A star wars short story - Lost in War

Memnoch

Well I figured this kinda belongs on the creative writing board as well?

I guess non-star wars enthusiasts might not enjoy it though which is why i hesitated posting this kinda stuff here before

I appologise for posting it as a link but I have it formatted much better there already

http://forums.station.sony.com/swg/board/message?board.id=jedi&message.id=629982

AngryBadger

I think I see what you're trying to do with the way you approach the story, but you're too caught up in trying to describe the action, try to give the reader the details they need to understand what's going on, but let the story tell itself. You're way too bogged down in details, to the point where you're tripping over yourself trying to describe events. Also, an old rule of thumb I apply to any writing I do, (fiction/non-fiction), try to avoid using the same words over and over, push yourself to think of different words, or completely new sentences to get your point across, otherwise it becomes very dull, and unlike conversation, prose suffers for too much from repetition.

For example the section where Isruan fights the Sith, I found very hard to read. For one thing you start every other sentence/link with "he..." it gets very hard to keep reading that, also while you've tried to really get across the prowess of Isruan as a fighter, and a hero, you're way too caught up in a big extravagent fight sequence where he kills a million sith. As a result you have this overly complex piece. You could have had a much more effective battle where he just squared off against one or two,and it would have been easier for you to orchestrate the sequence.

Also, I absolutely hate the use of the quote "for a jedi Rokao,there is only do or do not,there is no try", cliched. Anyone even vaguely familiar with Star Wars knows that line, and you would have served your own story far better if you'd come up with another phrase, something that was your own. Using what is essentially a set piece like that, it smacks of I dunno...writer's block or something. Personally I'd have appreciated at least some effort at a new take on an old adage here.

That said, and sorry if I seem overly critical, I like the way you introduce Hoshi,do a bang-up job of making us assimilate him as a character,and avatar, then just kill him off to further the story. Gutsy move. And well done,I'm not saying writers should always kill off their characters, but eliminating a character you've spent time developing for the reader can be a stroke of genius if done correctly, and here it's done perfectly. Even the way he's unceremoniously hacked to death. No heroes fanfare,no BS words of wisdom. Well done.

Shad0r

Really well written. Good job, and I'd love to read more of your stuff.

Just copy and paste them in to this forum though. It would look much better imo in the normal black (or white) here than it would in that awful pink/red there.

But then again I think the only formatting you need is paragraphs and " " for dialogue.

Memnoch

AngryBadger wrote:

I think I see what you're trying to do with the way you approach the story, but you're too caught up in trying to describe the action, try to give the reader the details they need to understand what's going on, but let the story tell itself. You're way too bogged down in details, to the point where you're tripping over yourself trying to describe events. Also, an old rule of thumb I apply to any writing I do, (fiction/non-fiction), try to avoid using the same words over and over, push yourself to think of different words, or completely new sentences to get your point across, otherwise it becomes very dull, and unlike conversation, prose suffers for too much from repetition.

thanks for the honest critique. Yes in this story the action is the center piece. The next one in the series has almost no action in it. To be honest the story began as something else, and it was simply meant to be an introduction to the narrator who is supposed to become a very important charecter later on as the stories progress. However I ended up inadvertantly creating the other two charecters in order to offer a slight insight into the background of the narrator. So I ended up writing an entire short story over what should just have been a few paragraphs within the story of the narrator. But your point is well taken.

For example the section where Isruan fights the Sith, I found very hard to read. For one thing you start every other sentence/link with "he..." it gets very hard to keep reading that, also while you've tried to really get across the prowess of Isruan as a fighter, and a hero, you're way too caught up in a big extravagent fight sequence where he kills a million sith. As a result you have this overly complex piece. You could have had a much more effective battle where he just squared off against one or two,and it would have been easier for you to orchestrate the sequence.

in fairness he only killed about a dozen of them that time around! However I agree, I had another scenario where he just takes on a couple of people. The problem was I just didn't like the idea of Hoshi dying to a couple of them no matter how strong, it NEEDED a dozen Sith to bring him down, and since Isruan had surpassed him it made sense that he finish the job. Though I agree it may be over complex in places. His prowess as a fighter is important to me though, because I intend to further on that later on.

Also, I absolutely hate the use of the quote "for a jedi Rokao,there is only do or do not,there is no try", cliched. Anyone even vaguely familiar with Star Wars knows that line, and you would have served your own story far better if you'd come up with another phrase, something that was your own. Using what is essentially a set piece like that, it smacks of I dunno...writer's block or something. Personally I'd have appreciated at least some effort at a new take on an old adage here.

this is one of those strange things. As I was writing the story this quote just came to my head. And I decided to use it for a few reasons. Firstly I felt that it absolutely perfectly described his personality and style, his ethos and attitude so consicely. Also It provided something that most star wars fans would be familiar with straight away. Also I wanted to show how, even 4500 years ago the principles of the jedi philosophy were the same that yoda talks about later on. I agree that I could and perhaps SHOULD have created a new "catch phrase" though to be honest, in the 3 stories i've written so far this is the first time I've done this, so i've allowed myself this indiscretion
Another reason why I used this quote is because in another scenario I have Yoda telling this story to a bunch of young trainees at the academy, as an illustration of the meaning of that phrase.


All that being said, i'm very appreciative of the honest critique and will keep it in mind in writing future episodes.

Memnoch

Shad0r wrote:

Really well written. Good job, and I'd love to read more of your stuff.

Just copy and paste them in to this forum though. It would look much better imo in the normal black (or white) here than it would in that awful pink/red there.

But then again I think the only formatting you need is paragraphs and " " for dialogue.

thanks.

if you click on the link to this story, at the end there are links to two others in my signature. These three are the only star wars related short stories I've written so far however.

AngryBadger

I've just read the pass of three leaves. I'm impressed. I still make mostly the same complaints, but presumably this was written before "Lost in War".

You've got a knack for plot, and particularly setting, you've done a good job of describing the sith hostilities, from the way they actually attack, to the overview of their tactics, and also to how the jedi have been trapped, or forced to act as a consequence.

I still really think you're hung up on "go fast stripes" in your stories. Shakti has her sabers attached to her wrists? That's just grandstanding,and a jedi wouldn't be prone to that kind of grandstanding. I could deal with it if that were the only instance, but again, when you describe her showing Jaehenna how to use the saber, it's overdone. It seems like she's showing off to her daughter.

That said, once more I really like the way you've delivered the twists, we see Aryu for just a few lines, but he's established as a jedi of some standing, then in a blink he's actually a sith infiltrator. And that passage was all the more brilliant for how little you tried to get the details across. You took a a very minimalist approach to describing the butchery wrought by Aryu, or the way Jaehenna beheads him, but it was a much better passage for it.

One other complaint that I didn't note so much in "Lost in War" You stick too rigidly to the numbers you pick, as in 100 Sith,and 400 foot soldiers. And that's exactly what Shakti sees. The problem here is, her being a jedi not withstanding, she would never look out at an oncoming field of sith and say "hmm...yep, it's 100 sith and 400 foot soldiers all right", you should have given them some kind of battle formations, and unit names/divisions, then she could have said something like "looks like a single company of sith, and two brigades of foot soldiers", or soemthing to that effect, it just would have seemed more realistic to me.

You keep referring to the sith as being the equal of the jedi in terms of ability, and prowess, yet both the jedi and the sith are largely cut down like paper. This needs to be addressed, and you kind of do when you mention how over the years of peace the jedi have become largely philosophical, and that the sith have mercenaries to bolster their numbers, but i think it could have been done better if you'd pointed out that there were very few jedi, or that there were way more sith. Maybe you were attempting to get this across, but it didn't really work.

It's funny, i'm noting stuff like this, but in other pieces it seems like you already know you should be doing it. For example, when Shakti says there should only be one jedi to each refugee ship, she doesn't say that one is enough because of their abilities, she doesn't need to, and it's very effective at getting across just how powerful they are because it's not explicitly stated.

One last thing, a kid called Johnny? In the Star Wars universe? I don't think so, have a look at the names characters usually have in Star Wars,and ask yourself if someone would name a kid Johnny, a name might sound like Johnny when spoken, but it would never be spelt that way.

Anywho, I have to say I enjoyed it. Will be reading "The darkness falls".

Memnoch

AngryBadger wrote:

I still really think you're hung up on "go fast stripes" in your stories. Shakti has her sabers attached to her wrists? That's just grandstanding,and a jedi wouldn't be prone to that kind of grandstanding. I could deal with it if that were the only instance, but again, when you describe her showing Jaehenna how to use the saber, it's overdone. It seems like she's showing off to her daughter.

I don't remember the attached to wrists bit. It should be attached to her waist, which is where i presume all jedi carry their lightsabers? If i wrote wrist instead, thats definately a typo . As for the "showing", well i disagree with the showing off aspect, yes I am showing off HER abilities to the reader, but she is only showing her daughter a "kata" or "sequence" that is normal/natural to her.

One other complaint that I didn't note so much in "Lost in War" You stick too rigidly to the numbers you pick, as in 100 Sith,and 400 foot soldiers. And that's exactly what Shakti sees. The problem here is, her being a jedi not withstanding, she would never look out at an oncoming field of sith and say "hmm...yep, it's 100 sith and 400 foot soldiers all right", you should have given them some kind of battle formations, and unit names/divisions, then she could have said something like "looks like a single company of sith, and two brigades of foot soldiers", or soemthing to that effect, it just would have seemed more realistic to me.

I kinda agree with you about the numbers bit, I guess I was a bit caught up in being consistant about it. Though in my "defence" i do think I said "roughly" or "estimated". Still I like the idea of mentioning them as "units" but even that implies an estimation of numbers, and I wanted to give the reader a very definite idea of what they were dealing with here.

You keep referring to the sith as being the equal of the jedi in terms of ability, and prowess, yet both the jedi and the sith are largely cut down like paper. This needs to be addressed, and you kind of do when you mention how over the years of peace the jedi have become largely philosophical, and that the sith have mercenaries to bolster their numbers, but i think it could have been done better if you'd pointed out that there were very few jedi, or that there were way more sith. Maybe you were attempting to get this across, but it didn't really work.

Well basically the idea is that the Crimson guard are pretty much equal to the sith in ability and prowess in terms of combat, most other Jedi aren't. There are however some exceptions, like Shiva, Shakti, Hoshi and Isruan and Tal'rasha (who is in the darkness falls) that are far and above all jedi and sith in terms of their abilities. Only the ones that trained in combat of which there are fewer in this time period due to the jedi's complacency. The whole thing with with the ship was 1 crimson guard to a ship, not just 1 jedi to a ship. I did mention that there were jedi a pleanty there, but most would not be that good in combat. Though perhaps if I didn't get the point across well enough to you I need to clarify it further.

For example if we take the scene with Aryu, most of the jedi heading for the ships were fleeing refugees, these would be the more philosophically oriented type. So he cut them down without much effort. But jaehenna being Shiva's daughter and also being extremely "gifted" cut him down in one easy stroke.

One last thing, a kid called Johnny? In the Star Wars universe? I don't think so, have a look at the names characters usually have in Star Wars,and ask yourself if someone would name a kid Johnny, a name might sound like Johnny when spoken, but it would never be spelt that way.

Ah come on, thats just being fascetious now! Okay yes the name doesn't exactly sound very star warsy, but who is to say that such names cannot exist. I think the whole "fantasy" names thing can be a bit over done anyway. A name like "johnny" implies ordinary, just some ordinary kid. TBH I didn't dwell on it too much, and I didn't want to put in the effort to come up with a "special" name for a charecter that existed for all of one line.

AngryBadger

Memnoch wrote:

Ah come on, thats just being fascetious now! Okay yes the name doesn't exactly sound very star warsy, but who is to say that such names cannot exist. I think the whole "fantasy" names thing can be a bit over done anyway. A name like "johnny" implies ordinary, just some ordinary kid. TBH I didn't dwell on it too much, and I didn't want to put in the effort to come up with a "special" name for a charecter that existed for all of one line.

Oh come on, his name was johnny,and i bet we was playing football in a T-shirt that was too big for him as well just kidding