Mother has terminal cancer

LegacyUser

Right, I'm a regular boardsie-type, but going unregged for this, as I don't want any unnecessary sympathy or whatnot.

Basically, my mother has terminal cervical cancer. There's a large tumour in her abdomen, and it's pressing on her organs. She's had a colostomy and a catheter inserted. She's been on chemotherapy and radiotherapy, but it's only delayed the progress, the tumour has shown no sign of going away. The chemotherapist told her (gently) the other day that any further chemotherapy would only serve to delay the inevitable, but he didn't give a date.

Now I'm just after starting college, and I'm finding this all a lot to deal with. Tbh I don't think I am dealing with it really. I'm putting it out of my mind completely, and running away from the issue at hand. Some might call it hope, but it's more like sticking my head in the sand to avoid the realisation which would probably be too much for me. So I'm faced with the prospect that my mother might not be around 4 months from now, and instead of dealing with it, I'm singing lalalalalala to myself and pretending everything's fine.

So is there any practical advice that anyone in a similar situation can give? Like are there things I should do now that I won't be able to do later? Is counselling at this stage really going to help, or is it just jumping the gun a bit much? Should I talk to my friends? They know the situation, but I don't like bringing it up, I really don't want them to pity me or worry about me unnecessarily. What should I say to my mother about it, if anything? I feel like such an idiot, but it's not like I can practice for this.

Also, are there any alternative or lesser-known treatments that she could benefit from? At this stage we'll try anything, but there is so much to choose from and so little time.

neuro-praxis

Hi there miscreant,

I have never been in your situation so I can't pretend that I know how you feel or what to do.

You must be deeply sad and feeling so powerless.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

My advice is to try not to hide from it. You don't want to have any regrets.

Spend as much time with your mother as possible. Obviously you don't want to smother her but you do want to value her for what little time she may have.

Speak to your friends only if you feel the need. There is no rule that says you must talk to them if you are not comfortable with that.

What area of the country to do you live in? Because there are many cancer support centres around, googling will lead to you to dozens. It might be a good idea to get some literature on coping with this news (it helped me when a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer) or to have a conversation, even over the phone, with somebody who can advise you better.

I'm sorry that nothing I can say can comfort you, I just wish you the best.

The_Conductor

There is not a lot that you can to tbh.
The best thing that you can do for both yourself and your mother is to be there as much as possible- cherish the time that you have.
I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is for you.
Unless you feel that you need counselling- I'd steer away from it- do not feel pressurised into it (I imagine that it may have been suggested to you by a friend?)- counselling is only worthwhile if you are doing it voluntarily and for yourself- there is no point in attending counselling for someone else.....

Cherish the time that you have with your Mum, and make the most of it. Above all else be at peace with her.

Running away from things- is a self preservation method- sometimes things seem so large that they will totally engulf us- so we put them to the back of our heads where we do not have to address them.

Make the most of the time with your Mum, and cherish all the little things.

I really feel for you- take care of yourself,

S.

CathyMoran

miscreant wrote:

Now I'm just after starting college, and I'm finding this all a lot to deal with. Tbh I don't think I am dealing with it really. I'm putting it out of my mind completely, and running away from the issue at hand. Some might call it hope, but it's more like sticking my head in the sand to avoid the realisation which would probably be too much for me. So I'm faced with the prospect that my mother might not be around 4 months from now, and instead of dealing with it, I'm singing lalalalalala to myself and pretending everything's fine.

So is there any practical advice that anyone in a similar situation can give? Like are there things I should do now that I won't be able to do later? Is counselling at this stage really going to help, or is it just jumping the gun a bit much? Should I talk to my friends? They know the situation, but I don't like bringing it up, I really don't want them to pity me or worry about me unnecessarily. What should I say to my mother about it, if anything? I feel like such an idiot, but it's not like I can practice for this.

Also, are there any alternative or lesser-known treatments that she could benefit from? At this stage we'll try anything, but there is so much to choose from and so little time.

Sorry to hear your news - my mum was given similar news but it was about a brain haemorrage and she is still alive, much to everyones delight.

You have every right to have some time when you do not think about what is happening with your mum - it is your bodys way of coping with this - if you were upset all the time how would you be of use to anyone, including your mum. I am sorry if this sounds all so cliched but I have found this of great use, even though at first I did not believe it. I am sure that your mother wants you to do college, so treat it like a refuge - it is one thing that is logical so use it as a well deserved break - am doing a Masters myself. You may feel numb for a while - this is normal - emotions can also overtake you at the most unusual times - allow for this - it is all normal.

Spending time with your mum also is a good idea - talk about old times and record the memories. I am sure that you have told her that you love her but it is no harm in telling her again.

Personally I don't think that you need counceling - I havn't so far. Talk to your friends - I have found mine to be brilliant.

I wish you all the best in this time - PM me if you want to talk.

Rosser

Hey,

Been there and the best advice I can give is to talk to the professionals, ring the Irish Cancer society, they have a fantastic service for families of suffers and there isn't a situation they haven't heard of.

Best of luck (it will get easier)

LegacyUser

medical advice such as this is not allowed on this forum

miscreant

miscreant wrote:

Tbh I don't think I am dealing with it really. I'm putting it out of my mind completely, and running away from the issue at hand. Some might call it hope, but it's more like sticking my head in the sand to avoid the realisation which would probably be too much for me. So I'm faced with the prospect that my mother might not be around 4 months from now, and instead of dealing with it, I'm singing lalalalalala to myself and pretending everything's fine.

You are dealing with it.
You are doing exactly the right thing,you're not going all hysterical and those around you are seeing that and unknown to you are probably taking comfort from it.
You are actually being very strong and this you don't realise.
It's inevitable that closer to the time you will break down,maybe just to yourself but it will happen.
Relax, take no notice of what you are doing and just proceed as you are.
you know that your mums death is going to come, theres no pretense there at all, its a new experience for you and if I knew you to be honest I'd be very proud of you
As most everyone else has said, be with your friends let them help you in any way you feel comfortable.
But most of all spend every waking moment that you can or want to with your mum in the coming months and keep up the good work basically.

FranknFurter

As somone suggested, phone the Irish Cancer Society or similiar, they have many different services available for families.
Counselling may be a good idea, but as mentioned, have realistic expectations of what can be achieved by it, if nothing else, it may help you to accept your situation.

My grandmother is in a very similiar situation to your mother right now, and she once told me the worst thing is that everyones trying to avoid the subject, so that might be worth thinking about when talking with your mom.

Mostly, what you can do is make the next months of your life, a time you will remember forever, for *good* reasons.

I wish you well, and your familly,

B

therecklessone

I've been in a very similar situation miscreant, so I've a fair idea how you're feeling right now. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in March of my final year in college, it tore me to shreds. I considered deferring my finals, but after a very helpful conversation with a Lecturer of mine decided to continue on and graduate. I was lucky to have another two year with my dad before he passed away, so was really glad he got to see me graduate and get a great job. I felt like I'd done him proud (don't know how silly that sounds, but don't really care...)

Anyway, you've got some good advice on this thread already, but I say you should:

1. Cherish every minute you have with your mother. You'll be thankful that you made the effort in later years.
2. Do what you can to continue life as normal. Your mother is still your mother, and will want to see you make the most of college, so try to embrace the opportunites it presents.
3. Remember that your friend will be there for you if you do feel like having a word. You sound like you're coping remarkably well with the situation, but you might have a few low moments that you need a hand with. Thats what makes them your friends.
4. I never got profesional help myeslf, but contacting the Irish Cancer Society (as suggested by Rosser) might not be a bad idea.

Finally, if you have something you've wanted to say to your mother do it before its too late. I will always regret not telling my dad how proud I was of him because of the grace and dignity he showed in dealing with his own illness.

Evil Phil

Sorry to hear your bad news miscreant. My mother died of cancer 5 years ago at the end of a long illness. This is pretty much repeating what has been said already but it comes from my own experiences.

Counselling is a great idea, and its something you've considered already, so do it. Ring the Irish Cancer Society or talk to your college counselling service. They both help people in your situation every day.

Talk to your friends and keep them up to date if you're comfortable with it. If not, don't. I still find it hard to discuss Mum's death with friends who haven't been through the same thing. I'm guessing you're late teens early twenties so you're one of the first in your group to go through this, but if there is somebody else talk to them. They need to talk to you too.

Talk to us here on PI.

Accept what ever happens, just except it - you'll lose your mind otherwise.

Finally from reading you post I think you will be okay, no matter what happens.

Victor

Maybe there are a few "practical" things you could do.

Find out exactly what your mother's diagnosis is and what her medical régime is.

Be aware that you or your mother or others may be tempted to try "miracle cures" that are there only to take your/her money. There may be some new cure out there, but just be prudent (then again realise that she can't take the money with her).

Who else needs to know?

Talk to your senior lecturer / college councellor and explain that this thing is out there and while it isn't quite at crisis stage now, it may be soon.

Ask your mother about family history and make some records. Keep these and let your children (if/when you have them) know what their grandmother was like. Visit some places that were important to her in her life. Ask her about old photos.

While morbid, make sure your mother has made out a will. Find out where she keeps her important papers, etc. Ask her what she would like done for her funeral (a chat with a local undertaker / priest might be helpful).

Does you mother want to stay at home or would she like the extra care available in a nursing home or hospice?

Would it be possible to go on one last family holiday? Is there anything that she really wanted to do / place to go, but didn't?

embee

As other people have suggested, counselling is a very helpful road to go down. I know that when someone close to me was dying of cancer, I had counselling about it during her illness and after her death and it was really very healing. Talking about things can be a great tonic.

If there is anything on your mind that you want to say to your Mam, say it. You really don't want to look back on this time and regret not saying them or doing things or whatever.

What everyone has said here has been really helpful, and good advice. I know personally from posting on PI before that it can really help you sometimes to just get your thoughts and fears out there into text, and there are always people here to support or offer advice in any way that we can.

LegacyUser

Talk to your senior lecturer / college councellor and explain that this thing is out there and while it isn't quite at crisis stage now, it may be soon.

I don't think I'd be comfortable with telling my tutor, he's a great guy and would understand, but I don't want to make excuses or whatever. I know this is a big thing, but there are plenty of other people with difficult family situations; I shouldn't get special treatment. If I fail my exams or miss days, I don't want to get special allowances for it. I'd feel even worse if I did.

Does you mother want to stay at home or would she like the extra care available in a nursing home or hospice?

Would it be possible to go on one last family holiday? Is there anything that she really wanted to do / place to go, but didn't?

I think she wants to stay at home for as long as possible, she doesn't like "bothering" the nurses, so she says..there are some places that she would have liked to go, but she's too sick now to do anything, even going into hospital is a fairly big thing. She was doing okay all along, but I think what the chemotherapist told her a few days ago came as a shock. She's not the type to talk about it though, and refuses to get counselling; she's as stubborn as I am, heh.

Talk to your friends and keep them up to date if you're comfortable with it. If not, don't. I still find it hard to discuss Mum's death with friends who haven't been through the same thing. I'm guessing you're late teens early twenties so you're one of the first in your group to go through this, but if there is somebody else talk to them. They need to talk to you too.

Yeah, my friends are fantastic people, so kind and understanding, but as you said, I'm the first to go through this, and it's really confusing for them as well as me. They never know what to say, and I hate awkward silences like that. They're also all very busy with college like myself, and don't really have the time.

I'm still fairly "hopeful", but I think I'm being a bit naieve at this stage. It just strikes me as so unfair - she was only 2 or 3 years from (early) retirement, and she was looking forward to it so much - there was so much she wanted to do and see.

And to all who have replied to this thread - a heartfelt thank you. I'm really touched by what you've said, it's definitely helped.

CathyMoran

miscreant wrote:

I don't think I'd be comfortable with telling my tutor, he's a great guy and would understand, but I don't want to make excuses or whatever. I know this is a big thing, but there are plenty of other people with difficult family situations; I shouldn't get special treatment. If I fail my exams or miss days, I don't want to get special allowances for it. I'd feel even worse if I did.

As I have said earlier - I am in a similar situation to you at the moment, we were toid that she would die on the first day - now we have another 10 months where she has a very high chance of dying - do let people help you at this time - I have had to ask for extensions on numerous assignments as I needed to spend more time with mum now. I know that you do not want to feel any different from anyone but what you are going through is not normal - please take the extra help, otherwise you will burn out.

miscreant wrote:

I think she wants to stay at home for as long as possible, she doesn't like "bothering" the nurses, so she says..there are some places that she would have liked to go, but she's too sick now to do anything, even going into hospital is a fairly big thing. She was doing okay all along, but I think what the chemotherapist told her a few days ago came as a shock. She's not the type to talk about it though, and refuses to get counselling; she's as stubborn as I am, heh.

Do you have a nurse visiting at the moment? Sorry for mentioning the practicalities.

miscreant wrote:

Yeah, my friends are fantastic people, so kind and understanding, but as you said, I'm the first to go through this, and it's really confusing for them as well as me. They never know what to say, and I hate awkward silences like that. They're also all very busy with college like myself, and don't really have the time.

Again - your friends are your friends - they will return the favour later - the main reason why I think that it is OK that you lean on them a bit is that you need to keep your strenght up for your mum and the rest of your family. I have also found boards to be great - I let off steam and upset here - everyone has been great, though I always end up crying when I post about my mum - writing about what happens hurts, but at least it gets it out.

Sorry if I am a bit strong in my reply - am going through hell myself at the moment so I can empathise with how you are feeling - all I know is that you get through it. Please feel free to PM me at any stage.

Wolf

Had something very similar, but, my moms ok now fingers crossed. Im really sorry for your postion first of all, but, perhaps till it happens you won't really accept it.

When my father died when I was 17 it didn't sink in for a long time. I would say enjoy what ever time you can with your mother now have fond memories and that will help in the future, but, it will sink in at some stage and then it will hurt. But till then you just have to go on and be nice to her say what you might need to say to her.

My Sympathys are with you Wolf

Victor

miscreant wrote:

I don't think I'd be comfortable with telling my tutor, he's a great guy and would understand, but I don't want to make excuses or whatever. I know this is a big thing, but there are plenty of other people with difficult family situations; I shouldn't get special treatment. If I fail my exams or miss days, I don't want to get special allowances for it.

It's not "special allowances", it's understanding.

I think she wants to stay at home for as long as possible, she doesn't like "bothering" the nurses, so she says.

Sometimes we need to step back and let others help us.

Maybe both of you are trying too hard to be independent.