help

LegacyUser

hi, im 21, female, i think i have a problem with sex. i lost my virginity to a rapist when i was 16,(im not looking for sympathy here, im just giving the backdrop).
that resulted in bad depression which still hasnt left me unfortunately. anyway after that first experience i went on a bit of a rampage, i hadnt fully comprehended that i had been raped and it wasnt my fault. so i let anyone sleep with me, basically. this continued for about a year.
i had a particularly horrible experience with a 'good' friend who boozed me up and had sex with me, he knew about my insecurities with sex, so it was awful.

then when i was 18, i met my now ex boyfriend, and he was such a relief, he took care of me, and waited untill we were properly together before waiting untill i suggested sex, and then made sure i was completley happy with it, it was so so so nice that the pattern i had created for myself was finally broken. so we went out for just over two years, and i broke up with him, (i was getting too deppressed and it was ruining our relationship, other factors too though)

so we've been broken up for about 9 months now, and im still deeply in love with him, we're really good friends, i'd like to think. but anyway, since we broke up, ive been kissing randomers, with no thought of asking myself if i really want it, ive four one night stands which made my self esteem plummet (yet i never seemed to learn from it)

i keep promising myself that ill wait till im in a relationship again before i have sex, but i get confused between attention and affection and i let the person do whatever they want, and i have a scary need to please them, or i think they'll be annoyed with me. when what realy happens is they lose respect for me and i lose it for myself, which is really dangerous for me.

so the other night i was at a party and ended up getting very drunk and kissing two randomers and sleeping with a friend. my ex , who i really care about, was there too, and heard about it.

i feel so down. i havent left the house, its so awful because its all my own fault. i already know i shouldnt drink because invariably i end up with someone i shouldnt be with, if only for my own mental health.

also it doesnt help that my ex and i have been sleeping together since we broke up, which hightens the emotional factor in it all. i love him, i asked him to get back with me about 4 months ago and he refused. now he says last night confirmed for him that i couldnt be trusted, but i never ever cheated on him!

i know he's hurt really really badly, i know if i heard he'd been with loads of people etc etc i think id actually disintigrate. i know i wouldnt be able to cope.

ive ruined everything, as usual, i had one really really good person in my life who wasnt going to screw me over and of course i manage to ruin it.

obviously i apologised for the other night, the last thing i wanted was to hurt him, but its like im hell bent on hurting myself. im feeling so low at the moment, im going to talk about it with my counseller on friday, but untill then i dont know how im going to cope, i feel like im coming apart,

AngryBadger

i don't think anyone on here can say anything to help with this, you've pointed out all the things you need to stop doing...and as you said you're going to talk to you counsellor about this,which is a good idea,as to the boyfriend, he's speaking out of hurt on all that stuff, and if he refused to get back with you then he doesn't have any place doing that.

Xterminator

Hi,

I know your not looking for sympathy, but you have mine anyway.
You've had a bad time of it!

I think you should get professional advice. Go to your GP.

To just give you a small bit of advice, you know you dont really want a sexual relationship on the first night. So perhaps if you can decide beforehand, that you wont, it mighjt be eeasier on the night to day no?
(IE decide beforehand and try to stick to it?)

That would be my advice, it works for me.

Finally, i dont think you need to be looking for a relationship with someone else, until you have you self esteem issues in hand. I know its sounds corney, but you need to love yourself first.

Good luck.

X

Sleepy

Casual Sex is not necessarily a bad thing. You seem to suffer from the old Catholic "nice girl" syndrome. There's nothing wrong with having casual sex if that's all you and the other person want from it and you use protection.

Don't delude yourself about the ex. If he didn't want to get back with you, knew that you did and kept sleeping with you anyway he's not that great a guy really, is he?

One more thing that comes across in your post is that this seems to happen when you've had too much to drink. I know that at times getting out of it seems very attractive when you're depressed but it might be a good idea to exercise some moderation and hold back on the alcohol.

Good luck, it's great to see that you're getting professional help for your depression. You'd be amazed at the amount of people that don't have that much sense!

Wolf

Right not sure im the person for this kinda thing but here goes....

Remember that Sex with someone anyone isn't a bad thing (consenting of course) its not a good thing its not anything its just an act unless you have deep feeling for someone thats when it becomes something more something special. It seems, although please correct me if im missing the mark, that you have a typical if some what skewed sense of self hate?
If im getting this wrong just say so, but let me put this forward and you can see if this is where u are? You sleep with people and that makes you feel bad because you didn't really want to in the first place, then you feel bad and hurt because you have done so? When people feel hurt and bad they want comfort and where do you find that comfort in the attentions of the opposite sex? You want so badly to feel loved and comforted that you think that if you say no then the person will lose interest and not like you perhaps? Maybe thats why you sleep with them and so on? Seems to me that you have a vicious circle going on there maybe? Chances are that if you said no to the people you have slept with they would be OK about its and if not is that the kind of person you really want attention off.

Also, if this kind of thing has been going on then you must be at least a half atractive girl? Do you realise this? more to the point do you appreciate this? What im getting at if at a party im getting on with a pretty girl and we start to kiss and other stuff happens and she seems to be applicable to more then of course im going to want to sleep with her. My point is that bear in mind maybe sometimes its up to you to say no im better than this or I want someone more than this.

As i have said before sleeping around is not exactly an evil thing to do so first stop beating yourself up over it. The real problem is that you have now hurt someone you care about in doing so, but, getting down about it will only lead to more missplaced affections. If you can talk too this chap of yours in some way, at least try to salvage the friendship as he sound like a good person. If you can't talk to him write a letter an e-mail anything so that he understand that in hurting him you have hurt yourself.

Not sure if any of thats any good, but, reply and set me straight on where iv probably got the wrong end of the stick.

Hope it works out for you and remember notthing is that bad that you can't fix it just have to love yourself a little more and believe in yourself.

Wolf

MistressPandora

Sleepy wrote:

Casual Sex is not necessarily a bad thing. You seem to suffer from the old Catholic "nice girl" syndrome.

WTF?!?! Are you insane or something? Sometimes I wish I could rip my arm off so I could beat you with it! There is clearly a problem and you're offering an opinion of "oh yeah, that's ok, as long as both sides of the party are cool with it". There's no chance in hell you'd ever win the Honourary Female Award from me, that's for sure.

Sleepy wrote:

Good luck, it's great to see that you're getting professional help for your depression. You'd be amazed at the amount of people that don't have that much sense!

/me grits teeth
It's not a case of not having sense to go see a professional, it's more of a case of having the courage to reveal your inner soul to a complete stranger.

To the orginial poster, I can't offer much advice, but keep strong, try to drink less (I know it's difficult, but if you can learn how to stay in control of the situation, it's gets easier to avoid these traps) and most importantly, keep talking to the professional you're seeing, either that or else I recommend the Samartians. They've helped me a lot, and you don't have to say anything you don't want to.
Best of luck.

I'm in such a bitchy mood today...

Kell

Wolf wrote:

As i have said before sleeping around is not exactly an evil thing to do so first stop beating yourself up over it. The real problem is that you have now hurt someone you care about in doing so, but, getting down about it will only lead to more missplaced affections.

Pfft. The real problem here is actually the fact that ALL rape victims go one way or another in regards to perceptions of sex i.e. thay A) dont want any at all or shy away from contact with people or they want it all the time mis-perceiving sex as love. Our poster is of the category and needs serious counselling.

This is not a simple issue of casual sex. What appears to be the case is that she has had her self esteem so badly wounded by the rape that it is leading to her accept sexual advances from any and all and it is slowly beginning to fúck her up.

Christ, does anyone read what other people post these days to jump to such half baked conclusions?

Anyway, girl you need to have the initial issue of the rape dealt with by counselling and you then need to have the subsequent issues dealt with too. Dont listen to people here who are saying "casual sex is OK just dont beat yourself up about it".

K-

Sleepy

MistressPandora wrote:

WTF?!?! Are you insane or something? Sometimes I wish I could rip my arm off so I could beat you with it! There is clearly a problem and you're offering an opinion of "oh yeah, that's ok, as long as both sides of the party are cool with it". There's no chance in hell you'd ever win the Honourary Female Award from me, that's for sure.

Eh? Sorry, am I not entitled to an opinion? Part of the original poster's problem is an unnecessary shame about the actual act of the one night stands. Yes, she the reason she sleeps around is something that she needs to work through but in the meantime there's no point in feeling bad about the acts themselves.

/me grits teeth
It's not a case of not having sense to go see a professional, it's more of a case of having the courage to reveal your inner soul to a complete stranger.

I'd say it was a bit of both tbh: having the sense to know you need help, and the courage to ask for it.

MrNuked

Don't have sex and kiss strangers if you are in love with a nice man who also loves you.
how long did you wait after breaking up with him to kiss someone else?
Realise you are killing him by doing this. Staying close to him so he has no chance of moving on and then kissing and sleeping with assholes.
you sound a bit like my ex. Who will read this and be offended.

The Corinthian

Sleepy wrote:

Eh? Sorry, am I not entitled to an opinion? Part of the original poster's problem is an unnecessary shame about the actual act of the one night stands. Yes, she the reason she sleeps around is something that she needs to work through but in the meantime there's no point in feeling bad about the acts themselves.

An opinion perhaps, but not a terribly well thought out one in this case. Under normal circumstances I might even agree with your opinion, but she did preface that she had been raped. As such it doesn’t take a genius to make the educated guess that introducing a less probable cause when a very obvious one is already present would be counter-productive and that the principle of Occam's Razor would instead seem to apply.

miniperson

Just a few to the point things to say

1. From your email I cannot understand whether you are ashamed of sleeping with people because you think it perceives you as "easy" or if you are upset because you are still in love with your ex and you do not know how to handle "moving on" or getting him back.

I can understand you being upset at both, more so for the second bit as you still have deep feelings for your ex.

From what I can see here, you have no need and should not apologise to this ex of yours. Why? Apologising, when you have nothing to apologise for, to him is giving him the power to feck you around.

I would advise you to lessen your contact with him for a few weeks. Give YOURSELF some space. Sort a few things out in your head. You know you can do it. Be strong ok? For yourself.

AngryBadger

with the exception of miniperson/Xterminator you've all managed to compeltely miss the point of the original post, and turn this into a debate over the rights/wrongs of casual sex.....good job idiots

Girl, in posting here you're looking for one of us to condone what you're doing,thus taking the responsibility away, or to dam it, and further perpetuate your emotional difficulties. That won't work. Please understand that I'm not trying to under-estimate the gravity of what you're saying,but the simple truth is that for you to get over the trauma you've been through you need to decide not to keep doing this to yourself. Talk to you counsellor, and listen to what they say. If you find you're constantly in social circles where people are up for it, and it's too difficult for you to say, then try to find other circles, other people who have a different attitude to sex, one that takes the pressure off you.

As to your ex, you're making him a node for all the stress,and torment you're feeling, that's no good. If he didn't want to get back with you when you asked, then that's that,it sucks, but you're making it harder for yourself by continuing to indulge your feelings for him.

Sorry,but the best advice is usually the hardest to take, burn the village to save the village and all that

NZAI

This is just my opinion, so take it as you want...

It is very unfortunate that you have been raped, but sadly it is pretty "normal" these days. I know a lot of girls who have been abused/raped. It's common so you are not alone.

You have to realise that your rape has nothing to do with any sex which you choose (whether you regret it the next day or not.) YOU are in control of your sexual life.

You have to try to let go of the past and begin to see your actions today as part of the way you are. Always looking to the past is just going to result in misery. If you focus on the present and what you can do today to make you happier, things will be a lot simplier.

My past has a lot of pain. And I know my past has shaped the person I am today, but I rather than let my self get depressed by analysing old memories over and over, I have accepted the I who I am, and I make decisions based on my life today and what I want for the future.

There is nothing wrong with having sex. There is nothing wrong with one night stands. I'd even say it's pretty healthy. You are young and now is the time to experiment with the opposite sex and make mistakes.

Stop beating yourself up. You are pretty normal!

Wolf

Err sorry Kell ill just go hide in the corner..............

(mutters something about lots of question marks and shakes his head)

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies,
sleepy i dont have any catholic girl complex, i promise,
i know casual sex is not a bad thing, but what its doing to me is really hurting me, and i cant seem to see that till after the event. even now its really clear what i have to do (or not do..) but when the time comes im like putty in their hands, its making me distrust all men.

thanks wolf, your first paragraph made a lot of sense, it is like some sort of insane cycle.

i might talk about it with my counseller but its only my third session with this particular one, so im not sure.

mr nuked, my ex does not love me any more, that is why he wont get back with me, and he's also staying close to me, and indulging himself too, it takes two etc etc.

thanks kell x

Sleepy

It seems that the first thing to do is to try and take yourself out of situations that lead to you doing these things. Cut down the drinking and stop seeing your ex.

Then work on your self esteem and build it up until you feel confident you can stand up for yourself and won't feel the need to do anything because someone else wants you to. Only when you know that you can say no to your ex or some randomer should you start drinking/seeing the ex again (if at that point you still have an interest in doing either!)

MrNuked

Yeah sorry about that: I noticed I hadn't read it properly after I read some of the other replies.

pickarooney

MistressPandora wrote:

/me grits teeth
It's not a case of not having sense to go see a professional, it's more of a case of having the courage to reveal your inner soul to a complete stranger.

That is, like, so totally the same thing but said by a man and a woman.