SWG Poem

Big Chief

copied from our forums.

Every player in the galaxy Liked Star Wars a lot...
But Smedley, Who lived outside the galaxy, Did NOT!
Smedly hated Star Wars! Every planetary region!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,
He stood in his office, hating these fools,
Staring down from his window with a sour icky frown
At a shiny new shuttle in a player created town.
"They’re leveling jedi!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow more will come! They’re practically here!"
Then he growled, with his fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop players from coming!"

For,Tomorrow, he knew...
...All the dancers and musicians Would wake bright and early.
They'd rush for their cantinas! And then! Oh, the noise!
Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the players, young and old, would gather in town.
And plan an adventure. It had to go down!
They would plot a base take down or to hunt some rare beast
Which was something Smedly couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every player on the server, the tall and the small,
would get in there vehicles or they might just run.
Then those veteran players would start to have fun!

They'd craft! And they'd grind!
And they'd GRIND! GRIND! GRIND! GRIND!
The more Smedly thought of the players the DVD might bring,,
The more the Smedly thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for two and a half years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop these players from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
SMEDLY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" He laughed in his throat.
I will kill this game and not be the goat!
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick!"
"I’ll kill this game off, and I’ll kill it quick!"

"All I need is a producer..." Then Smedly looked around.
But, since producers are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Smedly...? No! Smedly simply said,
"If I can't find a producer, I'll make one instead!"

Talent under Smedly was as bare as his cupboards,
Because people in his watch tend to fail upwards!
THEN He saw an ex-tester and shouted with Glee
His name was Julio Torres. I’ll call him JT
I'll make him a puppet,.... and pull all the strings
I'll make him do all sorts of horrible things
"This is thing number one," old Smedly hissed
And he slapped at his desktop, banging his fist.
We’ve hit them with nerf-bats till our fingers are blue.
We can’t use the nerf bat, the nerf bat won’t do
As his plan was unfolding his hands were wringing
and his tiny cold heart was desperately pinging

Smedly began to pontificate “I know what to do,
We wreck the whole world and claim that it's fast and fun too!
“We kill every profession, burn them all to the ground.”
“Replace them with one, not a real difference to be found”
“Then change a few things and call them iconic”
“Even a five year old boy will find them moronic”
“Well remove the targeting system, that’ll empty the house”
“Make them awkwardly chase things with there keyboard and mouse”
“Oh crafter’s, and dancers, and musicians too”
“Lets leave them with absolutely nothing to do”
“We’ll laugh as they all cry boo-hoo-hoo”
“Now what server won’t be terribly blue?”

“And Jedi, it’s Jedi I hate most of all”
“It is time they all take a terrible fall”
“We will make them useless, strip all of there power”
“Surely that will knock them from there ivory tower!”

Then Smedly slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
And worked a long time and made the NGE present!
He nerfed pets and loot and every last gun!
And carefully made sure he removed all the fun!

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the players were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When the NGE hit the first little house on the square.

When the players logged in they were told to respec.
Most players wondered “Oh my gosh! What the heck?”
Then they wandered and tried and finally found there house
But most goofily jumped and couldn’t work there mouse.
When they got to there houses there stuff was useless or gone,
How could our fun have really hurt anyone?
The players quit and cancelled till all servers were bare.
Glancing at the financially reports lead Smedly to declare.
“I have killed SWG, I truly have won”
“There is no way that anyone can find any fun!”
But, Smedly had been caught by this e-zine reporter
Who'd come to his office to see what was the matter.
She stared at Smedly and said, "Smedly, why,
"Why are you taking our game away? WHY?"

But, you know, old Smedly was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"You are quite right dear, the forums are flaming”,
"That’s the vocal minority, there always complaining."
"Players love the NGE, our subscriptions are high."
"The cries of the whinner’s simply won’t fly."
And his fib fooled the reporter. Then he patted her shoulder
And he got her a drink and claimed the trouble was over.
And when the reporter left his office with her cup,
He took the financial reports and tore them all up.
But into his office the Chairman of the board came
He looked at Smedly and declared “What a shame”
“Last year we grossed sixty million dollars from this game”

“We need to balance the budget and fire someone”
“We have tried the NGE and it really isn’t much fun”
“Please clean out your desk. Get out pal, your done!”

Sums it up nicely