A poem - Feedback greatly appreciated

theboytaylor

Ignore that day.
Just stay,here
with me and the sheets.

Beneath these covers
We, could
count sand and stars,
draw maps and,
find ourselves.

muesli_offire

I would actually enjoy this poem without some of the commas.

Archeron

nice.

stevejazzx

muesli_offire wrote:

I would actually enjoy this poem without some of the commas.

yeah, a, grand, poem, so, it, is,

stevejazzx

actually think its really good - ' count sand and stars and find ourselves....-
beautiful -

Gross Halfwit

Nice work but as it was said already it has too many commas. Nice imagery and it hints at a much deeper meaning than anyone could decipher...i like in jokes in poems.

theboytaylor

Cheers for the feedback guys,
yeah I wasn't too sure about the commas myself, first try at this sort of thing so might get it better next time.

Thanks

Oakburner

nice one sean although when ya told me bout it i expected a bit more of an epic. v nice tho. beautiful even.

lilmissprincess

I like it, even with the commas. Keep it up.

lu22

i love this, its even better than the last one which was excellent, this is beautful, it really is

kingofvillan

I love the way people think just because you write a poem that doesnt really make any sense that it must be good and deep. Differenvve between this and like good poems is that good writers know what the deeper meaning is supposed to be.
Somebody said they liked the imagery, but there was no imagery.
A simply awful poem, sorry..........in fact im not sorry, you should be saying sorry to me!

Le Rack

Very pretty, punctuation is a little of, too many pauses me thinks. Nice imagery.

Blush_01

kingofvillan wrote:

I love the way people think just because you write a poem that doesnt really make any sense that it must be good and deep. Differenvve between this and like good poems is that good writers know what the deeper meaning is supposed to be.
Somebody said they liked the imagery, but there was no imagery.
A simply awful poem, sorry..........in fact im not sorry, you should be saying sorry to me!

Don't be utterly dim, it's rather wonderful.

hullaballoo

It's not that there are too many commas, it's that they're nearly all in the wrong place. The general sense of the poem is very good, but the punctuation is appalling.

Go and learn how to use punctuation and sentence structure, and you're on to a good thing. Otherwise, call it a day.

hullaballoo

And I wouldn't take the advice of someone who spells 'villain' 'villan'.

Nor from someone who fails to see where the poem is coming from. Who says the hidden message has to be a cryptic one?

Zillah

hullaballoo wrote:

Who says the hidden message has to be a cryptic one?

Well, that sentence itself... Don't get me wrong, I don't for a second agree with mister Villan here, but surely "hidden" and "cryptic" mean the same thing, especially in regards to a poem?

(Looking over it, you could simply cut out ALL the commas and it'd be perfectly fine.)

kingofvillan

First of all i spell villan like that because thats the way its spelled as the nickname for Aston Villa, the team i support! Secondly the poem i dont fail to see the hidden message, there is none! Theres nothing to be gained from reading this poem, its pretencious crap. Really think about why poems like this are a dime a dozen, and why other poetry is actually celebrated and studied!

hullaballoo

Zillah wrote:

Well, that sentence itself... Don't get me wrong, I don't for a second agree with mister Villan here, but surely "hidden" and "cryptic" mean the same thing, especially in regards to a poem?

(Looking over it, you could simply cut out ALL the commas and it'd be perfectly fine.)

Well, I don't agree, but that's a matter of conjecture and there's no point in debating that.

Apologies Mr Villan, I was just joking but looking back over my post, I can see that it might have come across as an affront.

Anyway, I liked the poem.

JesusWlksDisWay

Yep i liked it too, good work!

Iofur

theboytaylor wrote:

Ignore that day.
Just stay,here
with me and the sheets.

Beneath these covers
We, could
count sand and stars,
draw maps and,
find ourselves.

I agree with most people, mate, re-work those awful commas, and you are more than likely on to something. If you are going to re-write/work, the poem then I suggest just looking over what exactly it is you are trying to say. What you have here are bones, good, nice, lovely and shiney bones but thats all they are. You need to flesh it out. God I just used the worse imagery ever to get my point across....I will leave now

*walks out the door, and turns the light off