a guy in trouble, and needs help.

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

hi lads....
ive got nothign to hide...
so i wont bother hiding my name.


ok, my name is mike.
im 20 now.
i have been with a girl ( vanessa 18 ) for well over 1 year now.
since august 2nd last year.
w started going out then. we jumped into the deep end, when she fell pregnant. we are engaged aswell.
since we found out alex ( our son ) would be born, we have been fighting on / off usually 2 - 3 times a week.
both petty arguments and serious fights.

her dad made her go on social welfare.
which put me in an awkward position, because i had to only see my son 2 nights and 2 days a week.
basically, he ran her life. not herself...
i always asked her to stand up to him... but she didnt.
but thats not the problem... well, it caused a few fights...

we moved into a house together, in town. 3 bed house, loads of room, and were getin on a little better...
but we still have petty fights...
since we started going out, she has dumped me over 50 times. and then says sorry 1 - 2 days later, and since i love her so much, we get back together.
i do love her. with all my heart.
but i honestly dont know what to do anymore.
is it hopeless? she turned around to me last night when i got in from work, and nthing had changed in the house,
( i never expect her to do house work. ) EVER.
but she could at least clean up an odd time, she doesnt work!
but i didnt say anything.
i cleaned up the kitchen, bedroom, and sitting room.
alex woke up, so i fed him, changed him, and rocked him abck to sleep after an hour...
then she came over to me. kissed me, and said i dont think its working out. if we have 1 more of these fights, i dont think i can continue with our relationship...

she walked away, and went texting a friend of "mine" who she got talking to last week.
he is like my best friend, and she text's him all the time now..
constantly...
i dont mind that. never have...
vanessa cheated on me once. and i took her back. i forgave her.

but now, all i feel like is im being used over and over.
should i change my ways?
should i leave her and just see alex when its decided by a solocitor?
or shud i bear it out and see what happens?
i love her a lot. but not as much as i use to.

alex isnt the problem in the relationship.
he holds us together a lot of the times.

any advise for a guy in trouble?

my friends tell me, i should leave her, be happy, and see other people. ive had several advances, from close friends aswell. who i always wanted to go out with lately, and im being told go for it. vanessa will be happy, she will meet other's too...

what shud i do? im lost. i cant just dump her.. can i?
i cant stand to see her cry over anything...

snorlax

it sounds like you really love this girl and maybe she sees that,takes you for granted, and possibly takes advantage of the suituation, eg is not pulling her weight around the house and stuff.

do you deserved to be treated in such a way that a)she cheats on you(and you take her back) b) broken up with you 50 times c)dosnt pull her weight and do a fair share of work, including looking after her own baby or d)is obsessively texting your best friend (probably to make u jealous and keep you loyally by her side)?

the question you must ask yourself is are you still with her cos you truely love her, or are you with her for the babys sake? if its that later its probably not a good idea to bring up a baby in an environment where people are always fighting as it can make them insecure adults when they'r older.
there's no point hanging around if its not an equal partnership. your friends are right, be happy and do what your know is right for your own future( your still very young! and im also sure youll will meet a girl sometime in the future who will appreciate your sensitivity and loyalty.

mad m

Your both still young!

I think deep down you know what probably lies ahead and its hard accepting the inevitable.Even coming on here looking for advice says alot,your going to go radio rental staying in a yo yo situation and walking on eggs is not acceptable.Your trying your best to keep things all A ok by doing house work and not moaning and i think your girlfriend knows this.

staying together because you have a child for sake of child will not work either if only one wants to be with the other.Your Alex will pick up on the atmosphere in house and babys need a stable envoirment,so fighting around him or in presence could be upsetting him without you realising....

hope it works out

goodluck

Ren0

It sounds like she kinda wants out of the relationship.

She has broke up with U 50 times in about 16 months?

She seems to be underserving of you. The bad thing is that you love her and i'm pretty sure she'll get Alex if u break up (her being the mother) even tho she has no job and is creating the problems in the relationship.

Mr. Presentable

As a previous poster said, you are still young.

Walk away. A whole life is too long to be miserable, and that's what you're looking at.

A little pain in the short term. Seriously, you are being psychologically and emotionally abused. Get out. Now.

tinkerbell

A healthy relationship should not have fights and break-ups. Being in love should make you happy, not make you cry.

Tiriel

I hope that this is bothering her as much as this is bothering you. It sounds like she feels totally in control of the relationship and undermines your input. She needs a big wake-up call. she has it too easy and needs to know how lucky she is to have someone willing to do as much as you do for her. U need to reassess the situation.. and think about your own future. I know u just wish she could see how this is making you feel and change her attitude.

I really hope this works out for you both, as I'm sure u could be happy if she just woke up and realised how good things could be. Otherwise, live your own life to the full and don't have any regrets. As the saying goes.. If something ain't broke don't fix it.. but when it is broken.. you gotta do something before it all blows up!!

Bri

My 2cs would be to look after yourself and your kid. If that means leaving custody in the hands of a solicitor etc. then do so. Only reason not to get out of that situation is if you really think she still won't pull her own weight without you there (dunno but sounds like she's like that becaues your willing to do things) and if your worried that'll affected your kid.

Growing up with 1 parent without fighting isn't a recepie for disaster at all, although he'll undeniably miss out a bit - nothing compared to growing up with constant tension and instability.

Good luck!

Frank Drebin

Sounds to me like she's taking advantage of your good nature mate. If you don't put your foot down it will go on forever or she'll end up hurting you bad.

I hope you sort this. I really do!

boomdogman

Mike I am so sorry for you.

You are a very nice guy in a cruel rotten situation.
She does nothing around the home, she has cheated on you and is now at least mentally unfaithfull with your best friend.

You posted here because you know this is the pits. You know in your heart you must get out. You are unlikely to get custody of your son. In fact you will have to fight for even limited nights /days.
Thats in the future. For now you must decide.
How much of this womens use and abuse will you put up with?
See a solicitor. Fast

My best friend went down this road this year, baby, marriage, bust up. I know the pain, the depression the self loathing.
You are a good guy. You will recover. Be strong.

Seraphina

yeah she's treating you like crap man, not pulling her weight at all. dump her tbh, she's only gonna leech off you all she can.

see a solicitor, discuss the situation, your gf's ongoing lack of work, lack of care for your child etc. if you want custody of Alex.

solas

hey Mike,

In a way I hope that you haven't put down a mortgage on that three bedroomed huose you moved into.
20 is so very young to have so many responsibilities, I think you know this is true for your girlfriend too.
I can understand her father wanting to do his best by her as in his eyes, she is still his little girl and he is keen to take on some of her responsibilities, which you really should take advantage of.
I don't mean for you to walk away thinking that your not needed but to make the most of the support that family provides.
I sincerely think you are both in this relationship because of the child, as much as I admire your commitment to it, if it's not where you are supposed to be, no one is going to be happy and people will get hurt.
I understand that to not be in it you might feel would only serve to put you in a place where you think you have failed by your child but I have to tell you this isn't true.
Be good to yourself, children cannot be happy if their parents aren't either.
You sound like you have a decent head on your shoulders though, I wish you the best.

aqualiz

I think you need a little time away from the situation in order to get your emotions together and look at the state of affairs more objectively. It sounds as if you have been on an emotional roller coaster .

The conflicting signals given out by your partner are disturbing and I expect that you are finding diffuculty in making sense of them.

Have some time by yourself away from all of them for a short period of time.
Do something that you enjoy and in the end do what really feels right. Do not rush into anything at this moment.

Good luck
Its difficult

Nasty_Girl

Sounds to me like this girl is all over the place. I think maybe she has father issues, he runs/ran her life and while she expects you to do everything for her she takes out her frustration at the lack of freedom on you too by dumping you and cheating on you. It gives her a sense of power because she has bee made to feel (or made herself feel) like she is a lesser person because other ppl (ie her da) were always so quick to sort those things out for her and save her from having to make hard decsions. Also she probably feels like she's lost any control of her life she had since your baby was born. I'm not excusing her behaviour or anything, I just think that maybe she is a little immature.
If I'm right, which I mightn't be, then none of this is your fault and she needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own two feet so maybe the best thing you can do is leave her to sort herself out, she'll never be a better person when you are there to give in to her.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

chump

you need to make a list of things you want, your demands so to speak, and if they aren't met or ye cant reach a fair compromise over the next few weeks/months .. you need to walk...

hshortt

Communication.

Can you guys sit together and work out what's causing the problems then try to solve them one at time?

You love her right? Then try, try and try again. There's no single 'one size fits all' magic formula for relationships. They all have ups and downs.

If you can't communicate alone together, then get some help. But do try to work it out. I understand you have lots of issues, raising a child when you are young is very difficult. I was 21 when I had my first, so I speak from experience. Hopefully, you'll both look back laughing in ten years time and wonder about it all.

Best of luck.

flyinfishmonkey

I know you're not married to her Mike but I would suggest that if you really want to make a final go of it then the easiest way of judging her feeling on it working would be for you to both go to Counscelling together. You never know, it might even help her bring out the bad feelings she has about her Dad and maybe she could be helped overcome them, hence letting you two finally work together as a true couple. If she says no to it, then I suggest you bite the bullet and tell her you want to seperate for a period of time, say, 3 months and see if she comes running back to you... If not then, sad as it may be, she ain't worth your time! Sorry to hear there is a child involved in this too but growing up in the current climate is going to warp him in years to come. Best of luck with whatever you do!

Victor

Walk away.

That might be a bit premature.

You are both still young and while you are both in a situation above your years, you both seem to have managed your responsibilities somewhat responsibly.

Now the fighting isn't good, not for you, not for Vanessa, not for Alex.

A few things come to mind. Relationship counselling might be a very good idea. It doesn't commit anyone to anything just yet and might help you both work off a few of your frustrations.

Secondly, you both sound like you both need a break. Is it possible for you / her / 3 of you to get some sort of holiday or trip? Can the grandparents cope or help out for a weekend?

A change is as good as a break. I suspect she feels a little dis-empowered with no job and being stuck at home with baby and dependent on you and her father. She can probably get some part-time work and keep most of her benefits at the same time (Social Welfare will encourage this as overall it makes her less dependant). It gets her out in the world and puts some money in her pocket at the same time. A Mother & Child group might be another thing, as might further education / training.

But she needs to pull her weight around the house (but at the same time can people realise that she is looking after baby full time).

Agent Smith

mike.... no matter what you deside....

you MUST think of your son alex first.
if you break up, so be it. but please think of your son.

Ren0

I think the most important thing is that Mike gets custody of Alex cos his girlfriend doesnt seem capable of looking after him.

Victor

Ren0 wrote:

I think the most important thing is that Mike gets custody of Alex cos his girlfriend doesnt seem capable of looking after him.

Oddly the child would appear to survive until Mike gets home, disproving your point. At no point does he criticise care of the child.

Ren0

Theres a difference between not looking after a child and neglecting it to the point of death. :rolleyes:

And the fact that he says she doesn't work or do anything round the house says enough.

Beruthiel

sounds to me like she is just way too young to handle such responsibilities – at 18 she should have been out, having the time of her life. Instead, she gets pregnant, has a baby, a house and basically a family unit to take care of. I’m not at all surprised her head is all over the place, on top of your normal teenage hormones she has had to contend with your normal pregnancy/new mother hormones, that in it self would drive you crazy. She is just not ready to cope with it, fair play to you, at least you are giving it a shot, but in all honesty, if it’s like this now, it is doomed to failure.
Neither of you sound happy in this situation, I know it is hard to not see your son all the time, but you will get used to seeing him on given dates (speaking from experience here).
Imo you should leave, get the situation of seeing your son regularly sorted legally – he is the most important person in all of this and he will grow up to be fine just as long as you see him on the days allotted. In the long run you will be happier and this will brush off on your son as he gets older.
Whatever you do in the end, I cannot stress enough that you keep seeing your son on the days alloted, a child needs regular and stable times in order to feel secure in his relationship with you
best of luck mike
a

Sleepy

From what you're saying I assume you pay the rent/mortgage? If so, kick her out. Change the locks. Don't let her take your son.

In the Irish family courts the fact that the child is usually living with the mother while the father fights for custody is usually used as an argument to allow the mother take custody so as not to disturb the child's life. Forewarned is forearmed so hang on to custody whilst you fight the case.

More than likely this won't be necessary because I think it's pretty obvious that she'll come crawling back begging you to take her back if you did this. You're cleary a decent bloke and she's taking advantage of this.

Take the time to learn as much as you can about the family justice system and take every precaution you can to ensure that you get custody of the child. It sounds like your girlfriend still is one herself and so hardly seems fit to raise one.

pickarooney

^^Ând who'll look after the child when he's at work??

Doras

It sounds to me like she could be suffering from Post Natal Depression.

Doing the maths I’m guessing Alex is no older than 6 months old. She is very young and in a space of 16 months or so, her life has turned upside down. She has gone from a young carefree 18 year old, to a mother and (practically) housewife.

She is probably having a tough time dealing with all the emotions that must be going on in her head, and as we all know, when there’s something upsetting us or bothering us, we tend to take it out on those closest to us. Maybe you should try and sit her down, and talk everything through with her before you make any rash decisions that would affect all of your lives.

Good Luck.

Ph3n0m

welcome to my old world mike

I was in a similiar situation as you are. Girlfriend fell pregnant, we moved in together (both on the dole at that stage), and arguments aplenty.

The only thing holding us together was my daughter - and tha tlast one long and painful year.

It came to ahead when we split up over the phone, and the minute I put the phone down I was elated, I was so overcome with a sense of relief from a burden I was carrying for way too long.

In your situation, your gf may cry, she may even throw a fit, but look at it this way - you are miserable, you are stuck in a situation you dont know how to deal with - my advice is get out and get out now.

If you want to remain in contact with your son, then by all means do so, there are plenty of ways to do that (I can recommend all legal routes that I took).

The most important thing to remember is, in this situation you have tried everything to make it work, you try to do everything to please her and make a life for the three of you and it simply isnt working out.

There is no shame in wanting out of what is apparantly a loveless relationship, a relationship where you are responsible for everything and everyone - its time to act a bit selfish and think of yourself at the moment. No one can live like that for the rest of their life.

A clean break will give you a perspective on your life as it stands at the moment - one thing to avoid is rushing into another relationship the minute you are single, that is a bad mistake as you will need some "me" time - and that is time you will appreciate when you come out the other side of this relationship.

Mike, if you are going to do it for anyone, do it for yourself and your son - the lines in your current relationship have been drawn and I think if you reflect on it, you will see that it is simply a road to nowhere. There is no point in beating your head off a wall with regrest, what-ifs and any other "maybe" situation you can think off.

Coupled with the fact she cheated on you before, IMO, does not make a good basis for a relationship that is meant to be built on trust and respect.

Loving someone is no excuse for giving up your own self respect - how are you going to feel in 5, 10 years times if you remain in this situation and it still hasnt worked out, or worse she has cheated on your again.

Think of your son growing up in that enviroment and most of all, think of yourself.

Beruthiel

good post Ph3n0m
I couldn't agree more

Miner

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe wrote:

but now, all i feel like is im being used over and over.
should i change my ways?
should i leave her and just see alex when its decided by a solocitor?
or shud i bear it out and see what happens?
i love her a lot. but not as much as i use to.

alex isnt the problem in the relationship.
he holds us together a lot of the times.

QUOTE]

Female point of view here...
Yes it seems like you're being used.
Change what ways? I see no problem in what you're doing. I'd love a partner like you!
If you are going to leave try have it as amicable as possible and try not have a solicitor decide when you see Alex.
I'd suggest sitting down with her, asking her to give it one more try and if it doesn't work to allow you to see Alex as often as possible.
From my experience, stay because you want to, not for the sake of Alex.

pickarooney

Any idea what she wants to do? Does she actually want to be on her own with the kid, on social welfare or has she a new man (your friend?) lined up?
You need to get that out of her, as it doesn't make a lot of sense that she'd want shot of you in such a difficult period.

Ren0

pickarooney wrote:

^^Ând who'll look after the child when he's at work??

These new fangled things called child minders, there are those who are related to the child e.g Mike's parents or brothers or sisters who would be available.

Gordon

Child minders would be expensive I would imagine, also it can be an impossibility for some families to take care of another family members child.

freetoair

Don't ever marry her, you'll be up to your neck in legal issues if you ever need change your mind and want to leave her. You'll loose your house, your kid and have to provide for her for the rest of your days,
My advice, cut yourself loose now and don't be a doormat, keep in touch with the child and put money aside for him because you'll be sure she'll take you to court for maintenance at some point in the future.

Good luck and use condoms next time !

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

hey again lads.
my last post was 10 mins before i finished work.
i got in the ca with my brother, drove home, and went into the kitchen.
got a smoke, and a cup of tea. walked into the sitting room, went over to the chair, put my stuff down.
i picked alex up, put him to bed as he was asleep.
i turned the t.v off, and said right. this is it.
talk or its over.
we talked from 10:30pm to 5:15am.
we basically talked about everything.
its all sorted now.

just to clear 1 or 2 things up, she might not do the washing, or dishes, or have dinner ready, but that doesnt matter does it.
she play's with alex everyday from moring till night. she never neglected him once. he is always smiling. when i come home, she lets me mind him, because she knows i miss him all day long..

ok, now for whats going on...

the house is rented. so no mortgage. the lease is over in 4 months.

i rented out a room in the house, to ease financial burdens on myself, and also to calm tenions on us, as we cant loudly fight in the house. this helps alex.

we over. finished. finito. im out. i had enough.
in the worst possible way we ended. we had a fight. i told her exactly how i felt. she clattered me a lot, across my head, really hard, loads of times. i deserved it. i dumped her. in self defence, i slaped her face. ( i repeat i slapped, with my palm of my hand, not my fist, across her chin. ).
maybe that was a mistake. but it came out. cant deny it or forget it. gotta live with it.

were gonna stay in the house untill lease is over.
then move out. apart. away.

her dad will drag her to a solicitor. so were going on our own.
this is our family, our son, our problem. not his.
i demanded that.

she said to me, she will tell the solicitor, with me sitting there, that mike can see alex 2 nights of the week, and 2 full says ( 8 - 6 ).
i work shift work, so it varies from time to time. but no hassle.

i will pay maintance to what ever is decided and agreed justly, sound, fair and what alex requires. no more.
anything else i want to do for alex ( financially, i can save in a bank for him when he is older, or spend it on him when i see him.

i have no problem to what is going to happen.

if she cuts me off seeing alex, i have spoken to several friends in the same situation.
there are no criminal references relating to me on drugs, abuse, violence or anything else.
i am a hard working 20 year old man, wth a stable job and home, and this deems me fit to be a father.

she the same. she can raise him. i can see him when im not working.

if she stops me seeing him, she gets nothing from me but the tears in my eyes when we pass on the street when i see alex.
but we have both talked about it, and we came to the conclusion, she wont stop me.
and i will support alex.

hope it works out from now on. im feeling a lot happier since i told her. i know its only 24 hours ago, but believe me, i went for a walk, took the day off work, and i havnt had a greater day in 2 years!

i feel free. i feel loved by alex.
i feel happy.

as a final note, i want to thank everyone who responded. reading your replies today made me feel like there is hope, life and happiness without vanessa.
granted, she held my heart, but alex holds it now.
she will always be loved by me, but i have my son and my self to look after now.
i know she will be fine. she is strong. resourceful.

once again, thanks lads, and owe ye 1.
hope to meet ye sometime, and talk again!

XXX
mike & alex

Ph3n0m

I think I speak for most people here by saying good luck with your new start and remember - you did it for you and your son

flyinfishmonkey

Best of luck! Hope all goes well for you in da future mate. Glad to see you feel better for telling her.

NeoSlicerZ

After meeting you in CS games oh so long ago Mike, I hope that everything works out for you and your baby. Be happy

Beruthiel

you did the right think mike
you will most likely feel down for a while, but let me tell you that in 6 months or so you will be a much happier person and your son will see that as he grows.
best of luck!
a

Sleepy

Good luck mate. You've definitely gone down the right route of sorting things out with Vanessa yourself. It's definitely the better option as in this country, when a couple are unmarried, the mother is the only legal guardian of the child. Try to keep things as ammicable as possible because if she chooses to, she can make things EXTREMELY difficult for you.

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/civil_relationships/access_to_children_and_unmarried_couples.html

MicraBoy

You've done the right thing. However remember as Sleepy has just pointed out, as a single unmarried father you will have pretty much no rights in Family Law in this country. Try to keep things sound between the two of you.

Best of luck

P.S. Anyone hear the Last Word on Monday, the seperated father talking about the situation in this country. Scary bananas! It's the same in the UK, hence all those stunts by Fathers For Justice (Batman in Buckingham Palace, purple paint thrown at Tony Blair etc.)

hshortt

Some things to think about now.
1. If you are not on the birth cert as the father, get it sorted asap. (best way is the friendly way, else a court order is required.)
2. If you are not a legal guardian, get it sorted asap. (This is not automatic believe it or not, you have to apply as the father to be a legal guardian.) again friendly if possible, or court order.
3. Set up a schedule for maintenence, either direct debit or cheque, never ever, ever, cash. (no record is no good!)

Get these things done sooner rather than later. Then focus on yours and your sons happiness, and when you get time with him, make it always quality time.

Last thing, don't ever 'bitch' about your ex in front of your son, he's a baby now, but he has ears! Always try to be positive even if it's difficult.

Best of luck.

Sleepy

One further piece of advice I'd give you would be to sort out your guardianship before you move out of the house. That way it's not going to be tied to any maintenance agreements you make so (just in case things do sour) you can't be blackmailed with it.

skywalker

wow. lot of emotion in that post mike. you come across as such a nice guy and good father. i hope everything works out for you and yours.

Hagar

I sorry but can't see any court giving custody of a child to its unmarried 20yr old father.

At a guess as far as the state is concerned you don't exist in this child's life. If you did your gf would not be able to claim full benefits.
Don't ruin your own life in a well meaning but hopeless attempt to save a relationship that has already failed.

Come to some amicable arrangement with the mother to have an input in the child's life or failing that agree to be totally out of its life. Either way have a binding legal document of some sort drawn up or this will come back to haunt you later. You may well become a meal ticket later if life doesn't go the way she expects it.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation and I hope it works out for you.

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

took all your advice.
im speaking to a councellor to draw up 2 legal documents.
the first
1) this will ensure my rights to see the child. vanessa has said she is willing to sign this in exchange for maintanance. i have no quarrel with this.
we came to terms on 65 euro's per week, and i will open a bank account and put 10 per week into the account for alex. vanessa will not know of this, it will be for alex.

2) this will be to certify that i am a legal guardian and my consent is required on all major decisions in alex's future. the councellor advised me that if vanessa tries to leave the country with out myself, herself and a guard or legal member of society to sign a statement granting her permission to take alex abroad she will be repremanded in court for it. the same goes for me. it was her idea really... so with both our signatures on it, it will stand to help us trust each other...
hopefully...

me and alex will be fine.
so will she...
well, she is going out with my best friend.... the bastard....
he broke the code... so our other friends dont want anything to do with him.
i hope he doesnt hurt vanessa by leaving her over it...
i do still love her, and i want her to be happy.

however, i want to be happy aswell, and alex of course!

everything is going great now!
i rented out the other room's in the house, and im making a nice bundle off it!
also, all my wages are mine!
apart from a small part which goes to vanessa and alex. but thats made up from odd job's i do around in my spare time!

im well on my way to a happier life!

i once again thank all the people who helped me here, with advise, support and the time to respond to my problems...
thanks lads and girls!

mike and alex.
XXXX

FX Meister

Fair play dude. I wouldn't worry about your friend either, if he does that kind of thing to you then he'd not really worth much as a friend anyway.

tinkerbell

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe wrote:

me and alex will be fine.
so will she...
well, she is going out with my best friend.... the bastard....
he broke the code... so our other friends dont want anything to do with him.

He is no best friend, you're so much better off without the both of them if that's the way they carry on!

I'm glad you got things sorted, and things seem to be working out for you now, so wishing ya all the best of luck n stuff!

smoke.me.a.kipper

as his brother, i think he did exactly the right thing. fair play to him. he is a great dad, and the youngfella is lovely.

Hagar

I'm delighted for you Mike, best of luck with the future.

H

MidnightQueen

I'm so happy that your'e moving on with your life. I hope good fortune comes your way in the near future!

Kitty xXx