noopooom

Silent Grape

hi everyone, this is a poem i wrote for my ex boyfriend. critizise at will, im going to be giving it to him soon and i want it to be better.

The small smile,
bears witness
to your heart
Underneath the layers
of Rubble.
Your gentle hands,
Care, protect,
hold perfect
my body
in your grasp.
Lay your head on me now,
My Love,
The spinning and churning
has stopped.
We are at one with you now,
So Come,
Hold my hand,
and
watch
the sun rise with me

shiv

the first half is the strongest, you really don't need the rest methinks...

interesting subject for an ex...

AngryBadger

hmmm...I think it's a good poem, sounds to me like someone saying "I've come to terms", with the break up i assume? Unless you're trying to say the opposite, in which case...

Tiriel

Silent Grape wrote:

We are at one with you now,

We?

Silent Grape

thanks for your replies, badger you're kind of right about what its about, the 'we' bit is a long story

cheers

AngryBadger

Silent Grape wrote:

badger you're kind of right about what its about,

WOOHOO!! King among men baby,read it and weep universe

parker larkin

Sleep on it before giving it to him and then see how you feel. No point laying yourself open to something that may not go how you want it to go, or showing something to someone who won't appreciate it.
But fair play to you all the same for taking the chance

Silent Grape

ah sure i know he'll appreciate it, (he fnucking better) i just want to know how it could be better, because im so subjective about it

cheers

parker larkin

well, saying you asked!

:


The small smile,
bears witness
to your heart
Underneath the layers
of Rubble.
Your Gentle hands
Care, Protect,
hold perfect
my body
in your grasp.
Lay your head on me now,
My Love,
The spinning and churning
has stopped.
We are at one with you now,
So Come,
Hold my hand,
and
Watch
the sun rise
with me.

It's only some small punctuation and capitalisation changes. Of course it is all up to you at the end of the day.
If you don't mind, who are the 'we' in 'We are at one with you now' referring to. Only answer if you feel you want to.

Shad0r

Thought I'd replied to this before.

Great poem Silent Grape. I really enjoyed it. The first time I read it, it didnt flow properly but for me that was probably more the fault of my eyes than it was your writing.

(Or I could have been hungover....anyone else notice the way poems dont work when your hung over?? HAppens to me all the time!)