Edinburgh Fringe Fest

sprinkles · 28-10-2004 12:15pm #1

jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2004
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> The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
> sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
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> My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
> was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
> to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
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> Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
> were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
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> My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
> was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the
> Underbelly
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> I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
> Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
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> My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
> thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at
> the ICC
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> You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
> because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
> flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...
> Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
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> The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
> punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
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> Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy
> Carr
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> I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
> the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the
> Tron
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> I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
> Girl out of Cork ... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
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> Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
> out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
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> Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
> winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly
> Rooms
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> The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
> bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance
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> My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
> our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
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> Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
> hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
> they're enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
>
> A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
> hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
> the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
> plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34
>
> Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon
> Burns at the Pleasance
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> I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
> got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand
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> It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
> Chris Addison at the Pleasance
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> I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
> very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand
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> If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
> then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
> trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly
>
> I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
> "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
> Arnold Brown at The Stand

you gotta love Jimmy Carr.