An honest opinion?

james_d_23

hi,i just wrote this an was wondering if you's could give your honest opinions on this,if you dont like it please just say id prefer it that way, Thanks..


A thought came.
A being might one day find me, and he would ask me to show him what was
death and what was life. It would be the end of summer, the long
grasses yellowed, and the slightest cold breeze cutting through the
warm light. I would take his hand and lead him to a place by the sea,
north of the city. Perhaps he would wait to see war, violence, fire...
and tears. Or childbirth, school, people at work and money.

But I wouldn't show him that, just take his hand and lead him where I
wished. A small estate. I would take him to a nameless road, like any
other, with great maple trees like soldiers standing forever still at
either side. I would point up to the falling yellow leaves and say
This is Death, and he would understand. He would understand why he saw this
first, and he would understand how tiny it really is.

We would walk on the grey path, and look at the windows of the uniform
houses. A man standing over a boy, beating him with a kitchen chair,
shouting. The boy would flee, perhaps only to the tainted sanctity of
his room, and turn his carving knife over and over in his palm. Over
and over... A woman tracing words out with her tongue on her lover’s
naked chest, laughing in the afternoon by the bedroom window. A
giggling child chasing a ball out under a passing car, the young man
driving happily home to his new wife, and I would say Look to the man
with no living left in his life, not he who knew only simple joy… never
what it really is to be. A girl no older than we, laying in her bed as
the boy she had loved held her down and cast away her innocence, taking
her secret places without her consent... only her watery silence. A
tired but kind faced old man reading to his grandchildren in the
evening, fairy tales that meant so little then.

Every house with it's own intimacies. Reaching the end of the road, I
would turn and gesture lightly with my hand, as though it were nothing,
and say This is Life. And he would understand. He would understand that
to we two, it really was nothing. He would understand that to those few
people, it was everything. And he would understand that I could not
show him Life, only what Life is to me. And I need never say as much to
him.

He would know the boy would learn to bleed by his own hand and his
fathers. The lovers would find the time passing did not wither their
merriment, but only spawn in them the knowledge of new things to share
on hazy afternoons. The man would wake night after night to a laughing
child wanting his ball, and he would stand by his own boys’ crib and
weep in the lamplight. The young girl would become a lonely woman, and never realise the injustice until perhaps it was too late. Children
would grow and find happiness in warm and weary faces, and be forever
leaving a trail of breadcrumbs... It will all come to be as falling
yellow leaves.

And only we two will understand. You must understand.

Tusky

Theres a creative writing forum buddy - Arts >> Creative writing.

parker larkin

The question has to be asked, why do you care what people on the Internet think?

Feedback is one thing, but be your own person in what you want to write.

is_that_so

Yes this should be in creative writing but since you ask...... It needs serious rewriting. Internal dialogue needs a structure and a purpose. Very few of us are James Joyce. Creative Writing forums instead. Best of luck with your writing.

OfflerCrocGod

is_that_so wrote:

Very few of us are James Joyce.

True very few of us can write so badly.

Rossonero

I think it's very good!

I always try to write, but, I write things and then lock it up and hide it away. Only I read it.

RE*AC*TOR

yeah should be moved to creative writing...
Lolth?

LoLth

sorry for the delay.

moved to creative writing.

Rander00, how about a reason? just saying it's **** doesnt work. the very fact that you can go to the bother of posting but cant actually bring yourself to read more than a few lines before making a decision would suggest that you sir = troll. I'll be keeping an eye on you in future.

and bypassing the censor to post a banned word has earned you a week's ban.

BEAT

yes this definitly belongs here, I actually like it very much.
I like how you put it togther and the feeling you get while reading it. If you want to share anymore of your writing please post in this forum...we will give you our honest opinion

edibility

I really really like that the ideas within it are great, and the way you tried to portray life, especially the idea of the leaf falling from a tree being death...great stuff

Vamp IRL

great writing got any more we can read if it's on another forum could u post a link

MojoMaker

Lovely piece James. Really refreshing to see someone tackle the much more difficult medium of prose without trying to be enigmatic for it's own sake. Nicely written. I would suggest you review the piece and remove every cliche you come across though, nothing spoils a piece more than an author trying to wring too much bling out of their work. Always, always, always go simple...one word instead of 10, as long as it's the right word.

The style and length would be suitable for submission to a range of magazines as what we call a 'clip'. If you have the witers yearbook you could thumb through some of the general interest magazines for some contacts. You might try submitting to the Village at www.villagemagazine.ie and possibly Backpackers magazine. They like to give a voice to aspiring contributors on an ad-hoc basis.

You've got some modifications to do certainly but as a draft it's an excellent piece in it's current form.

Lilliput Girl

I think it's really really good. I would love to be able to write like that. You have some very meaningful things in there but I think someone said before about a few cliches here and there. Apart from that...CLASS STUFF!!!!