Boyfriend wont pull weight

LegacyUser

I need some advice.

My boyfriend is starting to annoy me now.

I always ring, email etc etc - basically make an effort. He never makes an effort to do anything.

Last night he was supposed to ring. It was getting late and no call from him so I started to worry (like I usually do) and rang him. He was sitting at home and had no credit (the nearest shop is 2 mins away by foot to get cred). Didnt bother to top up his phone. Started off by saying "jees about time you rang - I was waiting....."

I was like "What?". I told him, tried to say it in an unthreathening way so it wouldnt cause an argument, that I was annoyed and that he should start pulling his weight.

I said "Can you make an effort to ring/email ... etc etc like I do? He was like well I was tired and although Im supposed to ring you tomorrow maybe I cant cause I still wont have any credit. Maybe Ill get sick, maybe ill be too tired again."

Ive had enough. I dont think its very fair but I dont know how to tackle the problem.

He can be quite manipulative sometimes and makes me feel like its my fault. he is good a turning arguments.

When I read what Ive written above it almost seems ridiculous. but am quite upset.

WhiteWashMan

dump him.
no point in being a in a relationship when you are not happy.

moridin

If you're not going out for long... dump him.

If you are going out for a while, and he's been doing this for a long time, then dump him.

If it's a recent development, maybe there's some reason for it and it's something that you need to discuss. Doesn't seem at all ridiculous to me, it's a horrible feeling when you think that someone's ignoring you like that.

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

dump him.
no point in being a in a relationship when you are not happy.

agreed

irlirishkev

He doesn't sound that into the whole thing tbh..
If you've only started seeing eachother recently then this is a sign.. Time to move on maybe.

Kevin.

koneko

Yeah, I'd say dump him too. Tell him you're not going to be the only person putting effort into this relationship, if he can't be feckin bothered then why should you? And that you can do better.

Beruthiel

koneko wrote:

And that you can do better

so many men
so little time!

CathyMoran

Yep, looks like dumping him is the only thing that you can do Was in a relationship like that, tried talking to the guy but he never changed...save yourself the heartbreak and leave this looser - there are plenty of more fish in the sea.

misswex

Maybe he just doesn't realise why its such a big deal!! So why don't you just have it out with him and if he doesn't realise or care then you either make the decision to stay with him or go and find yourself somebody worthy of your time and effort!!

ferdi

tell him straight out that if he dosnt get his ass in gear your ditching him

Dr. Loon

CathyMoran wrote:

there are plenty of more fish in the sea.

This line should be banned from PI.

Original poster - it's obvious what to do...

ixoy

Sorry but I gotta echo what others have said here - consider losing him. If it was just him idle, that'd be bad enough. It's the fact that's he manipulative and seems to shift blame on you that's all the more reprehensible.

Relationships should be on a more equal footing. One person shouldn't always be making the effort and the other should not be so apathetic "blah blah too damned lazy to get off my ass and get credit why didn't you ring me". If that's his attitude to phones, how would he be around the house at a future point - sounds like the sort who'd make you do all the work, etc.

I guess, if you've been dating a while and this is new, then sit down and chat with him. Don't pussy-foot around the issue. Make it damned clear how he's acting is hurting you because it sounds incredibly rude and disrespectful to you. If you've not been dating a while then you've seen what sort of a guy he really is and you should see him to the front door so you can slam behind his apathetic ass.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

I've been going out with him for about 4 years.

It is something that has developed as of late.

The reason being, we went through a rough patch about 6 months ago. I admit I was part of the problem causing the rough patch.

he broke up with me, about hellish 2 months later, on my part, we got back together.

I had time to think and organise my thoughts.

I felt guilty that I wasnt giving enough to the relationship that contributed to the break.

So now I feel I over compensate.

I dont know how to stop. Its a bad habit. If by 9 I havent heard from him, I panic. heart thumping. Feels awful. Thoughts start running through my head. Get the urge to ring him.

Feel so stupid. I am an adult for gods sake.

Ren0

Maybe the guy doesn't want to come on too strong cos girls can find some people obsessive...

...and if thats not the case then he is a dick and you can do better.

I know that sounds typical but its true cos u definetly seem like u make an effort for someone you care about which any decent man (Yes, they do exist) will see.

If you are unhappy finish with him, he doesnt seem to want to make the effort for you so why should you do it for him?

CathyMoran

sad wrote:

Thanks for the replies guys.

I've been going out with him for about 4 years.

It is something that has developed as of late.

The reason being, we went through a rough patch about 6 months ago. I admit I was part of the problem causing the rough patch.

he broke up with me, about hellish 2 months later, on my part, we got back together.

I had time to think and organise my thoughts.

I felt guilty that I wasnt giving enough to the relationship that contributed to the break.

So now I feel I over compensate.

I dont know how to stop. Its a bad habit. If by 9 I havent heard from him, I panic. heart thumping. Feels awful. Thoughts start running through my head. Get the urge to ring him.

Feel so stupid. I am an adult for gods sake.

Well, that extra information sheds a different light on things...you guys have been though a tough time - he may still subconsciously be getting revenge for the hurt over the break up? Also, the fact that you got back with him means that you may feel a bit insecure about him (have been there myself). Relationship councelling may help you at this stage. Best wishes - time is a great healer - you both need to learn to trust one another again.

Dr. Loon

Or maybe he's continuing on as previously in the relationship and you're now being weird after the break up and being over clingy?! Just a thought.

pickarooney

You were part of the problem causing the rough patch, you say. How big a part and in what way? Whatever you may have done, he seems to have taken it as a renewable Get Out of Jail Free card. How long more do you reckon you "owe" him?
If I read you correctly, he dumped you and you begged him to take you back, with some unwritten conditions that you do everything to keep the relationship alive, while he lets you?
It doesn't sound workable. Perhaps you lost interest the last time because he just wasn't worth it. By the sounds of things he's even less so now.

MistressPandora

I say dump his ass.

Maybe he'll get tired tomorrow? Maybe he'll get ill?
What absolute and utter sh*t. I used to go out with a guy who studied in Wales and on Sundays I'd ring him and on Wednesdays he'd ring me, without fail. And there were emails and texts too. That relationship lasted a year. For 6-8 weeks we wouldn't see each other but still, we made time to call each other.

If your man doesn't make any kind of effort to email/call/text you, then fcuk it, dump his ass. You deserve better than that.

tinkerbell

Communication!

You need to sit down and talk to him about it, otherwise you're gonna continue to be miffed, and he's not gonna know what's going on with you. And it's gonna keep going that way until you open up to him.

impr0v

Yer, second the point about communcation. You seem to be a bit high on the anxiety levels too and perhaps that is stifling him, try and give him a bit of latitude before going for the nuclear option. Perhaps he'll ring you when it feels like it's his own idea rather than because you expect it.

Nasty_Girl

If you're only goin out for a bit, just relax. Maybe he doesn't want to admit he didn't have any money for credit, maybe he's shy and doesn' know what to say on the phone, I know I'd still be a little weird about calling up my fella just to say hi!
If you're in it for the long haul maybe it's best to let yourselves go, if he doesn't want to make the effort or your dissatified by what little effort he makes then maybe it should end.
How long are you going out?

WhiteWashMan

talk.

then dump him.

the_syco

OK;

You've gone out for 4 years.

You broke up.

You got back together.

And now you him to ring every day. Cute, but erm, leave him alone for a bit. Clingy is one word that I could use.

Questions; how far away does he live, does he work/go to college, would it be that he feels that the clingyness is a new thing, and he doesn't know how to respond to it?

qwertyphobia

if you are not happy then leave

but you also need to check with yourself around your anxiety/worrying/negitive thinking, you say

"I dont know how to stop. Its a bad habit. If by 9 I havent heard from him, I panic. heart thumping. Feels awful. Thoughts start running through my head. Get the urge to ring him. "

Thats not good and while this is normal thinking for you there will always be problems. Get on top of this pattern of thinking

stevenmu

sad wrote:

I dont know how to stop. Its a bad habit. If by 9 I havent heard from him, I panic. heart thumping. Feels awful. Thoughts start running through my head. Get the urge to ring him.

Does this mean that you expect to talk to him on phone every day ? How long do you spend on the phone and how often do you get to see him ? Some girls can spend hours a day on the phone talking about whatever it is they've been doing but many guys can't. I'd guess an average guy can sum up his entire week (if not month) into one quick 5 minute phone call. Maybe he just doesn't call because he doesn't have anything to tell you that can't wait untill the weekend (if that's when you get to see him). Maybe if you try calling him less then he'll call you sometimes when he has something to say or just feels like chatting.

bombidol

some blokes just dont like the phone to be honest. and emails can be a pain in the arse. Is it long distance or local? long distance can put a strain on things but its doable. Id like to hear the guys side of the story before people starting telling the girl to dump him.
You know yerself

Ren0

No offence "Sad" but u seem kinda needy (i don't mean it in a bad way, just as one of your characteristics, i'm the same) and i don't think this guy is up for the job of giving you as much attention as you would like, which in turn is making you unhappy so you should go and find someone else.

WhiteWashMan

to the last couple of people that posted, especially Ren0, but i dont think you understand the underlying problem here.

we have a relationship that has gone on for a number of years. theres a problem and suddenly the bf has no interest.

its not a case of someone being 'needy' (and man, how patronising to put it down as a characterization) its a case of someone knowing there is a problem in their relationship and trying hard to make it alright.

youre right, the guy isnt 'up for the job of giving you as much attention as you would like' because he is no longer interested as far as i can tell. if you were with someone for 4 years and they suddenly didnt want to take your calls, couldnt be arsed to phone you, do you think you would get a little edgey if you didnt hear from them, if they seemed 'uninterested'?

damn sure you would. you would want to know what was happening, much like the orginal poster.

think about what the situation is before you burst out with the 'youre a needy bítch crap'.

with regards to the poster being part of the problem they broke up, i wouldnt expect anything different. if you are in a relationship, there is no full blame in anything. everything that happens is the result of both parties. its niáve to think otherwise.

the relationship is obviously not working like it used to. the poster is worried about it, is trying to make an effort through communication, but is not getting anywhere. the other party does not appear to be interested.
its not a healthy relationship. both parties seem unhappy.
jeez, end it now and move one. dont waste more time trying to bring back the past.

Beruthiel

I totally agree with everything wwm said there
sounds to me like she's flogging a dead horse
move on

koneko

Yeah wwm is dead on.

People calling her needy for wanting to ring her bf, err... wtf? They're going out for 4 years now, not a month. If she can't ring her bf of 4 YEARS without seeming needy then something is wrong in the world.

Read it people... 4 YEARS... not 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 months... 4 YEARS. That equals what most people would call a serious relationship. You don't stay out of contact for a week with someone you're in a serious relationship with, unless one of them is unhappy and wants to break up.

Dump him, girl. He's not worth your time imho.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys.

Thanks for all the replies. Quite interesting.

It is true, 4 years (actually its probably over 4 years at this stage) is what I call a serious relationship, therefore if my bf doesnt ring/take my calls etc, I do want to know why.

Before the break up, I was completely relaxed - even way too relaxed about things.

Its true too that my train of thought is not good. Panicing. I try not to show it. I dont want him to see the panic that I have.

Sometimes he is "full" of attention, other times completely "cold". To be honest, when I say above "I was completely relaxed - even way too relaxed about things" this is what I mean.

Seems he doesnt want to appear over eager.

Have tried talking to him about these things, but he is a hard guy to talk to sometimes and often takes offense (maybe he doesnt think anything is wrong, and when I bring up something like this, he thinks that I am giving out).

Oh I dont understand men :-(

WhiteWashMan

now i understand more. your boyfriend is having some sort of problem.
i know the behaviour pattern, and the attitude well.

there is obviously something more behind your bf's behaviour, and i think its up to him to get it sorted through councelling, or whatever. if he is willing to let you help, then maybe there is hope, however, im thinking that his problem is that he is unsure fi he wants to continue in a reltionship, and blows hot and cold depending on how he is feeling.

i think the most importnat thing here is that even after 4 years, you cannot communicate. thats a huge problem, and not one you will likely overcome. if you cant communicate everything hoonestly with someone afer 6 months, as far as im concerned, your wasting your time, if a serious relationship is what you are after.

you dont understand him, becuase he doesnt understand himself.
again, i think the relationship is unhappy, and i think you are both just clinging to something. you just seem to be the one making the effort. at least, thats how i see it.

Ren0

I don't think everyone understands.

He's making her do all the work, and she's getting nothing in return.

she has need's (hence 'needy') and he is not fulfilling them.

Make like a tree and get the hell outta there.

WhiteWashMan

Ren0 wrote:

I don't think everyone understands.

He's making her do all the work, and she's getting nothing in return.

she has need's (hence 'needy') and he is not fulfilling them.

Make like a tree and get the hell outta there.

:rolleyes:

Ren0

WhiteWashMan wrote:

:rolleyes:

Whats that supposed to mean?

fischerspooner

you're all mad. This is what most women want. If you show too much interest in women they get bored with you and sleep with someone else eventually. The way to do it is administer attention to them in dribs and drabs, don't call when you're supposed to, even stand them up every now and again. This is the key to keeping women on their feet and keeping them happy. Yes, I was a doting boyfriend once, my life revolved around my girlfriend, I had to learn the hard way, but now I do what I like and see them in my own time, on ym terms. They're total lunatics are women, but this is what they want, ultimately.

bombidol

there is wisdom in this one beyond his years. Lunatics..all of em..

Trojan

He's in his cave

Victor

sad wrote:

He was sitting at home and had no credit (the nearest shop is 2 mins away by foot to get cred). Didnt bother to top up his phone. Started off by saying "jees about time you rang - I was waiting....."

He's either lying to you or lying to himself.

... He was like well I was tired and although Im supposed to ring you tomorrow maybe I cant cause I still wont have any credit. Maybe Ill get sick, maybe ill be too tired again."

He **might** be sick. The world might end.

sad wrote:

I dont know how to stop. Its a bad habit. If by 9 I havent heard from him, I panic. heart thumping. Feels awful. Thoughts start running through my head. Get the urge to ring him.

I'm just wondering if you have a "day off" from your relationship where he does his thing and you do yours. Familiarity breed contempt.

Finally, my brother and his wife built a house and my father helped out with the garden.

The wife: "So when you are working in the garden, what do you talk about."
The brother: "Gardening."
The wife: "Sorry, I mean what do you talk about"
The brother: "Well the trees. And the shrubs ...
The wife: "No, no. I mean what do you **really** talk about"
The brother: "Well the trees. And the shrubs ...
The wife (exasperated): "NO, NO. What do you **REALLY** talk about"
The brother "Well the tree. And the shrubs ... and today we were talking about putting in a fence by the garage".

Men and women are different. If you **need** to talk, phone a girlfriend.

Pigman II

Sounds to me like you're smothering him!

I reccomend that you invite him round to your place sometime soon and cook him a nice meal. When he's finished, full and feeling fine tell him you've got something to say and then proceed by apologising for being so clingy and neurotic. If he's a good egg he'll understand and forgive you.

WhiteWashMan

Victor wrote:

Men and women are different. If you **need** to talk, phone a girlfriend.

if she is with someone for 4 years, why shouldnt she be able to have a relationship where she can talk to her partner?
does this mean is she wants sex, she can go out and fúck someone else as well?
or is that different in some way?

Pigman II wrote:

Sounds to me like you're smothering him!

I reccomend that you invite him round to your place sometime soon and cook him a nice meal. When he's finished, full and feeling fine tell him you've got something to say and then proceed by apologising for being so clingy and neurotic. If he's a good egg he'll understand and forgive you..

and youve never had a girlfriend for more than 2 weeks...

Victor

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if she is with someone for 4 years, why shouldnt she be able to have a relationship where she can talk to her partner?

Well, theres difference between "talk to" and "have a conversation with" and "gossip".

WhiteWashMan wrote:

does this mean is she wants sex, she can go out and fúck someone else as well?

Hey, its all intercourse.

Pigman II

WhiteWashMan wrote:

and youve never had a girlfriend for more than 2 weeks...

Disagree with my ethos's if you wish but don't presume that you know how their application serve myself personally.