dirty minds???

cajun_tiger

do i have one???

SantaHoe

Shouldn't be too hard to check tbh... surprised you haven't noticed one by now.

woosaysdan

cajun_tiger wrote:

do i have one???

why dont you shower?

pickarooney

"A dirty mind in a dirty body" as the old Community Games slogan went.

woosaysdan

i dont get it!!!

pretty-in-pink

my mind is like monicas house-

woosaysdan

full of dirty tops?

pretty-in-pink

full of rubber gloves!

woosaysdan

monica didnt use a glove she used her mouth

Ro: maaan!

What's my age again?

therecklessone

I have a filthy mind, I find its usually a bad sign when you disgust even yourself with some of your own comments...

woosaysdan

that happens to me all the time as well

Hmm_Messiah

hehe
I teach night classes and once there was a request made to have toe room BLESSED!!! after one of my classes

And the Administrator arranged it!

Nothing to do with a dirty mind, but there wasn't a thread about sad peoples reaction fear of witchery

Ya know the thing about can you touch your nose with your tongue ....? I can touch my tongue with my nose ? is that unusual?

banquo

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

I can touch my tongue with my nose

only the true messiah could possess such powers...

koneko

I can do that. You ain't special homes

pickarooney

Doesn't count if you're a WITCH with a hooked nose and a snake's tongue. Woooooooooo, a WITCH!

smoke.me.a.kipper

ive often managed to discust myself with some comment.

koneko

pickarooney wrote:

Doesn't count if you're a WITCH with a hooked nose and a snake's tongue. Woooooooooo, a WITCH!

Takes one to know one!

HE'S A WITCH, BURN HIM!

pickarooney

A WITCH! wrote:

Takes one to know one!

Ah-hah, a confession, a confession!

smoke.me.a.kipper

theres only one way to determine if shes a witch.

Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 : Burn them.
Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 : More witches.
Peasant 2 : Wood.
Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 : Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 : Bread.
Peasant 2 : Apples.
Peasant 3 : Very small rocks.
Peasant 1 : Cider.
Peasant 2 : Gravy.
Peasant 3 : Cherries.
Peasant 1 : Mud.
Peasant 2 : Churches.
Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead!
King Arthur : A Duck.
Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere : And therefore...
Peasant 2 : ...A witch!

koneko

Watch out
I might smote you with my witch powers
they work from very far away.
i also have witch contacts in holland and they can smote you even more
WATCH OUT FOR THE SMOTING

je bent gek, joh!

pickarooney

I fear no man! I'm just... going to put.... money in the meter

that damn film again wrote:

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

therecklessone

That's torn it...



HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!

smoke.me.a.kipper

lol, here we go...

King Arthur - Stand aside.
Black Knight - Its only a scratch.
King Arthur - A scratch?!! Your arms off!
Black Knight - No its not.
King Arthur - Then what's that?
Black Knight - Ive had worse.
King Arthur - You liar.
Black Knight - Come on ya pansy.

therecklessone

I love this game...

STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG: What?!
LORETTA: It's my right as a man.
JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
REG: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG: But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.
REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA: [crying]
JUDITH: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.

therecklessone

Now you listen here! He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go away!

Hmm_Messiah

Just for Konekos information "Smoting" is so last century

much occult practise is now termed as "voting republican"


I got blisters on my foot, betya never guess how that happened

woosaysdan

Reg is addressing a room of masked commando’s (MC) some are named eg S,X,F etc

R: We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
X : What exactly are the demands?
R : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
R: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
S : And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: Yes.
S: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
X: The aqueduct?
R: What?
X: The aqueduct.
R: Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
MC: And the sanitation!
S: Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
R: All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans HAVE done ...
M: And the roads ...
R: (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
MC : Irrigation ...
O: Medicine ... Education ... Health
R: Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
MC : And the wine ...
ALL : Oh yes! True!
F: Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
MC: Public baths!
S : AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
F: Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ... (general nodding) ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
R: All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans ever done for US?
X: Brought peace!

BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN: What?
BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be
put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me
the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: What?!
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a
right bloody mess.
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail him up, I say!

THE DEAD PARROT SKETCH

[Scene: pet shop. Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.]
Praline (John): Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean, miss?
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look!
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline: Resting?
Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful pumage, innit?
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no--it's just resting.
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper: I did not. Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage,shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot,wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned.
Praline: Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examimimg that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!.
Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining.
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture. Shopkeeper: I've got a slug. Praline: Does it talk?
Shopkeeper: Not really, no.
Praline: Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline: Bolton, eh.
Shopkeeper: Yeah.
Praline: All right.
[He leaves, holding the parrot. CAPTION: `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS' Close-up uf sign on door reading: `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.]
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper: No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
Praline: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)

####

smoke.me.a.kipper

i have a vwery good fwiend in wome called biggus dickus!

woosaysdan