Well, my brother has come out

LegacyUser

posting anon because people here (boards) know me and he isn't out to the world yet (mods know its legit).

brother has finally decided to tell us he is gay, been on the cards for a long time now, paraphenlia and all that , but he'd been playing the bi, straight, gotta gf card so it wasn't decided. Thing is my parents aren't ecstatic. My mum is upset that he has to carry this cross, that the gay life is more difficult than the straight one - I've little doubt she's right in this respect. My Dad probably won't even want to discuss it, but I guess he'll have to get over it.

I'm not delighted either, but he's my bro and needs support. How right is my mum? What can I tell her so she can be satisified that its not so bad? or is it? how will it effect and what does he need to watch out for? Is there anything I can do for him, short of sorting him a bf and pimping him?

Silent Grape

thats such a pity that your parents are reacting like this, but such is life..

you could ask your brother if there's anything you can do. tell him you're confused (if thats the case) just tell him how you're feeling, and listen to him too, ask him questions and be interested.

Chances are he already knows a good deal about the 'gay life', if he's been messing about for so long.

good luck with it.

ixoy

Hey, my Mum had much the same concerns and no, I don't really think she's right. For starters she's probably thinking of what it was like to be gay (what she knew of it) when she grew up and applying it to life today. There's a lot more freedom today, particularly for the younger generation. If you can, gently, try and tell her not to fuss or worry over him openly. I know it's well meant but it's not always the best thing, as I remember it. I'm not saying to have her apathetic, but if you can try and ensure she doesn't fuss over your brother too much, although he sounds like he's happy enough.

You say your Dad's silent on the issue. I don't know what his relationship is like with your brother but I don't always find the taciturn approach the best. Maybe you should see how your brother feels about the parent's reactions.

As to how it affects your brother - that's going to depend a lot on him. I don't know him. In general, I've found, there's little of the hositility you might expect. All my friends were supportive and hopefully his are too. You can be too. Don't try and mess around with his social life unless you think there's an insane need to. Instead try not and make it an issue - don't be awkward. I hate the awkwardness. Probably don't be over eager, saying stuff constantly like "how many guys did ya score huh huh" or anything.. .be the same as you would've always. I always felt the transition is best when you're not being made so aware that it IS a transition.

In short, to help: don't make a fuss, try and ensure others don't make a fuss, and be as natural as possible. It's not that difficult I think and the main hurdle, from what it sounds, is you and your family readjusting their look rather than him.

damien

Pity I can't rep anon posters.

I think you're a fairly cool brother to post here and ask our advice. Well done to you. Every gay guy that comes out should have a brother like you.

It will be harder than being straight because you'll have to explain yourself and your sexuality to some people. Right now though the world and especially in Ireland is really enlightening the fck up about these issues. It's so much easier to be gay now than even 3 years ago in Ireland.

The best thing you can do is just tell him you're cool with it and you are happy for him and there for him. Coming out for most people can be stressful and some positive support can be of great help. If the parents are none too happy and giving him grief balance it out and be his rock for a while. The parents will warm up to the idea too. They are human and he is their felsh and blood, they loved him up to that point and they always will. Tell him this if needs be or better get them to say it. It can be a very happy time for people too as a massive weight will be lifted off them so see how he is.

Not sure where you live but there are a good few groups out there for the younger generation of queers and he could join a youthgroup if he wants. If you know any other gay guys who could chat to him or whatever and give him advice then put him on to them. Don't pressure him but give him the option to have a chat if he wants to.

You can get him to post any questions he has about anything here if he likes or PM any of the mods in this forum, they're all level headed guys who can be of great help.

Last thing: don't get jealous cos he has better clothes and better hair than you. You have to accept it mate.

Damien.

OfflerCrocGod

damien.m wrote:

Last thing: don't get jealous cos he has better clothes and better hair than you. You have to accept it mate.

And better Sex life.......In my case it would be "don't be jealous because he has a sex life"

Stark

Is there anything I can do for him, short of sorting him a bf and pimping him?

Is he a college student? You could recommend him to join the LGB society on campus.

damien

OfflerCrocGod wrote:

And better Sex life.......In my case it would be "don't be jealous because he has a sex life"

You talking about Fletch again ? Tut tut.

Annasopra

Hey

The parents support group produce a really good booklet that you can get through the Gay Switchboard. This may help to ally some of your mothers fears

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/ps_bklt_index.htm

moridin

Now damien, you know that offler isn't gay, fletch has said so quite a few times now!

Amnesiac_ie

Yeah, it seems as if your parents are the ones with the difficulty not your brother. Might help them if you talk about it with them. They are from a different generation and it might help them to understand that it's not a big deal and not a "cross" in life if you're accepting and explain that society has changed.

Like Johnny said, it might be an idea to put them in touch with parent support. Personally I don't think their booklet is great but it might be beneficial for your parents to be able to speak with people who've experienced what they are going through now.

moridin

I recon that if he was dating someone genuinely nice and they met him and liked him it'd be easier to accept.

As a concept, being gay is hard for parents to accept, because they'll start dreaming up worst-case scenarios. As long as they can come to terms with the fact that he's the same person he always was, they'll get through it

Good luck, and congratulations to your brother on having the courage to tell his family.

the_syco

Guide for Family and Friends of Lesbian and Gay People

Got it in the Resources Links sticky on this forum.

Boston

Sounds like it went pretty well. He hasn't been disowned, or kicked out. The fathers reaction it pretty a typical, and so is the mothers. It's your reaction that is important now. Don't stop doing all those brotherly things you do, just because he's gay. Go out, pick up chicks/guys, go to footy matchs,concerts whatever it is you guys do together. If he wants to talk about it then thats great, if not don't push him.