Forgive and forget?

Richelieu

OK. quick one this. Pretty straighforward. Personal experience we're talking here too. Ahem.

The girlfriend comes clean that she's cheated. Won;t tell me who it is which makes me more suspicious as it is. We've only been going out a short while, few months, and I'm not usually the jealous type. I always said I would give someone a second chance. Now it's happened though, I feel ill and really betrayed.
She's in bits asking for forgiveness. What to do, what to do??

xzanti

Did she admit to it as a last resort i.e where you on to her and she panicked?? Or did she come clean of her own accord.. I thinks thats the key here.. If she did it out of honesty then Id forgiver her.. But obviously its your call...

whiskeyman

You'll get a good few replies on this one... hope it works out for ya man.
One possible thing is to ask her, imagine if you had cheated and you told her... what would she do?
If she can honestly say she'd forgive you, it may be worthwhile working at it.

Nevyn

you have several options, you could forgive her and still break up with her.

tbh

I would deffo want to know who it was with before I could move on. If it's some randomer she shifted, then it would be easier to forgive than if it was someone she sees all the time. But if she seems genuinely sorry, then give her a second chance. We all make mistakes, especially in the early stages of a relationship when you've not quite made the 'switch' in your head (or maybe thats just me). If it happens again, tho, forget it. Hope that helps, and hope it works out.

Caimin

spahndirge

Dump her. Seriously man, she confessed that she cheated and she's begging for forgiveness, but she won't tell you who she cheated on you with.

She's trying to get off easy with it by knowing that if she doesn't tell you the full story that you'll forgive her a lot faster, which in turn will make her feel better and make you feel like a fool if it ever happens again.

Beruthiel

Richelieu wrote:

What to do, what to do??

I don't believe anyone here can answer that question for you, the decision comes down to whither you, as a person, can be with someone who has done this.
me, I'd dump someone straight away for that, but that's just because I'd loose all respect for them.

muppetkiller

I'm sorry for your pain..but It happened me once and I couldn't even look at her again in fact even thinking about it know angers me..
...Trust betrayed ...and if I couldn't trust her why go out with her. for me trust is everything ...

But I guess if you can see past it and she's really sorry...then maybe give it another go.

xzanti is right though how did she tell you and why did she tell you ?..was it because she thought you may have found out from someone else ? If thats the case then maybe it's someone close to you...?
Oh forgiving is easy it's forgetting thats the problem

BoozyBabe

TBH, I think I could forgive (as you're not going out all that long), but I don't think I could forget.

What if she goes out without you next weekend on a girly night out.

you'll be wondering was she with someone, & you'll be really suspicious of her the next day (Or atleast I would be)

Relationship's are about trust. It you don't have it, you have nothing, imo.

Can you trust her after this?

Best of Luck

Kersh

Ditch her. Defo, cos she did it. Whats to stop her doing it again. Get rid of her now, or howabout tell her you were with someone last night, and see how she reacts. Theres no excuse for doing the dirt, ever.

WhiteWashMan

personally, id want to know what the situation was and why and how it happened.
depending on those details i would either stay or dump.

if it was a planned thing with someone she knew, then id have to have a serious amount of time to think about it.

if it was a drunken fumble etc, id be mighty p1ssed off, but i would forgive and try to forget.

i believe everyone is entitled to a second chance though.

styer

relationships are built on trust..... nobody can tell you what to do, but if it was me, i'd dump her without thinking twice....

turbot

I'd want to know:

- How exactly did she cheat?
(Kissed someone, slept with someone once while really drunk, had a mini-affair soberly and consciously?)

- When did she cheat / what was going on with her?
(Was it while she was still getting to know you and simply exploring)

- Who was it?
**I think from your perspective it's worse that you don't know who it was, because that leaves you to wonder / mistrust.... etc. So if she cares about you, you deserve to know**

Basically, she has done the right thing by telling you, and thats much better than her not telling you. It also probably means she realises she likes you, though that doesn't mean it's a good thing.

Since it's early on in the relationship (and I don't know exactly what your relationship is ... living together ... confirmed boyf/girf .... etc) I think it's forgiveable albeit compromising. You need to set even stronger ground to continue.

If she's really worth it, give her a second chance, but if you're going to commit to her, you need to know she gives the same back. Make this very clear if you can stomach it, and make even clearer that if it happens again, in doing that, she knows what she's deciding.

hullaballoo

More details are going to be needed for anyone (especially Richelieu) to know what the right thing to do is.

This sort of thing is always a nightmare for pretty much everyone involved and I certainly feel for you.

BeardyGit

I'd want to know nothing at all. Who cares? She cheated on your ass - That's all that matters. You either decide she had a reason (and be a forgiving sap) or you dump her rotten ass. Can you honestly believe there's something special enough about this girl to make up for the fact that she doesn't respect you?! Self respect and self worth are obviously in decline if people are prepared to put up with this sort of treatment. Betrayal of trust is the death knell for a relationship. Do the right thing and make sure she learns her lesson here - Forgiveness won't teach it - Only punishment will.

Yeah, I've been burned. Yeah it's likely to happen to all of us at some time. But no way in hell will I ever accept it, whether or not it was a drunken act, retribution for you being an inattentive arsehole or whatever. Maybe an explanation in their books but I have no time for excuses for this crap. It doesn't wash.

Drop her. And make sure she knows why. You want to be the boyfriend and are happy to play second fiddle? Come off it man.

Gil

pbsuxok1znja4r

Gil_Dub wrote:

I'd want to know nothing at all. Who cares? She cheated on your ass - That's all that matters. You either decide she had a reason (and be a forgiving sap) or you dump her rotten ass. Can you honestly believe there's something special enough about this girl to make up for the fact that she doesn't respect you?! Self respect and self worth are obviously in decline if people are prepared to put up with this sort of treatment. Betrayal of trust is the death knell for a relationship. Do the right thing and make sure she learns her lesson here - Forgiveness won't teach it - Only punishment will.

Yeah, I've been burned. Yeah it's likely to happen to all of us at some time. But no way in hell will I ever accept it, whether or not it was a drunken act, retribution for you being an inattentive arsehole or whatever. Maybe an explanation in their books but I have no time for excuses for this crap. It doesn't wash.

Drop her. And make sure she knows why. You want to be the boyfriend and are happy to play second fiddle? Come off it man.

Gil

Take this man's advice. This girl had either planned it, or is the kind of girl who isn't able to stop herself doing this kind of shit. Either way that means you should dump her and move on as quickly as possible.

funk-you

Dump her.

galwaydude

ye have only been going out a few months and already she has cheated on you.As wwm said find out why she felt the need to cheat? Have ye been having problems.The relationship is only new so can you trust her now in the future.All the whatifs?

She may deserve a second chance but as the relationship is only a few months old i would dump her as she didnt repect you or think of her actions when she cheated on you. Once the trust is gone or even doubted then its very hard to get the relationship back on track.

Almost forgot sorry mate that this has happened to you, its never easy.

Richelieu

ok, apparently it was 'almost a randomer' and it happened at his place. Someone she 'almost' knows from college. So there's that. Also it was in the afternoon and no drink was involved. Gotta say I'm veering toward cutting the whole thing off.
I guess I'm surprised because I always thought I'd ne the type to give a second chance. I guess it's true what they say; you never know till it happens.

tbh

in that case, my advice would be to end it so.

Beruthiel

Richelieu wrote:

Also it was in the afternoon and no drink was involved..

well
if she can do this while totally sober, then she damn well knew what she was doing and has no excuse whatsoever for her behaviour.

galwaydude

if she cheats on you so early in the relationship then whats stopping her from doing it again and again.Have some respect for yourself and dump her.

styer

details are..... his place, someone she hardly knows, midafternoon, no drink...

she has absolutely no excusses....... whats to stop her from doing it again.... If it was me i'd dump her...... have some respect for yourself.....

vorbis

dump her, I doubt she's too worried about the whole relationship thing

sham69

Sorry to hear this.
No amount of advice is going to help you as i think you know yourself
what you want to do. She obviously is not a complete Bit** as she told you.
At the end of the day its your decision.
Good luck with it and sorry...

Tobias Greeshman

The fact that she cheated on you sober, shows how much your relationship means to her. Can you really trust her after this? tbh If it was me I'd dump her right away, I couldn't stay with someone that cheated on me.

Dragan

Richelieu wrote:

OK. quick one this. Pretty straighforward. Personal experience we're talking here too. Ahem.

The girlfriend comes clean that she's cheated. Won;t tell me who it is which makes me more suspicious as it is. We've only been going out a short while, few months, and I'm not usually the jealous type. I always said I would give someone a second chance. Now it's happened though, I feel ill and really betrayed.
She's in bits asking for forgiveness. What to do, what to do??

The question is not can you forgive her. It's can you trust her in future of will you always feel a bit dodge about it???

It won't be much of a relationship if you can't.

thehurricane

sorry to hear bout what happened man, it would cut me up. dunno what id do - prob end it, it'll be in the back of your mind and drive u up the wall. even if she is faithful for the rest of her living days, you could become a suspicious c*nt whether u like it or not.

if shes not telling you who it was shes ashamed its probably an ex boyf or (even worse) one of your mates
get to the bottom of that first if she tells you (and you believe her) step back then and evaluate the situation

WhiteWashMan

Richelieu wrote:

ok, apparently it was 'almost a randomer' and it happened at his place. Someone she 'almost' knows from college. So there's that. Also it was in the afternoon and no drink was involved. Gotta say I'm veering toward cutting the whole thing off.
I guess I'm surprised because I always thought I'd ne the type to give a second chance. I guess it's true what they say; you never know till it happens.

well, she was fully in control and new what she was doing.
the relationship hasnt even got off the ground yet.

you can look at it two ways.

you can look at it as a glich on the way to happiness in the future, and just the fact that she may have some issues around monogamy. in which case, id want to know why she did it.

or

you can say truely to yourself that she is not that important to you that you are going to stand for someone being so disrespectful towrds you and your relationship that its not worth the time.

to be honest, if it were me, in your situation, then i would tell her that i no longer trust her and im not prepared to be walked over and allow her to shag other people becuase she wants to, and that she is now free to do whatever she wants. oh, and have anice life, but youre not welcome in mine.
and then typedef her sister.

el tel

If she has confessed this to you then it's just a case of her placing her guilt onto you. So in making herself feel a little better she's made you feel ill and betrayed. If a mate came to you with the same issue you'd probably give them the same advice - dump her.

Kersh

Some 'random' guys gaff, in the AFTERNOON, god man ditch her. Quick, and be real cruel doing it too. I fully expected you to say something like it was a saturday night and she was drunk etc etc, and even then i said ditch her.
Now you should really go for the throat.

alfa147

tell her the only way u'll stay with her is if she has a threesome.. she has to pick the other girl and get involved as much as u will...

might aswell get the most out of her or u could just dump.. think of ur dignity.

tinkerbell

I doubt he was so "random" really ...... he's a lad she knows from college, she went back to his house, she got herself in that situation and went along with it. It would've been one thing if she was visiting a friend's house, but she got together with this guy (so obviously more than friends). She was sober, knew what she was doing.

Personally, I'd dump her. Ain't worth it if she's cheating full stop. I wouldn't bother giving her a second chance.

Dave

I think it's better you found this out now, before you really fell for her. Think of the heartache if it happened a year down the line.

And as WWM already said, typedef her sister, I think that's the main point you should be taking from this

Zulu

Cut and run

hullaballoo

There's only one thing that seems inconsistant, and that's the fact that she told you about it. That would, under different circumstances, suggest she regrets it. I dunno.

Just comes down to how much you like her now. I'd say dump her.

Do it by text too; it seems to me like she wanted to cheat on you if it was in the middle of the day. How come she ended up back in his place if she didn't specifically intend being with him.

bobbi

ok not too be blunt but in my personnal experience if shes not telling u who she cheated with its obviously someone you know him and she doesn't want to ruin the friendship or coz fighting with this guy and you.I believe if ya cheat it makes you either realise what your boyfriend etc means to you or that its not going to work with this guy. Shes realised she made a mistake and is sorry. so forgive her people and let it go

EvilPixieOne

and you're sure she consented fully? that it wasn't against her will or anything?

Richelieu

no there was no mention of anything being against her will. Moreover it was all told to me very matter-of-factly in a way that quite took me aback.

have to admit I'm veering toward finishing it. Can't look at her the same way now.

hullaballoo

Seems like an open and shut case so.

Fraggle

Gawd I dunno.We have all heard the "I was so drunk and I can't even REMEMBER" stories (vodka is a curse!) and manys the time people have been caught out by getting atrociously drunk, blacking out and then discovering the next morning that they had their tongue downs someones gob the nite b4.

The above I could POSSIBLY FORGIVE.I have been cheated on myself and let the cheater know they might get a second chance. They didn't want it and turns out he had been seeing the girl he cheated on me with ever since we broke up!Lovely!

However.There was no drink involved.They were alone together.Think about it.There must have been SOME chemistry.You don't just snog someone soberly for no good reason.

I respect the fact that she fessed up but sometimes this can be to make HER feel better and not YOU.

Take two months out and back away from the situation. Go on the rebound.If after that time you still want to give her a chance then do it.But hold on to your pride.

Dutchboy

No drink involved, and she won't tell you who's involved :eek:

Cut and Run

hullaballoo

Fraggle wrote:

Gawd I dunno.We have all heard the "I was so drunk and I can't even REMEMBER" stories (vodka is a curse!) and manys the time people have been caught out by getting atrociously drunk, blacking out and then discovering the next morning that they had their tongue downs someones gob the nite b4.

The above I could POSSIBLY FORGIVE.I have been cheated on myself and let the cheater know they might get a second chance. They didn't want it and turns out he had been seeing the girl he cheated on me with ever since we broke up!Lovely!

However.There was no drink involved.They were alone together.Think about it.There must have been SOME chemistry.You don't just snog someone soberly for no good reason.

I respect the fact that she fessed up but sometimes this can be to make HER feel better and not YOU.

Take two months out and back away from the situation. Go on the rebound.If after that time you still want to give her a chance then do it.But hold on to your pride.

Yup.

Sounds like ya need yer own PI thread there girly.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

In my opinion once someone cheats in a relationship it's game over! If it was me I would probably be able to forgive my partner! It's one thing forgiving and it's another thing forgetting!!!!
You probably won't be able to trust her 100% ever again! I know I wouldn't!

DAEDULUS

this girl is not special,she is not the exeption, men dont make exeptions for disrespect,dump her ass

kittenkiller

You probably should give her a second chance.
But I doubt I'd be able to.

If you think you can live with it, give it a go.

American Dream

That's a tough situation. I have been there myself and I decided to stay with my boyfriend at the time. Even though the relationship went on for a year or so longer, there weren't too many days that went by that I didnt worry about it happening again. Any time he went out with friends, anytime he "had to study", etc. it was always in the back of my head that he could do it again.

You got to do what feels right, but just realise that if you decide to stay with this girl, the trust is hard to get back. You probably dont really want to start a relationship like that. Best of luck...