Conflict of interest and associated headf*ck

LegacyUser

i'm currently in a messy romantic situation and, while i can't see myself basing this kinda decision on other peoples sense, feel like i should get some other views before doing anything drastic...

I currently have a girlfriend who i've been with a short while and see very rarely. the odd time i do see her it's nice and i enjoy her company in pretty much every way. we don't talk much between these appearances though.. it's a very low maintenance, low attention relationship.

while this all goes on i have, much closer to home, a very close friend who i used to be involved with (kissing, sans obligation). when we're together i find myself flirting constantly and playfully messing around with her. I very much want to kiss the girl but have strong principles against infidelity (i live by a few little rules). I do, however, bend the rules a little, kiss her cheek for goodnights, hold her hand and express my affection in every way short of **cheating**.

my problem is that my interest in the latter has bad effects on my feelings about the former. I find myself from time to time just wishing to give up on the more difficult relationship, though in the back of my head something complains that if i hadn't got something diverting my attention i'd be happy enough with what i've got. i feel like a complete asshole for the way i flirt and do all short of kissing anyway but can't see myself confessing to having "held another girls hand".

The girl i like as the aside does like me too, perhaps even to the same extent (honestly: i'm crazy about her), but i never really wanted to be the kind of person who'd dump someone cos something more interesting came along. I can't tell if i'm genuinely unhappy in my relationship cos of the distance and rarity of seeing her or if that'd all be okay if i didn't want this other girl. It could be just a case of me justifying my wish to escape with vague flaws...

as it stands i probably won't see the other half over the mid term week. i'll see the affection girl probably about half the time and be drunk/messing around with her. Vaguely i think it's possible i'd just cave and kiss her but i'm pretty secure in my resolve against cheating...(even if it is just a vain formality when every part of me wants to do it whenever possible). I also worry that the only reason i haven't cheated yet is that i would fully intend on being with this girl properly and not just screwing around and it'd be horribly ironic to open a relationship by cheating with the new lover...

it looks like i've answered all my own questions or asked them in such a way that implies i know what i should/will do. I don't feel like that thought... i could just give up and go out of my way to end the relationship or i could make some sudden resolve and stop the borderline infidelity, pushing the girl into my peripheral vision as a "someday" thing..

umm...any thoughts?

impr0v

You claim to be 'pretty secure in [your] resolve against cheating' yet what you are doing now IS cheating, and I think you know this.

It's better to be the kind of person who dumps someone cos something more interesting came along than the kind of person who would drag on a relationship with someone more out of repect for his own loosely applied moralistic code than for their feelings. It will be kinder to her to do that now, rather than follow the path you're on to its inevitable destination.

I'll spare you the clichéd warnings about the grass being greener, etc. as judging by your reasoned and articulate post I'd imagine you've considered that.

Mr.Nice Guy

impr0v wrote:

You claim to be 'pretty secure in [your] resolve against cheating' yet what you are doing now IS cheating, and I think you know this.

How is what he's doing cheating?Continue to see the other girl and see more girls if you can!Life's too short.There was a famous philosopher I think he was from Norway who was asked on his deathbed if he had any regrets.He replied he wished he'd had more sex.My advice is to go and enjoy yourself pal.

tinkerbell

You are cheating on your current girl - you may not have kissed the other girl but you're still getting emotionally attached with her and acting like you're involved with her - you just don't go holding hands and flirting like crazy with another girl if you're already happy in your own relationship.

So do your current gf a favour and end it with her - from the sounds of it, it ain't serious anyway since ye don't see each other much, and then you can go hook up with the other girl who you obviously feel strongly about. You said that you do everything possible short of "cheating" but you are cheating!

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it too - so sort your head out and go with one of the girls, rather than playing them both for fools.

Mr.Nice Guy

tinkerbell wrote:

You are cheating on your current girl - you may not have kissed the other girl but you're still getting emotionally attached with her and acting like you're involved with her - you just don't go holding hands and flirting like crazy with another girl if you're already happy in your own relationship.

Nothing wrong with a bit of flirting.Women do it all the time.He's not cheating on his girl.He hasn't even kissed the other one for crying out loud!Besides he might not have stated to her that the relationship was exclusive so technically he might be able to do what he wants.
By the way I believe the person who made the comment on the deathbed was the English poet Sir John Betjeman.Still I was close to it when I said I thought it was a Norwegian philosopher.

EKRIUQ

Tell your girlfriend and let her be the judge, if shes into this type of open relationship then your in the clear or else she'll burst into tears crying.

Or Else

Do the Joey Test, Pick the one with the biggest Tits

littleninja

It certainly sounds as if you are cheating on your girlfriend to me. Why not be honest with yourself (and with your girlfriend) and just admit it. You say you won't see her much, what you don't say is if there is much effort made either by either party to see each other a bit more frequently.

You do however seem to have quite a lot of time for the other girl you mentioned, maybe it would be kinder on everyone involved if you just do something about it, be it stopping the flirting with the other girl or indeed let your girlfriend go to find someone who will give her the attention she deserves. Nobody deserves to be messed around like that.

LegacyUser

i had meant to ask peoples views on "what is cheating" too. but yes, i was vaguely aware that what i was doing was no better than kissing...

Ninja, it isn't that i "have more time" for one than the other. it's all distances and school related but i'm not going to go into the specifics for why i see and talk to one for more than the other...

things have kinda changed since i wrote that...i'll update in a few days to say how it plays out.

lacuna

Although I don't think you're not technically cheating on your girlfriend, I would think it's easier if you were just honest with everyone and did what you really wanted. I've always thought that I'd find it more hurtful if my boyfriend liked someone else and stayed with me, but wanted to cheat on me with another person, than if just cheated on me randomly with someone.

WhiteWashMan

why do you feel that you cant have both?

i mean, you say you have a few morals, but really you dont.

why cant you make up your own mind as to what you want to do?
are you looking for options?

LegacyUser

point taken WWM... although giving advice on the personally issues forum to the effect of "why would you ask for advice on a personal issues forum" is a tad ironic...and it's hardly fair to say i have no morals. i definately wouldn't lie to someone and have an extended affairlike situation. that'd be completely bastardly...
i think i just needed to express it clearly and it's not the kind of thing i can ask many friends about.. i appreciate the advice given but i kinda know what i'm doing now... i'll admit to my girlfriend that i cheated (which i did since first posting =( and break it off rather than wasting her time.

i know what you mean Lacuna and yeah, i kinda agree. it'd hurt a lot more to know the other half had an obsession than just a drunken kiss with a randomer... hence me being a prick.

BEAT

it sounds to me like you would be happier with girl #2, flirting and happy...
end it with girl number one, it will be better for the both of you in the long run. (from what it sounds like anyway) I bet you will be happy and content as will she with girl #2.

WhiteWashMan

BEAT wrote:

it sounds to me like you would be happier with girl #2, flirting and happy...
end it with girl number one, it will be better for the both of you in the long run. (from what it sounds like anyway) I bet you will be happy and content as will she with girl #2.

unless girl #1 is in fact carrying on with girl #2 behind his back...

oh what a tangled web we weave!