how far is too far?

LegacyUser

in light of another post that i read about violent partners just wondering how far is too far. on nights out with my other half if we have an argument he gets all worked up as do i,i guess. but i have a different way which is prob not good either but i shut dont completely because i find it usless talking or reasoning with him when he gets angry. when he does get angry at me he used punch walls bang his head etc as an attempt to get me to snap out of my silent mode.which i guess works to a point. now though its turned to pulling my hair (not hard) and bullying me pushing me around and grabbing me which hurts but not enough to bruise.
when we both have calmed down and talked it out he says hes sorry and is very remorseful and i believe him because he was never this kind of person when we first met.we have been going out a year and this has only started happening in the last two to three months.
i think one of the reasons we have troubles is may inhabillity of how to comunicate my feeelings towards him (due to bad personal hist with ex-boyf, depression etc) i guess there are two questions here how far is too far? and can anyone give me advice on how to cope with my predicament? i love my boyf very much and we want his to work we both know we have a problem and want to work hard at this relationship to make it work.
any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dragan

You need to slowly talk about things, but NOT when you are out and NOT after an argument because this just makes it harder.

You need to sit on your couch after dinner and talk about things. Nothing major at first, just something that makes you a little uncomfortable, like the first coversation can be about how you know your boyfriend gets frustrated, and you are trying to open up, you thank him for being understand BUT HE NEEDS TO STAY THAT WAY.

It sounds to me like his frustration is getting the better of him and he needs to chill and realise that you are doing what you can, but he will only know this when you begin to talk to him! Yeah i know, a vicious cycle.

I went out with a girl for about 2 and a half years and it was a very difficult thing to have her open up, not because what happened to her was terrible, just because it was very big to her. Remember, as big and as bad as all the things that haunt you may seem to be, your not alone, they are not so huge as to make sure you can't deal with them, and it does sound like your boyfriend wants to help.

But he needs to understand that you never, EVER lay a hand on a lady in anger.

meepmeep

Leave him. He's already gone too far.

He's even got you believing its your fault for giving him the silent treatment??

They always say they're sorry - it doesn't stop them doing it again. Get out before it gets worse.


Edit: Banging his head to "snap you out" of the silent treatment? He's either completely off his head or he has the mental capacity of a 2 year old.

annR

I don't think this situation will get any better, it will probably get worse.

You're asking 'how far is too far'? I ask, why is it happening at all?

Why do you both get so worked up and angry? Do you drink a lot when you go out and do you think this makes things worse?

>>i think one of the reasons we have troubles is may inhabillity of how to comunicate my feeelings towards him<<

What do you mean, and how is it causing trouble.

vorbis

simple thing is you need to talk more. Are the arguments about the same things each time? Maybe ye could try to discuss the issues while sober. Drink has a habit of bringing everything to the boil.

Regards your bf, he sounds like he has fairly serious anger issues. He sounds like the type who tries to win an argument through sheer aggression. Unless you make it clear that such antics are unacceptable it'll only get worse. He's effectively bullying you.

Maccattack

You need to exit that relationship as fast as you can. He wont change. Saying sorry doesnt change the fact that it happened. Maybe saying sorry works the first time. But if it happens again then he wasnt really sorry was he.

Get out while you still can.

Alternatively, stay in the relationship, have kids and watch him bully them into depression and failed lives.

WhiteWashMan

mrs x wrote:

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

what do you think you should do?

g'em

he's already shown that his behaviour is progressively getting worse. he's violent and aggressive, that's far enough. what's next? a gentle slap in the gob? a shove to the ground? a broken bone? he's already crossed over the line and maybe i'm wrong, but it seems like you can't talk to him about his behaviour because he keeps convincing you theres nothing wrong with it. No-one in a relationshp should have to put up with violence, male or female.

DawnMc

"now though its turned to pulling my hair (not hard) and bullying me pushing me around and grabbing me which hurts but not enough to bruise"

That is too far. The fact that you have concerns about it is also too far. Domestic violence takes many forms. Please talk with him and name his behaviour

D

Him pulling your hair is crossing the line and pushing you around is well past it.

landser

he's a potential wife beater, and you sound passive aggressive. leave each other

Endurance Man

Sigh, you no what you should do.

Lex Luthor

the fact that you are even asking means he has gone too far in your books....

is the big bell not ringing in your head?????????

Get out before he knocks you out....plenty other fish in the sea

tj-music.com

Domestic violence is a big issue in many communities and still an issue people don't really want to talk about.

If somebody beats you than he crossed the line. Once is enough - that is one too many.

Having said that, underneath it all often is a lot of love and that makes it difficult to escape even though the best thing to do is to leave him.

Best of luck

the_syco

mrs x wrote:

now though its turned to pulling my hair (not hard) and bullying me pushing me around and grabbing me which hurts but not enough to bruise.

Hmmm... sounds to be like he's trying to blame you for any harm he causes you. In turn, you think its somehow your fault. Not so. If the only way he can get you to talk is by hitting you, then its as much his fault.


Oh, and whats with the "silent treatment", anyhoo's? What do you expect to get out of him by saying nothing? I don't condone what he's doing, but if both of you continue to converse, does he still do this, or is it only when you stop talking? (I'm confused on the entire "silent treatment" thing).

ferdi

get out of there honey

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and my ex started hitting me one night. I walked and haven't seen her since.

Do NOT go back to him - I beleive it can only get worse.

There's 6 billion people on this planet - why bother with someone with issues like that, who thinks that assault is ok? You said you had previous issues with an ex yourself. This is a pattern you can break.

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and whats with the "silent treatment", anyhoo's? What do you expect to get out of him by saying nothing? I don't condone what he's doing, but if both of you continue to converse, does he still do this, or is it only when you stop talking? (I'm confused on the entire "silent treatment" thing).

no it doesn still happen when we keep talking. he is a very reasonable guy and this doesnt happen frequently or anything just the odd time (not trying to convince myself its right or anything i know its not the way to deal with a prob).

i do love him (sigh the old cliche i know) and i know he loves me. in ans to the Q bout alcohol yes we do drink but only very little we not exaactly pissed or anything.

its out of pure frustration that he grabs me, that i wont listen. i agree that opening up and talking would be a very good idea and prob help a lot with this whole situation but i just cant seem to do it. its as if what my brain is thinking the words wont come out of my mouth just like i guess a form of mental block.

it prob sounds like im being stupid but it is only a few slip ups otherwise we are perfectly happy.just want us back the way we were.

also forgot to mention have been know to hit him back a few times too. sorry its prob a very vital part of info.

jellie

any violence at all is too far.

you've said yourself that hes getting worse. do you really think it wont continue this way?

if a friend came to you with this problem, what would you say to them? probably what everyone here as said: to leave before it gets worse

edanto

You seem determined to make things work with him. Which is noble, some might say short sighted. But hey, I'm an optimist, it might work for you. But you need to urgently sort out the violence.

"its out of pure frustration that he grabs me, that i wont listen"

It's not relevant what the violence comes from - it's not acceptable. If you won't listen to him or whatever, (his words or yours?) then there's a problem in communication and that needs to be addressed. Listening, talking or writing, whatever works - not hitting stuff or grabbing you.

Which scares you more; being physically hurt by him, being single again or confronting the issues with a counsellor? I'm not asking you to answer that, but just looking at the question might help you compare the options you have.

His agression is getting worse - you're at a crisis point. I hope you can decide what to do.

Maccattack

Well Mrs x. Loads of people have given you the right advice. Its up to you to take it or ignore it.

Best of luck to you and your future children. Where will they draw their emotional strength from?

LegacyUser

edanto wrote:

You seem determined to make things work with him. Which is noble, some might say short sighted. But hey, I'm an optimist, it might work for you. But you need to urgently sort out the violence.

"its out of pure frustration that he grabs me, that i wont listen"

It's not relevant what the violence comes from - it's not acceptable. If you won't listen to him or whatever, (his words or yours?) then there's a problem in communication and that needs to be addressed. Listening, talking or writing, whatever works - not hitting stuff or grabbing you.

Which scares you more; being physically hurt by him, being single again or confronting the issues with a counsellor? I'm not asking you to answer that, but just looking at the question might help you compare the options you have.

His agression is getting worse - you're at a crisis point. I hope you can decide what to do.

God girl wake up you know in your heart that what is going on is wrong.ye both have crossed the line and sorry just doesnt cut it anymore. wot next?ar u going to wait until he pushes you down the stairs and then says"sorry".like that makes everything better.you say"how far is too far?".this is too far>and you know it

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice everyone. ill take it all on board anyway and try get my head round it. for the poster who asked was i afraid of being single, the ans is no not really i just know ill miss the realtionship but then again ill prob only be fixated on the good things. dam rose tinted glasses. wish i could loose them.

Nevyn

Ok it maybe possible to salvage this situation but He has to want it and work for it and know what he is not treating you well.

Anger mangement and couple couselling would be the place to start.

But if he is not willing to change thing then you should get out of that relationship. Anyone who treats you like that does not respect you.

WhiteWashMan

mrs.x wrote:

no it doesn still happen when we keep talking. he is a very reasonable guy and this doesnt happen frequently or anything just the odd time (not trying to convince myself its right or anything i know its not the way to deal with a prob).

i do love him (sigh the old cliche i know) and i know he loves me. in ans to the Q bout alcohol yes we do drink but only very little we not exaactly pissed or anything.

its out of pure frustration that he grabs me, that i wont listen. i agree that opening up and talking would be a very good idea and prob help a lot with this whole situation but i just cant seem to do it. its as if what my brain is thinking the words wont come out of my mouth just like i guess a form of mental block.

it prob sounds like im being stupid but it is only a few slip ups otherwise we are perfectly happy.just want us back the way we were.

also forgot to mention have been know to hit him back a few times too. sorry its prob a very vital part of info.

so you figure that its ok for this kind of behaviour, but youd prefer if it was back the way it was, like, before the hair pulling and the violent outbursts against walls?

what happens if he oversteps and then hits you?


it would appear to me that you both need to change to continue this relationship.
but really, if so much is needed, why bother going through all of that heartache ehn you actually dont really know if either of you can do it.

people dont change all that much. you can try harder, but you cant just change yourself all that much.
in the meantime you are still living with the threat of violence, and thats not an option in my eyes.


what exactly is keeping you there?
the idea that he is wonderful and you could be happy together or are you too afraid that if you break up you will be on your own?

BoozyBabe

How can someone who hits a person (so while hitting etc must obviously think it's an acceptable thing to do) suddenly learn that no it's not & I must not do it again.

I don't think they can.

I mean, sure, us women can be complete head-wreckers some times (as can men), sometimes we can drive our men demented, but most men, regardless of how angry we made them, would never hit us.
Then in the same situation, there are those men who would!
If anger leads to them doing it once, it will lead them to do it again another time a bad situation arises.

Do what you like, but don't expect him to change.

LegacyUser

imo i think it can be salvaged if the two people love each other enough (fighting aside) i know that he is will ing to change and im in the process of organising a counselor to deal with my own issues i think ill raise the point that maybe he should do the same. we are at totall opposites of the spectrum in some things but for others we are not if you can understand that?

LegacyUser

he has never hit me id just like to point out that.

chump

I often smack my lady lightly on the bottom if she misbehaves.

savoyard

mrs x wrote:

imo i think it can be salvaged if the two people love each other enough (fighting aside) i know that he is will ing to change and im in the process of organising a counselor to deal with my own issues i think ill raise the point that maybe he should do the same. we are at totall opposites of the spectrum in some things but for others we are not if you can understand that?

Sorry, do not believe counselling will work. X, you need to get out now - you're in a destructive relationship and these things tend to get worse than better. I've never heard anyone say "my partner was violent towards me on more than one occasion but we went to counselling and it's all hunky dory now".

X - his behaviour is following a classic pattern. Starts out with hitting the wall, moves onto pushing and shoving and just gets worse. He will hit you if you stay with him. And do you like being violent towards someone you say you love? You're bad for each other, split up. What age are you? How long have you been together? Is it really worth taking such a big risk for?

bungeecork

Danger! Danger Will Robinson!!

Silence is bad - shouting is better. After several days of silence between me and my partner, I was the one that snapped. I threw/poured a large saucepan of icy cold water on him while he was in bed. I went back to my computer and carried on with my silent treatment while he got up, dried himself off, got dressed, put on his coat, picked up his car keys, gently poured a litre of full fat milk onto my keyboard, and left.

The next day we had a blast as we cleaned up together. In 8 years that was the only "War of the Roses" moment between us, but it's a moment we giggle at now.

Can you look back on your arguments together and have a giggle?

WhiteWashMan

mrs x wrote:

imo i think it can be salvaged if the two people love each other enough ?

ive been there and i dont agree.
sometimes, no matter how much you love each other, sometimes you are just wrong for each other.

LegacyUser

thing thing is WWM that i do think that we are right for each other. if i didnt think so then i wouldnt stay. we can giggle about some arguments because they are just so so stupid and most are stopped straight away but its only been that last few that have gotten out of hand, on both our parts. we have been trying really hard to get it on track and to stop fighting so much about stupid things. i totally agree that silence doesnt work at all and is totally frustrating. we have one more intervention that we are going to try and if it doesnt work we are going to all it a day.
new rules are to drink less or at all for the time being,maybe 1 or 2. we didnt drink much at all when out but it does bring out the worst in ppl.
the other is to write a note to ourselves and keep it in our wallets to remind us who we are and what we are doing to the other person. it may or not may work. he has read the post and got a shock when he saw what ppl wrote about him. and worse when he agreed with you.

~Leanne~

Leave him! I left my last bf of 5 years for this behaviour, i was sick of having to choose my words around him incase i would offend or hit a nerve! Took me a lot of courage to leave but i did.

Maccattack

mrs x wrote:

imo i think it can be salvaged if the two people love each other enough

There is love and there is love.

Healthy love is infinitely different to unhealthy love.

Guess which one yours is.

all of the good things you see in your current relationship can and will be had with someone else.

You are not right for each other. its just a case of a few things fitting. the bad out weighs the good my a very large margin.

you are kidding yourself.

Go find someone who cherishes you enough to never think of laying a hand on you in anger.

or not... of course its your choice.