affair

lil*lady

You can choose to read the intro or skip to the main body as this is a long thread

Long time user, didn't want to use regular profile for PI, know too many ppl here.
I'll try and use the 3rd person to distance it from myslf and to try and see things logically, i kno this will annoy ppl...but it's my kind of "therapy" or attempt to make sense of stuff

intro
So you've had a long ol few months, several problems with ex's, work, college, particularly health, and the odd friend r 2 having major problems like, death in the family, failing exams, major debts, pregnancy scare-but then recently you've been getting things back on track-you're still a lil shakey-but everything seems to be getting back to good and normal stuff, with the odd turn along the way bumping into a bit of good fortune here and there, hurray.

However there has always and will always be one person who you have had problems with, despite how hard you try-they just aren't prepared to give, or do the same, and at every hurdle/oppurtunity criticise you, particularlly at your moments of success-having studied psychology for some time i realise that it is due to the fact that they were not given the same amount of male parental attention in their youth and are taking it out on you in a jealous "rage", or some other numerous issues that they have, guilt perhaps-warped guilt.Right you've guessed it, my mother, part of it also maybe that she had me very young(by today's standards)20 and is jealous that I have the chance that she never had.
You would expect our relationship to be quite stormy, but in fact it isn't, despite how hard I try I can never fight back, it's something that was ingrained in me over many years bullsh1t about "respecting your parents", despite all the terrible things that she has done to me (mental pain moreso than physical-but there have been occasions), I really cannot stand up to this woman-anyone else (hey, I've taken on drunken 20 stone rugby players in bars and politicians in packed auditoriums in college, I'm not afraid to speak my mind and share my opinion but...this woman), but she always has a way of getting to me, and getting me down. Here this is my fault I guess, despite everything else in my life, here I lack a sense of "maturity" or probably more acurately backbone...

Main Body

Then you find out that this person (A) who you've never really gotten on with is having an affair.(Gathered enough proof, via phone calls, letters, text messages, plane tickets, them telling lies-you catching them out, photos and a younger sibling catching them having "online activities" but been fed a load of lies&excuses...basicly I went thru their stuff- i feel bad for it, but...) It confirms suspicions that you have had for a long time, and you feel angry, hurt, fu(king peeved, and also relieved in that you weren't imagining things and (hate to say it but..)wrong. For the person that they are married to (B)- (A) is all that they have after a life-time of working that has isolated them from most of their friends, (A) pretty much is their life, and they will do anything for them, like go to places they really don't want to be, buy them really ridiculously expensive gifts, that'll end up in a drawer in 2 days, pick them up after a long week of work after (A)'s gone on a night out and then have to put up with them moaning for being 5 minutes late for the next week(literally), etc...Bascily despite it all (A) is (B)'s life

What the fu(k do you do? or what the fu(k do i do?!?!

1) thinking of my own ass
Tell her I know-and then face the whole malarky of her accusing me of going thru her stuff and losing credibility because of that? Also having to get my sibling involved and have their head wrecked...
tell her I know and risk getting thrown out? (still a student, the ol cliche, but cant go far on 80e a week with rent and bills..)
tell him, and risk the above, but also the complete shock, heartbreak...?
try to confront her and like on so many other occasions fail, and crash and burn with tears
not say anything, feel guilty, feel hurt, stupid, etc,
try and find a way of moving out-ie run away from the problem

Thinking of my siblings ass
tell and stop their mental headwreckage-am the older sibling after all...
not say anything and leave them wondering what to do
not say anything and leave them really hurt

Thinking of my Dad
Tell him and ruin everything (believe me he really has no idea)
not tell him and then feel really guilty, and risk him finding out, and then finding out that u knew and a big mess being involved..

As for her....I'm really confused. Of course being related I still care about her, but it's REALLY hard-after all the pain she has put me thru over the years, and now all the hurt she is causing(it is really affecting my sister and myself), and all the lies....I don't know. I'm somewhat numb at the moment..

Help
If you've been in this situtation, help-I need advice, I am going to go see a counsellor in college on tuesday to try and help me sort out what i'm going to do, but...I'd like some decent advice, as this is really affecting my sleep, work, college stuff, friends-life basically! No gobsh1tes please

Hugh Hefner

Well, I've never been in a situation anything like this but as a completely independent and unbiased onlooker I can't see a single stand-up reason for not spilling the beans. I know, I know, there are possibilities for people getting hurt but frankly I think the good far outweighs the bad. And on the bright side this could liberate your father from what seems like years of oppression and make is life beautiful.

It certainly seems like neither you nor your family owe your mother any major leeway in these circumstances. Would I be right in saying that a big reveal would have the most impact on your dad? If so then all I can think of is that if I were to find out I was going to die I wouldn't want any secrets being kept from me. I'd want to know the truth about my life. I personally couldn't let my dad's life be, and I'm not trying to be insulting, wasted on someone like your mother who doesn't seem to be committed to any of the important people in her life.

And this is jumping the gun a lot but if I were to tell all I'd admit it to your dad, then sister, then mother. Or maybe sister and father together.
Hopefully the counsellor will be helpful.

Anyway, just a few thoughts.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about this. I do know of somebody who went through EXACTLY what you're going through. I've decided to come on as unregistered because alot of people know me on here.

Basically my friend found out his/her mother was having an affair. S/he confronted her, the mother said it was all over etc. It was a lie, it still continued on and it was on about 7 years later when the ran away together.

Now my friend never said anything to his/her father. but he found out about it. Still took her back though the silly bugger.

I don't know what advice to give you as there's no strict way of doing it, all i can say is that if you confront her, she's being lying to you all for x amount of time, she won't think twice about doing it again.

hungryhippo

"risk getting thrown out"? By who?
Why would your mother not be the one thrown out ?
Would your father allow that to happen if you were to tell him?
Aside from what you have discovered, it sounds like you don't feel at all secure with your own place in the family, and that they may discard you?

If you feel that your father should know but don't want to be the one to tell him because of the consequences to you, consider the possibility of 'arranging' it so that he finds out for himself.

CathyMoran

First of all my sympathy to you for what must be a very hard situation. It happened to a friend of mine except that it was their father cheating on their mother - they did not tell their mother but she eventually found out, they are still together but my friend has a lot less respect (none) for his father. In the end I do not feel that it is your business to tell, but that is just me. I was cheated on in a long term relationship but I was glad that I found out myself, for me it made the healing easier as I felt that I had been proactive in finding out - in an affair you feel very helpless.

bandraoi

Your parents marriage is none of your business.
What agreements they have come to between themselves you have NO idea of and you have NO right to interfere with.

Stay out of it.

bp

try and help your dad find out on his own...he may not believe you if you tell him or may not want to believe you! you never know....he might actually know but is keeping it together family reasons (ie you and your sisters/ brothers)

0utshined

bandraoi wrote:

Your parents marriage is none of your business.
What agreements they have come to between themselves you have NO idea of and you have NO right to interfere with.

Stay out of it.

Quoted for truth.

As an aside, you need to get out of that house yourself for you're own well being. From the sounds of it it's not a healthy environment for you to live in.

secret_squirrel

bandraoi wrote:

Your parents marriage is none of your business.

What a ridiculous statement.

Of course its at least partly her business. Her parents marriage produced her and her siblings. As part of that marriage her parents, have a responsibility to consider how their actions affect their children.

Whilst I dont know if I would to go so far as to inform 1 parent about the others affair, the offspring of a marriage or relationship are a major (but not the only) component of that relationship.

OP do what feels most right to you, personally I would confront your mother and just tell her how hurtful you find her behaviour and how damaging it will be to the family if anyone else finds out. Let her decide if what she gets from her affair is worth the damage it does. Then you will be able to figure out from her actions to this how to treat her in the future.

THINKiknowitall

hungryhippo wrote:

"risk getting thrown out"? By who?
Why would your mother not be the one thrown out ?
Would your father allow that to happen if you were to tell him?
Aside from what you have discovered, it sounds like you don't feel at all secure with your own place in the family, and that they may discard you?

If you feel that your father should know but don't want to be the one to tell him because of the consequences to you, consider the possibility of 'arranging' it so that he finds out for himself.

^^^what he/she said.^^^

she has done wrong - mental abuse is torturing.
she has you under control. maybe if she hadn`t this control, you wouldn`t have posted here and would have told your dad already?

i`m not an expert on anything but if he`s a good decent man and she is poison,(i had the same thing but roles reversed), surely he`ll have the balls to give her the boot.

also, the onus is on you to do whatever you decide to do or not to do.
depending on the age of your sister, i think the guilt factor would be over-whelming.
i think you`d be in a better position to open "pandoras box" and be able to handle it somewhat better.

best of luck with whatever happens anyway.

annR

I would tend to err on the side of doing less rather than more in this situation . . . .I think you have *enough* on your plate without worrying about your parents marriage. It's not your responsibility. It's important you realise that.
I know that of course it affects you and therefore you think you should do something. However wouldn't your life be so much easier if you hadn't found out about this. Consider it - if you hadn't found out. If you bring this out in the open you will probably find out a lot more things that will increase your burden even more.
From that point of view - it is easier for you to stay out of it and try to consider it your parents business because it is. No parents in their right mind would want for their kids to get mixed up in their marital mess. You don't deserve it and you can't fix it. Family stuff is hard to leave behind but you will eventually. Why make it harder on yourself by getting deeper into it.
It sounds like you won't be winning any wars with your mother anytime soon - just hope for a time in the future when things might get better when you're older. Consider that your Dad may not want to know about the affair - you don't know.
Do nothing and concentrate on moving on and helping your siblings to have a forward looking attitude to do the same.

Hugh Hefner

You don't think she has any kind of reponsibility to stop the cheating and suggest that she should just try and forget everything that her mother has done and is still doing?! That's madness.

annR

I know she can't just 'forget' it . . .but come on - do you think she should "take responsibility" to stop her mother's cheating? I think that's an awful lot for someone to take on. How can she stop her mother cheating? The awful thing about marital problems etc is the poor kids thinking it was their fault and they should have done something. What on earth can she possibly do about this . . . . .in my opinion nothing so I don't think it's good for her to 'take responsibility' for it.

There's no way she is going to figure out the right thing to do here, whatever she does will involve a lot of pain and stress and end up with her blaming herself. She shouldn't be in this position of feeling responsible for the domestic situation.

Maccattack

Poor you. what a position to be in.

This isnt really the place to look for advice on this type of thing. I hope you have a friend to talk to.

Just be careful that you dont dob her in to make yourself feel better or to get revenge on her.

you'll only feel worse.

Also, you dont really know what goes on with your parents. You dont really know her motivation.

Just because someone has an affair doesnt mean theyre bad. not in itself.

i know people who have done it and it wasnt because they were bad people. it was because something was a miss in their maraige.

hope you find someone to discuss this with.

there aint no simple answer.

secret_squirrel

annR wrote:

It's not your responsibility. It's important you realise that.

Agreed. However the OP should bear in mind that it may be worth bringing to her mothers attention the amount of damage she is doing to the OP and her siblings. Its a long shot but it may bring to the mothers attention what a selfish cow she is being.

Regardless of whether you believe that her mother and fathers relationship has anything to do with the OP or not (I do) but the sheer damage the Mother is doing to the OP needs to be resolved one way or another. If the mother doesnt want to listen then maybe it needs to be brought to the Fathers attention. The kids are the most vunerable ones in this situation and their welfare needs to come first.