How to Poo at Work

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How to Poo at Work

Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate
pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do
this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and check for other pooers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer
of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire
, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in
peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.

:v:

Gordon

If you ever need to poo in town while walking around - find the most expensive hotel and find their lobby toilets, they make for great poo stops.

Danecookie

Rofl...

Shrimp

too much time.... on their hands..

Rb

Lol, this was posted before, it's great

funk-you

when i used to work for 3com one of the lads sent that around but didn't realise he sent it to EVERY email address in the company. He was lucky to be able to poo at work from then on.

NoDayBut2Day

Shrimp wrote:

too much time.... on their hands..

yeah... who writes stuff like this.. haha :v:

Khannie

ROFL@turd burglar

AdMMM

. My prayers have been answered!

Dave!

lmao, read that before, ages ago

rugbug86

have to go with the safe havens myself!

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

A pooing incident was partly the reason why I left a former employment.

Was in the toilet cubicle reading a magazine and someone went into the stall next to me and started the loudest most gassy poo of all time. Tried so hard not to laugh, but eventually broke down on the floor pissing myself. Everytime this person let out another farty poo I broke down in paroxisms of laughter even further. Couldn't even leave the booth i was laughing so much. Not even giggles, but gales of laughter. And it was very obvious that i was laughing at the person.

Thought that the best thing would be to stay in the toilet for an extra bit, to give that person time to leave and for other people to enter so as to cause confusion as to who was laughing.

About twenty minutes later and not a single person had come into the toilet, so i had to leave without cover.

Was walking down the office and didn't think i was getting any suspicious looks until the overall boss of the company passes me by and under his breathe goes 'ha, ha, ha'.

That was it; could never face him in the eye again. ended up leaving a month later.

Be careful people!

TerrorFirmer

Roundtower2 wrote:

A pooing incident was partly the reason why I left a former employment.

Was in the toilet cubicle reading a magazine and someone went into the stall next to me and started the loudest most gassy poo of all time. Tried so hard not to laugh, but eventually broke down on the floor pissing myself. Everytime this person let out another farty poo I broke down in paroxisms of laughter even further. Couldn't even leave the booth i was laughing so much. Not even giggles, but gales of laughter. And it was very obvious that i was laughing at the person.

Thought that the best thing would be to stay in the toilet for an extra bit, to give that person time to leave and for other people to enter so as to cause confusion as to who was laughing.

About twenty minutes later and not a single person had come into the toilet, so i had to leave without cover.

Was walking down the office and didn't think i was getting any suspicious looks until the overall boss of the company passes me by and under his breathe goes 'ha, ha, ha'.

That was it; could never face him in the eye again. ended up leaving a month later.

Be careful people!

Lmfao......thats a great story. I never do this foul deed at work. Ever. Just doesn't feel right...

DonkeyStyle \o/

LOL Roundtower, that had me in stiches
If I'd been outside his cubicle on the day, hearing the guy in the cubicle beside him lauging at his farts... oh, I'd have been rofling.


Actually that list left out the all important technique of finding an abandoned closet somewhere and pooing into a sandwich-bag... then making a covert drop-off at the gents for a quick wipe-up.... in and out in 30 seconds... like a ninja. (I have never done this)

Steve_o

lol good stuff....its all so simple now:D

penguinbloke

DonkeyStyle \o/ wrote:

Actually that list left out the all important technique of finding an abandoned closet somewhere and pooing into a sandwich-bag... then making a covert drop-off at the gents for a quick wipe-up.... in and out in 30 seconds... like a ninja. (I have never done this)

I'm getting images of the ninja thread in closets now cheers.

And sure you haven't...

abercrombie

DonkeyStyle \o/ wrote:

Actually that list left out the all important technique of finding an abandoned closet somewhere and pooing into a sandwich-bag... then making a covert drop-off at the gents for a quick wipe-up.... in and out in 30 seconds... like a ninja. (I have never done this)

that's disgusting!!!

mad m

Imagine when I was serving my time,a site I was on hadnt got a loo, I had to walk up to Connolly train station to do a crap.Some of the lads didnt bother and crapped in a grocery bag and hence the name "Slinger" was born.They used to tie it up afterwards and sling that bag as far as possible from site.

Thank god for H&S this days.