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Poem - sweet release. Feedback please!

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  • 02-12-2005 3:34pm
    #1
    4Trouble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭


    I'd like some honest criticism here - but if you're going to break my heart please do so with a conscience. Thanks x


    Sweet Release

    I let myself get the better of me
    Frustration devouring me wild and free
    Lost control and I lost the fight
    My brain shut down, my eyes shut tight

    As I struggled to stay calm I lost the head
    I fired an ornament at you instead
    That smashed the mirror, I picked up a piece
    What was to come was the sweet release

    I plunged my reflection deep into my wrist
    I stopped for a moment and tried to resist
    The emotions building up in me
    But my anxiety was diminished by the bleed

    I stuck it in further, felt it drag through my skin
    And felt myself bleed deep down within
    A wave of calm washed over me
    And after that came the sweet release

    The highs, the lows, they blended to one
    The knots in my stomach became undone
    At first it caused my soul to bleed
    But then it became my sweet release

    To live I had to look deep inside
    In order to learn and then to find
    A way to let my light shine through
    A way to stop me from being so cruel
    To myself


Comments

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    #2
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    Finally some new fresh talent,
    so glad to read your poem.
    I think its great...definitley feel the pain behind the words.
    Hope to see more of your work ;)


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    #3
    Archeron
    Registered Users Posts: 6,218 ✭✭✭Archeron


    4Trouble wrote:
    I'd like some honest criticism here - but if you're going to break my heart please do so with a conscience. Thanks x

    Very emoional, very well written. Well done.


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    #4
    4Trouble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭4Trouble


    Thank you Turquoise dream, and you will see more of my work in here. I've been writing since I was about 13, I'm nearly 28 and I'm only getting the guts to show other people now. It's nice that this is kind of anonymous and nobody knows me!


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    #5
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    looking forward to it, and thanks for sharing!


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    #6
    ctrl-alt-delete
    Registered Users Posts: 13,976 ✭✭✭✭ctrl-alt-delete


    4Trouble wrote:

    As I struggled to stay calm I lost the head
    I fired an ornament at you instead
    That smashed the mirror, I picked up a piece
    What was to come was the sweet release

    brilliant poem well done, hope the replies you are getting give you the confidence to post up some more,

    i really love the above bit...that is if ive taken the right meaning from it :D


    ive seen others try to write pieces like the above - but none have come across as emotional and completeb as that - well done


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    #7
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    FAntstic, I love verse three to five, really emotional and completely full of the feelings behind it. Well done keep it coming!


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    #8
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    I LOVE IT!!!! It really shows so much emotion....god, keep it up!!!


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    #9
    4Trouble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭4Trouble


    thanks a million everyone for replying. Your comments have really encouraged me not to be so afraid of letting people read what I write. Ctrl-Alt-Del: I think you are taking the right meaning. It's such a taboo subject; people who go through it are often afraid others will think of them as freaks, I know that's how I felt. Thank God I've been able to move past that part of my life now, and the incident that inspired that poem is nearly three years ago now but it took me two years to write anything about it because it still felt so raw.


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