Boyfriend - Cheating??

Sun_beam

I am in a bit of a pickle.

Background: I am 30 and he is 32. We are together 1½ years.

I logged onto my boyfriend’s email and found something that I should not have known. Serves me right, I hear you say. Well, he did give me his email password before and always said that he had nothing to hide!

Anyway, he has become a member of a sex personal website. He has downloaded his picture (clothed) onto this.
At first I was shocked, then I realised that we had broken up when he first logged on. But we got back together soon after and of course I checked again but he was still logging on.

Then of course I was logging on every day to check what he had been sending and receiving. Mostly it is harmless chatting but then I saw that he had downloaded his picture. Now he has started to give these girls his email address so that they can chat on instant messaging.

I thought we were truly doing fine in the bedroom and in our general relationship. Then I thought well there have been a few times where I have said no to sex even when I felt like it as I am shy sometimes and feel that my body is not at its best at the moment.
On one women’s profile it had said that she was in need of some TLC as her husband was neglecting her. He replied to the women saying that he was in a similar situation himself.

So I decided to take it all as a wake up call. I started asking him were we ok together and he always says yes. I even said to him that I thought he might go off me and find someone else and he said no and that I was being silly and that he only wanted me. I started being more proactive in bed and we were just on a weekend away and had a blast. But when he came home last night I saw today that he had logged on again. He even said to one women in an email that he had give a false birth date on the website in case of his partner’s eyes (i.e. me).

We used to live together but I had to move back home for work. Where he lives at present he knows not a soul and I know is very lonely when I am not around. I drive down at the weekends to see him and vice versa. But during the week no one comes near him.

Now he has got a job near me, which is starting in 2 weeks and we are about to move in together again. We are in the process, as I email, of looking for a house together to rent. This is going to happen by the 19th November (less than 2 weeks).

But I am terrified now that he will cheat and / or meet up with these girls. What if one of the girls knows us and knows then that he is willing for discreet sex (or so he says). His membership is up on 19th November and I know that he will use it until then, as he is one of these people that will always finish out everything to the end i.e. see the membership through as he had paid for it.

He also took a purity test on this website, and although I have always known that he has been around the town so to speak, one of the questions he ticked yes to was that he had cheated on a partner. Is that me????

Of course I cannot say to him that “Ooh I logged onto your email and I know what you are up to”, as what if it is harmless or is this considered harmless in other peoples eyes??

Unless I now say that someone on the website has emailed me to say that his profile is on this website. Really wouldn’t I need proof that first of any indecent behaviour?

Do I bide my time and wait and see does he arrange meetings? But if this is done by instant messaging I won’t know if anything has been arranged. Is that letting it go too far?

What the hell am I going to do? And before anyone starts saying that I deserve yes I know but in a way I am glad that I do.

PLEASE HELP HELP HELP.

bp

Three suggestions:

1) say it to him! there is no point moving in together if he is actually cheating and then you break up and having to move out again!

2) tell him a friend saw him on the site and confront him with that....if he lies and says he never logs in anymore then you have a problem

3) set up your own acc (under an assumed name/ pic) and start chatting

personally i would go with option 1 but thats me!

why did you log in to his email in the first place?

Sun_beam

I don't know, cos I am terribly nosy. Well I am paying the price now!!

i don't think I can bear admitting to what I have done.

bp

well then take option 2 or 3.........you should find out before you move in together.......it will be worse then if he is cheating and you will always be wondering

missingtime

Tell him it was on the "recent webpages" folder in Windows? And just ask him casually about it see what his reaction is.

Hugh Hefner

Well, now that you know, you've got two obvious options: tell him or keep it secret. The latter would mean just forgeting about it all and never knowing what's going on. If you can't do that then you have no choice but to tell him. It might not be so bad. It could be a great turning point in the relationship. It doesn't seem like there's any proof he's cheating on you. Maybe he's just chating (or maybe I'm getting the wrong impression form what you said).

Like bp said, if you're going to find out then you've got to act before moving in with the guy. Unlike bp I don't suggest using underhanded tactics as if he were to find out what you were doing then even if he was not cheating he may not want to be with you anymore. Honesty is what's missing on his part and I don't think any dishonesty on your part is going to make things better. Just be direct or forget about the whole thing.

NineMoons

Ordinarily, I would say option one but he's likely to use the fact that you've been 'spying' on him as an excuse to turn it all around and start blaming you. Of course, you know you shouldn't have done it but I can totally understand why you couldn't stop once you started. And what he's doing is so much worse that it's more important to address that issue first rather than get sidetracked into who trusts who and privacy and so forth.

I would go with option two - at least that way he'll know you know and you can talk about it.

Do not move in together without talking about it. He has to know you know he's been cheating on you (maybe you don't define this as cheating but it sure as hell is betrayal) and how you feel about it.

Maybe you'll be able to work through it, sort out whatever issues are making him act so appallingly and maybe in time you can trust him again. Maybe not. But you can't go on like this. It's not going to get better unless you talk about it.

Best of luck! I hope things work out well for you.

bp

i agree with all of the above! i would go with the first option but if you cannot then the second would be best! and dont move in with him until you are sure otherwise it will all end in tears

Gaz25

It sounds to me as if you dont really trust this guy as it is. To be honest and i dont mean to sound bad. The best thing to do is to confront him about this and ask him to explain. Simply just tell him that you needed to use his e-mail account as your account was locked out something.

Whats it going to be like when you move in together and he is going to the pub with the lads and you'd be up waiting for him to come home and wondering, what if, blah,blah

The one thing every girl you ever talk to always says about relationships is, they have to be able to trust each other, otherwise where does that leave you.

To be honest if you don't trust him and are havinf doubts, then finish it with him and move on. I knowsomeone who is going with a girl for7 years and its only an inconvience for both, you dont want that happening to you.

Sun_beam

Thanks for the replies. I am terrified to bring it up. If I say that I logged on or saw his email he will only blame me for the whole lot. If I log on and pretend to be someone else that will only prolong the matter. We are supposed to be moving in together shortly.

I so wish that this did not happen. It's so sad as I thought we were doing well.

I had only said to him a while ago about that I would never cheat on him as we had been through so much and he had agreed and said that it would be so stupid for one of us to do that. Every night he rings to tell me how he is looking forward to moving in with me again and that he cannot wait. And that he can't to see me 24/7. Does this mean that everything that he says to me is now a load of rubbish??

I am so confused, but it is getting to the stage that I can no longer ignore it. As I don't think that it will go away and yes, I will always be wondering if he is really at the gym or working late.


Oh God...... I am bricking it!!

Femelade

it certainly is a tough one. 'not knowing' is not an option and you are running out of time here. i think you should go with option two. tell him a friend told you. find out exactly what he's been up to before ye move in together.
good luck.
keep us posted.

~Leanne~

I would confront him, i know its not a nice thing to do but what relationship can you possibly have in the future based on deciet??? (sp!)

LegacyUser

Sun beam, im really sorry to hear about this.I found myself in a very similiar situation at the start of the year.
I discovered that my GF (living together for 4 years) had an online blog, essentially it was an online diary going back about 2 years at the time, where people on the internet could comment on whatever she had posted that day. i had no problem with her having an on line diary until i realised that there wasnt 1 good word about me up there. e.g. if we had an arguement, she would immediately post on the blog what she felt about me etc, but would never post the good stuff in our relationship. to say the comments were one sided is an understatment.

the other thing was, that what started as posts and replies through the blog became chats on msn messenger. i dont know what peoples feelings are about this , its a new phenomenon, and i know in some cases its harmless.people involved in this activity probably think its ok because there is no physical contact and a certain amount of anonimity,but i do know for a fact that if i were to have done it my GF would have hit the roof!!
i wonder how your BF would feel if he found out you were doing the same? (im not saying you should btw)

from this experience i can offer you the following points:

1) this isnt about something you did or didnt do, i asked myself for a long time after 'what could i have done better?' , like you i did try to improve things but after a while i realised (with the help of some friends) that it wasnt about me , it was her insecurities, her need for affirmation (albeit from strangers) that caused this.

of course there were things we could have done differently , but notice i say 'WE', i was never given the opportunity to address this issues with her face to face.

2) i can understand you feeling of betrayal, i was gobsmacked when i read her version of events for the past 2 years. i felt i was living with a jeckyll and hyde character.
again, you have nothing to feel guilty / bad about ..you didnt ask for this.

3) i agree with the other posters, talk to him about this . Particularly if you are thinking of moving in with him. he may try and turn this around i.e. blame you for reading his email...but then again he gave you his password.

you have asked him repeatedly if theres a problem, you've tried to improve things. could be that there is no problem and that he enjoys the attention of these other people on the 'net.
i hope it works out for you

Victor

Reading people's e-mails isn't fair or proper. You have made your bed, you now have to sleep in it. That or sleep elsewhere.

Sun_beam wrote:

On one women’s profile it had said that she was in need of some TLC as her husband was neglecting her. He replied to the women saying that he was in a similar situation himself.

I wouldn't necessarily take this as a criticism, nerely him trying to create a connection.

BoozyBabe

Victor wrote:

I wouldn't necessarily take this as a criticism, nerely him trying to create a connection.

???????????????
Why is he TRYING to create a connection???????????

He'd obviously be on a different website if he was just looking for a 'pen pal'!!!

Seraphina

well Victor either its a criticism of the relationship or its him lying to try 'connect' with some other woman with a view to getting in her pants (tis pretty much the only reason guys lie as far as i have gathered)

neither is a good thing

The Corinthian

Two things; invading his privacy was completely out of order, regardless of what you found. Were I in his shoes I would give you your walking papers for that.

Secondly, he has not actually cheated on you as far as you know. He is chatting up other women on-line and may well be cheating on you, but you only know the former and suspect the latter.

It is not unusual for either men or women to flirt on-line, often elaborately, without any intention of letting it go further. Some people in relationships still need the chase, even if they have not intention of letting it go further.

Of course he may be cheating, or attempting to do so, but that’s not proven as yet. And I wanted to give you another possibility on what it may be.

Santa Claus

Playing devils advocate here for a minute :

You mentioned he doesn't know anyone where he is at the moment so maybe he's using this website out of boredom.
Also, you mentioned that he implied he had cheated before to someone on the site, this may be stupid male bravado implying that he's very much in demand.

I think Corinthian is a bit harsh about the invasion of privacy. I mean he gave you his password and invited you to check it, so why not sit down and discuss it (it'd have to be a face to face chat as those kind of chats never work on the phone, but i'm sure you realise that).

Anyway, he may not have cheated on you and it may just be him being bored and stupid so all is not lost yet.
While chatting up women is akin to cheating in some peoples eyes, if he's using the pc to meet these people all the time, then he's not meeting up with them in person is he !!

Best of luck, not an easy subject to broach !

The Corinthian

Santa Claus wrote:

I think Corinthian is a bit harsh about the invasion of privacy. I mean he gave you his password and invited you to check it, so why not sit down and discuss it (it'd have to be a face to face chat as those kind of chats never work on the phone, but i'm sure you realise that).

What she said was:

Sun_beam wrote:

Well, he did give me his email password before and always said that he had nothing to hide!

Which is not the same thing as an open ticket to read his email - and from her explanation sounds like he gave her his password for a specific reason in the past and now she’s justifying her actions, post facto. After all, if she was invited to check his email at will, would he really use it to cheat on her?

So no, I wouldn’t say I was being harsh, but only in my opinion - I accept privacy is not a big deal with some people, like fidelity is not with others.

Santa Claus

Apologies there Corinthian.
Personally speaking if I was in a relationship with someone then I shouldn't have anything to hide so if I'd given them my email password I wouldn't have any problem with them checking (I might be disappointed at an apparent lack of trust but in this case that seems somewhat vindicated).

audge

Ok so you shouldn't have been snooping, but you did, and now you know stuff about your boyfriend that you don't like.
I dunno how you have kept it to yourself all this time, I would have blurted it out as soon as I discovered it.
Just say it to him, seriously, your driving yourself mad with all this. We have established that you shouldn't have been snooping, but I see it as the lesser of two evils.
I tell my boyfriend everything, I checked his mail about a year ago (an account that is no longer active) and I found emails he sent to another girl in the very early stages of us getting together. I could have said nothing, but its not in my nature, and I probably would have let the situation grow bigger and bigger in my mind till we split. So I called him about it, and he was able to give me his side of the story, and we sorted it.

DoctorEdgeWild

I think I would go with the 'my friend saw you on this website' option. Just bring it up in a joking kind of way, or else you run the risk of just exploding and scaring the sh1te outta him. Thats not the best idea whatever way you look at it.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is whether or not talking to a guy/gal on the net is really cheating. I may be opening up a can of worms here in PI but it will probably come up in your discussion with your boyfriend.

Personally, I don't think it is but if it's hurting you, then you are perfectly right to ask your boyfriend to stop and if he is a good guy, he will do so.

Also bear in mind that the 19 year old blonde he is chatting with is probably an 49 year old male axe murderer from an Arizona prison. Many people don't take things that happen on the internet as seriously as others. For some, it's their whole life, for others it's all just a laugh.

Sounds like you two as a couple have some trust issues and maybe that is something you have to work on between you. I hope it works out for you, just approach it as calmly as you possibly can. Best of luck.

Sun_beam

99% of these women are based in Ireland. So it's not like chatting with someone far away.

As we do not live in the same county at the moment, I will have to do this by phone. Tomorrow he is coming down to view houses with me, so unless I leave it till then. I am at a loss of what to do and how to even start mentioning this.

Even if he says that it was harmless flirting, how does one get over that. It's not like he remained anon. as he has sent his picture to a lot of women.

Maybe I am better off spitting it out and seeing the result, but we all know here that this the relationship over as I that doubt will be always at the back of my mind.

bp

on the whole "is internet flirting cheating" question it really depends on what s/he is actually saying....if he is have email s*x then yeah i would say it is (but thats just me) but i would be really hurt either way if i thought he would even sign up to one of those sites (once again thats just me). he might be just having a laugh and it could be a male in arazona!!!!:) but then again it mightn't! have a chat as soon as possible or else it will only get worse

why did you check in the first place? were you having trust issues?

DoctorEdgeWild

Yeah, you should probably wait until you see him in person. Maybe you are best spitting it all out, see how the dust settles after a bit of arguing. Either way, don't just put up with something you don't have to.

Either way, best of luck to you. I hope everything works out OK for you.:)

Sun_beam

I suppose I must have had trust issues to check in the first place.

I have not seen any email contact with anyone nor anything really to do with sex, only his profile. It is the pictures that make it more serious as someone could know him and / or me and that would be hurtful.

I know that when we speak later on the phone I will probably end up saying it as I am unable to hold back now.

I just feel so let down by it all and I was really looking forward to living with him again.

bungeecork

1. Relax

2. As already advised, talk to him. He might be bursting for you to know, to talk to you about it. There is an oppertunity here to bring to your relationship an intimcy many other couples never have.

3. You could talk to him about this, sort things out, buy a house, move in, be very happy for 2 years and then break up anyway for any number of other reasons - so do get too caught up on the "I need to sort this out tomorrow before we buy a house together"

4. Don't talk about this on the phone.

5. Bring it up when you are alone together, in a place you wont be interrupted, and in a place where neither of you can storm out. Parked in a car in the middle of nowhere in the rain is a good place. Just be sure you are the one doing the driving.

OK, I'm opinionated, sorry. Number 6 is coming up. It's intended to give him the courage to talk frankly to you. And it's just my silly opinion. Ready?

6. Bring it up in the form of an apology - during an embrace when you are not looking into his eyes.

7. Relationships are hard. This is just the first of many trials. The goal here is to have a companion when you're shopping in Dunnes Stores and are old and wrinkled and your kids don't visit as often as they could. A companion who'll go with you to the Doctor for your cancer test results. A companion you can go with to the Doctor for his cancer test results. Someone you know will visit you every day at the home. Right now he might be just dealing with his testosterone. He might be screaming inside for any other reason. Be there for him.

8. Putting number 7 another way, if this is the worst of the problems you encounter in a lifetime together then you're at the begining of a very easy ride.

9. He might be chuffed (pleased) that you cared enough to check his email.

10. Finally - if you smell BS, say so. There's intimacy and then there's being played for a fool.

3greenrizla's

Sun_beam wrote:

Tomorrow he is coming down to view houses with me, so unless I leave it till then. I am at a loss of what to do and how to even start mentioning this.

am i right in thinking that you're buying a house with someone you're not sure you trust - not the best idea in the world.

this is probably gonna come out sooner or later, its better brought up by you calmlyrather as an accusation during an argument.

best o luck

CarolLorraine

If he was going to have a problem with you checking his email, he should never have given you his password. Make up a reason as to why you were checking his email even if it's something lame. And don't let him attack you on that. If he does he's only avoiding the real issue, which is that he's still logging onto this website.

I think when you're talking to him keep referring to how his actions are making you feel. If you attack him on using the site, he'll only defend and defend himself. The important thing is that he realises he is hurting you with this behaviour and jeopardising the trust in the relationship.

The Corinthian

CarolLorraine wrote:

If he was going to have a problem with you checking his email, he should never have given you his password.

And if he was going to cheat on her he wouldn’t with an email address that he felt she would check either. The fact remains that we don’t know why he gave her his password - it may have been a case that one day he needed someone to check the contents of an email when he didn’t have Internet access at the time (such as flight details), for example.

Certainly simply giving his password alone is not an indication that she was welcome to examine his correspondence. Otherwise giving your other half a spare key would mean that he / she is free to go through all your things at home.

It simply doesn’t work that way - and if you think it does, please keep the Hell away from me you bunnyboiler, thank you very much.

Make up a reason as to why you were checking his email even if it's something lame.

I really can’t get over how people are with one breath justifying how invading his privacy was acceptable then suggesting that she should then lie about something that was apparently acceptable. It does seem to betray that they realize that these justifications are essentially, well... bull.

This of course is a side issue to whether he is cheating, flirting or none of the aforementioned. Given this it’s a pretty important side issue in that even if you do work it out, he will never trust her again.

The Sweeper

Invading his privacy was a bad idea. Making up some cock and bull story to explain why you did it will be worse. Tell him you were paranoid, nosy and insensitive, and now you've reason to be even more so. See what happens.

Nevyn

Seems like you opened a right pandora's box and just like Pandora you have
to deal with what you found and the consquences of your actions.

You were snooping and out of bounds reading his email full stop.
Don't use what you have found as a reason to confuse the underlying issue
that you didnt not trust him for what ever reason founded or otherwise.
You would not have been snooping otherwise.
Sounds like you wish you had come across real good hard factual edivince
that he was cheating on you.
Got to ask yourself why you were looking for a way out of this relationship ?

Siogfinsceal

yeah bp is right you need to say something you dont have to say how you found out but no sense moving in with a man you can trust. in his defence it might just be a bit of fantasy ive done that before logging into chat rooms and made up detaisl about myself etc but even so its upsetting you so you need to talk about it.
dont beat yourself up over checking his email - something made you feel the need to.

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

dont beat yourself up over checking his email - something made you feel the need to.

:rolleyes:

Nevyn

Siogfinsceal wrote:

- something made you feel the need to.

Saying that someone felt the need to do something,
that is not reason enough to justify doing it.

This is something 4 to 5 year olds are thaught, they are also taught that there
are consquences to thier actions and if they still choose to do a thing then they
have to accept responsiblily for it and what follows.

Op you have to decide what you want in your life and from the relationship you are in.
IF you are willing to stay with this person then you have to let it go and try trust them, if not then finish the relationship or move it to being a less serious
one ie dont buy property.

Siogfinsceal

thats not what I meant. I mean that if you are in a relationship and feel the need to xcheck your boyf email - then something is wrong in the relationship and its a sign of it.
I never check my boyf mobi. I think that if I start thinking I should or wanting to - then something is wrong. If you need to check - its a lack of trust

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

thats not what I meant. I mean that if you are in a relationship and feel the need to xcheck your boyf email - then something is wrong in the relationship and its a sign of it.

Just to clarify; then you do think she was wrong to check his email?

If you need to check - its a lack of trust

A lack of trust does not mean infidelity; it can mean a lot of things, including insecurity, stress or even boredom. And you won’t find an answer to those in your other half’s email account.

Siogfinsceal

didnt say it meant infidelity - its as you say - it means insecurity or stress and she needs to question the reason for that and sit down and talk to him. if your feelng like that I wouldnt move in together without feeling secure and happy. i dont think she was wrong i just think shes worrying and feeling insecure and now what she has found is making it worse.

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

i dont think she was wrong i just think shes worrying and feeling insecure and now what she has found is making it worse.

So you did feel she was justified to invade his privacy? That’s what you were asked and you claimed that it wasn’t what you meant.

Siogfinsceal

could you analyse more??!! I dont think its a case of right or wrong! I think if you feel the need to do something like that then it is a sign that you are stressed / unhappy / worried in the relationship and should really be talking to your partner about it rather than bottling it up.

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

could you analyse more??!! I dont think its a case of right or wrong!

I don’t disagree with your point of it being a sign of something wrong, but you do seem to be patently condoning, or even justifying, her invasion of his privacy.

Siogfinsceal

the whole idea of 'invasion of privacy' becomes very blurred in a relationship , thats my opinion anyway. look im not trying to disagree with anyone here im just trying to give the girl some advice. if you dont agree with my pov thats not a problem for me i dont expect everyone to.

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

the whole idea of 'invasion of privacy' becomes very blurred in a relationship , thats my opinion anyway. look im not trying to disagree with anyone here im just trying to give the girl some advice.

I see. I would like to refer you to my earlier post then, third paragraph.

Siogfinsceal

Firstly, please stop overanalysing my every post its annoying. As ive already explained Im just trying o give the girl some advice. The main issue here isnt wether or not she should have done it anyway. Its that her boyf is chatting to people on this site and its upsetting her. also the fact that she is thinking about moving in with him when all of this is going on. I just think she needs to sit down and talk to him

LegacyUser

i had a thread in after hours "do you know your partners email password"

so he know's you have his password, he's either very dumb.

or.........

v clever/twisted and is trying to entrap you.

i'd say it's most likely the former, but ye never know......

The Corinthian

Siogfinsceal wrote:

Firstly, please stop overanalysing my every post its annoying.

It take it it’s overanalysing when you dislike the conclusions?

As ive already explained Im just trying o give the girl some advice. The main issue here isnt wether or not she should have done it anyway.

I’ve already conceded that it is a side issue, but it’s not an unimportant one.

For many people, regardless of gender, such an invasion of privacy is on a par with being cheated on. It is a clear betrayal. Yet you and others have repeatedly advised her that this was justified behaviour. It’s not, and if she goes and portrays it as justified when she confronts him she will make matters a lot worse.

She’s in a very unpleasant situation and she has to approach it diplomatically if she wants to minimise any negative consequences. Regardless of the outcome of the confrontation on the fidelity issue, at the very least he will never trust her completely again as she will have not only spied on him, but felt it her right to do so - and at the very worst he’ll tell her to take a running jump.

So you might try analysing that next time you give someone advice.

dudara

Siogfinsceal and TC, please don't take this dispute any further

Siogfinsceal, our motto here is "attack the post, not the poster" ie don't starting calling people stupid, or not fit to post

Siogfinsceal

Dudara apologies, it was never my intention to attack anyone. I was merely replying to the post as I felt entitled to do. I was just giving the poster some advice. Corinthian then took offense to my opinion. Its very annoying having someone critiscise your every post as I feel entitled to have an opinion and I respect the opinions of others.

I have since removed my post and if The Corinthian can please leave me alone I will be happy to do the same

dudara

Siogfinsceal wrote:

Dudara apologies, it was never my intention to attack anyone. I was merely replying to the post as I felt entitled to do. I was just giving the poster some advice. Corinthian then took offense to my opinion. Its very annoying having someone critiscise your every post as I feel entitled to have an opinion and I respect the opinions of others.

That's the glory of boards. You are entitled to your opinion, just as TC is entitled to his.

EDIT: Ah goddamn it, I just read TC's post. Will you please cut it out?

Siogfinsceal

Im not talking rubbish. Ive suggested that she sit down and have a talk to her boyfriend. how does this offend you? I think she needs to before she moves in with him with all this stuff carrying on. As someone suggested earlier she doesnt have to tell him how exactly she found out he is on the sites. do you have a problem with me?

dudara

you just apologised, and then you post this!

siogfinsceal banned for one week. PM me in a week to be re-admitted.