Westlife killed in a plane crash!

DEATH

How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!


An Englisman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into bar.
The barman looks up and says, "Oh no, not another joke"!

How many lead guitarrists are needed to screw in a light bulb?
None, just call the rhythm guitarist.


What do you do when you see a bleeding drummer running around your back yard?
Stop laughing and shoot again!

What's a guy that hangs out with musicans called?
A drummer.


Two bassists walked into a house
.....you would have thought one of them saw it.

A gutarist and a singer are lost in the woods for days. They happen to stumble across a goat stuck in a fence. Realizing how horny he is, the gutarist decides to have his way with the rear end of the goat. After he is finished he says to the singer, "Now it's your turn." The singer then goes and gets stuck in the fence.


A guy walks into a shop: "hi" He says to the shop assistant " I would like to buy a Marshall JCM800 amp and 4x12" cab please" The assistant replies "your a drummer arn't you" "how do you know that?" replies the drummer in amazement. "This is a fish and chip shop" replies the assistant. !





Why do drummers hate eating M&Ms?
Because they're so damned hard to peel!

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune
that the rest of the band noticed?

What's the difference between a bus full of bassists' ex - wives and a circus? One contains a cunning array of stunts!!!

How do you make a bassist burn his ear?
'Phone him when he's doing the ironing.

Why did the bassist stare at the orange juice?
Because it said concentrate on the carton.

Son to his mother: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a bassist!"
Mother to her son: "Well you can't do both."

What's the difference between a drummer and a battery?
A battery has got a plus-side.

How many drummers are necessary to screw a lightbulb?
Ten drummers, one to hold the lamp with his hands and nine to turn the room."

What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."

An amateur drummer dies and goes to Heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within Heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.

A tuba player decides to get revenge on the drummer behind him, so he hides one of his sticks...the drummer come back, and notices this, immedietly he drops to his knees, flails his hands in the air and says, "Finally! After all these years, I'm now a Conductor!!!"

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you get a drummer to complain?
Get him a gig.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?
The knock's out of time.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?
It took him half an hour to get the bass player out.

A very worried bass player is strolling along a beach in California. He steps on something hard, and picks it up. It's a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish".

"I think", the bass player says, "that I'd like to go to Hawaii one day. But I get airsick and seasick. I'd like you to build a bridge so I could drive over." The genie thinks this over, and gently explains that it would be almost impossible, with labour costs what they are and the sea as deep as it is.

"In that case, how about this. Our drummer never writes any songs. I'd like you to make him write a song." The genie ponders for a bit, then asks, "This bridge....you want it two-lane or four-lane?"

Two drummers meet while walking down the street. One of them asks " What you got in that bag?"

The other one replies: "Chickens"

"Can I have one?"asked again the one drummer.

The other drummer replied, "If you can guess the amount of chickens in this bag, then i'll give you both of them."

In the Year 2050, there will be shops in which you may buy brains. So this guy is walking onto one of these shops and asks for a special brain. The clerk turns around, takes a glass with a brain in it and says : "So here we have the brain of a teacher." The man wants to know how much it is. "20,000 Dollars" answers the clerk. "Hmm...",says the man, "are there any other special brains in here?"

The clerk turns around and looks at the shelf for five minutes, then he take another glass. He declares : " So here we have a philosopher´s brain" "And how much is this one ?" "40,000 Dollars". The man thinks about it and finally says that the two brains standing before him are too normal - he wants a very, very, very special brain. So the clerk goes to look for the demanded one and after half an hour, he comes back, with a glass, very dirty, but you can still see a very small-sized brain in it.

"This one is a Drummer´s brain",says the clerk,"but it´s 150,000 Dollars". The man asks:"How come ?" "Just think, how many drummers have to die before we get a real brain..."

Some people are doing a test to find their IQ, and when finish it they meet outside the hall. A scientifst asks a man "What's your job?" "I´m a maths teacher"

"What IQ have you?" "123"

Then they are talking about Mathematics when another man joins the group."What's your job?"

"I'm an engineer" "Nice.What's your IQ?" "98"

Then they begin talking about electronics, and more people join the group until a starnge looking man appears. They ask him "What's your IQ?"

"13"

"Oh, well! So what sticks do you use?"

There are three people - an intelligent drummer, a stupid drummer and a gnome sitting in a room and on the table is a fried chicken. Suddenly the room got dark, and when it got light again, someone had eaten up the chicken.

Who was it?

Well, it must have been the stupid drummer, because intelligent drummers and gnomes dont exist!

How may drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None- they have machines that do that for 'em now...

How can a backliner know if the drum stand is well balanced?
Looking to the drummers mouth. If the drivel flows out equally from both sides the mouth, the stand is OK.

A drummer was tired of all the drummer jokes and decided to start up with the bass guitar. One day he was walking down a dirt road, playing his four string, and happened upon a sheep herder and his flock. The two started talking awhile and eventually the drummer said, "hey, if I can guess the number of sheep in your flock, can I have one?" "Sure," said the farmer. The drummer guessed 5739 sheep. The farmer was astonished, "Hey, you guessed right, take your pick mate." The drummer made his pick and began to be on his merry way when the farmer stopped him and said, "if I guess what instrument you normally play, can I have my dog back?"

Why did the drummer climb over the barbed wire fence?
To see what was on the other side.

The band was ****ed off because the producer would always take off early on Fridays for lunch and not return till Monday. After several weeks of this, the band decided that if the producer was going to take off early, so would they.

Sure enough, that Friday the producer dissapeared, so the band decided to take off. The Singer went to a movie, the Bassist went to a nudie bar, the Guitarists went to a medieval joust and the Drummer decided just to go home.

When the Drummer got home, he found his wif in bed with the producer. The Drummer was morified, and shocked and walked around town moping.

The next Friday, the same thing happened with the producer leaving early. "Well Mate," said the Singer, "shall we take off early again?" "You guys go ahead," said the Drummer, "I almost got caught last week."

Two bassists walked into a house.....
you would have thought one of them saw it.



How many lead guitarists are needed to screw in a light bulb?
None, just call the rhythm guitarist.

A guitarist and a singer are lost in the woods for days. They happen to stumble across a goat stuck in a fence. Realizing how horny he is, the guitarist decides to have his way with the rear end of the goat. After he is finished he says to the singer, "Now it's your turn." The singer then goes and gets stuck in the fence.

What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A drummer.

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three...One to do it, and two to say how much better they could have done it


A drunk walks into a pub and says,
"Bartender pour me a drink quick!"
"What’s wrong?" enquires the bartender. "You won’t believe it, I was standing on the corner taking a leak, and a bus drove by and tore off my thing"
“No way,” says the bartender,
"A bus did not tear off your thing!”
"Yes it did, it fell on the street so I picked it up put it in my pocket"
The drunk reaches into his pocket, pulls out an object and puts it on the counter.
"Here it is," The bartender looks and says "Errr, that's an old cigar" The drunk looks at it rather confused and says,
"Wrong pocket." He reaches into his other pocket, pulls it out and says,
"Here it is!" The bartender examines the object and says, "That’s another old cigar mate"
The drunk peers at it and says "Oh ****! I must have smoked my dick!"


Why did the bassist stare at the orange juice?
Because it said concentrate on the carton


How do you make a bassist burn his ear?
Phone him when he's doing the ironing.


A guitarist, a drummer and a bassist are sitting in a bar and talking about their families. The guitarist says "Here's a picture of my son. I named him George, because he was born on St. George's Day."
The drummer says "Really? Well, here's a picture of my son. I named him Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's day, plus I'm part Scottish. The bassist says "Here's a picture of my son. I named him Pancake"


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.


Son to his mother: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a bassist!"
Mother to her son: "Well you can't do both."


Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once


How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the guitarist has to show them how to do it first.


A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks,
"So, what did you learn?"
"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string."
Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies,
"This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."
One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks:
"Hey, what happened in today's lesson?""Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"


A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That ******* detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player,
"And we're on stage in five minutes.
"So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist.


How do you talk to a sound man?
LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!


How can you tell if a drummer has been using the computer?
There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.


A drummer and his friend meet on opposite sides of the fence. The friend asks, "How do you get to the other side?"
" Duh," the drummer says, "you are on the other side."


How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None...they just steal someone else's light.


How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - he just stands still and holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.


How do you know when a singer's knocking on your door?
He's not on time and he doesn't know when to come in.


What's the range of a fretless bass?
Depends on how hard you throw it.


What did the bass player get on his music test?
Drool


How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Shoot one.


What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.


Do u know what the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac is doing at night?
Lying awake wondering if there’s a dog...


If a drummer and a squirrel are sitting in a cab, what's the difference?
The squirrel's going on a gig.


What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer...




How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could have done it.


What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.


What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp


How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t bother, just leave it out no one will notice.


What does an awful drum-fill and a tornado have in common?
You know they're coming but there ain't a thing you can do.


What has four sticks and half a brain?
Two Drummers

plastic membrane

Damn. And here was i thinking that Westlife had died in a plane crash. Thanks for making and then ruining my day man..

---

Im going to the bear fights tomorrow, want to come with ??