my coming out

LegacyUser

i just wanted to tell ye all about my experience with coming out, cos it was especially strange.

I came out to my friends when i was 14 and most of them took it very well. They had a few strange misconceptions but i soon set them right and everyone eventually became fairly comfortable with it.
A few weeks later, two of my friends came to me, each on their own, and told me that they were also gay. It was kinda good news, cos it meant i wasnt on my own.
Anyway, because we were friends and all, i started to experiment with one of them, he was my best friend at the time.
After about a year and a half of all of this. I was well comfortable with my sexuality.
So one day at school when someone called me "Gay", i responded with "Yes, So?!"
And it all started from there. Some ppl were ok. Loads of people couldnt believe it. I One person spat on me!
After a few weeks, i had to take it back and say i was joking. I was treated so badly, that i had to fold and tell them i lied, to save face.
Anyway, at the same time, i had told a few friends about me and my gay friend playing around. He wasn't out at the time. But i was so proud of myself having a boyfriend that i had to tell them. So i told three of my best friends who were girls.
Months later, one of the Girls had a fight with my friend. And it all came it, she used it against him, and proclaimed our secret to the whole world. Unfortunately the whole world included his parents.
He denied everything and said i made it up. His parents called me and my parents up to their house, and after about an hour of telling me i was lying and calling me disgusting. I admitted i was lying, nothing happened, i made it all up. I was grounded for a week, and had my phone taken away. My parents didnt know what to do. They brought me to a counsellor. Through the closed door i could her my mam telling the counsellor that she didnt want me anymore, and was there anywhere i could be sent, or were there drugs i could be given.
I was sent to a place for children with emotional problems for 7 weeks. It was hard being away from home. The whole place was staffed by nurses, and everything you did was noted and recorded. It was really weird. Like prison but without the horribleness. And it felt even more like prison because of why i was there. I had lied. I was wrong. I was a bad person. But i thought that if i stayed my parents would forgive me. And they did. Kind of.
After all of this, i was completely wrecked. I was afraid to go outisde. I couldnt go to school. I had no friends left. I stayed home every day on my own.
After a couple of months i decided to make a fresh go of it. I joined a drama club, and a youth club, and went outside, and made friends. And it was ok. Most people had forgotten.
School was not too bad. Some ppl did remember the "gay" thing, but most had forgotten and i just re-appeared queitly and studied for my junior cert.
I did really well in my junior cert. i got all A's and B's. All this time i still had to go to a counsellor. I had to discuss why i had lied, why i felt the need to, and how i was sorry i had hurt people. Even though i didn't lie. I tried to tell the truth.
Even now my parents like to keep me busy, so i dont become bored and start imagining stories again.
I am in sixth year now, and i am 18 in a couple of weeks. I never really told my parents i was gay. I am afraid to tell them now. I dont want them to ask me questions.
I dont know if i will ever to be able to properly tell someone about being gay again.
No-one else knows the real story. No-one knows that i didnt lie and that my "friend" was the one lying. My whole family know, although they have forgiven me. The whole town heard about it at the time. This is the first time i have said the real story to anyone.
I still see him everyday in school, he just looks straight through me. Sometimes when other people are around he gives me dirty looks, or says things about me to them, he has to keep up an act that i wronged him.

I am fairly sure that nobody else had this experience with coming out. I'm really sorry for writing a big long story, but i needed to tell someone.
I dunno why i wrote it, i just felt like i needed to say it somehow...

swiss

That's a sad and poignant story.

Unfortunately secondary schools in Ireland are among the most bigoted places when it comes to attitudes towards gay people. Immaturity and ignorance are the two main reasons as to why this is the case. Your friends may have been open and accepting about it, since they were/are your friends, but in a herd mentality, schoolchildren will rail against what they don't understand. So therefore it was a mistake to come out in school. I know that sounds harsh, but it's a sad reality. You tried to take it back, but unfortunately some genies just don't go back into the bottle.

I find it a little hard to blame the kids either, they don't really know any better, and your gay friend was just trying to protect himself from the kind of hassle you recieved. Frankly I'm angry at how your parents treated you. Instead of being supportive and trying to find out why you were behaving in that manner, your mother disowned you. I don't think it would be any use at this stage trying to explain to them what you're going through, they appear to be quite content to wrap themselves in their comforting blanket of denial.

At this stage though you really shouldn't be worrying about any of that. You have your Leaving Cert ahead of you, and your priority should be focused on getting as good a result as you can so that you can pursue whatever endeavour you want to achieve. Colleges usually foster a much more open and tolerant atmosphere with regard issues like sexuality, incidentally.

The main point I wish to make is that you're on the verge of adulthood, with all the responsibilities and freedoms that this transition entails. You can use this opportunity to make a fresh start and break away from the restrictions, narrow mindedess and bigotry so prevalent in your present environment.

OfflerCrocGod

That's pretty horrid, especially how your parents reacted......I mean that is incredibly narrow minded; they're your parents how could they act like that ! As swiss has already said College/University is a different type of place all together so you shouldn't get that sort of an extreme reaction. At least you bounced back up from the low which is great to hear Don't let anyone get you down, I suppose that's the important thing.

Boston

In away though you did wrong him, you told people about his sexuality without consulting him. You exposed him, and he may not have been as sure about it as you where. he might honestly be resentfull towards you. Still tough break.

Stark

Aye, technically you did wrong, but you're young and we make these kinds of mistakes. Of all the parties involved, you were obviously the one who was least in the wrong. Your parents' reaction I found quite disturbing. Have you told these things to your counsellor? Your counsellor is there to provide a confidential service so you shouldn't feel like you can't tell him/her. If it really is the situation that you can't tell him/her then you need to find a better counsellor.

fozzle

You poor, poor guy. It all started so well.

I take it your friend is no longer speaking to you? I think it's important that the two of you sit down and discuss what happened. Boston's right that it was bad form to "out" him to your friends, and that he probably resents you for that, but I know how hard it can be to be proud of someone and not be able to express it. You're both older now though, and perhaps you can work through this.

Is your counsellor confidential, or is he/she repeating everything to your parents? Because I think it would do you could to discuss this with him/her. Remember, no matter what reason you went to them first, they are there to help you, not to make you conform with whatever your parents want. If it is a school counseller I would suggest trying to see one from outside your school, as they will be less likely to make asumptions based on your based "behaviour".

Certainly your Leaving Cert is the most important thing for you right now though. I do think you should talk to your counseller about the truth, but I think that talking to parents or friends should probably wait, unless you're feeling very positive about their reactions. Remember, everyone is going to be quite wound up this year, so little things can explode in your face.

I'm assuming from your nick that you're in Galway. If you're in the city I'd suggest going to NUIG's lgbt society. They meet on Tuesday nights afaik and they've no problems with younger people attending meetings. They're a great crowd, and it can be as discrete as you like, you can just go to the meeting and then leave again. They also have a new internet forum, http://student.nuigalway.ie/~pluto/phpBB2/index.php
were you can find out about support in Galway.

Go to college. It's the easiest environment around for figuring this stuff out in, there's far less judgment and in a big college you aren't stuck with the same 30 people for 5/6 years, unlike in school. Which is nice.

Best of luck, I hope you can get back to the confidence in yourself that you had before.
fozzle

Mercury_Tilt

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UNIFLU

my heart goes out to you, it must be tough but you have to remain positive, life is such a srtuggle when young, the pack mentality is a brutal thing when young but is unavoidable. you sound like you are very strong within yourself and i must commend that. i truly hope and wish that this had never occured to you in this manner. it is obviously painful to have gone through this and has caused you serious anguish but you have to look forward to making a life for yourself. school is a training ground of sorts (as i see it) for future life, you go through the hoops and realise what is important to you.

methinks you should register here and join in (if youre not already), there are loads of great and extremly helpful people here.

in the mean time a big hug to you and i truly hope life presents to you all the opportunities and happiness you truly deserve,

Eoin.

Zillah

I remember the first time my answer to being called gay was "Yeah, so?". That was fun. He got kinda confused and looked around him for support. He got really embarassed when he realised the room was full of my friends, all of whom knew that I'm bisexual. Yeah I enjoyed that.

I empathise with your story, your parents are the kind of people that make me want to get a katana. Ohhh, you're going to like college. Come to dublin! This is my second year in college and things are going great. I was in UCD for a year and the attitude there is really good in regards to sexuality. I'm in IT tallght now, it's not quite so open but it's so so so much better than school.

God now that I think of school I recall just how horrible the place was. My congratulations on coming to terms with everything so soon, I was still getting my head around it up to a year or so ago.

Your parents seem to be a bit of a lost cause. Although you appear to be quite secure in yourself, you don't seem to externalise it. Take confidence in who you are and remember, you can always give the world the finger. Tell your counsellor the truth and use him/her as a help, not a chore. If it doesn't work out, screw em, there's no point lying to a counsellor repeatidly.

Thanks for sharing

LegacyUser

i am not from galway. but i dont want to say where actually. i dont want to be accused of spreading more stories. thanks for all your support guys. i just had to say something.

I dont see the counsellor anymore. After about a year i convinced her i was feeling much better with myself, which i was. And she said i was ready to stop going to her, if i felt i wanted to. So, no more counsellor.

The reason why i never told the counsellors the truth is because they negotiated the whole 7 week holiday thing, and it wouldve raised issues etc... Plus at the time, i kinda wished i had been lying. I convinced myself i was, so i wouldnt become bitter over the "punishment" (for want of a better word) that i had to put up with. I kinda believed i deserved it for some reason or another.

I spoke to my mam. She was actually great about it. Last time it was all such a shock for her that she totally over-reacted. But when i spoke to her, she told me she would always love me, and that i could be whatever i wanted. And that no-matter who, or what i chose to spend my life with she would be happy and supportive of us both, as long as we loved each other and were happy. Its such a relief.
I am definitely going to college, somewhere around the dublin area. So hopefully i will get in with the LGB crowd wherever i go.

Thank a lot for all you guys have said.

Edinwnfk

wow, u came out at 14? i`m 55 and havent done so yet.... good luck mate.
ed

the_syco

Ouch. My heart goes out to you. Not "fitting in" in school sucks. If you can, go to a college where you can stay there for the week (if its too far from home), and you'll be able to join the soc's there, and not have to get the bus home @ 6pm every day (which stops you from going to the clubs/socs @ 8pm).

The difference of people's attidude's from 6th year post-primary, to 1st year college is very big. Also, once in college, alot less people will care who you are, and you'll start to enjoy life.

Good luck, and have fun. Your life will start after your Leaving Cert.