What to do...

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Was out in a club last week with my bestfriend, her mate and his friend. Simple story - she happens to be basically in love his friend but he doesnt know it. Iv never met this guy,so i finally get to meet him and he actually turns out to be lovely, we couldnt get on better. The thing is that while my friend went to the bathroom he told me he liked me... ****.

Now this is somebody she's liked for years, and of course there's not a chance id even consider going out with him etc. My problem is, I didnt say anything to her because i didnt want to ruin the night for her

Ive tried telling her he thinks of her as a friend - but she's still in love with him... even more now. I dont know what to do. She wouldnt consider anyone else over him.This guy isnt an ass**** or anything, he's just oblivious. I cant tell him why i wont go out with him because he doesnt know about her.

I just want to know can i help her see without telling her, because it would break her heart.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks guys

katiegordon

do ya know he doesnt like her???? maybe you could try talking to him about her???

Tiriel

I wouldn't recommend asking him about her.. keep out of it tbh. It would be more hurtful to her if she thought you had told him.. I know that's how I'd feel anyway. Not sure how to approach telling her.. or if she needs to know at all.. probably cause more hurt than anything.. as you've only met him the once and nothing is going to come of it..

bp

well he is her mates mate right? well ask the common mate what he thinks of her. telling her would be hard but you should cause if she finds out from her mate that he likes you it will be twice as hard if you knew and never told her!

Nasty_Girl

kokoro wrote:

Hi all,
Now this is somebody she's liked for years.

Surely she must know on some level that it ain't going to happen?

Are you actually interested in this guy yourself? Would you consider going out with him if she didn't like him?

If not, then maybe you should just say nothing. Maybe he'll start liking her one day, you never know.

Now if you actually want to go out with the guy then you've some rocky times ahead.
So far you sound like a decent and considerate friend, but if you want this guy then you're going to have to be honest with him or her.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys
Im not sure about asking him about her, he did say he thought of her as a friend. If I say much more he'll cop why i wont give him a straight answer, and she'll be so embarassed. Id never tell him.I do like him but its simply not an option about going out with him.

I would ask her mate but he has said in the past that his friend tends to mess girls around. Im a bit worried that her mate will tell her but i think he knows it'd hurt her so he probably wont say anything.

Either way, one of them will find out something, he wont give up until i explain which i cant without embarassing her and she still feels the same. I dont think she does realise on any level you see because he's very friendly and its easy to get mixed messages from somebody you like...

Please keep the advice coming though, im so confused!

BEAT

hmmm thats a tough one you dont want to hurt your friend but you dont want to embarrass her either.
Id say dont tell the guy your reasons but definitly tell her that he likes you so she wont continue on liking him.
I mean if she is a real friend she will know it isnt your fault, especially when you tell her you have no intentions of seeing the guy. She will understand and then change her view of him hopefully.
this way your not lying to her and in a way you are helping her...just so long as you dont tell the guy its because she liked him etc...
now, if you like the guy its a different story.
You will still have to tell her to be a loyal friend but you may have to expect her feelings to be hurt, hopefully though she will see it wasnt meant towards her and that these kind of things just happen

Either way, let her know what happened and clear the air. Its no good holding on to things like this,
good luck!

AARRRGH

Tricky!

Your friend could go weirdo on you if you tell her the guy is into you, so I'd be very wary about saying anything to her...

Next time you see the guy tell him flat out you're not interested. Don't string him along whatsoever (things like, "I'd consider it but my friend likes you..." etc etc. This is bad.) So make him know for certain to forget about you.

Or just avoid him altogether.

You've done nothing wrong.

If I were you I'd play dumb and act like it never happened. You could just be digging a deeper hole if you start some kind of dialogue with this guy...

LegacyUser

Thats some good advice TurquoiseDream Your right. Honesty is probably the best policy here. Still, she hasnt exactly got high self esteem and doesnt like that many guys. Im wondering is it going to do her more harm then good? I also dont want her to end up hating this guy either, but ive no control over that i suppose...

Sarah**

very simple keep it to your self and dont act on it!

im in the situation of ur bestfriend and my bestmate is texting the guy im mad about...nice! he is texting her back even though he is texting me saying they r just mates! it just hurts so be a good mate and protect her feelings and just distance yourself from him. Bring ur mate out with you and find a new boy for her!

LegacyUser

dublindude and Sarah** - I see where your coming from, and I sympathise with Sarah**. Its not a nice situation for anyone to be in.

If i am to not say anything, it still leaves me with a bestfriend that is still in love with the guy however.I dont intend to string him along at all, that would be unfair alright. And I was really hoping to stay friends with this guy because we get on so well. Im asking the impossible here, arent i?

BEAT

well koko,
is she really that unreasonable?
she is your best friend, you know her best.
There is no reason you cant remain friends with both of them without them knowing whats going on if thats how you want it.
All you have to doi is politley tell the guy you are not interested in him and leave it at that...all friends.

If you cant leave it like that then still tell him you only like him as a friend and tell her that he asked you out and you turned him down, she cant be mad at you for that can she? I mean your best friedns right?
I wouldnt hold it aganst my own best friend..but then it depends on the person I suppose. My friend and I are two mature adults who know what the big picture is all about

AARRRGH

kokoro wrote:

And I was really hoping to stay friends with this guy because we get on so well.

?

You've only known him one night.

...

Seriously, you don't know him at all. Everything he said and did around you most likely was just to impress you and increase his chance of ****ing you.

Are you sure you don't want to just keep him around because he has flattered you?

galwaydude

if your bestfriends with your mate then i would tell the guy that your not interested.Bfs come and go but loyal friends are for life. Is it really worth it upsetting your friendship over some fella.

dundalk cailin

i was in a situation like that, where my friend was in love with this guy... i met him the first night we all went out together, i ended up with him (i didnt know til later that she liked him that much), turns out she was really pissed off with me; she shoulda told me! but it caused some tension between us, tho now a yr and half later we cant believe we let a guy almost wreck our friendship

LegacyUser

No way id let any guy come between us, she's not unreasonable i suppose but having never been in this situation i guess i'll find out soon!

Il tell the guy im not interested, nicely anyway. I wouldnt go out with someone that she likes obviously!

Dublindude: What you say might be true but i certainly wouldnt become friends with somebody just because they flatter me - that would make me shallow...and pretty gullible!

Thanks for all the advice everyone, it really helped.
I think il tell my bestfriend.
kokoro

WhiteWashMan

kokoro wrote:

Hi all,
Was out in a club last week with my bestfriend, her mate and his friend. Simple story - she happens to be basically in love his friend but he doesnt know it. Iv never met this guy,so i finally get to meet him and he actually turns out to be lovely, we couldnt get on better. The thing is that while my friend went to the bathroom he told me he liked me... ****.

Now this is somebody she's liked for years, and of course there's not a chance id even consider going out with him etc. My problem is, I didnt say anything to her because i didnt want to ruin the night for her

Ive tried telling her he thinks of her as a friend - but she's still in love with him... even more now. I dont know what to do. She wouldnt consider anyone else over him.This guy isnt an ass**** or anything, he's just oblivious. I cant tell him why i wont go out with him because he doesnt know about her.

I just want to know can i help her see without telling her, because it would break her heart.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks guys

sorry, you had a few drinks with the bloke, he says he likes you and now you are in a tizzy becuase of what exactly?

are you planning a wedding for the two of you?

sounds like you have made up your mind that there is going to be something more, or at least, there could be something more.
and of course there could.

man + beer = sex.

so he wnted to have sex with you.

im not sure exactly what the issue is though.

but you do appear to have made up your mind that you are going to see him.

i am also unsure how she could love him even more since you all went out?

are you actually asking us ow you can be with him, but make her see that he doesnt like her first, so that you can be with him without hurting her?

dudara

I was weirdly in a similar situation years ago. I kissed the guy but when I found out what my friend felt, I left him alone, despite the fact that he asked me out for drinks and so on.

However, I lost touch with this girl anyway, and I've since been going out with this guy for over 6 years.

It's weird how things work out, they tend to sort themselves out. Just be honest to the people that matter.

Sarn

kokoro wrote:

Now this is somebody she's liked for years

So when is she going to make a move? I take it she's waiting for the right time....

Yes, you should consider your friends feelings and restrain yourself from grabbing him since you've just met him, but what if the months/years slip by and you really get to like the guy? People laying claim to individuals from afar gets to be ridiculous after a while if they don't act on it.

I reckon you'll get into trouble with her regardless of what you do (to different degrees obviously). At least telling her will let her know you're considerate of her feelings and maybe she might consider making a move herself or moving on.

dundalk cailin

dudara wrote:

I was weirdly in a similar situation years ago. I kissed the guy but when I found out what my friend felt, I left him alone, despite the fact that he asked me out for drinks and so on.

However, I lost touch with this girl anyway, and I've since been going out with this guy for over 6 years.

It's weird how things work out, they tend to sort themselves out. Just be honest to the people that matter.

that is pretty unusual that it works out that way..

Kell

Simple-

If it were me, I'd leave the dude the hell alone. It will adversely affect your relationship with your mate- for how long?... who knows.

Or decide that you know that your friend is "in love" with this dude and you wish to trample on your mates feelings.

Simple decision. No need for panic.

K-