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Sad love

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  • 30-11-2005 10:30pm
    #1
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭


    I drew a heart in the sand for you
    A heart you'll never see.
    I etched our names into a tree for you
    But those you'll never see.
    The wind seems to call your anme
    Whenever I walk by
    And the rain falls in front of me
    To remind me of you.
    I know what they told us
    What we believe is what we believe
    And I believe in you.
    You said you'd be there
    I'm sure you will.
    You said you'd listen
    I'm sure you will.
    But you're not here today.
    You won't be here tomorrow
    Or the next day.
    And I miss you.
    But you care for me always.
    I believe you.


Comments

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    #2
    DoctorEdgeWild
    Registered Users Posts: 5,923 ✭✭✭DoctorEdgeWild


    I like it! Very nice flow to it. I particularly like the first four lines, I think they are just awesome.


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    #3
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    Wehay..thanks for that. It made me happy, that...


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    #4
    theboytaylor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 129 ✭✭theboytaylor


    Yeah real nice, as said above: the first four lines are beautiful!

    Thanks


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    #5
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    That's pretty, the start is the best but line 8 worked better for me as "the memory of you" but it's your work so meh... well done.


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    #6
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    Yeah, thanks a lot, looking back that would fit too...nah, i'll leave it.


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    #7
    MsMolko
    Closed Accounts Posts: 49 ✭MsMolko


    That was very cute, really lovely flow, like the others said. Floats my boat :]


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    #8
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    Aw, thanks.


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    #9
    Oakburner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭Oakburner


    yeah starts out out very well heart in the sand i like it. very good overall but the heart in the sand image is great.


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    #10
    merlinsmerryman
    Registered Users Posts: 693 ✭✭✭merlinsmerryman


    Yeah, really nice lovely flow. It struck a chord with me so I really liked it.


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    #11
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    lilmissprincess wrote:
    I drew a heart in the sand for you
    A heart you'll never see.
    I etched our names into a tree for you
    But those you'll never see.
    The wind seems to call your anme
    Whenever I walk by
    And the rain falls in front of me
    To remind me of you.
    I know what they told us
    What we believe is what we believe
    And I believe in you.
    You said you'd be there
    I'm sure you will.
    You said you'd listen
    I'm sure you will.
    But you're not here today.
    You won't be here tomorrow
    Or the next day.
    And I miss you.
    But you care for me always.
    I believe you.

    I really like those first lines. From reading the poem, it almost feels like you wrote the poem around these lines, a rush you'd suppose you might call it following on from the initial good start. Seems very....forced. Lack of fluidity and general structure in the rest of the poem.

    First few lines great though. Really onto something there. My suggestion: Recycle those first few lines into something as well planned as they were.


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    #12
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    Well, thanks for that..
    Mobile Infantry, the general structure of the poem was actually built on perhaps the last 12 lines, not the first four, although they were a nice beginning to it.
    Oakburner- yeah the heart in the sand just came from what images came in my heart of telling someone how much you care for them, but like the sea washes away the image in the sand, so does life get rid of the image of first love. If you see where I'm going.


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