The ancient and holier than thou art of meeting with the opposite sex.

paulinimus

Ok, Im new here so I hope all this hasn't already been covered. Im sure it has many times but anyway here goes...

Im just finished my lunch break at work. I went for a coffee with 2 colleagues in the local coffee shop - bon espresso..
We sat down. Dont go there often. There was a girl there I liked and I couldn't help but look at her (probably making it blantantly obvious).
But what the $&@* do you do...? Really?
I'm sure Im not the only one who wants to know. It happens too often. If you go to a nightclub you dont ever seem to see the kinds of women you fance - usually just a pack of girls looking to get their bit and vice versa. Or else just a pack of girls out flirting beacause they already regularly get their bit and like to rub it in. Yes, I know there are all kinds of different people there, and a nightclub is not a place to meet people.

But, I cannot say I have regrets about the coffee incident or any others.
I go in there with stuff on my mind and barely able to relax enough to enjoy my coffee. Confronting a girl in this frame of mind could only end badly I feel. (although if it works for you keep it up! and let me know!!)
You could smile and wave at them but will they see the humour of it or will they think you are retarded. And what about on the street. Tell me ladies..
If someone relatively respectable comes up to you on the street and starts a conversation would you give them the time of day?

I just have no idea how to go about meeting people anymore. I thought about taking up a hoby like a martial art or something but in my experience this just narrows your interaction with people - that way you are only with a small group of people and in all probability you will not fancy any of them.

For me it's all about first impressions. I stand by this. There is an enormous wave of information about someone when you see them - what clothes they wear - casual or authentic, what way they have their hair,, even personality I feel..

I was on the verge of trying internet dating recently but I was put off by the types of questions asked on-line. Im not afraid of my flaws. I am a fairly confident type and qualified..blah...blah - but for me the questions you answer to make your profile dont give me any indication of whether you would fancy them. What car do you drive? Come on - there's a saying that your choice of car says allot about you but really - it says more about how much money you have and actually the person who designed that particular model of car is the only person who truly has that taste in cars....

Another question was what hobbies you have and there are a whole lot of premade boxes.. How is this that much use. I believe a good relationship can have opposites attracted to each other - that way you both enjoy youre differences rather than just consolidating the similarites you know you have, boring.

So, on-line dating repelled me prety quickly. Im a bit trumped. What does a man do?

paulinimus

Nothing to see here apparently, move along...

I am in my own little abstract cell of self torment and/or bamboozlement..

woosaysdan

what a strange world you live in!!!

I'd try posting this in the personal issues forum. might get more response!

Spalk0

Not sure exactly what to tell ya chief!Except i think a lot of blokes are in the same position!
I should think depending on the place(whether its a relaxed environment) or the nature of the person on whether its ok to just go up and chat to them or not!I should think that most people are receptive to find out what a persons about first off!

ven0m

I don't think there's an exact science to it mate. I met my girlfriend (for how much longer that remains to be seen, but that's another story for another day for another thread for another forum! :mad: ) when I was least expecting it & through the 'friend of a friend'. To be honest - I don't think there's a definitive way of meeting people..... I think sometimes it happens @ the wierdest of times & places, or sometimes just through sheer chance or whatever you wanna call it.....

Two thinks I do know are:

(1) you've nothing to ever lose by taking a chance- least one way or the other you know... Regret for me is a bigger pain in the ass than gettign shot down, so you may as well take a chance, see what happens & if it doesn't work - phhhfff, move on....

and

(2) You can't go looking for it - for some strange assed reason it's like it knows where you are & eventually turns up like a puppy at mealtime.... I'll never get used to that one, on't think you're ever supposed to!!!



::: vem0mous :::

WhiteWashMan

what would you like to do?

paulinimus

ven0m wrote:

(2) You can't go looking for it - for some strange assed reason it's like it knows where you are & eventually turns up like a puppy at mealtime.... I'll never get used to that one, on't think you're ever supposed to!!!

Yea, I think that's deffinately true. Part of me wants to save all my money and by an old ferrari and cruise off into the sunset with my leather jacket and pick women up all over the world..really..I'm not sure I any longer want the "immortality" of 2.5 kids and life-consuming mortgage. I believe I should do exactly as you say. Just let the puppy come if its gonna come, then sell the "hypothetical" car and lose the lifestyle..I could do that...

simu

When you're stuck, ask yourself what would Jesus do?

Answer: He'd forget about women and get ready to die for humanity.

Hmm, maybe not so helpful for you unless you're a son of God.

Do a search in PI with the keywords "girl" and "like" - you'll find many more in your situation and the advice they received.

Victor

paulinimus wrote:

But what the $&@* do you do...? Really?

You smile and say "hi" and see if there's a response.

/me got free muffins the other day

simu

Victor wrote:

You smile and say "hi" and see if there's a response.

/me got free muffins the other day

Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

But yes, saying hello isn't such a bad thing even if it's not done much in Ireland. If it's going well, ask the person out for a coffee or something. It mightn't work in all cases but you'll get lucky eventually.

Victor

simu wrote:

Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

I'm hardly a kid.

This 4 times.

b3t4

Saying hello to a person surely can't do any harm can it? A warm smile in response is all you need to see if they're willing to partake in a conversation and sure who knows what could happen after that.

A.

Zombienosh

Victor wrote:

You smile and say "hi" and see if there's a response.

/me got free muffins the other day

yeah exactly how about saying hi
theres gonna be some topic floating around too wheters its the crappy weather or something like that, anything stupid to break the ice or crack a joke about.......the rest falls into place

Selik

In reference to your issue with approaching a girl in a coffee shop for example...

As long as you're prepared this should work a treat - bring a large slab of ice and a sharpish heavy tool into the shop with you, go up to girl at the table and smile as you place the slad of ice on it in front of her, take out tool and smash ice as best and most stylishly as you possibly can! Then introduce yourself while explaining that you were just "breaking the ice" with her before saying anything!!!

If she doesn't laugh at that then she's about as exciting as a wet fish.

Disclaimer: This method could also end up with one being subjected to unrelentless ridicule...

anothervictim

I'd say to the orig poster that I think a lot of fellas feel this way. Like you're walkin down the street at lunchtime and you see beautiful college girl and you just feel...... ajahfgber@#@#;[ve8rynpwung.... why cant i do anything!!! Its tough. I agree nightclubs are **** for meeting people. 1. its too dark 2. the music's too loud and crap. I searched the net for tips and stuff but all you're really gonta get is some american fella who claims to get like 30 numbers a day and then he tries to sell you his book! Plus, we live in a different society here. I just fear the fact that she'll think your mad and weird for trying to chat her up say in the middle of the day on a weekday. Plus the whole thing kinda feels like you're actin out some scene frm a cheesy romance film. there's this idea thats kinda implanted (with me anyway) that you can only try to pick up on the weekends when your out drinkin! Anyway, I obviously can't give you any advice. Just lettin you know that I think I'm in the same boat. maybe that helps a bit, i dunno. I'd definately like to here some women's views on this type a thing...

tk123

hey paulinimus you dont work in East Point do you cos there's a bon expresso there?!...Anyhoos most people go for a coffee around the same time everyday well I do anyways. Why dont you just go back to the coffee shop at the same time and see if shes there - get a coffee at the same time as her pass her the choc spinkles or a lid or something. Keep doin this everyday for a while until you're brave enough to start a conversation eg "are there any marshmellows left/how comes they dont have marshmellows here any more" etc etc If she stops coming to the coffee shopey then she's not interested and is trying to avoid you...

logic1

tk123 wrote:

hey paulinimus you dont work in East Point do you cos there's a bon expresso there?!...

I do and get about 4 coffees a day from that coffee shop by the centra!

The other one at the back of the park makes the nastiest coffee I've ever tasted.

Nothing else to add really..

.logic.

Mutant_Fruit

Nothing to add to the thread, but istead to comment on a sig i saw here...

I wish the milkman would deliver my milk in the morning.

I would like some milk, from the milkmans wifes' tits.

they're lyrics from a "song" dammit!

tk123

logic1 wrote:

I do and get about 4 coffees a day from that coffee shop by the centra!

The other one at the back of the park makes the nastiest coffee I've ever tasted.

.logic.

Yeah munchies/rokoko coffee is puke!! Theres just something thats not right abt it!!! To original poster - if you DO work in easties let us all know - me and logic can play matchmaker for ya!! Whaddya say logic?

Victor

cop on mutant

Ren0

paulinimus wrote:

There was a girl there I liked and I couldn't help but look at her (probably making it blantantly obvious).
But what the $&@* do you do...? Really?

Firstly i would like to say i don't really know what i'm talking about, i couldn't pull in a brothel.

Anyway, from what i've been told u have to go over and talk to women, but if you are like me then you won't do that.

I myself am not a hunter, i am a trapper.

If you happen to notice a girl looking over then keep up the eye contact and then give her a little smile and if she's interested she'll probably come over.

This is what i call my theory of woman being braver than men. In my experience women do come over.

If that fails ask antisocialiser, that man could pull in a nunnery.

Mr.Nice Guy

Ren0 wrote:

If you happen to notice a girl looking over then keep up the eye contact and then give her a little smile and if she's interested she'll probably come over.

Dunno about that.Most women expect the guy to make the move.Eye contact and a smile are important but there's no harm in then trying a wave.Most girls will wave back and that's your cue to approach.Batter up!

the_syco

[url=http://www.datingclass.com/successful/get-girls-talk.shtml]Dating Secrets[/url] wrote:

Probably the single best way to get a conversation going with girls is to use PEOPLE TALK. Girls are naturally nosy and natural gossips. (Just look at the gossip stories in the mags they read.) So your opening chat should be about people - YOU and YOURS, HER and HERS, THEM and THEIRS. 1 don't know any girl who isn't interested in this sort of thing ! Try and get the balance just right. Too much about her seems nosy. Too much about you and you could appear big-headed .

Here are some good other subjects to talk about

Films
Music
TV
Holidays
Hobbies
The News - Scandal and gossip stuff , not serious .
Work
Well known people.
Pets
Clothes/Fashion

What NOT to say : Anything she's unlikely to be interested in, e.g. football. No problems, moans or complaints. Stay away from those boring, worn-out openers like the time or the weather.

The next important technique you must use is to avoid asking her QUESTIONS which can be answered with 'YES' or 'NO'. If she just answers 'no' and your nerve breaks then you've virtually blown it. It's far better to say something to which she has to give a proper answer. Then USE THAT ANSWER TO BASE YOUR NEXT BIT OF CHAT ON. This way you should never be stuck for something to say because she will tell you what she wants to talk about without even realising it !

:cool:

Sleepy

tk123 wrote:

Yeah munchies/rokoko coffee is puke!! Theres just something thats not right abt it!!! To original poster - if you DO work in easties let us all know - me and logic can play matchmaker for ya!! Whaddya say logic?

What are the odds that you're the girl in question tk123?

Ren0

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Dunno about that.Most women expect the guy to make the move.Eye contact and a smile are important but there's no harm in then trying a wave.Most girls will wave back and that's your cue to approach.Batter up!

I've never approached a woman before, they come to me and i don't know why cos i'm not good looking and i weigh as much as 2 people. Most have them have been quite/realy good looking and only a small number have been drunk.

i'm gona pit it down to the eye contact thing.

ven0m

Ren0 wrote:

I've never approached a woman before, they come to me and i don't know why cos i'm not good looking and i weigh as much as 2 people. Most have them have been quite/realy good looking and only a small number have been drunk.

i'm gona pit it down to the eye contact thing.

I used to do the whole 'wait for the woman to come over' thing & try the eye contact lark too. I got pissed off with not pulling in two years, so I tried the opposite approach & going over, being bold, making the first move & the end result being I'm seeing the girl over 2 months..... way wierd - why the heck didn't I try this sooner??? LOL


::: ven0mous :::

Ren0

Seems the approach girls plan works for some but not for me


Why!?

A: I'm not very good looking
B: I am quite "heavy"
C: Maybe i haven't met the rite girl (about 2 months ago i did but she only wnated to be friends)

Lifes tough like that so i just live with it and accept who i am and what i look like.

ven0m

Ren0 wrote:

Seems the approach girls plan works for some but not for me


Why!?

A: I'm not very good looking
B: I am quite "heavy"
C: Maybe i haven't met the rite girl (about 2 months ago i did but she only wnated to be friends)

Lifes tough like that so i just live with it and accept who i am and what i look like.

Dude - I'm not exactly small neither, & wouldn't class myself as good looking (although every woman I meet says I am??? ARE THEY MENTAL OR SUFFERING FROM STEVIE-WONDER-ISM???!!!???!!!).

My own g/f & I finished yesterday cos she 'wants to be friends' & I thought SHE was the right girl..... funny how 2+ months of being with a person can end..... :rolleyes:

As much as I really don't wanna say this cos I sure as **** don't believe it in my own head right now - I am a man, I got a rod & I SHOULD go fishing.... but I know I won't..... I made the mistake of falling for her, so now I got some 'clean-up' to do before I can even go down that road....

Hang in there dude - sh1t does get better, well I hope it does, otherwise I've been advising ppl total pigswill for too long & not believing your own words is NOT good.....


::: ven0mous :::

The Corinthian

Professional seduction is a calculated and cold-blooded affair dressed up as hot-blooded and chaotic passion. You’re hardly going to impart it here.

However, if - as either a man or woman - you want a first principle, it’s actually quite simple: Assume that every woman (or man) finds you attractive. If you can convince yourself of that, the rest is actually quite easy.

Sleepy

The Corinthian wrote:

Assume that every woman (or man) finds you attractive. If you can convince yourself of that, the rest is actually quite easy.

And once you've gotten to the point where you can change the word "or" to "and", you've got it cracked.

b3t4

anothervictim wrote:

I'd say to the orig poster that I think a lot of fellas feel this way.

I have found this to be very prevalent amongst Irish men. A couple, if not all, of guys who have chatted me up during the daytime have been people who are not from Ireland. Irish men appear only capable of trying to chat me up if a) they are drunk b) I make the first move.

A.

BEAT

to the original poster:

Do what I do, tell yourself : You only live once, what have you really got to lose anyway? I follow my heart and have no regrets...hey I have been rejected 3 times this week alone! :eek: and I am okay with that, not everyone you like is going to feel the same about you. It is just a part of life, let the rejections roll off your back...if you keep it up eventually someone will show interest.
If you give up you'll be alone forever...I dont plan on giving up

Life is too short, do what makes you happy

Ali Cat

I think that this form of basic shyness amoung both sexes is responsible for a lot of people being single. If I approach a guy, I'll generally be successful getting their number or asking them out or whatever, but I still rarely have the confidence to do so. And as a female I would welcome conversation with some one who had the courage to approach a stranger, as long as they're not sleazy I think that it's something that doesn't happen enough.

ando

Ren0 wrote:

I've never approached a woman before, they come to me and i don't know why cos i'm not good looking and i weigh as much as 2 people

god dammit someone follow this guy around for 1 night on the town and see what his secret is, and then share it with us lol

WhiteWashMan

b3t4 wrote:

I have found this to be very prevalent amongst Irish men. A couple, if not all, of guys who have chatted me up during the daytime have been people who are not from Ireland. Irish men appear only capable of trying to chat me up if a) they are drunk b) I make the first move.

A.

hehehe.

its true.
i think the majority of irish mean are exceedingly inhibited.
as someone said to me once, 'ireland is the only place i know where is a man wonders up and asks you if you want a beer, and you say no thanks, they will tell you that youre not that!'
like you said no coz you are a stuck up prig. not because you were waiting for someone.
and its true.

the way to a woman is simply to talk to them and be confident. **** is correct, if you think youre attractive, then other people will think youa re attractive (note, this doesnt always work )
but people like other people who are confident

Mr.Nice Guy

WhiteWashMan wrote:

the way to a woman is simply to talk to them and be confident. **** is correct, if you think youre attractive, then other people will think youa re attractive (note, this doesnt always work )
but people like other people who are confident

Yes confidence is very important.I find the hardest part is trying to think of a way to break the ice however in reality what you say really doesn't matter that much as she will keep the conversation going if she is interested.
I recently had a great three hour conversation with a girl that stemmed from me asking if she had been to a lecture that I'd missed.Bottom line is say anything rather than nothing.

logic1

tk123 wrote:

Yeah munchies/rokoko coffee is puke!! Theres just something thats not right abt it!!! To original poster - if you DO work in easties let us all know - me and logic can play matchmaker for ya!! Whaddya say logic?

Yeah defo not a problem. There's a cute black haired girl over there about 10:45'ish every day actually, I'll talk to her on the pretence of setting you up then try score her myself!



.logic.

Blitzkrieger

It'll all end in tears......


Eye contact and a smile are so important when you first see someone. If you don't get it from her; don't even bother. Likewise if you don't respond with the same (glumly staring into the middle distance is the default mode for men) she won't think you're interested. Starting coversation is tougher (this is where I fall flat on my face). The trick is to be upbeat and positive and ask questions with no yes/no answers. Indirect compliments are good too. E.g. : "This is a great pub; not at all a cattle-mart" will be interpeted as complimenting her taste.

combs

I'd like to add that all the advice in this thread - which all amounts to the same "just be nice and say hello" - should be ignored. Your first instinct (that the person will balk or think you're a fruitcake) is correct. Approach them and say hello and they will look all funny and sour like you've just spat in their tea. And why is it hard to think of something to say in the first place? Because there is nothing to say; no common ground.

If someone told me they actually left the confines of their own mind for a moment and turned to talk to a stranger of their preferred sex, I'd have to call that person a liar. I've never seen it happen and I'll be damned if I believe it can happen. We are all locked in our own private misery and the only company you have is yourself. It's not nice but it's true.

To the first poster in this thread: What you are experiencing is not unique. In fact it is far too common. I'd go so far as to say it's normal. My advice is to get used to it as quickly as you can for there is no alternative.

tk123

Sleepy wrote:

What are the odds that you're the girl in question tk123?

Ah but paulinimus never said if he worked in East Point or not!!