Worried about lack of intense feelings.

PeterGriffen

Hi all. I'm very worried today. My girlfriend and I met up in another country at the start of this year. We said goodbye to each other when we went back to our home countries at the end of July. We decided to get back together during our time apart and she moved to Ireland to be with me on Wednesday this week. I'm worried about the lack of intensity of my feelings. I don't feel strongly about her being here. I'm worried if we did the right thing. I'm panicking that I got her to leave her loved ones behind to be with someone who doesn't feel as intensely about her as she feels about me. My heart wasn't pounding, I wasn't "lost in her eyes", I'm not floating around in a happy daydream. Basically none of the stuff that is meant to happen in the first flushes of love. I think the problem could just be that, as I have gotten older, I feel love less intensely. Is this normal. I cried my eyes out when we said goodbye, why don't I feel as intensely about seeing her again as I did about saying goodbye to her? I just hope this is initial cold feet, because I want things to work between us, I just wish I could feel love as intensely as I did in my early twenties. I would really appreciate anybodys opinion on this.

hottstuff

all of those things usually happen in love stories , written by mostly women , you may be unsure of yourself and are afraid you have made the wrong decision and unfortunately mate i think your hesitations and doubts come too late.
surely you should have had these feelings before she came here , unless it was all her decision , you should have considered this very carefully as it may ruin her life , as she has given up all to be with you.
You must speak to her and open yourself up to her and tell her your fears and importantly tell her if you feel you can give it a go.

best of luck

Beruthiel

PeterGriffen wrote:

I want things to work between us, I just wish I could feel love as intensely as I did in my early twenties. I would really appreciate anybodys opinion on this.

that sort of intense feeling never lasts for more than six months or so, it can't, you'd burn out, and anyway, we all grow out of that 'teenager intense' eventually.
However, you say you want things to work out between ye, so what does that mean exactly?
it doesn't have to be 'intense' to love, putting that aside, what are your feelings for her?
life is not like the movies you know....
you might be feeling some pressure as she moved here for you, relax, give yourself some time and see how it goes

PeterGriffen

Before she came I was absolutely sure I wanted her here. I know everybody idealises the other person in a long distance relationship. I just hope the panic I felt was just that. Initial panic at a life changing move. We were very happy when we lving abroad together. I was just hoping for a bigger feeling when I saw her again. Unfortunately you are right about that stuff only being true in books.

LegacyUser

i hear ye dude, i'm in a similarish situation.

i've been seeing my girl for a couple of months now, long distance thing also.

this love thing has me stumped, acording to the movies and pop culture in general, i should be floating on cloud 9, but i'm not.

i'm more worried about, the pressure's of me moving there, or her moving here, and will it work out, it's like going from seeing each other ocasionally to moving in together.

this has me very worried.

i think the problem is, there's a pressure on you to make it work, more so than a domestic relationship. it's hard enough moving in together when the girl lives in the same country, but when they've left their, job, family and friends, the anti's definitly up!

personaly, i'm off to get some counciling, i had a few relationship problems a few years back, and it helped to talk about them to a professional.

i have friends to talk to, but tbh, i think it's better to talk things over with a counciler.

also, remember, you don't know what you have til it's gone, try to imagine what it would be like without her, would your life be better or worse?

best of luck, i hope you figure things out

PeterGriffen

Cheers similar_dude. I'm glad I'm not the only one. She is seven years younger than me so I think that she is more on cloud nine about this than I am, which I think is really unfair on her. I think with every relationship that drops dead, you become more and more cynical and immune to love. Does every relationship inevitably end up as friends who fcuk? Thats a depressing thought. The movies and popular culture have really built up expectations of what love should feel like to unrealistic levels, and I actually feel guilty that that is not how I feel.

Clár

Hi Peter,

I am also in a long distance relationship, i know that when i see my man for a weekend at a time it is very intence and emotional. But then he moved over to Ireland 6 months into our relationship which was the end of July this year, and it was really different.

I have to say while i was and still am crazy abour him my intense feelings did cease somewhat also. You go from seeing the person one weekend a month and your SO excited to see them you have like the best weekend ever. Then you are seeing them every day your bound to loose some of the magical initial feelings.

I wouldn't worry too much, if you stop fancying her or she starts to irritate you thats when you have to really decide if you want to be with her.

PeterGriffen

Thanks Clar. I appreciate the advice. I just had a major panic attack that this girl turned her life upside down for me and I don't feel as stongly for her as she deserves. But to be honest, I couldn't feel the level of intensity of love that is shown in books and movies for anybody, not just my current girlfriend. I just don't feel love that intensely. So I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

Fraggle

I think I know why you are feeling like this...she is just coming across as being really into you, has made a huge lifechanging decision to be with you, obviously cares for you deeply.This is COLD FEET!!Guys hate when the girl is too eager.I guarantee that if she decided to head home tomorrow you would be torn apart.You need to appreciate what you've got!

Richelieu

It's true to say that some thing replace the teenage intensity thing, but i think what you're talking about isn't just that. You seem to have real reservations about your relationship.
I know where you're coming from. I lived abroad for a while and got into a similar situation. When you're away everything is spiced that little bit more and any relationship I had was garnished with that 'holiday romance' quality. Which is s lovely but misleading thing. Up till the last one this was the case.
Now you're back to irish life the romance has gone? Could this be it? Maybe it;s not that you don;t feel love as intensely, maybe simply your feelings for this girl weren't as deep to begin with as you imagined. (forgive me if I'm statiing the obvious here)

All I can advise is to see how it goes. If it gets bad for you it will for her too. maybe its a general period you're going through?

lazydaisy

[QUOTE=PeterGriffen. I cried my eyes out when we said goodbye, why don't I feel as intensely about seeing her again as I did about saying goodbye to her? I just hope this is initial cold feet, because I want things to work between us, I just wish I could feel love as intensely as I did in my early twenties. I would really appreciate anybodys opinion on this.[/QUOTE]

As I get older I feel it more intensely and the hurt gets worse after break ups. I feel like a weirdo reading this thread because it seems the opposite is true for most people.

Could you have bad separation anxiety or abandonment issues that trigger the emotional reaction to saying goodbye? Did you have death in your life?

I know we often dont choose who we love but we often do choose. Do you think there was a reason why you chose to be with someone who was absent?

Cold feet? Maybe. Doesnt love cast out fear? [St. Paul] Or does fear cast out love?

Passion and love are not the same thing. Sometimes they are not even in the same room.