my first go at poetry on this - any feeback appreciated

Oakburner

Dont burn up,
my supernova sunrise.
We can sit and drink and laugh.

And hide away when all is done
and laugh some more,
just between ourselves.
Cry our eyes til even we believe,
all our little lies.

Angels take your wings back now,
we never followed through.

ctrl-alt-delete

Oakburner wrote:

Dont burn up,
my supernova sunrise.
We can sit and drink and laugh.

And hide away when all is done
and laugh some more,
just between ourselves.
Cry our eyes til even we believe,
all our little lies.

Angels take your wings back now,
we never followed through.

i like it for a first post, well done, i like the use of words and how its put together, although if i was to find fault it would be that it ends quite suddenly (but maybe that was intended given the subject)....i like it the way it is, but id like to know more about the story in the poem(if you know what i mean)

Oakburner

that was the intention to be honest because for me thats the way it happened. i want people to think about what it says. no story ties up evry loose and and i think poetry should make people think. continue the story in your own head and it'll be just as good as the actual eventuality.

ctrl-alt-delete

Oakburner wrote:

that was the intention to be honest because for me thats the way it happened. i want people to think about what it says. no story ties up evry loose and and i think poetry should make people think. continue the story in your own head and it'll be just as good as the actual eventuality.

thats cool - it does work very well then - i just wasn't sure whether that was the intention, but now i know i agree with you, your right about making people think, i always do that with mine,

post up some more work when you get the chance

Blush_01

I really liked it... a rare thing, as many here might say. It doesn't smack of teenage angst, it doesn't try to be overly rhyme-y and end up like a toddler's riddle, it's well balanced... keep up the good work.

hullaballoo

There's a very mixed message in there. I suppose that reflects the flurry of emotions. The meter and the staccato rythm lend to that impression too.

I'm not exactly sure what the experience you're talking about is, but it reminds me a lot of a blind date I went on once. It went so badly that I ended up telling her I had to move to Egypt. I got away with it too, until our friends started hanging around together. Ugh.

Overall, an excellent first attempt.

theboytaylor

Nice dude, very nice.

Just the kind of writing I like.

One might even say beautiful.