Abusive dad

LegacyUser

he has been bit hot tempered from that start but i havent lived with him much as he is a doctor and works away, he is very overprotected.
He didnt let my sister go to her debs even. He does not let me go out late at all, i am 19, today my younger brother went outside (he is 15) and said he would be home by 10, he had his phone off or something and dad kept ringing and going crazy and started giving out to my mother, he then took the car too look for him ( some random place ?) and came home angry, my bro reach home at 10:30 and he went down stairs and opened the door and started slapping him there when i stopped him and at this point i dragged him in and tryed to explain that it wasnt the end of the world and he argued angrly (superiority complex) and walked off saying he would beat the **** into me, he shut his door and continued to shout at my mother.
My sister went to witness and had to leave early due to him and on that day around 11 he was going to hit my mother because she let her go to it and when i stopped him, he tried to hit me, he has hit my mother before.
What should i do ? i cant move out as i am the oldest person in the house,
:S
im living with a ****ing phsyco
and no hes not a good dad, ive seen pictures of him with other girls and letters and emails, dirt. Ive had enough, it was only 10:30 !!!!!!

LegacyUser

My mother was very physically agressive - I went for councelling first as I wanted to make sure that the cycle did not repeat and also it made me stronger and gave me choices. I was the youngest which was easier in that way but in the end I had to move out - I ended up having a good relationship with her as long as I did not live with her and she did appologise at one stage...I moved back in briefly when I was 29 and the abuse continued...

demanufactured

cops dude cops

or bate the livin shyte outa him with a hammer

LegacyUser

well if he goes to jail then i dont know how the family would survive with no or VERY low income.
beating him would result in a shaky unknown future but thats the best bet.

also on a comic note, sometimes i have xxx dialers on my desktop.
(my bro cant use a pc) so i wonder who!

Simi

Calling the cops is only a temporary solution, although I would recommend it if he becomes violent again. The best option would be to contact social services and get them involved. Thats what they're there for. Getting them to show up at the house unannounced is probably not the best option. Setting up a private meeting and explaining your situation will help them act appropriately. Although from what you've said you could probably have your dad arrested on child abuse charges.

Mutz

Yes - Call the Gardai the next time. Depending on what religion you are, you may get the health board to apply for a safety order to be applied against your father on you and your family's behalf, or you may go to the district family law court to apply for the said order. Just explain that you feel that your familys health and safety are at risk due to his behaviour. If he fails to keep to the saftey order, he can be arrested.

Either way, do something now or the violence will get worse. It's up to you, but read the following topic on Google

dub45

This is obviously not a new situation so can you give us any idea of what steps might have been taken by members of your family before now or is this a closely guarded secret that nobody knows about outside your family

What is your mothers role in this and what state is she in? (What I mean is does she 'defend' your father and want to keep the matter secret or does she realise that something needs to be done and most importantly is she ok with either taking that action or supporting you in taking it?

If she is ok and agrees that something needs to be done then I think it would be best in the longer term if whatever steps you take are agreed in advance between you (this would save the two of you fighting against each other).

I would suggest that as a first step you contact your local social services as soon as possible they should give you advice on all the options open to you.

If you are in the Dublin area there is a list of emergency numbers on page 2 of the 01 phone book and I presume there would be the same range of information in the provincial phone books.

This
link

will give you some advice and phone numbers (just click on the arrow in each section and it expands.

I am a bit concerned about your last remark as it suggests theres even more going on here but anyways try and take some considered and agreed action as soon as possible.

tribble

Yep - the gardai, child abuse.

If you're feeling generous(brave?) you might threaten him with it first.

Personally, if it was my dad I'd have beaten the crap out of him.
But that's just me.

OfflerCrocGod

demanufactured wrote:

or bate the livin shyte outa him with a hammer

Don't know whether that is a very good long term solution. Your mother should file for divorce and use this 'dirt' you talk about to take the bastard to the cleaners. It will hurt him more then "bateing the livin shyte outa him".

ferdi

tell him if he does it again he will be in a world of ****.

that is totally outragous behaviour. you will have to either threaten him with cops or you and a group of your mates waiting for him outside work.

Caesar_Bojangle

I agree with dub45. If your mother defends your father and denies that a serious problem exists, you could find yourself in an even worse situation should you take some kind of action without her consent. She might stand by him and possibly cut you out altogether.

I'd advise you to talk it over with your mother first and tell her that something has to be done, and if she doesn't see sense expose your father to your whole family, i.e. explain the abuse you have suffered over the years to your uncles, aunts and grandparents.

I think you know what you have to do.

LegacyUser

okay, thankyou people.
It hasnt been a secret we have just gotten used to it, he screams at everything and anything, he is a real life phsyco. Im afraid that if he was to put away then it would be hard for the family to survive ? no income ?

As for the last comment in my first post, thats just a bonus, to top it off. Nothing major.

i think its best i threaten him next time about social services and cops.
My mother does not like the abuse but i doubt she will want me calling the authorities but thats only maybe because she is scared.

Now he doesnt going around beating us, hes never touched me yet but i think there is a mass anger management problem here.

Sleepy

Tell him if he raises a finger to anyone in the family again that your mother will see the evidence you have of him being with other women and hint that her solicitor will get a copy too. That's if you feel like trying to sort him out otherwise just do exactly that.

summer_ina_bowl

Being so diplomatic don't always work sleepy, my dad used to be slap happy 2 and he drank alot, he didn't give a dam about any blackmailin i tried, eventually i got eerily strong for a girl and hit him back. The look on his face was priceless and he never ever hit me or my little brother and sister again. Also, I know why you wouldn't wanna leave home, I was the same, but now that I have moved out I realise it would've been a good step to take back then as your new gaff gets to act as a refuge.

dub45

doesntmatter wrote:

okay, thankyou people.
It hasnt been a secret we have just gotten used to it, he screams at everything and anything, he is a real life phsyco. Im afraid that if he was to put away then it would be hard for the family to survive ? no income ?

As for the last comment in my first post, thats just a bonus, to top it off. Nothing major.

i think its best i threaten him next time about social services and cops.
My mother does not like the abuse but i doubt she will want me calling the authorities but thats only maybe because she is scared.

Now he doesnt going around beating us, hes never touched me yet but i think there is a mass anger management problem here.

Have you sat down with your mother and discussed this problem at length and considered your options? Unless you do and unless you decide to do something there is always going to be a next time. Action on your part does not necessarily mean him being taken away a financial crisis or anything of that nature. But you are all living in an emotional crisis which can damage you all for the rest of your life and your future relationships not to mention your physical health.

Pet

Are you Irish, or do you come from a culture/religion where the man is the "head of the house" so to speak? Because that can make things more difficult, especially if your mother is from the same situation..(get that much out of the way anyways)

j0e9o

You have to remember that this sort of problem is quite like drinking as in the sense its like a diease,
I recommend as many have done outside help I wouldnt go as far as cops but i would say get the social services involved this way the family can still have a chance to stay together were as having him arrested would rip it apart. Also with the social services they can help your father to maybe change lossen up point him in the direction of anger management courses, You say ure father has hit u which is a good sign, it means he hasnt go that volient yeah but this needs to be nipped in the bud cause only 10% of volient abusers make a full recovery to treatment. But have faith you know what has to change and without hope what have u got?
Be Strong

Joe

DublinWriter

Amazing that this **** still happens in Irish society in 2004, but there ya go.

Firstly, you say he's a Doctor, so I'll assume you're all fairly middle-class. The Garda/Social Services blackmail route might be a short-term solution as he has a social and professional standing and image to maintain.

Secondly, I'd say that he himself came from a fairly brutal upbringing and that his parents were equally bad, if not worse.

Thirdly, it needs to be addressed long-term. Medical people make the absolute worst patients, and while he might resist the idea of conselling and even psychoanalysis at first, this will be the only thing that will help him short of a prison sentance.

I wish you the best of luck.

billy the squid

http://www.ispcc.ie/childline.html

I'm assuming that your siblings are below the age of 18, and as I am not an expert, there is a link to people that no more than I do.

Best thing to do is seek advice from a professional rather than a message board.

hope you have better luck.

DonkeyStyle \o/

Tell him when he gets old you're going to put him in a home.
I've got some nasty memories of getting battered around the place, "I'll take me belt off to ya'" being a regular catch-phrase... but in time, the roles change and the kids become the ones in charge.

Mutz

DublinWriter wrote:

...
Secondly, I'd say that he himself came from a fairly brutal upbringing and that his parents were equally bad, if not worse.
....

[rant]
Please Dublinwriter - don't talk bull**** by painting everyone the same colour. I had a "brutal upbringing" and yet amazingly I dont go around decking my family. This is a myth of the problem of Domestic Violence. It may be written in a book somewhere but it has yet to be solidly proven.

And besides, I fail to see what your point has got to do with the Original posters problem. He would be unable to approach the father as a likely response to this comment would be a beating.

Sorry if i seem sensitive to this subject but I feel that I should stand up for many of the children who grew up where domestic Violence was present, and who are getting this completely ignorant treatment from others.
[/rant]

Also the original poster should check out www.womensaid.ie
They provide support financially, emotionally and can provide shelters in times of crisis.

j0e9o

mutz it has been proven that 90% of abusers have been abused themselves, he was just trying to spread light on the situation, he didnt say that because u have been abused u are likely to be an abuser

Mutz

Fair enough joe90, but as the saying goes 90% of statistics are wrong.

LegacyUser

thank you all for your replys, i was talking my mom the day after and i was amazed on how much she backed him up !

Question i asked her : what about the time he hit u ?
Her : well if i leave my life wouldnt be any better.

Another thing she said is that hes working for us and other BULL****.
he hit a 15 year old because he was home 30 min late, he pulled a freaker and took his car and started yelling like a mad man, this guy is a phsyco.

My bro started talking to him the next, despite the fact i told him not to.
I told her (mom) that this **** is too much and im gonna get therapy and she said she will give me therapy, i said i still get thoughts and flashbacks when he hit her and she said something stupid like we all get thoughts, is she ****in stupid? not everyone is emotional strong, im gonna move out next year, they can stay with the phsyco and if anymore il ring social servies, he can rot in hell.

Thanks all for help.
Also im not irish but culture = father,head.

Fionn101

man your doing the right thing by taking some action.

if you do get rid of him you wont be left with no money , there are court orders that legally require him to provide maintainence for your family . call the social services without telling anyone , they will advise you before acting ,

They won't ask for your name or address without your consent,
it IS the best thing to do.
If he threatens violence ring the cops immediatley , it seems he has you all in fear now but if you make that first contact with the police then he will be 'known' to the Gardai , and very less likely to consistently have the gardai calling around.

Hope it works out
Good luck with it