eat properly, fruits and veg, I'm not a health freak or anything, still loads of time for pizza and chinese.
Stopped mopping, I worked hard at college, I didn't give myself time to sit around wondering if I was depressed.
Since I wasn't drinking myself into a coma each night I found it easier to pull girls, get girlfriends etc. Women have a way of occupying spare time so even less time for moping.
Took advantage of Ryanair to see the world, or at least near-Europe, you know see new things, experience new places

So basically, got healthy, filled my time, made new friends (though I still ave most of my old mates. Anyway you're a very young man, it's a pretty big world, nothing is ruined yet.