worried for boyfriend, please help

LegacyUser

started seeing this bloke bout 2 months ago, absolutely amazing guy who i love being with and around. i've never felt so relaxed about a relationship or so comfortable around a guy like i do now, he's a really great guy.

he's told me he's really shy and has a low self-image, but that i make him feel confident and more outgoing, which is a compliment i guess. anyway, about two weeks ago, we were out, pretty drunk and we were talking drunk-talk; you know when you open up about everything and speak more honestly than you probably should.

so, he ends up telling me he's been suffering from depression for years and the sole reason he gets up in the morning now is because he's with me.

i can't stop thinking about that. i'm so worried about him, i don't know what to do. i know he won't talk to anyone, so that's no use. but what can i personally do for him???

i went through a period of depression myself for almost a year a good few years back, so i really know what he's going through, i know that rotten feeling that you just want to put the duvet over your head and stay in bed for the day.

so, basically, here's my dilemma, absolutely any advice would be really appreciated...
a) what can i do for him now?
b) what the hell am i gonna do if/when we break up? like, it's going great now, but things happen, and if it comes to it, i would not be able to break up with him at all after what he's said. this is kinda a problem as i am going abroad to australia for a year next summer, which is a long way off i know but......

please help me, thanks.

^CwAzY^

You need to dump him :v: :v: :v: :v: :v:

Vikings

Ask him to go to australia with you, that is if its a viable option - if you want it/he can afford it. It means neither of you will be alone and im sure it will help improve his depression, I mean who wouldn't want to go to oz?

the_syco

so_worried wrote:

so, he ends up telling me he's been suffering from depression for years and the sole reason he gets up in the morning now is because he's with me.

This is emotional blackmail, and is very unfair, as it puts pressure on you to keep the relationship going. If you love each other, thats well and good, but don't keep the relationship going for the above reason only.

Laguna

^CwAzY^ wrote:

You need to dump him :v: :v: :v: :v: :v:

You must be the most supportive partner to your (if you even have one) boyfriend/girlfriend if this is your advice to the OP.

To the OP, I think we've all been depressed at some stage, some of us are quite open with telling new partners, while others would rather keep the despair in our past private. By the guy coming out and saying you are his only reason for getting up in the morning was, in my opinion, quite wrong of him as now he has put immense pressure and guilt on you. If you decided things aren't working out between you for whatever reason in a month or two, you'll remember this comment and start to feel guilty because of it, even though you needn't be.

Bar his insensitive comment (yes, I believe it's insensitive because of my reasons given above), I think you should just carry on (if you want to that is) in the relationship as you were. If you otherwise are having a good time/relationship with the man, all well and good. If his comment has struck a chord with you and you start to feel like he's using you as an emotional crutch, you might have to (for your own sake & happiness) call it a day, you deserve a rewarding relationship like everyone else, not be someone elses emotional support system.

McGinty

So far you're enjoying his company and the relationship, so for now, enjoy it. You can only live day by day, I know it sounds a cliche, but its so true, life can turn upside down tomorrow, so for now, just enjoy now. If you're still enjoying your time with your boyfriend when you go to Oz, ask him to go with you if you want that.

You cannot be responsible for another persons happiness, no matter what, you cannot make another person happy or unhappy, it is their reaction to events that causes their happiness or unhappiness, to believe that you have that power over another smacks of arrogance, but what you can do is share your experience of depression with your boyfriend, tell him that you have some idea of his suffering, but everyone's depression differs in some way so your experience differs from his, but prior to your drink talk, you were enjoying yourself with him, its good he opened to you, it shows trust, continue to enjoy yourself, life will throw enough crap at you, don't look for trouble, just enjoy each moment as it comes, and roll with the punches as they come, if you don't like it walk away.

simu

If he has depression, tell him to go tell his GP about it. You're his gf, not his life-suppost system!

Laguna

McGinty wrote:

You cannot be responsible for another persons happiness, no matter what, you cannot make another person happy or unhappy, it is their reaction to events that causes their happiness or unhappiness

I disagree, I think someone can affect anothers happiness or sadness. What if you were a woman married to an abusive drunk of a husband, who every night would come home and beat you, abuse you and call you every name under the sun and as a result you became deeply depressed and unhappy, I think one can determine what (who) caused the unhappiness within you. If you love someone and show this love for them through taking care of them, romantic gestures or just by supporting them, I think your actions would make your partner happy because of your behaviour.

McGinty wrote:

to believe that you have that power over another smacks of arrogance

Am I, by your beliefs, arrogant for believing this?

fester

the_syco wrote:

This is emotional blackmail, and is very unfair, as it puts pressure on you to keep the relationship going. If you love each other, thats well and good, but don't keep the relationship going for the above reason only.

I agree.

And just because he's not lying in bed doesn't mean he's cured from depression. He'll have to fix that himself. And it may not make any difference whether he's going out with you or not at the time.

Vangelis

Hullo

Apparently, you are the one he cares most about. You give his life meaning and you motivate him to stay alive. This can of course be quite a burden for you and if your relationship does not work out, he could threaten to commit suicide. This is very common. But don't lose hope, just keep this in mind and make sure that you make no rash decisions about leaving him if you eventually do, leaving him yet again hopeless.

But because he has entrusted you this information, cherish that trust and try to persuade him to seek treatment. Psychological treatment is the only option for him in the long run. Support him as much as you are capable of - don't put pressure on yourself.

Tell him you care for him and don't want to lose him to depression or that he might kill himself. It obviously breaks your heart knowing of his sufferings - tell him that.

Best of luck,
Vangelis

The_Conductor

Him telling you the only reason he gets out of the bed in the morning- was for you- is wrong. Irrespective of his frame of mind, it does place an unfair burden on you. That said- I'd have to agree with the others, and suggest you go on much as normal. If something does come up- discuss it in a logical and a reasonable manner.

A lot of people suffer from depression, some long term, some intermittently. Its not a life sentence though- most people who suffer from it manage to live fairly normal lives.

People tend to suffer more from depression around this time of year- while very few people will admit it, the shortening of the days does have a psychological impact on almost everybody. Gently suggesting going on walks during daylight and other activities that get you out into the limited sunshine- could possibly make a positive impact on your b/f.

All of that said- depression, while rarely recognised as such, is a medical illness and should be treated as such. If his condition/behaviour deteriorates I would seriously advise gently talking him into at very least attending his GP.

His statement, while ill advised, at very least shows he is being honest with you and is open to discussing things with you. I know its not what you signed up to when you started to be his g/f- but there are always little things about people that get hidden away. Irrespective of what you decide to do- he is another human being- be kind and measured in whatever you decide to do.

Chucky the tree

dump him now. The chaps clearly a needy bastard.


If hes already telling you that he only gets out of bed because of you its jsut crazy. Hes basically blackmailing into you not dumping him in the future. Its not good.

Hes clearly not right i nthe noggin, so get out while you can is my advice.

LegacyUser

thank you all so much for your advice, i really appreciate it. thanks

THINKiknowitall

^CwAzY^ wrote:

You need to dump him :v: :v: :v: :v: :v:

great advice.

Laguna wrote:

I disagree, I think someone can affect anothers happiness or sadness. What if you were a woman married to an abusive drunk of a husband, who every night would come home and beat you, abuse you and call you every name under the sun and as a result you became deeply depressed and unhappy, I think one can determine what (who) caused the unhappiness within you. If you love someone and show this love for them through taking care of them, romantic gestures or just by supporting them, I think your actions would make your partner happy because of your behaviour.

What if you were a son of an abusive drunk, who every night would come home and beat you,your mother and brother, abuse you and call you every name under the sun and as a result you became deeply depressed and unhappy, I think one can determine what,(who), caused the unhappiness within you.

i used to hear him when i came home from school kicking sh*t out of my mother and i`d sit on the door-step crying, afraid to go in home.
the physical abuse is nothing and gone but my mental torture and memories of it, aren`t.

i have been depressed for as long as i can remember, have no good childhood memories.
i tried to top myself at one stage but was brought to hospital in time.(for which i am truly glad for)
i am still depressed to an extent and have severe sleep problems (as you can see from the time i`m replying to you!!!)

anyway, a few years back, met the girl of my dreams.
going out for a few weeks and we were both fairly hammered and i told her what your BF told you and how i felt.
i had never told anyone how i felt before and it was like i trusted her enough out of anyone,(even close friends, hadn`t an inkling), to tell her.

she said she`d stand by me and help me anyway possible and this after only about 5 weeks.
i wasn`t trying to emotionally blackmail her to make her stay with me, i was just pissed and let my guard down, to which, i`d never done before.
everyone i know would`ve said i was one of the happiest, easy-going fella you could meet.
if she dumped me the next day, i wouldn`t have done anything drastic but woulda probably ended up more depressed!

5 years on and i feel a lot better about myself. not 100% but as good as i`m gonna get!
even though she can piss me off at times (and me to her!) we`re still together after my drunken blurb!

only you know or have an idea, for a fact, and no-one else on this board, the reason he told you but i reckon give him time and if your relationship blossoms so should his mental well-being.

as for australia.
invite him along if you intend to stay with him long-term.
if you feel your gonna dump him when you go, just do it now, make it less hurtful than after a sustained relationship.
if he has no interest in going with you, well, that`s his perogative.

sorry for the long-winded post but it really did hit a nerve with me.

THINKiknowitall.

THINKiknowitall

Chucky the tree wrote:

dump him now. The chaps clearly a needy bastard.


If hes already telling you that he only gets out of bed because of you its jsut crazy. Hes basically blackmailing into you not dumping him in the future. Its not good.

Hes clearly not right i nthe noggin, so get out while you can is my advice.

please click here for another point of view on this subject.

i`d also like you to take note of Mcginty`s comment below.

McGinty wrote:

but prior to your drink talk, you were enjoying yourself with him, its good he opened to you, it shows trust, continue to enjoy yourself, life will throw enough crap at you, don't look for trouble, just enjoy each moment as it comes, and roll with the punches as they come, if you don't like it walk away.

i could be totally wrong and he could be emotionally blackmailing you but i can see the flip side but as i said earlier, you and only you and no-one else on the board knows who or what type person he is.

Nevyn

THINKiknowitall
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chuci

McGinty wrote:

You cannot be responsible for another persons happiness, no matter what, you cannot make another person happy or unhappy, it is their reaction to events that causes their happiness or unhappiness,

thats not very fair of course if you are going out with someone you have the power to make them feel happy or not you can make them miserable if you do something bad to them and can make them happy if you do something nice. well at least thats how i thought thats how relationships work, i know mine does that way. whether its wrong i dont know but it works for us.

anyway back to the op i agree with th comment that your his girlf and not his life support but at the same time you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. you said that he didnt/ wouldnt see someone about the depression. ask him why maybe he feels like its admitting defeat (i know thats how it felt for me). try to talk him round its the best thing you can do. as for telling you that our the only reason why he gets out of bed in the morning was a bit much for you to take on and very unfair to say something like that so tell him it mad you feel uncomfortable and worried you a little , (it was said when ye were drunk, its not that uncommon we all say stupid stuff)

as for oz dont worry bout it yet till it comes around sure things may be totally diff then. and if you see this as a long term thing then you should ask him along if you feel comfortable doing that.

best of luck

b3t4

Have you told him how you feel he has placed a huge burden on you?
Have you told him about you're fears?

Drunk talk is all well and good but most of the time it all comes out in a manner which you didn't mean it to. Talking thinks through sober may be the way forward.

A.

snowqueen

i knew sum 1 in a similar position. dont let him get to dependant on you because its not fair on you or him in the long run

Victor

^CwAzY^, not fair.

so_worried wrote:

so, he ends up telling me he's been suffering from depression for years and the sole reason he gets up in the morning now is because he's with me.

I think people are reading a bit much into this. While I think you should be conscious of emotional blackmail, I suspect the motivation may have been to compliment you.

I remember explaining to a guy that I suffered from depression. He was half cut and ended the night more depressed than me.

The only reason I got out of bed yesterday was to get a drink of water. It doesn't mean I'm goign to spend the rest of my life drinking.

[Jackass]

It was just a drunken comment...I don't think you are actually keeping him going from day to day! He was probably just really drunk and really emotional.

This thread makes me shake my head though in pure disapointment. Anybody who has sufferd from, or has someone they love suffer from depression will tell you that it's not something people can understand, and you can't always choose the way you feel.

It's such a shame people attach such stigma to a mental disease that is treatable, and dosen't mean someone's weird or a psycho or whatever...Jeez :rolleyes:

But that's life I guess, and ignorance will always play a big role in it.