serious problem with friends.

LegacyUser

Hey,I'm a long-term registered user of boards and, thankfully, have never had the cause to use the P.I forum up till now.

My problem is this-I have been terminally ill for some time now and my friends only recently found out-for the first while they were brilliant for the most part but now they have an extreme problem in believing that I am sick.They pick holes in everything I say and some of them have gone to that lexicon of medical knowledge Google to try and disprove that my illness can affect me or even that its real without knowing quite a bit about it.Now I know that what I've posted already makes my friend sound like total asses but they all really mean a lot to me and I'm far from comfortable facing this alone-at the moment I'm operating a policy of "You're entitled to you're doubts but if you have them you're not entitled to my friendship" I even applied this to a girl who's been my best friend for five years.Now I know that deffo sounds like im being a total muppet about the situation but I dont need to have people being cloak and dagger when I am in the situation I am in and I really dont need people who think I'd lie and hurt them so severly just to get a bit of attention.

So my question is this-what is the best course of action for me to take with my friends?Do I tell them one last time how serious this all really is or do I just carry on as I have been and eliminate the ones who think I am lying to them?Im not asking for a miracle cure to my sickness but I would really appreciate advice on this topic as I obviously cant go to my mates.

Thanks.

Beruthiel

I'm sorry to hear you are un well

I would say not to give your mates too hard a time about it - they obviously care about you and don't know what to do to make this go away - so of course they are going to try and come up with 'something' that hasn't been tried yet...

I suggest sitting them down, explain that you wished to let them know but you would rather they not bring it up again unless you do - that you wish them to carry on as normal, you told them cos you wanted them to know, you didn't tell them so they could all become amateur doctors - tell them it's making you uncomfortable and that you know what you are doing and that they should respect that

if that doesn't work
then you can do a re think

take care
a

catspring

firstly, i'd like to say how sorry i am to hear about your illness

secondly, i imagine that your friends are probably just in a state of shock and don't want to believe that you're really sick. denial is a very natural reaction for them. i know that this might seem as if they do not care about you, but try to give them a little time. i spose that people get so caught up in their own feelings that they can forget to look at the larger picture, in that you are the one who needs the support.

maybe if you try asking the one you've been mates with for 5 years if this is the case, or even just explaining to her how you feel she'll realise that she needs to put her own feelings aside for the minute.

i wish you the best of luck, and i'm sure they'll come round

chump

It would help if you could explain what is wrong with you so we could give you our understanding of why they might think what they do and what we believe is the best approach to bring them around...

It just sounds unbelievable that they all doubt you are terminally ill ... I would imagine there's nothing you'd take more seriously than a friend telling you this

BaZmO*

Yeah I find it really difficult to understand how your friends don't believe you that you are actually terminally ill. Fair enough if they didn't believe you that you had some type of minor illness, but for them not to belive in something so serious I find astounding. Have you told them everything regarding your illness or are you holding back therefore giving them reason to doubt what you are saying?

If one of my friends told me that they were terminal ill I'd just believe what they were telling me without question, unless of course they were in the habit of telling porkies.

I'm sorry if this reply sounds harsh but I'm just totally confused as to how your friends could question your illness!!


B.

seamus

I'm sure your doctor went through with you about the stages you would go through with this illness. You sound like you've now accepted it, that it's going to happen.

However, as others have said, your friends are probably still in shock. Many of them are probably in denial, and a very big part of denial is finding ways to solve the problem or simply trying to find ways of saying "you're wrong". The fact that you seem to have accepted it may be their concern somewhat. They may think you've given up, when in fact you've probably looked at every possiblity they're presenting to you, twice over.

There's probably not much you can do. They will continue to try to pick holes in what you say, because if you're wrong, then they're right, and it's not happening. But it doesn't work like that. They'll come around eventually, they just need to be given time.

Canis Lupus

I'd have to agree with chump and bazmo there..... Why would your friends start to disbelieve that you are sick? Without sounding completely insensitive you haven't been totally imposing yurself on them have you? Or maybe you have been blaming a change in behaviour or something else on yur illness? You haven't suddenly become lazy asking your mates to do this and do that because you can't. Remember your friends only have so much patience even with you being sick.....

I'm not saying that this is the case but I personally find it hard to beleive that good friends would be cynical of you unless there is a reason for them to be.... Of course they may just be a pack of w*****s.

WhiteWashMan

im sure they would just like you to not be unwell.

of course, ive known one or two people on these boards who would probably make up a terminal illness just for the attention.

logic1

Do you have a history of lying or seeking attention from your friends? e.g. a cry wolf scenario.

It's a valid question as I don't think normal, right minded individuals would have any cause to doubt a close friend that tells them they're terminally ill.

There must be an underlying history which we don't know about. Either way you have two options, cut off your friends who will not take your word as fact that you are terminally ill or secondly if you value their friendship enough you could bring one along to a doctors meeting etc.. and prove without doubt you are ill.

The second option is really up to how you feel about proving yourself to individuals who should believe you in the first place anyway and may be against your morals but it's about the only options I can see available.

.logic.

meepmeep

what illness is it that you have? (if you don't mind me asking)

It could be that they're not educated enough about it, or could it be that you have a history of attention seeking, and its the boy who cried wolf kinda thing?

Not meaning to be harsh, but if you google an illness you are likely to find some sites with some good information, it won't just be all rubbish, so maybe they haven't found anywhere that says its terminal. Also, are you sure its terminal? Sounds like a stupid question, but a doctor could say that theres a chance you would die, and plenty of people could turn that into "i have a terminal illness"....

Anyway, get them some proof if its true, either by (as above) taking one of them to a doctors appointment with you, or getting a doctor to give you some literature that you can show them.

I don't see any real friends not believing someone has a terminal illness without reason.

LegacyUser

I have a brain tumour-admittedly at the start I told them it was a less serious illness to avoid hurting my best mate of five years but I saw pretty quickly that, that wasnt the right thing to have done and went about informing them properly-I dont want attention and have never been in a "boy crying wolf" kind of situation.

Maybe its because we're all still really young-18,19 etc.

Thanks for all the help, much appreciated.I think I'll just give my friends a bit more time ot try and deal with it or whatever before I start dropping them out of my life.

Beruthiel

sonofgort wrote:

Maybe its because we're all still really young-18,19 etc.

well there you have it, it's difficult enough for an adult to deal with this kind of thing, for people this young, it's inconceivable that you should be going through this at your age

I think I'll just give my friends a bit more time ot try and deal with it

this would seem the best thing to do, news like this takes time to digest
a

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the help everyone-I appreciate it.

mycroft

Good luck and please keep us posted

LegacyUser

Well I know this is dragging up and old post but I notice how few people actaullyl follow up on the stuff that they post here and I thought I would. I did all I was told on this board and little changed. One night I exploded at my assembled friends out of the blue-all but two of them saw at that moment that I wasnt an oscar award winning actor and were pretty much stunned into dropping their doubts and apologised profusefly and are now being unbelievably supportive. The other two arent worth my consideration anymore. I'd like to thank everyone who gave me support when I posted this originally you were very helpful.

Slutmonkey57b

That's good to hear.

If you ever want any unhelpful advice, or some mindless abuse now that you dropped your idiot friends, you know where to come. I'm sure we can be at least as thoughtless as them if you find you miss them at all.

40crush41

i just wanted to write how sorry i am to hear about ur illness, and about people giving u a difficult time when life right now is surely not easy. im glad that u have been able to secure your friends again -the other 2.. good luck to them..
im not sure of what else to say, but i admire how brave you are.
your in my prayers ~Beth

Bottle_of_Smoke

sorry this isnt advice but just wanna ask ya something.

Do you do things differently? are you more likely to take chances than you would have been before you found out about the illness? I'd just always assumed that would be the case but i could be wrong, feel free to pm me a reply and no pressure to reply eitherway, just sorta curious