True Holiday Story: Rudolph - Life in the Spotlight isn't so Bright

MistressPandora · 16-11-2004 12:37pm #1

This is a story of misfortune, opportunity, triumph, despair and acceptance. We’ve all been touched by many winter holiday personalities. From the Frosty “the snowman” to the adorable elf who wanted to be a ‘dentwist’, we’ve welcomed these familiar faces into our homes year in and year out. But perhaps there is one face we cherish as much as the great man himself, Santa Claus. A face that has become synonymous with Christmas, celebration and overcoming adversity.

This is the story of reindeer named Rudolph. A so-called “red-nosed” reindeer who is known the world over. So just how did one scrappy reindeer turn a genetic mishap into a million dollar marketing machine?

Rudolph Reindeer was born to Walter and Loretta Reindeer during a particularly cold North Pole winter. Unlike other reindeer in the neighborhood Rudolph was born with a "special" genetic quality. A quality that would alienate him from friends and family, and drive him to become the most successful and famous reindeer the world has ever known.

Doctors call it "Scarlet Nasal Protuberance" or SNP but his friends simply called him "red-nosed". To put matters bluntly, Rudolph was born with a glowing red nose. This affliction occurs in only 1 in 350,000 reindeer births. Reindeer with SNP tend to spend their childhood days alone, often excluded from other reindeer games.

"Honesty, all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call me names. They never let me play in any of their reindeer games. Whatever. Those games sucked anyway. Can you name any specific reindeer games? (pause) That’s because they’re not very fun games."

Life had proven to be tough for young Rudolph or “Red Rudy” as he was known on the reindeer playground. With little support from a family that was embarrassed by his SNP and with peers who ostracized him, Rudolph turned inward.

“I spent a lot of time alone thinking up revenge fantasies. You know, your typical blowing-everyone-up type stuff. I was also writing a lot of angst-ridden poetry at the time. Pretty morbid stuff, lots of allusion to death and rejection. I was also pretty into Morrissey.”

This troubled teen would’ve never guessed that his revenge would be far sweeter than blowing up his community.

A typical Christmas eve around the north pole finds elves putting their finishing touches on toys, Santa double-checking his list and the reindeer elite preparing for their yearly marathon sprint across the globe. But then, one foggy Christmas eve, everything changed. Santa needed help seeing through the dense fog. It was too foggy to fly his sleigh…what could be done to make sure the Christian children of the world received their presents? An idea went off in Santa's head..."like a lightbulb".

"It was awesome. He came up to me and said to me in his cool, deep Santa voice, "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" I was all, "Hell yeah!"

Off they went, a jolly, red streak across the sky. The now-famous story was immortalized in song, books and animated TV specials. Rudolph, the reindeer with a genetic deformity, had become the wealthiest and most famous of them all. With this initial success came the thirst for more. More fame, more wealth, more everything.

Donner: "Being on Santa's sleigh team definitely gets you laid. But when you've got songs and TV shows about you...it's off the hook. He was out of control, man. I remember one time there must have been 8 female reindeer in his jacuzzi and he's yelling "which one of you (bleep) is going to (bleep) with my (bleep)!" It was crazy.

His addiction spread beyond sex and into snorting prescription synthetic lichen. While on synthetic lichen or "L-Train" he would become belligerent, bloated and tell bad jokes.

But one day, while telling knock-knock jokes to a limo full of reindeer strippers, Rudolph noticed the bright crimson of his nose fading. Doctors confirmed his fears, his excessive habits had not only dimmed his sense of good taste, but his nose as well.

Santa has little use for a drugged up, overweight reindeer on his team. Rudolph was eventually removed from his position on the sleigh team. After blowing the rest of his savings on L-Train and Swedish Elf porn, Rudolph found himself out of a job, out of money and the owner of a disturbing amount of Elf porn.

This dark period provided Rudolph with the motivation needed to clean himself up. He got off the drugs, began a high-protein, low-carb diet and saw the once proud glow of his nose return. Every day Rudolph climbs one small step back to becoming the reindeer that was once so idolized.

"I wanted to give back to the community that has given so much to me. I now work with SNP youths around the country and speak to reindeer high schools about the dangers of L-Train and knock-knock jokes."

Rudolph is building his life back one glowing day at a time.

"I'm thinking about trying to get a Holiday Stars reality show together. Like a ‘Temptation Island’ meets ‘Survivor’ type thing. I've got Frosty, the Grinch and the Abominable Snowman on board, but I'm still working on Scrooge, Snoopy and the Gingerbread man. I’d ask the Little Drummer Boy to participate…but, and it’s cool with me, I just think he’d be more up for a “Boy Meets Boy” or a ‘Queer Eye’ type makeover show…you know what I mean?"