Long Distance- Help me...can this work?

Sarah**

hi guys!

Bit of a long one but could really do with male and female advice?

My name is Sarah, basically when i was doing my leaving earlier in the year i met a guy in barcode....fell for him bigtime. We were texting on and off and meeting up here and there. Then it kind of fizzled out. Then after my leaving we started texting again but he announced he was moving down the country due to his apprenticeship....And as the saying goes ''absence makes the heart grow fonder'' that it did!

Before he left i asked my dad to help me try and keep him here and we arranged interviews with ppl in his trade but he said he had already accepted this job and it would help him in his independence and he needed to move out.

Then i had my debs to think of so a month to the debs i asked him and he said he would be delighted to come. so in the running up to the debs we would talk every sunday nite for hours and then text during the week. He would say how he missed me and that it was hard for him down there.

He came up to my debs and we hada fab nite but everyone asked me were we 'together' i could only answer no.... when i asked him about why we werent it was always that he just wasnt into relationships as he see's how his mates girl friends are whipped and never allowed to see their mates.

So since the debs we talk all the time and he rings after pints to tell em he misses me and asks will iloose interest when he moves back....When i bring it up the next day he says he remembers everything he says and how he means it all!

Whati just dont get is why arn't we 'together'?
I have been mad about him for 8 months now and even when on nights out i dont find myself wanting other fellas but him. when he come up here some weekends we do see eachother. i was out with him two weekends ago and i was talkin to his mate john and john thinks the reason he wont get with me is because he thinks its unfair asking me to wait!! when im obviously wiling anyway!

Do i hold on.....or do i just move on? Some ppl say i have as good as a relationship but he was up last weekend and i was supposed to see him but havent heard from him since last thursday.....move on???

WhiteWashMan

to be honest, no.

youre both young, si you will both change. you will find yourself with less in common sooner rather than later.

you actually have had very little time together. you are living off infatuation rather than love, or even like at the moment

distance is hard enough for people who know each other and have been together a long time.

why would you tie yourself down when you could be out having fun. can both of you deal with this.....

you will both meet other people.


but, if its what you want to do then do it.

Sarah**

i dunno....ya see we rushed into things really. whenever we see eachother we stay in eachothers houses. he says all these things to my mates when we r out how he is mad about me and his mates tell em he is mad about me too but recently it just doesnt seem like it. i know this sounds stupid but every thursday he rings me and im dreading tonight incase he doesnt ring.....

He is always impressing the importance of his mates on me and how that he will put them first before girls. so when he bestmates granny died two weeks ago and before he found otu we had planned a weekend together i said well ya know your mates come first so i understand us not seeing eachother its cool then when i was in barcode that sat he rang and was like im here with my mates where r ya......i dunno very muddled to say the least.

WhiteWashMan

Sarah** wrote:

i dunno....ya see we rushed into things really. whenever we see eachother we stay in eachothers houses. he says all these things to my mates when we r out how he is mad about me and his mates tell em he is mad about me too .

well, personally, id be of the opinion that every relationship *would be nice* to be like this, so i dont really count it as a big plus

Sarah** wrote:

but recently it just doesnt seem like it. i know this sounds stupid but every thursday he rings me and im dreading tonight incase he doesnt ring......

and thats ok. youre allowed to feel down about things. it doesnt make you hormonal, clingy, needy or anything else. we all get these feelings.
maybe he is just distant to you, and you are picking up on it. very rarely do people feel like this without some reason.

now what the reason is, who knows?

Sarah** wrote:

He is always impressing the importance of his mates on me and how that he will put them first before girls. .

classic case of a bloke who is trying to tell his girlfriend that he still feels nervous about being dependent on her.
he is still in 'player' mode. or, at least he doesnt want to be tied down too much. at least, that is how i translate things like that.

Sarah** wrote:

so when he bestmates granny died two weeks ago and before he found otu we had planned a weekend together i said well ya know your mates come first so i understand us not seeing eachother its cool then when i was in barcode that sat he rang and was like im here with my mates where r ya......i dunno very muddled to say the least.

miscommunication.

really, its up to you.
do you want to continue worrying about a long term relationship where you are not the centre of his life?
because you are just wasting the time of both of you.

thats just how i see it.

elexes

id say the odds on this relationship working out are slim but it would hurt u more if u didnt at liest give it a go . your young try things out .

thats just my thoughts

me of 3+ year relationship where the gf lives about 75 miles away from myself and i didnt get a car for the first 8 months . now shes about to have my first child and if all goes according to plan she will be moving in with me after x-mass..

Sarah**

they were really good points....

its true im dwelling over this...if i dont hear from him tonite then its a weekend out for me....

but dont get me wrong i am crazy about him but maybe it is the whole i want what i cant have and if it was accessible to me then maybe i wouldnt want it as much...but i do feel strongly about him.

im a great girl with a great personality and good looks so he should b thinkin of me and wanting to talk to me all the time and shouldnt keep up this whole well im just not into relationships....

so thanks for ur advice and the ppl who PMd me thanks too.

Vangelis

Sarah, I'd say that if you're even considering a possible break-up because of the distance, then you should not be holding onto him. But that depends on what kind of feelings you have for him, if he's loyal, dependable, trustworthy, if he's your soulmate. Do keep in mind that a relationship is not only about you, he has feelings to and he may want to be with you still. This is something that you should ask him about, I think.

Good luck!

Sarah**

he is trustworthy and ALWAYS keeps his promises even when he is drunk and makes plans the next day he arrives at the time he says.....

its true though i knwo he has feelings too but i just dont knwo how to broach the subject...im also afraid of loosin him through asking him.

you see by not asking him im under the impression he does care for me but by asking then i really will know...just afraid of finding out the truth.

rainbow kirby

With my ex... we kinda rushed into things too, we met 3 weeks before he left for the states for 3 months. We tried our best to keep it going long-distance, but it just fizzled out in the end. Don't mean to be negative, but a lot of the time, long-distance doesn't work.

tbh

Hi Sarah -

My honest opinion is it won't work - but not even down to the distance thing, more just because this time next year, you'll probably be quite different to what you're like now, and in five years time you'll probably be unrecognisable. I don't mean in a bad or good way, just a different way. thats not to say it won't work out, just that it probably won't

if it helps - I'll also bet that in five years time, you won't even remember what this guys name is. thats life.

Caimin

Sarah**

yeah i am tending to agree....i mean i know that long distance never works but in the situation im in he said he will be home in march the latest......

i keep doing this...im finding my self making excuses for him or his behaviour ya know?

like if he is distant on the fone i excuse it by saying well its ok because he doesnt want to let himself care otherwise it will be even harder down there for him with no family and no friends.....

if u understand my rambling fair play!!

whacker4fun

everyone makes excuses for someone they care about and its jsut a siagn that u really want it 2 work.
i wouldnt be to sure about him,like whats he doing down the country during the week??????do u trust him?`i know he workin but he doesnt work 24hours a day

Sarah**

Come to think of it.....i know during the week that he just comes hoem from work and stays in his room but he said to me that he doesnt have any mates down there....then who is going to the oub with on a sunday nite down there....

i mean do guys go to the pub on their own....

Never had reason not to trust him though...

Jimi-Spandex

Sarah** wrote:

Come to think of it.....i know during the week that he just comes hoem from work and stays in his room but he said to me that he doesnt have any mates down there....then who is going to the oub with on a sunday nite down there....

i mean do guys go to the pub on their own....

Never had reason not to trust him though...

Some do, some don't.


I would think that due to the fact that he keeps on reiterating that he will put his mates before you and the fact that he has said that he doesn't want a relationship would point to the fact that maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship? Maybe he doesn't like the idea of commitment?

I would warn you about the dangers of long distance relationships, they take alot of maintainance, it's very draining to constantly travel up and down the country. It would be especially hard on a relationship as young as yours.

Sarah**

here i go again with the excuses!! he will be home in dublin buy the latest march.....

well actually i dont have any....because its thursday nite nd no fone call.....

And i just cant understand how when he's had a few in the pub on a sunday ''things will be different when i come home babe'' justifies his silence everyother nite!

Sarah**

To all who gave me advice its ok now.....
As usual on a thursday he rings and tonite i really thought he wouldnt nd low and behold he rang.

We were talking about one of my friends who have been together a year now and the line was quite broken at the time but he just got a new fone nd realised he can record nd send conversations so he was recording this....
anyway
he asked ''do you think they are in love?''
i answered '' yeah defo...well i hardly think they r goin around sayin they r when they arnt''

he said '' cant believe they rnt startin to hate eachother at this point''
i answered '' No...you know some ppl arnt as skeptical about relationships as you are....some ppl believe in them you know''

*now during this i didnt hear his answer so i next said your very quiet there not realising he had said something anyway the conversation finished there and basically it was general chit chat*

When he sent me the conversation i heard him in response to some ppl believe in relationships........I DONT, I THINK THEY ARE ALL JUST FANTASY.

i just text him there and said i didnt realise you felt like this.....

So that looks like that is it for me.....i cant do this anymore knowing that this will never amount to a relationship.....which is why i was holding on to ''it'' for so long.

Blondie86Star

I tried that for a while last summer. met this guy, went out for about 2 months then he did a j1 for 3 n a half months, had all the intentions of making it work, but we just kinda decided (over a very expensive call) it wouldnt. Good luck tho!

LegacyUser

Hey Sarah

Totally know where you are coming from as I did the whole LDR for over a year resulting in a break up two months ago. Its tough..it works for some but for the majority it doesn't. I'm still totally head over heels for my ex but he can't handle the distance thing...life does go on though...

embee

A long distance relationship can work, but only when both parties are committed to it and are looking for the same things from the relationship. I got into a long distance relationship when I was 21, and at first, I didn't know where it was going. I didn't think it could last but... both myself and my partner are the same age and want the same things from our relationship, so it has survived. Thats not to say that it isn't very hard sometimes, because it is, but if its worth it in the long run, you'll find that the extra effort becomes worthwhile.

Whitewashman is right though about how ye are both so young, and that people change considerably. You're both young, your lives could possibly start to move further and further apart. Why tie yourself down when he's saying that relationships are all "just fantasy"?

dundalk cailin

imo its better to finish it now even tho its tough, it wud be tougher if u've spent more time tryin to make it work.if he comes back home and you's are both unattached, see if the spark is still there.. if you's are meant to be you's will be..

good luck, keep us posted, hope you'll be happy
*Cailin* xx

Vangelis

rainbow kirby wrote:

With my ex... we kinda rushed into things too, we met 3 weeks before he left for the states for 3 months. We tried our best to keep it going long-distance, but it just fizzled out in the end. Don't mean to be negative, but a lot of the time, long-distance doesn't work.

I've had a distance relationship for about 2 years!
If you want it, you can do it!
Hope my example inspires somebody else! Especially Sarah!

I have to say that I've been blessed then. He's my soulmate, I can't get enough of him and leting him go would be more excruciating than coping with the disadvantages of the distance. Love takes an effort, and maturity to understand that it does. I'm not saying you're immature, Sarah, but it's something to think about.

WhiteWashMan

Sarah** wrote:

...im also afraid of loosin him through asking him.
.

i dont think so.
i think your afraid of being single.

misswex

embee wrote:

A long distance relationship can work, but only when both parties are committed to it and are looking for the same things from the relationship. I got into a long distance relationship when I was 21, and at first, I didn't know where it was going. I didn't think it could last but... both myself and my partner are the same age and want the same things from our relationship, so it has survived. Thats not to say that it isn't very hard sometimes, because it is, but if its worth it in the long run, you'll find that the extra effort becomes worthwhile.

Whitewashman is right though about how ye are both so young, and that people change considerably. You're both young, your lives could possibly start to move further and further apart. Why tie yourself down when he's saying that relationships are all "just fantasy"?

Totally agree with Embee - been in a long distance relationship myself for well over a year now but we're both committed and both want the same thing from the relationship.

Thats the key, you both have to want the same thing!!

whacker4fun

sounds to me sarah thats hes either completely playing u or hes been hurt badly before

hes young and he prob wants to see other girls while still seeing you regularly!

megachick

Sarah it sounds like your man has serious commitment/relationship issues. When I was younger i was like that.I didnt want to be in anything serious.Im just out of a relationship myself.It didnt work out cos he had the same issues.I realise now that I have matured and am ready for a serious commitment.

Imsure hes a lovely guy.My ex was and I will always have time for him but like you I waited for the text/call/email and I was never happy cos he always kept this distance between us.Its hard but you have to think of yourself.Are you happy with the way things are now?Do you think things will change and he'll be ready to be a proper boyfriend to you when he moves back?

I hope it works out for you.

Dave

rainbow kirby wrote:

Don't mean to be negative, but a lot of the time, long-distance doesn't work.

It works if both parties put in the effort. I was in one for 2 and a half years. I'm currently in another one now.

Sarah**

im just not sure....maybe i am afriad of being single but then again i am single right now....i mean if i look at this logically he keeps saying how we rnt together but then he is promising things will be better when he moves home.....how can they get better when its all just ''fantasy''.

im not one of these girls who thinks he should pay attention to me all the time but a text letting me know that he feels the same would keep me happy. lastnite when i was suggesting that i was abit up in the air about how he felt ......i got a shut up ya sap in a messing jest from him.....as if he is just to afraid and to shy to actually say yeah sarah i do care for you.....

whether he's been hurt before or he just doesnt want a relationship im condused....

But then its friday and what better way to spend the weekend then out with my mates.....

but by 2 o clock in the morning my fingers will be textin him as usual sayin how i wished he was here and that i cant wait till he's home....blah blah!!

Same **** different day!

whacker4fun

you have to stop that and get on with things,there is plenty of more blokes out there. go out tonight and forget about him,theres nothing less attractive as a girl sittin der txting her fella or friend.

Faith

Penny22 wrote:

Hey Sarah

Totally know where you are coming from as I did the whole LDR for over a year resulting in a break up two months ago. Its tough..it works for some but for the majority it doesn't. I'm still totally head over heels for my ex but he can't handle the distance thing...life does go on though...

You're not... me, are you?! I went through exactly the same thing, but for a shorter period of time. I'm still completely in love with him, can't stop thinking about him. I really thought it would work, but it didn't. I think you need to be in a long term, commited relationship for it to have a chance.

WhiteWashMan

ok, so you are now unsure.

your boyfriend doesnt act or sound like a boyfriend.

why would you carry on a long distance relationship that doesnt sound like its going nowhere.

it seems obvious from what you have told us that although when you are together you have fun, it appears there is no commitment to this relationship from his side, and there appears to be no reason for you to be with him, other than the need to be in a relationship.

a relationship is something that 2 people are in, not one. i doubt he is 'stringing' you along, but the way i see it, it looks like he is just comfortable with a relationship that is distant enough not to worry him. if he cant even have a serious conversation abot your relationship, at what point do you have to decide you are worth more than some lame ass text message?

its not cute. its stupid.

as far as i can see, you are both pretty much wasting your own time.i would suggest when you go out this weekend you should do some serious flirting, some serious dancing, and see what happens.

and you know those 2oclock texts. they are not about love, they are about being full of beer and wishing you had someone to go home with. at that point, any port in a storm will do....

shakaman

the only way a LDR works is if both parties are truly in love.

I went out with a girl for 2 months before I moved to london permanently. We said we'd give things a go but I don't think my feelings were as strong s hers. We say each once a month and spoke on the phone every day.

Within a month or so I started to stray and eventually got the balls up to break up. Hurt me to break her but i was better off that way than here being in the dark about what I was doing.

Still not proud of what I did but I don't do it anymore.

In summary you only knew the guy a couple of months before he went away, how well do you really know him and what he's up to. IMO you need to be going out with someone for a long period of time if a LDR is going to work.

megachick

You obviously like this guy alot or you wouldnt be thinking so much about this.
But is it actually worth your time? If he was all about you and ringing and making the effort, then I would go for it.If its only a half hearted approach, I seriously would get out now because it will be your heart that will be broken, not his.

Vangelis

Sarah** wrote:

but by 2 o clock in the morning my fingers will be textin him as usual sayin how i wished he was here and that i cant wait till he's home....blah blah!!

Blah blah? Doesn't really sound like you have a passionate liaison.

If you meant the world to him, he would not move away from you. But wait, he's saying that he will come back? To you? Will he live near you then?

Sarah**

yeah back to about ten fifteen minutes from my house...

Im still in the dark about whats going on...i brought up the fantasy thing while on the phone b4 i went out lastnight and he was like no no i was only joking so in response i said well correct me if im wrong but i thought this was a relationship and he said you have nothing to worry about i really like you so go out tonite and have a good one!!

So under orders and all that i went out and loved the attention and flirting thing but at 4 in the morning walking home i still only had him on the mind so i text him....

Havent heard anything today from him i also asked him to come up to dublin nd that we could do something tonite.....no response to that.

I understand im being selfish in asking him to come up but if im finding it hard and he is saying he is too then surely for me to suggest coming up and spending time with me would be a good thing.....

Think he is just hating the fuss......and i know i only know him a few months but i know alot abotu him i mean we talk on the phone all the time and when he's up we have chats too....

Thinking though maybe i am wasting my time..... but then its getting really hard trying to push him out of my head!!

dundalk cailin

it seems to me like your pushin for this to work a little more than him? dont pressure him too much or he'll break it off completely