Eyes Half Closed.

Blush_01

This is only the second piece I've ever posted here... The ending is weak because it's temporary. I'd really appreciate feedback.




My eyes were half closed, caked with a grit of sleep and dirt. I let them flicker over the drying bubble-scum of coffee and foamy milk clinging hopelessly to the inner top inch of my mug. She asked me if I wanted anything else in broke English. I asked for a Lemon Zinger. She was Polish, blonde haired, pretty. Her name badge said she was called Ana. For all I knew it could have been someone elses. She smiled her lack of understanding delicately. I apologised and asked for another coffee, gesturing to the coffee cup, showing her my receipt. After a long three minutes she returned with a fresh coffee. She carried it on a tray with an almond croissant that had been warmed. I could smell the melting nuttiness of it and suddenly craved one of my own. Instead I just handed her enough change for the coffee and a mean-feeling tip. She nodded her appreciation, smiled widely - almost hiding her eyes with her cheeks - and moved on. For some reason the realisation of my solitude weighed like a torture. Too late, I whispered a bland 'thanks a million' and tilted the cup at my lips.

Over the hum of conversation and the quiet banging of the kitchen staff, Ani de Franco sang about writing graffiti on someone's body. I smiled at the thought of the government trying to pin an Anti-Social Behaviour Order on her for it. On the other side of the glass wall, downpour fell in solid sheets. Pedestrians tried to dodge bullets of rain and failed miserably. Others huddled, some impatient, some in an all-consuming daze of weariness, in the doorway of the shopping complex across the square. A sleepy forefinger pushed my sloping fringe out of my eyes. I looked at the note in my wallet, wondering if I could justify breaking it in order to get a pastry, knowing that I couldn’t and damning the situation for it’s inevitability. It’s mundane futility stung.

In my head I kept confusing your lies with the truth, my truth with yours, my lies with your subtle elusion… Your sleeping face was still burned into my retina. My eyes travelled from the face of my watch to the clock on the wall and back again. I swallowed hard to avoid crying in the café and rose shakily to my feet. Outside, the rain plastered my face in layer after layer of chilled tears, mingling with my fresh warm ones, making me swallow hard and bite my nails. No work today, or tomorrow. Two whole, empty, frozen days of nothingness. I waded through the melodrama inside my own head, unable to shake your face or the heavy loneliness that simply would not go, no matter how hard I cried.

A passing mother, juggling a stroller and an umbrella, rolled over my flip-flopped foot, breaking my nail. Almost involuntarily I fell sideways and just lay there. I waited for someone to care, eyes bunched and body curled a little, angst-ridden, like a wrist-slitting teenager. A hand on my shoulder made me look upwards, open my eyes slowly. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted attention, I wanted everything, nothing, anything… you. But all I had was a head full of sh!t that I couldn’t wrap myself around. I wanted to smother myself in fury, to just scream and scream as some guy I had never met helped me to my feet, lifted me onto a rubbish bin and looked at my toe. He laughed it off, telling me I’d survive, but that I should probably get it looked at by a professional. I cried so hard I nearly fell off my bin, as his eyes melted over me, making me feel even worse.

We’re kind of friends now. Not too close though. But getting there. Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t even know you. But I had to tell someone. You keep thinking, hoping it gets better, but it stays the same. It never changes. I guess that’s why I keep my eyes half closed.

edibility

I really really like that. It's a little bit heavy at points on description, but it has a really nice real feel to it.. Good work!

ctrl-alt-delete

i thought that was an excellent piece of work, i dont normally manage to read fully through the short story things that are posted on here, but did this one - beleive me thats a big compliment!

keep it up, agree with you about the ending, but its well worth putting a non-temporary ending to it.

well done

gracehopper

nice story, very descrptive, very gritty, thanks

Oakburner

hey nice story...good description and i dont think you went overboard either..its sometimes nice to have every little detail explained and you did it well..keep up the good work

Pen0s

that was a brilliant extremly descriptive piece. it couldnt have been written any other way so as far as constructive criticism goes i dont have any! i enjoyed the whole coffee shop part the most it was brilliantly written. Keep up the good work!

4Trouble

I thought that was an excellent piece! So descriptive, and my own opinion is that it wasn't over descriptive, I really really enjoyed reading it. The ending does need a bit of reworking though so it would be well worth your while to keep working on it. I hope when you read over it yourself, you feel a massive amount of pride