funnies

rugbug86

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
post
through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his
way
with a gift cheque for EUR 50.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold
box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb
blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage,
beans
and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she
was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the
cup's
bottom edge.

"All this was just! too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the
fiver
for?

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you.

I asked him what to give you.

He said, "F**k him.... Give him a fiver."

"The breakfast was my idea."

******************************************************************************

Kids - gotta love them!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What
sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_______________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!
_______________________________________
TEACHER:Glenn, how do you spell
"crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it s
>wrong, but you asked me how I
spell it!
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

(I think we should try that in our lab reports!)
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______________________________________
TEACHER:
Goss, why
do you! always get
so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
are!_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
"I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
__________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
_______________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know
why

>his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

_______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is
>exactly the same as your
brother's. Did
>you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>_______________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


******************************************************************************
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a
> > >small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient
> >
> >Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you
> >
> > >put me up for the night?"
> > >"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
> > >much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the
three
> > >worst Chinese tortures known to man."
> > >
> > >"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
> > >well, and entered the house.
> > >
> > >Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
> > >young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously
> > >attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him
> > >during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her
and
> > >went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no
longer,
> > >and sneaked
>into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to
> > >keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he
crept
> > >back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
> > >
> > >He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
> > >large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture
> > >1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.
"If
> > >that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry
> > >about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw
> > >the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that
read:
> > >"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he
glanced
> > >down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
> > >Figuring that a few broken bones was
>better than castration, he jumped
> > >out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw
a
> > >large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right
testicle
> > >tied to bedpost."

******************************************************************************

and if anyone can believe the attached........!

qz

Liking the one with the Chinese guy

So Glad

Last one about chinese tourture was hilarious!

HybridTech

Chinese torture is class!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Now why didn't I become a postman?)

TerrorFirmer

Chinese one is class

de5p0i1er

LOL. Love the one about the kids.

Hagar

Good stuff. Try to tidy them up before you post.
If they are hard to read it spoils it a bit.


Q: What do they call Postman Pat down at the Labour Exchange?
A: Pat.

UnrealQueen

Love the children's ones. They're funny:D