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Alcohol Troubleshooter

  • 17-10-2004 4:34am
    #1
    billy the squid
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,811 ✭✭✭✭


    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

    Fault: Glass empty

    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

    Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet

    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

    Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet

    Fault: Improper bladder control

    Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

    Symptom: Floor blurred

    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Floor swaying

    Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

    Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

    Symptom: Floor moving

    Fault: You are being carried out.

    Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

    Fault: You have fallen over backwards

    Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

    Fault: You have fallen forwards

    Action: See above

    Symptom: Everything has gone dark

    Fault: The pub is closed

    Action: Panic!!!

    Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

    Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!


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