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the truth, opinions very welcome

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  • 06-12-2005 10:10am
    #1
    stevejazzx
    Registered Users Posts: 3,247 ✭✭✭


    The truth

    ]Chins like enclaves carved from gold
    Eyes that snowed the story told

    Lips like lizards grossing slurps
    Hair a bundle of tiny burps

    Arms a length of luscious yarn
    Tummy joy like rose s worn

    Misty voices identifiably unknown
    Ankles like stones in a river thrown

    Toes the pettiest pigs cuddled down
    Ears the envy of every clown

    Fingers fickle like lovers words
    Skin like ancient cloth unfurled

    Palms like pressing powder smooth
    Thighs like natures naked food

    This is the spiral that I crave
    For I am lost without a grave

    END

    love to hear some opinions about this.........


Comments

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    #2
    Blush_01
    Registered Users Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    Personally, I think that the rhyme is too deliberate, tries just a little too hard. I know the rhyming scheme is supposed to be deliberate, the fact that it's constructed of rhyming couplets didn't escape me, but the rhyming pattern isn't smooth enough yet. Spit and polish it a bit, maybe?


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    #3
    stevejazzx
    Registered Users Posts: 3,247 ✭✭✭stevejazzx


    Blush_01 wrote:
    Personally, I think that the rhyme is too deliberate, tries just a little too hard. I know the rhyming scheme is supposed to be deliberate, the fact that it's constructed of rhyming couplets didn't escape me, but the rhyming pattern isn't smooth enough yet. Spit and polish it a bit, maybe?

    cheers for that
    I can see that but 'yarn' and 'worn' and 'words' and 'infurled' certainly aren't deliberate rhymes, are they? The rest of the lines are straight rhymes but that's just the way they worked out by which I mean had an idea in mind and they fiited.

    Re: the rhyming pattern is not smooth
    I take that point, but the tone of the poem is a kind of offbeat description of a persons charming physical features and I didn't feel the need for eveness.

    See my poem 'Between Us' which has an even musical quality in the rhyme.


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