The football dictionary. Brought to you by the letter A

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Football 365'S DEFINITIVE FOOTBALL DICTIONARY - 'A'
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Ooooooooooooh You're **** Friendly greeting for opposition goalkeeper, esp. when he is running up to take a goal kick. Particularly popular in the early Eighties but still in use at lower division clubs in the regions.
ABU Person who stupidly disagrees with Roy Keane's inalienable right to chop an opponent's head off on the field of play and write about it for money.
Abysmal Word used with relish by Alan Hansen whenever Manchester United defend badly. See also Appallin'; Atrocious.
Ace Catch-all term of reference for footballer in tabloid headline or report. Usually preceded by another adjective, as in "want-away ace", "hat-trick ace" or, more commonly, "red-card ace" and "drink-drive shame ace".
Acting Profession with a fatal lure for footballers. The results are invariably pitiful. See Cantona, Eric; Jones, Vinnie; Victory, Escape To.
Adams, Tony Bed-wetting, arm-raising, wall-botherer turned soul-bearing dullard and trainee pianist. Great player though. See Donkey.
AFC Bournemouth Trick answer to the question "name the first English league side alphabetically?"
Afters Synonym for pudding, but also for the tasty after-effects of physical challenges or the row that follows a hard tackle. Often served up by Midfield Terriers.
Agents Shadowy figures who are bleeding the game dry by exploiting footballers for financial gain. Totally unlike chairmen, then.
Aggro Phenomenon of 1970's and 1980's still popular today in Cardiff and Millwall.
Air, Donna Legendarily stupid TV bimbette (asking The Corrs how they met, etc, etc) who nevertheless observed that, having gone out with Jason McAteer, "I wouldn't date any more footballers - they're not the brightest of people."
Airshot A complex but highly-amusing comic move. See Akinbiyi, Ake.
Aitch Sound Kevin Keegan - former manager of Barry 'Ayles, Geoff 'Orsfield and currently boss of Alf-Inge 'Aaland - is incapable of producing.
Akinbiyi, Ade Muscle-bound former Bristol City, Wolves, Leicester and now Crystal Palace striker, famed only for his staggering ineptitude in front of goal. See Barn Door, Couldn't Hit A; Banjo, Couldn't Hit A Cow's Arse With A.
Albania Crap European country who seem to crop up as England qualifying opponents now and again. Most famous for having Norman Wisdom as national hero.
Alcock, To Do An To trip over a non-existent obstacle and fall to the floor in an embarrassing and ladylike manner.
Alcohol Staple diet of British footballers and social lubricant that enables them to befriend young ladies, fight one another and get themselves into trouble with club and police alike. See Adams, Tony
Aldridge, John Liverpool striker bought as replacement for Ian Rush, mainly because he looked exactly like Ian Rush. Famous for becoming first man not to stick away a penalty in the FA Cup Final and being eight times winner of Merseyside's prestigious 'Scousest Looking Scouser Of The Year'.
All Day, All Day A footballing expression which denotes the air of ease at which one team is controlling a game to the point of total domination. This witticism derives from the Pet Shops Boys nu-disco whimsy 'Domino Dancing'.
Allison, Malcolm Manager feted for tactical awareness, revolutionary training methods, hat. Declared Man City would "terrify the cowards of Europe" in 1968/69 European Cup before first-round defeat by Fenerbahce.
Alloa Scottish club. The first name you think of when someone asks you to name five clubs which start and finish with the same letter, before you remember they're actually called Alloa Athletic. Not actually from Hawaii, as their name suggests.
Alpay Turkish for muesli.
Ambition As in: "I want to move to a club with ambition". A small, elegant-sounding word which replaces the inelegant: "I am joining that club because they will give me more money".
Ambulance, A F****** What away fans of 1970s and 1980s were going home in. See Aggro
Ameobi, Foluwashola (Shola) Newcastle and England U21 striker who, when asked what nickname Sir Bobby Robson had given him, replied "Carl Cort".
America, South Home of players who don't treat the ball as if it were a radioactive bomb to be booted into the middle distance as soon as possible.
Anderton, Darren Permanently injured Tottenham midfielder much beloved of Terry Venables. Looks like Shaggy of Scooby Doo. Chatted up a girl in a bar by telling her "my watch cost three grand".
Anelka, Nic Currently playing for Manchester City. Unlikely to be playing there next season. Looks like horse.
Anfield Home of Liverpool FC and 48,000 natural comedians. To be replaced by new stadium in 2005, which will presumably have a sign reading 'This Isn't Anfield'.
Angle, Narrowing Of Technique used by goalkeeper to reduce an attackers' options for a shot. Now known as "the goalkeeper making himself big" for reasons of comedy.
Angle, Reverse Sneaky camera angle apparently completely beyond the understanding of Roy Keane, Patrick Vieira and other Midfield Terriers.
Animals Kind words from then-England manager Sir Alf Ramsay for England's 1966 opponents Argentina. After expulsion from tournament, went on to record 'House Of The Rising Sun' to popular acclaim.
Aplomb As in "Teddy Sheringham brought the ball under control, turned and fired it into the net with aplomb." One of those words you only ever really hear in football. Nice.
Arbroath Scottish team who once beat Bon Accord 36-0 and about who nothing else is known.
Arce, Julio Argentinian defender. Sunderland boss Peter Reid once fancied Arce. See also Quim; Wankdorf Stadium, The
Archibald, Steve Worzel Gummidge lookalike, famed for being the other striker when Garth Crooks scored 10,000 goals in one season for Spurs. Also wooed crowds at Barcelona and… Airdrie.
Argies Tinpot race of diving strikers, thuggish defenders and flag-waving nationalist fans whose invasion of someone else's land sparked off the Falklands War. Or is that us?
'Argies Stole My Leg' Magnificent Daily Sport headline from 1998 about a disabled England fan whose prosthetic limb was cruelly and forcibly removed from his person when he found himself in the wrong end at the St Etienne Big One.
Argyle, Plymouth Football club named after an area in Scotland, despite being at the other end of Great Britain. Famous for having a stadium called Home Park, which has been the subject of many a witty remark by opposing supporters, as in "How can it be an away match if we're playing at Home?" Boom, and indeed, boom.
Aristocracy, Footballing A loose term for the country's bigger clubs - inexplicably still includes Everton and Aston Villa.
Army, Ally's Supremely confident Scottish team of World Cup Argentina 1978. Returned home after three games.
Arse, In Off His Footballers who rarely score often put these in their mental "greatest hits" package. Very common at Sunday League level. Also see Goater, Shaun.

Atmosphere, No Phrase often uttered by away fans leaving The Library.
Arse, The Favourite destination of comic characters Stavros and Victoria Beckham.
Arsenal, Boring, Boring Legendarily dull team of the late eighties who nevertheless managed to win the League while fielding a team of alkies and druggists.
Art Means of expression by using creative imagination, esp. in production of aesthetic objects. Inspired Derby County manager John Gregory to wonder: "What the f**k is art? A picture of a bottle of sour milk lying next to a smelly old jumper? What the f**k is all that about?"
Asprilla, Faustino Colombian football genius and all-round mentalist whose near-transfer to Darlington formed one of the greatest football sagas in recent years. Also fondly remembered for voice-activated pocket translator with which to wow ladies of Newcastle, guns, drugs and hat-trick against Barcelona.
Atalanta Lower league Italian outfit remarkable only for not being, as the name suggests, in America.
Atkinson, Ron Manager-turned pundit famed for bigness, tan, jewellery, failing to win title while at Man United and lexiconographic adventurism. See Holly, Buddy; Doors, Early; Eyebrows, Little; Stick, Back; Toe, Tic-Tac et al
A, US Of Big country that is now apparently "totally awesome" at "soccer" having got to the last eight of the World Cup. Think that "football" is a game played primarily with the hands.
Australia Country formerly managed by Terry Venables, brilliant at putting 80 past tiny Polynesian islands with a population of nine, crap otherwise. Tragically lost to football power nation Iran at the last hurdle of World Cup qualification 1998 and Uruguay before the 2002 version. Neither result was remotely funny.
Autobiography Literary device to settles scores while pocketing tabloid cash from serialisation rights. Occasionally may even have been read in advance by their supposed 'author'. See C**t, Take That You.
Award, Academy A prestigious trophy given for exceptional playacting, diving or faking of injury. From Ronglish, almost exclusively used in reference to a foreign, ideally Latin, player. See Ginola, David.
Axe, Facing The Familiar stance for almost all managers and phrase whose usage is thought to be entirely constricted to football.
Ayia Napa Summer haunt of footballers, UK garage music enthusiasts, News Of The World reporters, slags.

I was unsure whether to put this here or in Humour but figured this was the target audience. More to come, unfortunately I only saved as far as the letter E so if any body has the rest of the series let me know.

Karma appreciated

woosaysdan

Air, Donna Legendarily stupid TV bimbette (asking The Corrs how they met, etc, etc) who nevertheless observed that, having gone out with Jason McAteer, "I wouldn't date any more footballers - they're not the brightest of people."

LOL very good