two poems - please comment

edibility

Wardrophobe


The thin strip of black
lies against the already dark horizon.
It gapes, taunting, teasing,
suggesting colours unknown inside.

In our minds it seems to
widen, our deepest fears climbing
crawling - jumping - pushing.
Our brain works overtime, while
the clock that ticks to keep us
sane loses momentum.

Terrified we stare, transfixed by the
prospect of our imaginations' attack.
Mesmerised we watch and wait.

As we watch we grow, and
as we grow our fears evolve, echo
-but intensify instead of fade, reflecting
our surroundings in the sound,
warping our day dreams, and gleefully flinging
them in our faces just to watch us flinch.

While inside, mediocre and commonplace,
our clothes hang, smiling at us,
laughing at our fear,
swinging lightly in their mirth.

---

(two versions of the next one here, just different in structure...please comment on which you think is better thankee)

---

Candy Personified


Glittering, sugary saliva gives a glossy
coating to her chubby juice-red lips.
Sherbert, tingling and fizzing, tickles
upon the pink lollipop of her tongue.

Powdered, her cheeks like frosting
adorn her face, the perfect cake.
Liqourice pipes thick and rigid, her
lashes blink, inviting watering mouths.

Fluffy, piled high, her hair bounces
like a fairground candy floss delight.
Jellys, quivering, glint invitingly,
neck and fingers merely displays.

Dolly mixture pastels bond to form an
allsorts-angora, smooth and gentle.
Marshmallows pink, soft and fluffy
are knitted around rice-paper licked legs.


Succulent and juicy, on the sum of her
parts, our starving, craving eyes feast.
Smiling invitingly, she licks her lips,
so we can almost taste their sweetness.


Longingly, we move closer.


And suddenly the veil falls, and the
facade becomes thin enough to see through.
We step back, but the damage is done-
our minds are opened to the bitter truth.

Old and rotting, her candy coating
can only conceal so much.

---

(alt)

---

Candy Personified


Glittering, sugary saliva gives a glossy coating to her chubby juice-red lips.
Sherbert, tingling and fizzing, tickles upon the pink lollipop of her tongue.

Powdered, her cheeks like frosting adorn her face, the perfect cake.
Liqourice pipes thick and rigid, her lashes blink, inviting watering mouths.

Fluffy, piled high, her hair bounces like a fairground candy floss delight.
Jellys, quivering, glint invitingly, neck and fingers merely displays.

Dolly mixture pastels bond to form an allsorts-angora, smooth and gentle.
Marshmallows pink, soft and fluffy are knitted around rice-paper licked legs.


Succulent and juicy, on the sum of her parts, our starving, craving eyes feast.
Smiling invitingly, she licks her lips, so we can almost taste their sweetness.


Longingly, we move closer.


And suddenly the veil falls, and the facade becomes thin enough to see through.
We step back, but damage is done - our minds opened to the bitter, savoury truth.

Old and rotting, her candy coating can only conceal so much.

summer_ina_bowl

The first candy personified is better, the second layout seems to cause it to drag on a bit. Altogether, I preferred wardrophobe.

shiv

i like wardrophobe, the first candy structure, especially the lines about her face being the perfect cake

edibility

Thank you both for commenting I decided on the first form as well after posting, but I left the second there anyway