lying G/F

LegacyUser

my lovely G/F has one major flaw, she cannot help herself from telling lies. now its nothing major, just stuff about money really and her not being honest about her past achievements. its never really bothered me until now, I am worried about her mental health as when i bring it up (the lies) im told im a patronising ********. thing is we are having a difficult time at present and she is messing things up and blaming other people, then hiding stuff and being sly and its having a crap effect on our relationship.

The_Conductor

sick of it wrote:

my lovely G/F has one major flaw, she cannot help herself from telling lies. now its nothing major, just stuff about money really and her not being honest about her past achievements. its never really bothered me until now, I am worried about her mental health as when i bring it up (the lies) im told im a patronising ********. thing is we are having a difficult time at present and she is messing things up and blaming other people, then hiding stuff and being sly and its having a crap effect on our relationship.

If that is her "one major flaw", even if its a big one- its definitively surmountable. If she is accusing you of being patronising when you bring it up, maybe you approaching it in the wrong manner. People can feel as though they are being preached to from on high and as though the other person is being patronising, particularly if you use an accusatory manner with her. It might be a better idea to sit down with her and instead approach the subject in a manner such as- "When you exagerate things (try not to be too accusatory- it automatically puts the other person on the defensive) it makes me feel (insert your genuine feelings here)". You are stating a fact, about yourself, not about her, its a much milder way of approaching the issue- and one where you are less likely to end up on a confrontational path.

A little change of approach may make a big impact!

S.

CathyMoran

I can understand where you are coming from - eventually the lies mean that you stop listening and when that happens you have problems...I would suggest that you have a serious (but non-confrontational) discussion with her - say how it hurts you. In the end, a relationship needs trust and this will put a bigger strain on your relationship as time goes on, so do try and get it resolved sooner rather than later. Good luck.

impr0v

Personally, I'd consider this a major flaw and to be symptomatic of a general inability to take responsibility for her own actions. Never a good thing in a person.

chump

as impr0v above...
i'd lose her, there's nothing worse than being with a dishonest person who with-holds things...

shiv

Be careful about being so sure she is only lying about little things. Any sign of hiding things is usually a bad sign, or at least a red flag there could be something bigger going on. It's no fun living in an environment of suspicion and doubt, so I would be sure in yourself that you really think it's worth sticking out..I would have a honest heart-to-heart, let her know how you feel, how it's upsetting you and putting a strain on things, and if she can try to change or amend her behaviour you'll know she really cares about making the relationship work out. if she dismisses it or points the finger back at you, it's a sign she doesn't really care or is too defensive to admit you have a point.

Miss Mann

Strap her to a lie detector, you fool. The leather mask is optional.

xx

Beruthiel

Miss Mann
read the forum charter please
B

Zulu

...so you're saying she's dishonest and underhanded, hardly qualities you'd look for in a partner surly?

I have to say, if you can't trust her with little things, how can you trust her with the big things?

Memnoch

as few have pointed out above!

trust is everything in a relationship, its the foundation. If you can't trust each other then the relationship will eventually come apart.

So if you feel you can't trust her(which it seems like to me), either you need to convey this to her and give her the chance to "win" your trust.

or you should bite the bullet and move on. Because if you can't trust her then how do you know she won't betray you over things that are important and will impact the rest of your life? How do you know what her true feelings for you are and you aren't being used?

uberwolf

I have known a few people like this, none as intimately as you do, but the pattern has been the same. The lies only ever seem to get worse as they have to constantly cover for previous lies. In all cases i have simply had to walk away, and i suggest you do to. The lies have seemed to be the consequence of underlying troubles but denial ain't pretty and there'll have to be a point when you ask yourself is it worth the trouble. i guess you're thinking it isn't.

Silent Grape

lord there was a girl in college last year who just seemed to be bull****ting about everything, it turns out that some (incredibly) unbelievable stuff was true. so you never know.

as Memnoch said, trust is vitally important in relationship, and its especialy evident if you're saying its having a crap effect on it.

liars are very clever people, but really insecure too. why she feels the need to lie is the important thing here. her defensive reaction to you confronting her with it is just that - a defensive reaction, to shift the focus away from her weakness onto you, and make you think about yourself and your 'fault' instead of hers.

you need to show her next time, that you are not going to be put off by her bitchy little comments. show her that you dont trust her. do not let one single lie slip past, bring her up on everything, even if you arent sure if it really is a lie, let her know that you dont trust her. tell her directly, that you dont trust her.

the only way for a liar to stop lying is to have people distrusting everything they say. especially people they actually care about.

you obviously really care for her, so dont rashly break up with her, people are capable of change, but sometimes it takes drastic mesaures and often means being cruel (to be kind).

i wish you the best of luck. a close relative of mine was a chronic liar to cover up his alcoholism. it took my parents throwing him out, cutting off any access to money, and bolting the door, to get him to admit he had a problem. then we had to get him to admit he was an alcoholic...

anyway, let us know how it all goes, sit her down and chat with her, most importantly listen to her, as she may let you know what makes her so insecure that she feels just being herself isnt enough.

Miss Judy

This is a difficult situation. How serious are the lies?, how long are you together?. You called her you "lovely g/f", so you must care about her and she must have alot of positive attributes besides this pitfall. Lying can be very trivial you know, that's why you need to clarify how serious it is and why she is doing it.Do you have proof that she has been lying?, if so then you should confront her and talk to her. If she called you patronising, well you must be approaching it the wrong way. Are there any reason she would need to lie. Financially, are all the bills being paid and by who?. Are you not going 50/50 on everything which is the best way. If one person is responsible for the majority of bills and payouts in the household, that can ruin and relationship and cause utter resentment.
Do you have any kids?, if so how is she with the child/ren?. what problems are you having at the moment and who is she blaming?. This all needs to be clarified and sorted out. You have to very careful commenting on someones mental health,she is probably fine just maybe stressed out or sick of the way things are with you at the moment,as you did say you are having problems.
There must be an underlying problem for her to lie about things, especially money and her own life. I hope that this can be sorted as it really can be.
Good Luck.